第一篇：英語幽默

The six-year-old John was terribly spoiled(被寵壞的).His father knew it, but his grandma doted on him.He hardly left her side.And when he wanted anything, he either cried or threw a temper tantrum(亂發(fā)脾氣).Then came his first day of school, his first day away from his grandmother's loving arms.When he came home from school his grandma met him at the door.Was school all right? she asked, Did you get along all right? did you cry?

Cry? John asked.No, I didn't cry, but the teacher did!

六歲的約翰嬌生慣養(yǎng)。他的父親知道這一點(diǎn)，可他的祖父母仍然寵著他。這孩子幾乎寸步不離他的祖母。他想要什么不是哭，就是鬧。他第一天上學(xué)才離開祖母的懷抱。約翰放學(xué)了，他奶奶在門口接他并問道：學(xué)校怎么樣?你過的好嗎?哭了沒有?哭?約翰問，不，我沒哭，可老師哭了。

Englishman

Once, late at night, an Englishman came out of his room into the corridor of a hotel and asked the servant to bring him a glass of water.The servant did as he was asked.The Englishman re-entered his room, but a few minutes later he came into the corridor again and once more asked the servant for a glass of water.The servant brought him another glass of water.Every few minutes the Englishmen would come out of his room and repeat his request.After a half-hour the astonished servant decided to ask the Englishman what he was doing with the water.“Nothing,” the Englishman answered imperturbably, “It’s simply that my room is on fire.”一個(gè)英國(guó)人

一天晚上，一個(gè)英國(guó)人從他住的旅店房間里走出來。來到走廊上，叫旅店的服務(wù)員給他拿一杯水來。服務(wù)員按他的要求做了。英國(guó)人回到了他的房間里，幾分鐘后 他又來到走廊上，讓服務(wù)員再給他送一杯水。服務(wù)員又給他送了一杯水。每隔幾分鐘。英國(guó)人就走出房間重復(fù)他的要求。半小時(shí)之后．這位感到驚訝的服務(wù)員決定問問房客要這些水干什么，英國(guó)人不謊不忙地回答：”沒什么．只不過是我的房間里起火了。“

A film crew was on location deep in the desert.One day an old Indian went up to the director and said, “Tomorrow rain.” The next day it rained.A week later, the Indian went up to the director and said, “Tomorrow storm.” The next day there was a hailstorm.“This Indian is incredible,” said the director.He told his secretary to hire the Indian to predict the weather.However, after several successful predictions, the old Indian didn't show up for two weeks.Finally the director sent for him.“I have to shoot a big scene tomorrow,” said the director, “and I'm depending on you.What will the weather be like?”The Indian shrugged his shoulders.“Don't know,” he said.“Radio is broken.”

天氣預(yù)報(bào)

一個(gè)電影攝制組在沙漠深處工作.一天,一個(gè)印度老人到導(dǎo)演跟前告訴導(dǎo)演說“明天下雨.”第二天果然下雨了.一周后,印度人又來告訴導(dǎo)演說,“明天有風(fēng)暴.”果然,第二天下了雹暴.“印度人真神,”導(dǎo)演說.他告訴秘書雇傭該印度人來預(yù)報(bào)天氣.幾次預(yù)報(bào)都很成功.然后,接下來的兩周,印度人不見了.最后,導(dǎo)演派人去把他叫來了.“我明天必須拍一個(gè)很大的場(chǎng)景,”導(dǎo)演說,“這得靠你了.明天天氣如何啊?”

印度人聳了聳肩.“我不知道,”印度人說,“收音機(jī)壞了.”

第二篇：幽默英語

英語幽默對(duì)話buy you a drink?（我可以為你買一杯飲料嗎？）女:Actually I'd rather have the money.（不必，我我寧愿留下那些錢.)

經(jīng)典對(duì)話二：

男：Can I have your name?（直譯：我能有你的名字嗎？）

女：Why? Don't you already have one?（為什么？你不是已經(jīng)有一個(gè)了嗎？）經(jīng)典對(duì)話三：

男：I'm a photographer.I've been looking for a face like yours.（我是攝影師。我一直在尋找一張像你這樣的臉。）

女：I'm a plastic surgeon.I've been looking for a face like yours.（我是整形外科醫(yī)生。我也一直在尋找一張像你這樣的臉。）

經(jīng)典對(duì)話四：

男：Is this seat empty?（直譯：這個(gè)座位是空的吧？）

女：Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.（是的，如果你坐下，我的座位就是空的。）經(jīng)典對(duì)話五：

男：Haven't I seen you some place before?（我好像以前在什么地方見過你？）

女：Yes.That's why I don't go there anymore.（是的。這就是為什么我不再去那個(gè)地方的原因。）

經(jīng)典對(duì)話六：

男：Will you go out with me this Saturday?（這個(gè)星期六你想跟我出去嗎？）女：Sorry.I'm having a headache this weekend.（抱歉。這個(gè)周末我頭疼。）經(jīng)典對(duì)話七：

男：I think I could make you very happy.（我想我能讓你非常快樂。）

女：Why? Are you leaving?（是嗎？你是說你要離開？）

第三篇：幽默英語腦筋急轉(zhuǎn)彎

搞笑英語腦筋急轉(zhuǎn)彎

1.Why are people tired on April Fool's Day?(愚人節(jié)人們?yōu)槭裁雌＞?)

答：Because they have just had a long March.(因?yàn)樗麄儎傔^了長(zhǎng)長(zhǎng)的三月。March 三月;行軍)

2.What weather do mice and rats fear?(老鼠害怕什么天氣?)

答：When it's raining cats and dogs.(下大雨。rain cats and dogs 下大雨)

3.When do dogs refuse to follow their masters?(狗什么時(shí)候不愿跟隨主人?)

答：When their masters go to the flea market.(主人去跳蚤市場(chǎng)時(shí)。Flea 跳蚤 flea market 舊貨市場(chǎng))

4.What question can never be answered by “yes”?(哪個(gè)問題永遠(yuǎn)不能回答“是的”?)

答：Are you asleep?(你睡著了嗎)

經(jīng)典笑話http://www.tmdps.cn

5.What tree is always very sad?(哪種樹總是很傷心?)

答：Weeping willow.(垂柳 weep哭泣 willow柳樹)

6.When can you get water with a net?(什么時(shí)候可以用網(wǎng)兜裝水?)

答：When water is turned into ice.(當(dāng)水結(jié)成冰時(shí))

7.Why is the pig always eating?豬為什么沒完沒了地吃?

答：He's making a hog of himself.它想成為一只肉豬。

8.What's the longest word in the world?世界上最長(zhǎng)的單詞是什么?

答：Smiles.Because there's a mile between the letter 's'.微笑。因?yàn)閮蓚€(gè)字母S中間隔了一里。

9.What question is that to which you must always answer “yes”? 什么問題你只能回答“yes”?

答：“What does y-e-s spell?”(當(dāng)別人問你)“yes”怎么拼?

10.Where were you when the power was cut off? 當(dāng)停電的時(shí)候你在哪? 答：In the darkness.在黑暗中。

1.What will you break once you say it?(什么東西一說出來就打破？)2.Will liars be honest after they die?(騙子死了之后會(huì)誠實(shí)嗎？)3.What always goes up and never goes down?(什么東西只升不降？)4.Why did the boy make his dog sit in the sun?(男孩為什么讓他的狗坐在陽光下？)

5.Why can a bride hide nothing?(為什么新娘子什么也藏不住？)6.Why is the library the highest building?(為什么圖書館是最高的建筑物？)7.What is the smallest bridge in the world?(世界上最小的橋梁是什么？)8.What is the difference between the North Pole and the South Pole?(北極與南極的區(qū)別是什么？)9.What makes naughty boys long to work in a clock factory?(淘氣的男孩為什么想去鐘表廠工作？)10.What bird lifts heavy things?(什么鳥能舉起重物？)11.A ship can contain only fifty persons.Now there is alreadyforty-nine person in it.At this time,a pregnant woman comes on andboards the ship.The shipsinks.Why?(有一艘船只能容納50人，現(xiàn)在已有49人。這時(shí)一位孕婦上了船，船就沉了。為什么？)12.What's the poorest bank in the world?(世界的最貧窮的銀行是什么？)13.What month do soldiers hate?(軍人憎恨什么月？)答案Answers: 1.Silence.(沉默)2.No, they won’t.They lie still after they die。(不會(huì)，他們依舊撒謊。Lie still 躺著不動(dòng)，依舊撒謊。)3.Your age.(你的年齡)4.He wants to have a hot dog.(他想要一條熱狗。)5.Because someone will give her away.(因?yàn)橛腥藭?huì)揭發(fā)她。Give away 揭發(fā)，在婚禮上把新娘交給新郎)6.It has the most stories.(它的樓層最多。Story 故事，樓層)7.The bridge of a nose.(鼻梁)8.A whole world.(整個(gè)世界。a world of difference 天壤之別)

9.They want to make faces.(make face 做鬼臉，做鐘表面)10.Crane.(鶴。Crane鶴，舉重機(jī))11.Because is a pigboat.(那是潛水艇。pigboat，潛水艇)12.The river bank。(河岸。)13.March。(行軍。)

1.What will you break once you say it? 什么東西一說出來就打破？ 2.Will liars be honest after they die? 騙子死了之后會(huì)誠實(shí)嗎？

3.What always goes up and never goes down? 什么東西只升不降？

4.Why did the boy make his dog sit in the sun? 男孩為什么讓他的狗坐在陽光下？ 5.Why can a bride hide nothing? 為什么新娘子什么也藏不住？ 6.Why is the library the highest building? 為什么圖書館是最高的建筑物？ 7.What is the smallest bridge in the world? 世界上最小的橋梁是什么？

8.What is the difference between the North Pole and the South Pole? 北極與南極的區(qū)別是什么？

9.What makes naughty boys long to work in a clock factory? 淘氣的男孩為什么想去鐘表廠工作？ 10.What bird lifts heavy things? 什么鳥能舉起重物？

11.A ship can contain only fifty persons.Now there is already forty-nine persons in it.At this time,a pregnant woman comes on and boards the ship.The ship sinks.Why? 有一艘船只能容納50人,現(xiàn)在已有49人。這時(shí)一位孕婦上了船,船就沉了。為什么? 12.Why is the comet like Micky Mouse? 為什么是彗星像米老鼠？

13.Who is closer to you, your mom or your dad? 誰跟你比較親密,你的媽媽或你的爸爸? 14.What's the poorest bank in the world?

世界的最貧窮的銀行是什么? 15.What month do soldiers hate? 軍人憎恨什么月? 16.An old woman has lived in one-story house before.Her body is very short.Afterwards,she moves into a big building and lives in the ninth story.However, when she comes back home each time,she always takes an elevator to the sixth story and gets off,then she walks to the ninth story.Why? 有位老婦人,從前住平房,并且個(gè)子非常矮,后來她搬進(jìn)了一個(gè)很高的樓里,住在第九層,但是她每次回家,她總是乘電梯到第六層就下來,然后走到第九層.為什么?

答案： 1.Silence.沉默

2.No, they won't.They lie still after they die.不會(huì)，他們依舊撒謊。Lie still 躺著不動(dòng)，依舊撒謊。3.Your age.你的年齡

4.He wants to have a hot dog.他想要一條熱狗。5.Because someone will give her away.因?yàn)橛腥藭?huì)揭發(fā)她。Give away 揭發(fā)，在婚禮上把新娘交給新郎 6.It has the most stories.它的樓層最多。Story 故事，樓層 7.The bridge of a nose.鼻梁

8.A whole world.整個(gè)世界。a world of difference 天壤之別 9.They want to make faces.make face 做鬼臉，做鐘表面

10.Crane.鶴。Crane鶴，舉重機(jī)

11.Because is a pigboat.那是潛水艇。pigboat,潛水艇 12.Because it is a star with a tail.因?yàn)樗怯形舶偷男切恰?3.Mom is closer, because Dad is father（farther）.因?yàn)榘职质歉赣H , 所以媽媽比較靠近。14.The river bank.河岸。15.March.行軍.16.Because she was too short to press the ninth button.她太矮了不能按到第九層的按鈕.Q:What's the difference between a monkey and a flea? A: A monkey can have fleas, but a flea can't have monkeys.猴子會(huì)和跳蚤有什么不同呢？你可能會(huì)直接的想到它們倆是一大一小。但除此之外呢，那就是猴子身上可以長(zhǎng)跳蚤，而跳蚤身上卻不能有猴子。這個(gè)答案很有意思吧？

Q: How can you most irritate a farmer? A: By treading on his corn?

如果你踩了農(nóng)夫的玉米或是谷物，他肯定會(huì)生氣的；而如果你踩了農(nóng)夫腳底的雞眼，他會(huì)更生氣。Corn既可以表示“玉米/谷物”，也有“雞眼”的意思。

Q: Which is the strongest creature in the world? A: The snail.It carries its house on its back.因?yàn)閟nail（蝸牛）的后背上總是背著一所房子，所以說蝸牛是世界上最強(qiáng)壯的生物是不足為奇的。你說呢？

Q: What do people do in a clock factory? A: They make faces all day.一看到make faces這個(gè)短語，你可千萬別以為是在鐘表廠工作的人整天都做鬼臉呀！因?yàn)槌诉@個(gè)意思以外，它還可以從字面上解釋為制造鐘面。

Q: How do you stop a sleepwalker from walking in his sleep? A: Keep him awake.怎樣才能不讓夢(mèng)游者（sleepwalker）夢(mèng)游（walk in his sleep）呢？最簡(jiǎn)單的方法就是不讓他睡覺。雖然這不是治療方法，但如果讓夢(mèng)游者醒著呢，他的確就不會(huì)去夢(mèng)游了。

1）----Who is closer to you，your mom or your dad ?(爸爸和媽媽誰和你更近？）

—— Mom is closer because d

（2）----What fruit is never found singly ?(什么水果永遠(yuǎn)不會(huì)是單個(gè)的？）

——

（3）----Why are young men unwilling to date the daughter of the Fortunes ?(年輕人為什么不愿意和福瓊家女兒約會(huì)？）

——

注: 以上腦筋急轉(zhuǎn)彎泛采用了同音詞（homonyms）:（1）“father”（父親）與“farther”（更遠(yuǎn)）（2）“pear”（梨）音同“pair”（一對(duì)），（3）“Miss Fortune”音同“misfortune”（不幸）http://www.tmdps.cn（4）Why is an empty matchbox the best thing to have in the world ?(為什么空火柴盒是世界上最好的東西？）——

（5）Why did little Tom put his brother's guitar in the refrigerator ?(小湯姆為什么把哥哥的吉他放在冰箱里？）——

（6）What stays hot even if put it in a fridge?(什么東西即使放在冰箱里也熱？）——

注: 以上腦筋急轉(zhuǎn)彎大量運(yùn)用了雙關(guān)語（puns）：

（4）“matchless”既可理解為“沒有火柴的”，又可理解為“舉世無雙的，無可匹敵的”；

（5）“cool”可表示“冷的、涼的”，也可指“棒、時(shí)髦、美妙的”；（6）“hot”有兩個(gè)意思：“熱”、“辣”。

第四篇：英語小幽默

Joke:Bill, AL and Bill

Bill Clinton, Bill Gates, and Al Gore were in an airplane that crashed.They're up in heaven, and God`s sitting on the great white throne.God addressed Al first.“Al, what do you believe in?”

Al replied, “Well, I believe that the combustion engine is evil and that we need to save the world from CFCs and that if any more freon is used,the whole earth will become a

greenhouse and we`ll all die.” God thinks for a second and said, “Okay, I can live with that.Come and sit at my left.”

God then addresses Bill Clinton.“Bill, what do you believe in?”

Bill Clinton replies, “Well, I believe in power to the people.I think people should be able to make their own choices about things and that no one should ever be able to tell someone else what to do.I also believe in feeling people`s pain.” God thinks for a second and says

“Okay, that sounds good.Come and sit at my right.”

God then address Bill Gates.“Bill Gates, what do you believe in?”

Bill Gates said, “I believe you`re in my chair.”

人之初：At the begining of life.性本善：Sex is good.性相近：Basically,all the sex are same.習(xí)相遠(yuǎn)：But it depends on how the way you do it.茍不教：If you do not practise all the time.性乃遷：Sex will leave you..教之道：The way of learning it

貴以專：is very important to make love with only one person.昔孟母：Once a great mother, Mrs Meng

擇鄰處：chose her neighbour to avoid bad sex influence.子不學(xué)：If you don't study hard,斷機(jī)杼：Your Dick will become useless.竇燕山 Dou, the Famous

有義方 owned a very effective exciting medicine

教五子 All his five son took it

名俱揚(yáng) and their sexual ability were well-kown.養(yǎng)不教 If your children don't know how to do it,父之過 It is all your fault.教不嚴(yán) If they had lots of problems with it,師之惰 their teach must be too lazy to tell them details on sex.子不學(xué) You may refuse to study this

非所宜 but that is a real mistake

幼不學(xué) If you don't learn it in childhood,老何為 you will lose your ability when aged

玉不琢 If you don't exercise your dick,不成器 It won't become hard and strong.人不學(xué) If you don't learn sex,不知義 You can by no means enjoy its sweetness

Bush got something wrong with his brain.After medical examination, doctor tells him:

Your brain has two parts: one is left, and another is right.Your left brain has nothing right,Your right brain has nothing left.Old Man And Donkey

There was an old man, a boy and a donkey.They were going to town and it was decided that the boy should ride.As they went along they passed some people who thought that it was a shame for the boy to ride and the old man to walk.The man and boy decided that maybe the critics were right so they changed positions.Later, they passed some more people who thought that it was a real shame for that man to make such asmall boy walk.The two decided that maybe they both should walk.Soon they passed some more people who thought that it was stupid to walk when they had a donkey to ride.The man and the boy decided maybe the critics were right so they decided that they both should ride.They soon passed other people who thought that it was a shame to put such a load on a poor little animal.The old man and the boy decided that maybe the critics were right so they decided to carry the donkey.As they crossed a bridge they lost their grip on the animal and it fell into the river and drowned.The moral of the story is...if you try to please everyone, you will eventually lose your ass.

第五篇：簡(jiǎn)短幽默英語自我介紹

簡(jiǎn)短幽默英語自我介紹

簡(jiǎn)短幽默英語自我介紹1

1、原文

Hello, everyone!My name is xxx. Im a 15 years old girl. I live in the beautiful city of Rizhao.

Im an active, lovely, and clever girl. In the school my favorite subject is math. Perhaps someone thinks its difficult to study well. But I like it. I believe that if you try your best, everything can be done well.

I also like sports very much. Such as, running, volleyball and so on. Im kind-hearted. If you need help, please come to me.I hope we can be good friends!

OK. This is me .A sunny girl.

2、翻譯

大家好!我是xx。一個(gè)15歲的女孩。我來自美麗的城市日照。

我是一個(gè)活躍的，可愛的.，聰明的女孩。在學(xué)校我最喜歡的科目是數(shù)學(xué)。也許有人認(rèn)為它很難學(xué)習(xí)好。但我喜歡它。我相信如果你盡你最大的努力，一切都可以做得很好。

我也非常喜歡運(yùn)動(dòng)。例如，跑步、排球等等。我是善良的。如果你需要幫助，請(qǐng)到我這里來。我希望我們能成為好朋友!

好的。這就是我。一個(gè)陽光明媚的女孩。

簡(jiǎn)短幽默英語自我介紹2

Hello，everyone.My name is Zhangya。I‘m twelve years old as one student of the Grade Six Class Tree at the No .56 middle school in the city of PingDingShan.I am a lively girl.I like drawing,riding bike and surfing the internet.I have many friends,the best is Du Xingyue.

There are father,mother,elder sister and me in my family.My mom is a housewife.My father is a worker.My elder sister is a university student.My family is very happy.They all love me and i also love them.

簡(jiǎn)短幽默英語自我介紹3

Hi,everybody. Good to be here. Facing the audience, a thought occured to me. Mama has alway told me not to make a fool in public. But somehow I just couldn't follow what she said exactly. Well some people always treat me as a crazy loon. For I'm never part of any crowd and have some dreams far-off look.

I'd even crash into someone with my nose stuck in a book. Now I'm standing on the stage, giving a speech in English. Circumstance being that I'm pretty nervous. Maybe some guy would just think that it'd embarass me as frightened speechless. Never mind. I'm always good for a laugh.

簡(jiǎn)短幽默英語自我介紹4

Self-introductionHello everyone! My is......, from Qinzhou. I’m so glad to meet you, and I’m currently a student at Guangxi Textile Industrial School. my major is knitting. It’s my pleasure to join the CHAMPION training camp, because I love English and I hope I can learn something in the training for my future work. As we all know English is very useful in every field.

My English is limited that’s why I’m here. I know it’s a huge challenge for me to conquer English, but I believe that “No pains, no gains, success belongs to the persevering”, I hope I can learn more from you, Thank you!

簡(jiǎn)短幽默英語自我介紹5

Good evening,I know it's 3:00pm now,But I always what to say good evening.People always call me XXX.I think if I have a choice.I would tell my parents I want to be called XX.Ok,it's a joke.To be in this class is a wonderful thing.Because god has told me that we will be the NO.1 during the next 3 years.

Fine, I shouldn't tell you this because god also has told me not to tell others.I like making friends with others a lot.So I think we will have a very good time together.But, don't expect me to tell you how to talk to god.Thank you.