第一篇：英語經典幽默故事

My First and My Last When George was thirty-five, he bought a small plane and learned to fly it.He soon became very good and made his plane do all kinds of tricks.George had a friend.His name was Mark.One day George offered to take Mark up in his plane.Mark thought, “I've travelled in a big plane several times, but I've never been in a small one, so I'll go.”

They went up, and George flew around for half an hour and did all kinds of tricks in the air.When they came down again, Mark was very glad to be back safely, and he said to his friend in a shaking voice, “Well, George, thank you very much for those two trips in your plane.” Gerogy was very surprised and said, “Two trips?” “Yes, my first and my last,” answered Mark.第一次與最后一次

喬治35歲時買了架小型飛機，并開始學習駕駛。不久，他就能很嫻熟地駕機做各種各樣的特技飛行了。

喬治有個朋友名叫馬克。一天，喬治主動邀請馬克乘他的飛機上天兜一圈。馬克心想，“我乘大客機飛行過好幾次，還從來沒有乘過小飛機，我不妨試一試。”

升空后，喬治飛了有半個小時，在空中做了各種各樣的飛行特技。

后來他們著陸了。馬克很高興能夠安全返回地面。他用顫抖的聲音對他的朋友說：“喬治，非常感謝你讓我乘小飛機做了兩次飛行。”

喬治非常吃驚地問：“兩次飛行？”

“是的，我的第一次和最后一次。”馬克答道。First Flight Mr.Johnson had never been up in an aerophane before and he had read a lot about air accidents, so one day when a friend offered to take him for a ride in his own small phane, Mr.Johnson was very worried about accepting.Finally, however, his friend persuaded him that it was very safe, and Mr.Johnson boarded the plane.His friend started the engine and began to taxi onto the runway of the airport.Mr.Johnson had heard that the most dangerous part of a flight were the take-off and the landing, so he was extremely frightened and closed his eyes.After a minute or two he opened them again, looked out of the window of the plane, and said to his friend, “Look at those people down there.They look as small as ants, don't they?” “Those are ants,” answered his friend.“We're still on the ground.” 第一次坐飛機

約翰遜先生從前未乘過飛機，他讀過許多關于飛行事故的報道。所以，有一天一位朋友邀請他乘自己的小飛機飛行時，約翰遜先生非常擔心，不敢接受。不過，由于朋友不斷保證說飛行是很安全的，約翰遜先生終于被說服了，登上了飛機。

他的朋友啟動引擎開始在機場跑道上滑行。約翰遜先生聽說飛行中最危險的是起飛與降落，所以他嚇得緊閉雙眼。

過了一兩分鐘，他睜開雙眼朝窗外望去，接著對朋友說道：“看下面那些人，他們看起來就象螞蟻一樣小，是不是？”

“那些就是螞蟻，”他的朋友答道，“我們還在地面上。” A Nail Or A Fly? An old gentleman whose eyesight was failing came to stay in a hotel room with a bottle of wine in each hand.On the wall there was a fly which he took for a nail.So the moment he hung them on, the bottles fell broken and the wine spilt all over the floor.When a waitress discovered what had happened, she showed deep sympathy for him and decided to do him a favour.So the next morning when he was out taking a walk in the roof garden, she hammered a nail exactly where the fly had stayed.Now the old man entered his room.The smell of the spilt wine reminded him of the accident.When he looked up at the wall, he found the fly was there again!He walked to it carefully adn slapped it with all his strength.On hearing a loud cry, the kind-hearted waitress rushed in.To her great surprise, the poor old man was there sitting on the floor, his teeth clenched and his right hand bleeding!釘子還是蒼蠅？

一位視力正在衰退的老紳士住進了一家旅館的客房。他雙手各拿一瓶酒。在墻上有只蒼蠅，他誤以為是枚釘子。他把兩只瓶子朝上一掛，瓶子掉下來摔碎了，酒灑了一地。一個女服務員發現發生的事情以后，對他深表同情，決定幫他個忙。

于是，第二天早上他到樓頂花園散步時，她把一枚釘子釘在了蒼蠅停過的地方。

這里，老人回到了房里。倒灑的酒味讓他想起了那件事。他抬頭往墻上一看，蒼蠅又停在了那兒!他輕手輕腳地走近，使盡全力拍了一掌。聽到一聲大叫，好心的女服務員沖進房來。讓她大為吃驚的是，可憐的老頭正坐在地板上，牙關緊咬，右手滴血不止。I'll See to the Rest A guard was about to signal his train to start when he saw an attractive girl standing on the platform by an open door, talking to another pretty girl inside the carriage.“Come on, miss!” he shouted.“Shut the door, please!”

“Oh, I just want to kiss my sister goodbye,” she called back.“You just shut that door, please,” called the guard, “and I'll see to the rest.” 其余的事由我負責

一位車上的列車員剛發出信號讓火車啟動，這時他看見一位很漂亮的姑娘站在站臺上一節打開的車廂門旁邊，跟車廂里另一位漂亮姑娘在說話。

“快點，小姐!”他喊道：“請把門關上。”

“噢，我還沒有和妹妹吻別呢。”她回答道。

“請把門關上好了，”列車員說：“其余的事由我負責。” Chaude and Cold A patron in Montreal cafe turned on a tap in the washroom and got scalded.“This is an outrage,” he complained.“The faucet marked C gave me boiling water.”

“But, Monsieur, C stands for chaudeand a pair of glasses.Today that man is seated in United States Senate.” 三個外科醫生

三個有名的外科醫生正在吹噓他們的技術。“一個人斷了一只手，他來找我，”一個說，“如今那個人是個音樂會的小提琴手。”

“這算不了什么，”另一個說。“一個家伙兩條腿斷了，他來找我，我將它們接了回去。如今，那人是馬拉松選手。”

“我比你們兩個都強，”第三個說，“一天，我碰到一起可怕的車禍。除了一個馬屁股，和一幅眼睛，什么都沒有留下。如今，那人坐在美國參議院里。” One Side of the Case A judge asked our group of potential jurors whether anyone should be excused, and one man raised his hand.“I can't hear out of my left ear,” the man told the judge.“Can you hear out of your right ear?” the judge asked.The man nodded his head.“You'll be allowed to serve on the jury,” the judge declared.“We only listen to one side of the case at a time.” 一面之辭

一位法官問我們這群修補陪審員是否有人應當免權。一個人舉起了手。

“我的左耳聽不見。”那人告訴法官。

“你的右邊耳朵聽得見嗎？”法官問道。那人點了點頭。

“你將被允許加入陪審團，”法官宣布。“我們每次只聽一面之辭。” A Smugglar The suspicious-looking man drove up to the border, where he was greeted by a sentry.When the guard looked in the trunk, he was surprised to find six sacks bulging at the seams.“What's in here?” he asked.“Dirt,” the driver replied.“Take them out,” the guard instructed.“I want to check them.”

Obliging, the man removed the bags, and sure enough, each one of them contained nothing but dirt.Reluctantly, the guard let him go.A week later the man came back, and once again, the sentry looked in the truck.“What's in the bags this time?” he asked.“Dirt, more dirt.” said the man.Not believing him, the guard checked the sacks and, once again, he found nothing but soil.The same thing happened every week for six months, and it finally became so frustrating to the guard that he quit and became a bartender.Then one night, the suspicious-looking fellow happened to stop by for a drink.Hurrying over to him, the former guard said, “Listen, pal, drinks are on the house tonight if you'll do me a favor: Just tell me what the hell you were smuggling all that time.”

Grinning broadly, the man leaned close to the bartender's ear and whispered, “Cars.” 走私犯

一個形跡可疑的人開車來到邊境，哨兵迎了上去。哨兵在檢查汽車行李箱時，驚奇地發現了六個接縫處鼓得緊繃繃的大口袋。

“里面裝的是什么？”他問道。

“土。”司機回答。

“把袋子拿出來”，哨兵命令道：“我要檢查。”

那人順從地把口袋搬了出來。確實，口袋里除了土以外，別無他特。哨兵很不情愿地讓他通過了。

一周后，那人又來了，哨兵再次檢查汽車上的行李箱。

“這次袋子里裝的是什么？”他問道。

“土，又運了一些土。”那人回答。

哨兵不相信，對那些袋子又進行了檢查，結果發現，除了土以外，仍舊一無所獲。

同樣的事情每周重演一次，一共持續了六個月。最后，哨兵被弄得灰心喪氣，干脆辭職去當了酒吧侍者。有天夜里，那個形跡可疑的人碰巧途經酒吧，下車喝酒。那位從前的哨兵急忙迎上前去對他說，“我說，老兄，你要是能幫我一個忙，今晚的酒就歸我請客。你能不能告訴我，那段時間你到底在走私什么東西？”

那人俯身過來，湊近侍者的耳朵，裂開嘴笑嘻嘻地說：“汽車。” Early Shopper It was Christmas and the judge was in a benevolent mood as he questioned the prisoner.“What are you charged with?” he asked.“Doing my christmas shopping early,” replied the defendant.“That's no offense,” replied the judge, “How early were you doing this shopping?” “Before the store opened,” countered the prisoner.采購過早

那天是圣誕節，法官在審訊犯人時也有點惻隱之心。“你為什么而被起訴？”他問。

“采購圣誕節物品過早。”被告答。

“這不算犯法，”法官回答，“你購物多早？”

在商店開門之前，“犯人應道。Wings The fried-chicken restaurant where I was working had a big rush just before closing one day, leaving us with nothing to sell but wings.As I was about to lock the doors, aa quietly intoxicated customer came in and ordered dinner.When I asked if wings would be all right, he leaned over the counter and replied, “Lady, I came in here to eat, not fly.” 翅 膀 一天，我工作的炸雞店在關門前出現了一陣搶購狂潮，結果除了雞翅外所有的東西都賣完了。當我正準備鎖門時，一名喝醉了的旅客進來要進餐。我問他翅膀行不行，他從柜臺上靠過身子來，回答道：“女士，我到這兒來是吃東西的，不是要飛！” Keep the Change Selling secondhand books at our church bazaar, I got into an argument with a prospective customer.He was interested in buying The Pocket Book of Ogden Nash but claimed it was overpriced at 35 cents.Other paperbacks were selling for ten or 15 cents each.I pointed out that the book was in good condition.Nash was a fun poet, and it was for a good cause.He said it was a matter of principle.Ultimately, I agreed to sell him the book for 15 cents.Triumphant, he paid with a $10 bill.“Keep the change,” he said.零錢不用找了

在教堂的義賣市上賣舊書時，我與一名準備買東西的顧客發生了一場爭論。他對購買袖珍奧金.納什集頗感興趣，但是說它要三十五美分開價過高。其它的平裝書每本才賣十或十五美分。

我指出這本書保存狀況頗好，納什是個有趣的詩人，這個要價是合理的。他說這是個原則問題。最終，我同意以十五美分的價格將這本書賣給他。他得意洋洋，拿出一張十美元的票子付帳。“零錢不用找了。”他說。Three Whistles I promised my girlfriend a gold necklace for her birthday, but when the jeweler quoted a price for one we liked, I let out a long, low whistle.“And how much are they then?” I asked, pointing to another tray.“You, sir,” replied the jeweler, “about three whistles.” 三聲口哨

我答應過我的女朋友過生日進送她一條金項鏈。可是當珠寶商報出我們看中的那條項鏈的價格時，我低低地打了個長口哨。“那這條項鏈多少錢呢？”我指著另一個盤子里的項鏈問。

“先生，對你來說，”珠寶商答道，“大約值三聲口哨。” Too Polite A woman who frequented a small antique shop rarely purchase anything, but always found fault with the merchandise and prices.The manager and her salesclerk took the woman's grumpy complaints in stride, but one day she went too far.“Why is it I never manage to get what I ask for in your shop?” demanded the woman.A smile on her face, the clerk calmly replied, “Perhaps it's because we're too polite.” 太有禮貌

一名婦女經常光顧一家小古董店，但幾乎從不買什么東西，卻總是對商品和價格吹毛求疵。對于那婦女的粗暴抱怨，經理和她的銷售員總是應付了事，但是有一天她做得太過分了。“為什么你們店里總是不能得到我想要的東西？”那名婦女指責說。

職員臉上帶著微笑，沉著地回答道：“也許是因為我們太有禮貌了。” Good Points and Bad Points “This house,” said the real-estate salesman, “has both its good points and bad points.To show you I'm honest, I'm goint to tell you about the disadvantage往南面一個街區是一家化工廠，往北面一個街區是一家屠宰場。”

“那么它的長處呢？”預備購買房子的人問道。

“它的好處，”代理商說道，“就是，你總能分清風是從哪邊吹過來的。” Camera On our way to a wedding in Vermont, my husband and I realized we had forgotten our camera.We stopped at a general store and, hoping to purchase a cheap, disposable model.Sal asked the owner, ”Do you have any of those throwaway cameras?“

”Look, fella,“ replied the owner, ”I don't care what you do with it after you buy it.“ 照相機

在前往威蒙特參加一個婚禮的路上，我和丈夫意識到我們忘了帶照相機。我們在一家百貨商店門前停了下來，希望能夠買到一種便宜的，一次性照相機。薩爾問店主：“你們有那種用了就扔的照相機嗎？”

“我說，小伙子，”店主回答說，“我可不管你買了之后怎么處理它。” Midway Tactics Three competing store owners rented adjoining shops in a mall.Observers waited for mayhem to ensue.The retailer on the right put up huge signs saying, ”Gigantic Sale!“ and ”Super Bargains!“ The store on the left raised bigger signs proclaiming, ”Prices Slashed!“ and ”Fantastic Discounts!“

The owner in the middle then prepared a large sign that simply stated, ”ENTRANCE“.中間戰術

三個互相爭生意的商店老板在一條林蔭道上租用了毗鄰的店鋪。旁觀者等著瞧好戲。

右邊的零售商掛起了巨大的招牌，上書：“大減價!”“特便宜!”

左邊的商店掛出了更大的招牌，聲稱：“大砍價!”“大折扣!”

中間的商人隨后準備了一個大招牌，上面只簡單地寫著：“入口處”。

Large Uniforms During our first three days at Lackland Air Force Base in San Antonio, we were herded from place to place for haircuts, shots and uniforms.Back in our barracks, the drill instructor told us to put on our uniforms and fall out in front of the building.Some of the uniforms, however, were extremely large.As we filed outside, the sergeant stood by the door with his assistant.”We have to take some of these people back for refitting,“ he said.”That last man took two steps before his uniform moved.“ 大制服

在圣安東尼奧的萊克蘭空軍基地的頭三天，我們被從一個地方趕到另一個地方去理發、照相、領制服。回到營房之后，訓練指導員讓我們穿上制服，在營房前原地解散。但是，我些制服特別大。我們列隊的時候，中士和他的副手就站在門邊。“我們得將一些人弄回去重新量一下，”他說，“最后那個人走了兩步，他的制服才動。” Quick Reaction My battery commander and I were interviewing candidates for a position as reconnaissance sergeant in our artillery unit.The selected soldier needed to have keen eyesight, plus the ability to react quickly.During one interview, the commander pointed to a hill about a mile away and asked a young sergeant, ”Can you see that hill over there?“ ”Yes, sir.“ he replied.”Can you see the radio antenna on that hill?“ Again, the soldier said that he could.”Well, then,“ the commander went on, ”Can you see that bird sitting on the antenna?“

The sergeant leaned forward and squinted.”No, sir,“ he said, ”but I can hear it is singing.“ He got the job.快速反應

我和連長在面試我們炮兵部隊偵察中士一職的候選人。被選的士兵要求有敏銳的觀察力及快速的反應力。在一次面試時，連長指著一英里外的一座小山問一名年輕的中士：“你能看見那座山嗎？”

“是的，長官。”他回答道。

“你能看見那座山上的無線電天線嗎？”那士兵又說他能。“那么，”連長接著說：“你能看見停在天線上的那只鳥嗎？”

那名中士身體前傾，眼睛瞇成一條縫。“看不見，長官，”他說，“但我聽見它在唱歌。”

他得到了那份工作。

Visual Training The squad were having ”visual training“.One smart recruit was asked by the officer to count how many men composed a digging party in a distant field.The party was so far away that the men appeared as mere dots, but unhesitatingly the recruit replied: ”Sexteen men and a sergeant, sir.“

”Right;but how do you know there's a sergeant there?“ ”He's not doing any digging, sir.“ 視力訓練

班里正在進行“視力訓練”。一個聰明伶俐的新兵被班長叫出來數遠處曠野上采掘隊的人數。采掘隊在很遠的地方，那些人看起來只是一些小點兒。但是這個新兵毫不猶豫的回答：

“十六個士兵和一個中士，長官。”

“正確。可你如何知道那兒有一個中士？”

“他不干活，長官。” Speed Limit The British RAF base where I was stationed as part of a contingent of USAF personnel had one narrow road winding through the crowded residential area.After a rash of minor vehicle pedestrian accidents, the USAF commander decided to reduce the speed limit to three m.p.h.Shortly after the new limit was posted, an MP sergeant issued a speeding citation to a jeep driver for going five m.p.h.I was curious to know how the MP had determined the jeep's speed so exactly.”I was jogging to get to the PX before it closed,“ he explained, ”and as I passed the jeep, I noticed that the speedometer read five m.p.h.“ 速度限制

我作為美國空軍人員分遣部隊的一員駐扎在英國皇家空軍某某地，那里有一條狹窄的馬路蜿蜒穿過擁擠的居民區。因為多次出現汽車撞傷行人一類不甚嚴重的車禍，美國空軍司令員決定將車速限制在每小時三英里。

新的車速限制公布后不久，一名騎警中士因一名吉普車司機開車時速達五英里而給他開了一張超速傳票。

我很想知道騎警是怎樣如此精確地知道那輛吉普車的速度的。“我遛達著要在郵局關門之前到達那里，”他解釋道：“當我超過吉普車時，我注意到計速器指向了每小時五英里。” West Point My father, brother and I visited West Point to see a football game between Army and Boston College.Taking a stroll before kickoff, we met many cadets in neatly pressed uniforms.Several visting fans asked the recruits if they would pose for photographs, ”to show our son what to expect if he should attend West Point.“

One middle-aged couple approached a very attractive female cadet and asked her to pose for a picture.They explained, ”We want to show our son what he missed by not coming to West Point.“ 西點軍校

父親、哥哥和我到西點軍校去觀看一場陸軍與波士頓大學之間的橄欖球賽。開始之前，我們到處轉了轉，碰到許多穿著整齊制服的學員。幾名游客問新兵是否愿意擺出軍姿來讓他們攝。“好認我們的兒子知道，如果他到西點軍校來學習會得到什么。”

一對中年夫婦走近一名非常漂亮的女學員，問她是否愿意擺個姿勢照相。他們解釋說：“我們想讓兒子知道他沒來西點軍校錯過了什么。” I Didn't Know That I Was So Far Back Already!

A big battle was going on during the First World War.Guns were firing, and shells and bullets were flying about everywhere.After an hour of this, one of the soldier decided that the fighting was getting too dangerous for him, so he left the front line and began to go away from the battle.After he had walked for an hour, he saw an officer coming towards him.The officer stopped him and said, ”Where are you going?“

”I'm trying to get as far away as possible from the battle that's going on behind us, sir.“ the soldier answered.”Do you know who I am?“ the officer said to him angerly.”I'm your commanding officer.“ The soldier was very surprised when he heard this and said, ”My God, I didn't know that I was so far back already!“

真沒想到我已經往回跑了這么遠!第一次世界大戰期間，一場大戰役正在進行。槍炮轟鳴，子彈橫飛。這樣持續了一小時后，有個士兵認為戰斗太危險了，所以他離開前線，開始逃離戰場。走了一個小時后，他看見一個軍官朝他走過來。軍官攔住他，問道：“你到哪兒去？”

“長官，我正盡力躲開身后正在進行的戰斗。”士兵回答說。

“你知道我是誰嗎？”軍官生氣地說：“我是你們的指揮官。”

士兵聽了十分驚訝地說：“天哪，真沒想到我已經往回跑了這么遠!” None Other Than a Soldier As a newly commissinaed infantry lieutenant, I was eager to set an example for my platoon by cleaning my own M-16 rifle.While we were working on the weapons, one soldier complained about the unusual notched shape of the M-16's bolt and chamber, which makes it difficult to clean.”Lieutenant, they need to make something to clean this with,“ the soldier said.”They do,“ piped up a sergeant.”Really,“ I said with surprise, wondering why we had not ordered such a tool.”Yes, sir,“ replied the sergeant.”It's called a soldier.“ 正是士兵

作為一名新上任的步兵中尉，我通過擦拭自己的M-16式自動步槍給全排作個榜樣。我們一塊擦槍，一名戰士抱怨由于M-16的槍栓槍膛的特別凹形結構，擦起來十分困難。

“中尉，應該制造一種擦這槍的工具。”士兵說。

“已經制造出來了。”一軍士尖叫。

“真的？”我十分詫異，納悶為什么我們沒有定購這種工具。

“真的，長官，”軍士答道，“它就是士兵。” Best Reward A naval officer fell overboard.He was rescued by a deck hand.The officer asked how he could reward him.”The best way, sir,“ said the deck hand, ”is to say nothing about it.If the other fellows knew I'd pulled you out, they'd chuck me in.“ 最好的獎賞

一名海軍軍官從甲板上掉入海中。他被一名甲板水手救起。這位軍官問如何都能酬謝他。

“最好的辦法，長官，”這名水手說，“是別聲張這事。如果其他人知道我救了您，他們會把我扔下去的。” Skunk ”We have a skunk in the basement,“ shrieked the caller to the police dispatcher.”How can we get it out?“

”Take some bread crumbs,“ said the dispatcher, ”and put down a trail from the basement out to the back yard.Then leave the cellar door open.“

Sometime later the resident called back.”Did you get rid of it?“ asked the dispatcher.”No,“ replied the caller.”Now I have two skunks in there!“ 臭 鼬

“我們的地下室里有一只臭鼬，”打電話的人對警察調度員尖叫道。“我們怎樣才能把它弄出來？”

“弄一些面包屑，”調度員說，“從地下室往外鋪一條小道直到后院。然后將地下室的門打開。”

一段時間后，那位居民又將電話打了回來。“你們將它弄出來了嗎？”調度員問。

“沒有，”打電話的人答道，“現在那兒有兩只臭鼬了。” A Mistake An Amercian, a Scot and a Canadian were killed in a car accident.They arrived at the gates of heaven, where a flustered St.Peterexplained that there had been a mistake.”Give me $500 each,“ he said, ”and I'll return you to earth as if the whole thing never happened.“

”Done!“ said the American.Instantly, he found himself standing unhurt near the scene.”Where are the others?“ asked a medic.”Last I knew,“ said the American, ”the Scot was huggling price, and the Canadian was arguing that his government should pay.“ 搞錯了

一位美國人，一位英格蘭人和一位加拿大人在一場車禍中喪生。他們到達天堂的門口。在那里，醉醺醺的圣彼德解釋說是搞錯了。“每人給我五百美元，”他說，“我將把你們送回人間，就象什么都沒有發生過一樣。”

“成交!”美國人說。立刻，他發現自己毫不損傷地站在現場附近。

“其他人在哪兒？”一名醫生問道。

“我離開之前，”那名美國人說，“我看見英格蘭人正在砍價，而那名加拿大人正在分辯說應該由他的政府來出這筆錢。” Good News And Bad News ”There's good news and bad news,“ the divorce lawyer told his client.”I could sure use some good news,“ sighed the client.”What's it?“

”Your wife isn't demanding that your future inheritances be included in the settlement.“ ”And the bad news?“

”After the divorce, she's marrying your father.“ 好消息和壞消息

“有好消息，也有壞消息，”離婚律師告訴他的當事人。

“我總能利用一些好消息吧，”當事人吧了口氣說，“是什么好消息？”

“你妻子沒有要求將你未來的繼承財產也劃入裁決的范圍。”

“那么壞消息呢？”

“離婚以后，她將與你父親結婚。” Perfect Match A wealthy matron is so proud of a valuable antique vase that she decides to have her bedroom painted the same color as the vase.Several painters try to match the shade, but none comes close enough to satisfy the eccentric woman.Eventually, a painter approaches who is confident he can mix the proper color.The woman is pleased with the result, and the painter becomes famous.Years later, he retires and truns the business over to his son.”Dad,“ says the son, ”there's something I've got to know.How did you get those walls to match the vase so perfectly?“ ”Son,“ the father replies, ”I painted the vase.“ 絕 配

一位富婆為擁有一只珍貴的古玩而深感驕傲，以至于她竟要把臥室漆成與花瓶同樣的顏色。幾名油漆匠試圖調出這個底色，但是誰也沒有能令那位怪癖的婦女滿意。

最后來了位油漆匠。他非常自信能調出那種顏色。那婦女對他的成果非常滿意，油漆匠于是一舉成名。

多年以后，他退休了，生意也交給兒子。“爸，”兒子說，“有件事我得弄清楚，您是怎樣使墻的顏色與花瓶配得那么絕的？”

“兒子，”父親回答說，“我漆了花瓶。” Patience Angler: You've been watching me for three hours now.Why don't you try yourself? Onlooker: I haven't got the patience.耐 性

垂釣者：你已經盯著看了三個小時了，你干嘛不自己親自釣呢？

旁觀者：我沒那耐性。The World's Greatest Swordsman At an exhibition of the world's best swordsman, the third-place fencer took the stage.A fly was released, and with an arc of his sword he cut the fly in half.The crowd cheered.Then the second-place man sliced a fly into quarters.A hush fell in anticipation of the world's greatest swordsman.His blade came down in a mighty arcbut he will never be a father.” 世界上最偉大的擊劍手

在一場世界最佳擊劍手表演中，排名第三的擊劍手上場了。一只蒼蠅放了出來，劍劃了一個弧，他將蒼蠅劈成了兩半。觀眾歡呼起來。緊接著排名第二的人將一只蒼蠅切成了四半。現場一陣沉默，人們期盼著世界上最偉大的擊劍手出場。

他的劍鋒以一個巨大的弧線劃了下來－－然而那只昆蟲還在繼續飛行!觀眾被驚呆了。最偉大的擊劍手完全錯過了他的目標，然而他還在微笑著。

“你為什么這么高興？”有人嚷道，“你沒擊中!”

“啊，”劍手答道，“你剛才沒有很仔細地看。蒼蠅還活著，是的－－但他永遠也做不成爸爸了。” Only Once A novice lion tamer was being interviewed.“I understand your father was also a lion tamer,” the reporter queried.“Yes, he was,” the man replied.“Do you actually put your head in the lion's mouth?”

“I did it only once,” said the new tamer, “to look for Dad.” 只有一次

一位馴獅新手正在接受采訪。“我知道你的父親也是個馴獅手，”記者說。

“他過去是。”那人回答說。

“你真的把頭伸進過獅子的嘴里嗎？”

“只有一次，”那位馴獅新手說，“為了找我爸爸。” Starstruck I have been starstruck since I was a little girl, so I was delighted and practically speechless not long ago when I spotted the actor Ernest Borgnine walking in my direction on New York's Fifth Avenue.“Why, you're Ernest Borgnine!” I managed to blurt out.“Yes,” he said, nodding politely, “I know.” 追星族

從小時候起，我就一直被明星所深深吸引，因此不久以前當我在紐約第五大街上認出演員厄內斯特.波格尼向我迎面走過來時，我欣喜若狂，完全不知該說什么好。“怎么，你是厄內斯特.波格尼!”我想法迸出一句話來。

“是的，”他很有禮貌地點了點頭，說道：“我知道。” Keep the Change One sweltering day, I was scooping ice cream into cones and told my four children they could “buy” a cone from me for a hug.Almost immediately, the kids lined up to make their purchases.The three youngest each gave me a quick hug, grabbed their cones and raced back outside.But when my teen-age son at the end of the line finally got his turn to “buy” his ice cream, he gave me two hugs.“Keep the changes,” he said with a smile.不用找了

有一天天氣悶熱，我將冰淇淋舀進錐筒，告訴我的四個小孩，他們可以從我這里用擁抱“購買”一筒。于是，孩子們馬上排起了隊來購買。較小的三個孩子每人很快的抱了我一下，抓過冰淇淋筒就跑到外面去了。最后輪到排在隊尾十年的大兒子來“買”冰淇淋時，他擁抱了我二下。“不用找了，”他笑著說。Persistance Returning from a golf outing, my husband was greeted at the door by Sara, our four-year-old daughter.“Daddy, who won the golf game? You or Uncle Richie?”

“Uncle Richie and I don't play golf to win,” my husband hedged.“We just play to have fun.” Undaunted, Sare said, “Okay, Daddy, who had more fun?” 纏住不放

丈夫打完高爾夫球回來，我們四歲的女兒莎拉在門口迎了上去。“爸爸，誰贏了高爾夫球比賽，是你還是理查叔叔？”

“我和理查叔叔打高爾夫球不是為贏，”丈夫推諉說。“我們打球只是為了好玩而已。”

莎拉毫不氣餒，又問：“那么，爸爸，誰覺得更好玩呢？” Treat As a rookie in the Atlantic City, N.J., Police department, I was assigned a beat on the boardwalk.Hardly a day went by when I didn't come upon a child who had become separated from his parents.One afternoon, I spotted a small boy standing alone, obviously lost.I tried to gain his confidence$45.“

”Why don't you order that, Mom?“ I asked.”I know how much you like lobster.“

She looked at me with the eyes of a skeptic and shook her head.”How do they know they're really twins?“ 孿生龍蝦

我當演員取得成功后，想在媽媽面前炫耀一番。于是，我帶著她到拉斯維加斯的凱撒宮去吃飯。在菜譜中有道菜是“孿生龍蝦--45美元。”

“你為什么不點那個呢，媽？”我問道：“我知道你很喜歡吃龍蝦了。”

她滿眼狐疑地看著我，然后搖了搖頭。“他們怎么知道它們確實是孿生的呢？” A Fine Match One day a lady saw a mouse running across her kitchen floor.She was very afraid of mouse, so she ran out of the house, got into a bus and went to the shops.There she bought a mousetrap.The shopkeeper said to her, ”Put some cheese in it and you will soon catch that mouse.“

The lady went home with her mousetrap, but when she looked in her cupboard, she could not find any cheese in it.She did not want to go back to the shop, because it was very late, so she cut a picture of some cheese out of a magazine and put that in the trap.Surprisingly, the picture of the cheese was quite successful!When the lady came down to the kitchen the next morning she found a picture of a mouse in the trap beside the picture of the cheese!勢均力敵

有一天某位女士看到一只老鼠在自家的廚房地板上竄過。她很害怕老鼠，所以她沖出屋子，搭上了公共汽車直奔商店。在那兒，她買了一只老鼠夾。店主告訴她：“放點奶酪在里面，很快你就會逮住那只老鼠的。”

這位女士帶著鼠夾回到家里，但她沒有在碗櫥里找到奶酪。她不想再回到商店里去，因為已經很晚了。于是，她就從一份雜志中剪下一幅奶酪的圖片放進了夾子。

令人稱奇的是，這畫有奶酪的圖片竟然奏效了!第二天早上，這位女士下樓到廚房時，發現鼠夾里奶酪圖片旁有一張畫有老鼠的圖片!The Same Service A man who had been married for ten years was consulting a marriage counselor.”When I was first married, I was very happy.I'd come home from a hard day down at the shop, and my little dog would race around barking, and my wife would bring me my slippers.Now everything's changed.When I come home, my dog brings me my slippers, and my wife barks at me.“

”I don't know what you're complaining about,“ said the counselor, ”You're still getting the same service.“ 同樣的服務

有位結婚十年的男人，正向婚姻顧問請教。

“新婚時我非常幸福。在市區的商店里累了一天，回到家里，小狗圍著我又跑又叫，妻子忙給我拿來拖鞋。現在一切都變了。小狗給我叼來拖鞋，妻子對我又喊又叫。”

“我不知道你有什么可抱怨的，”顧問說，“你得到的服務還是同樣的嘛。” Class and Ass Professor Laurie of Glasgow put his notice on his door: ”Professor Laurie will not meet his classes today.“

A student, after reading the notice, rubbed out the ”c“.Later Professor Laurie came along, and entering into the spirit of the joke, rubbed out the ”l“.班和笨驢

格拉斯哥的勞里教授在門上貼了這樣一個通知：“勞里教授今天不見他的班級。”

一個學生讀了通知后，擦掉了字母“c”(lass：姑娘)。

后來勞里教授來了，也想開開玩笑，他擦掉了字母“l”(ass：笨驢)。

Plagiarism A friend of mine who teachs European history at Washington University in St.Louis tell about the time he spotted a plagiarized term paper.He summoned the student to his office.”This isn't your work.“ he said.”Someone typed it for you straight out of the encyclopedia.“You cann't prove that!” the student sputtered.My friend amiled and show him the paper.Circled in red was: “Also see article on communism.” 抄 襲

我有個朋友在圣路易斯的華盛頓大學教歐洲歷史，他說有一次他發現了一篇抄襲的學期論文。他把那個學生叫到了辦公室。“這不是你寫的，”他說，“有人幫你從百科全書上原封不動地打印了下來。”

“你沒有證據。”那學生氣急敗壞地說。

我朋友笑了，他把論文拿給他看。用紅筆圈出來的是：“也可參閱共產主義一文。” Virtue Many years after receiving my graduate degree, I returned to the State University of New York at Binghamton as a faculty member.One day in a crowded elevator, someone remarked on its inefficiency.I said the elevators had not changed in the 20 years since I began there as a student.When the door finally opened, I felt a compassionate pat on my back, and turned to see an elderly nun smiling at me.“You'll get that degree, dear,” she whispered.“Perseverance is a virtue.” 美 德

獲取研究生學位多年以后，我回到位于賓翰頓的紐約州立大學當教員。一天，電梯里很擁擠，有人抱怨電梯效率太低。我說自我在那里當學生起，20年來電梯一直沒有換過。

最后當電梯門打開時，我感到有人在我的背上同情地拍了一下，回過頭來我看到一位年長的修女正在朝我微笑。“你會拿到學位的，親愛的，”她低聲說道：“堅持不懈是一種美德。” Difference “I can always tell a graduate class from an undergraduate class,” observed the instructor in one of my graduate engineering courses at California State University in Los Angeles.“When I say, 'Good afternoon,' the undergraduates respond, 'Good afternoon.” But the graduate students just write it down.“ 區 別

“研究生班和本科生很容易就能區別開來，”在洛杉磯加利福利亞州立大學給我們研究生上工程學課的老師如此說。“我說?下午好?，本科生們回答說?下午好?。研究生們則把我說的話記在筆記本上。” Flunking Math My son, who made the dean's list in his freshman year at Ball State University in Muncie, Ind., called home a few weeks after starting his sophomore year as a psychology student.”Mom,“ he said excitely, ”I have found the answer to surviving college!It isn't the grades that are so important, but the quality of what is learned and how it is applied to daily life.I'm lucky to be having these wonderful experiences!“ ”And just what does this mean?“ I asked.”I'm flunking math,“ he replied.數學沒及格

我兒子是印第安那市曼西爾波州立大學的學生，大學一年級就上了系主任的名單。第二年他學心理學，剛幾個星期他就給家里打了個電話。

“媽媽，”他激動地說：“我找到了如何在大學里生存下去的答案!重要的不是分數，而是具備將學到的知識應用于日常生活的素質。我很幸運地有了這種奇妙的經歷。”

“你到底是什么意思？”我問道。

“我數學沒及格。”他回答說。

Part-time Job When my son was a hign-school sophomore, he got a part-time job sacking groceries at a supermarket.He came home all smiles.”How was your first day?“ I asked.”It was great, Dad,“ he replied.”I got to talk to some good-looking girls.“ Since Stephen is not very talkative, I asked, ”What did you say to them?“ ”Do you prefer paper or plastic?“ 業余工作

我兒子在一所中學讀二年級時，在一家超級市場找到了一份包裝商品的業余工作。他滿面笑容地回到了家。

“第一天感覺如何？”我問。

“好極了，爸爸。”他答道，“我跟許多漂亮的女孩子講了話。”

由于斯蒂芬不善言談，我問道：“你跟他們說了些什么？”

“你是喜歡紙包裝還是塑料包裝？” Keys? Kiss? A friend of mine was giving an English lesson to a class of adult who had recently come to live in the United States.After placing quite a number of everyday objects on a table, he asked various members of the class to give him the ruler, the book, the pen and so on.The class went very smoothly and the students seemed interested and serious about the work that they were engaged in until when my friend turned to an Italian student and said, ”Give me the kays.“ The man looked surprised and somewhat at a loss.Seeing this, my friend thought that the student hadn't heard him clearly, so he repeated.”Give me the kays.“ The Italian shrugged his shoulders.Then, he threw his arms around the teacher's neck and kissed him on both cheeks.鑰匙還是接吻

我的一位朋友在給一個成人學生班級上英語課。他們都是新近來美國生活的。在一張桌子上擺了許多日常用品之后，他請全班同學給他挑出尺子，書本，鋼筆等。課進行得井然有序，學生們對自己所做的似乎很感興趣，也很認真。后來輪到一名來自意大利的學生，我的朋友說：“給我鑰匙。”那人看起來非常吃驚，也有點手足無措。看到這種情況，我的朋友想是他沒有聽清楚，于是又重復了一遍：“給我鑰匙。”那位意大利學生聳了聳肩。接著，他伸出胳膊摟住老師的脖子在雙頰上親了兩下。Prepare Yourself A story around campus has it taht a student once sent a telegram to his parents reading: ”Mom-flunked all courses.Kicked out of school.Prepare Pop.“

Two days later he received a response: ”Pop prepared.Prepare yourself.“ 自己做好準備

校園里流傳著這樣的故事：一個學生一次給父母拍了一份電報，上面寫著：“媽媽－我所有功課都不及格，被學校開除。讓爸爸做好準備。”

兩天以后，他收到了回電：“爸爸已準備好。你自己做好準備吧!” 妻子要是報紙就好了

Wife talking to her husband，who reads newspaper all day: I

wish I were a newspaper so I'll be in your hands all day.Husband: I wish that too, so I could change you daily

妻子和丈夫談話，他一天到晚總是看報紙，妻子抱怨說：我要是報紙就好了，那樣我就可以天天在你手里了。

丈夫說我也希望那樣，那樣我就可以每天換一個了。

幽默笑話

一則英語笑話測試你的英語水平

I have heard one sad story of a hitchhiker who went into a

shop and saw the sign ”Lift“ but found it too heavy, then saw

the sign ”Pet Supplies“ so he did, this wasn't too bad but

then he went outside and saw the sign ”Compact Cars" and went

to prison for ten years.A：一個搭車者，走進一家商店，看見Lift(千斤頂)的標簽，看見Pet

Supplies(寵物用品)的標簽，看見Compact Cars(小轎車)的標簽，最后卻被關進監獄，判刑十年。

B：我曾聽說過一個倒霉的故事，有一個搭車者，走進一家商店，看見Lift標簽，想搶一個千斤頂，但千斤頂太重，所以沒搶；看見Pet

Supplies標簽，搶了一些寵物用品，不過寵物用品并不值幾個錢，所以罪行并不嚴重；但當他走出商店時，看見Compact

Cars標簽，他又搶了一輛小轎車，所以最后他被警察逮住，坐牢十年。

C:這段話其實是一個笑話，其中的Lift、Pet和Compact，并不是名詞或形容詞，而是動詞，意思分別是：舉起、撫摸和壓扁，因此這段話的真正意思是：我曾聽說過一個倒霉的故事，有一個搭車者，走進一家商店，看見一個標簽上寫著“舉起來”，可是那個東西太重了；看見一個標簽上寫著“拍拍商品”，于是就拍了拍，這也沒什么；但當他走出商店時，又看見一個標簽，上面寫著“砸汽車”，結果被判坐牢十年

第二篇：英語經典幽默故事

英語經典幽默故事

故事一

Best Reward

A naval officer fell overboard.He was rescued by a deck hand.The officer asked how he could reward him.“The best way, sir, ”said the deck hand, “is to say nothing about it.If the other fellows knew I’d pulled you out, they’d chuck me in.”

最好的獎賞

一名海軍軍官從甲板上掉入海中。他被一名甲板水手救起。這位軍官問如何能酬謝他。“最好的辦法，長官，”這名水手說，“是別聲張這事。如果其他人知道我救了您，他們會把我扔下去的。”

故事二

I Taught the Teacher

Mother asked her little boy,”Darling, what did the teacher teach you today?” “Nothing, Mum.” Answered the son proudly, “instead, she asked me how much one plus two was, and I told her three.”

我教老師

母親問她年幼的兒子：“寶貝，今天老師教了你些什么？”兒子驕傲地說：“什么都沒教，媽媽。她反倒問我一加二等于幾，我告訴她等于三。”

故事三

How Did You Ever Get Here

One winter morning, an employee explained why he had shown up for work 45 minutes late.“It was so slippery out that for every step I took ahead, I slipped back two.”

The boss eyed him suspiciously.”Oh, yeah? Then how did you ever get here?”

“I finally gave up,” he said, “and started for home.”

你是怎么來的？

一個冬天的早晨，一名雇員解釋他為什么遲到了四十五分鐘才來上班。“外面太滑了，我每向前邁一步，就要向后退兩步。”

老板狐疑地看著他。“噢，是嗎？那你是怎么到這兒來的？”

“后來我決定放棄，”他說，“然后我就往家里走。”

索創在線英語http:///

第三篇：英語幽默故事

外語下載中心http://down.tingroom.com

1、That man knows the future

Nasreddin was cutting a branch of a tree in his garden.While he was sawing, another man passed in the street.He stopped and said, 'Excuse me, but if you continue to saw that branch like that, you will fall down with it.' He said this because Nasreddin was sitting on the branch and cutting it at a place between himself and the trunk of the tree.Nasreddin said nothing.He thought, 'This is some foolish person who has no work to do and goes about telling other people what to do and what not to do.' The man continued on his way.Of course, after a few minutes, the branch fell and Nasreddin fell with it.'My God!' he cried.'That man knows the future!' and he ran after him to ask how long he was going to live.But the man had gone.2、You'll soon get used to it?

An old man died and left his son a lot of money.But the son was a foolish young man, and he quickly spent all the money, so that soon he had nothing left.Of course, when that happened, all his friends left him.When he was quite poor and alone, he went to see Nasreddin, who was a kind, clever old man and often helped people when they had troubles.'My money has finished and my friends have gone,' said the young man.'What will happen to me now?' 'Don't worry, young man,' answered Nasreddn.'Everything will soon be all right again.Wait, and you will soon feel much happier.' The young man was very glad.'Am I going to get rich again then?' he asked Nasreddin.'No, I didn't mean that,' said the old man.'I meant that you would soon get used to being poor and to having no friends.'

Nasreddin put two big baskets of grapes on his donkey and went to market.At midday it was very hot, so he stopped in the shade of a big tree.There were several other men there, and all of them had donkeys and baskets of grapes too.After their lunch they went to sleep.After some time, Nasreddin began to take grapes out of the other men's baskets and to put them in his.Suddenly one of the men woke up and saw him.'What are you doing?' he said angrily.'Oh,' said Nasreddin, don't worry about me.I am half mad, and I do a lot of strange things.'

'Oh, really?' said the other man.'Then why don't you sometimes take grapes out of your baskets and put them in somebody else's baskets?'

'You did not understand me,' said Nasreddin.I said，that I was half mad, not quite mad.' 外語下載中心http://down.tingroom.com

納斯瑞丁將兩大筐葡萄放在他的毛驢背上，趕著驢向市場去。中午時，天氣很炎熱，他在一顆大樹的樹蔭下停了下來。那里還有幾個人，他們都帶著毛驢并馱著一筐筐葡萄。吃完中飯后，這些人就睡覺了。過了一會兒，納斯瑞丁就開始從別人筐里拿葡萄往自己筐里放。

突然，一個人醒來并看見了他在干這件事。“你在干什么？”他憤怒地說。

“哦，”納斯瑞丁說：“不要為我擔心，我是個半瘋子，而且常常做一些奇怪的事。”

“啊，是嗎？”另一個人說：“那么你為什么不有時從你的筐中拿葡萄往別人筐里放呢？”

“你還沒明白我的話，”納斯瑞丁說：“我說我只是個半瘋，并不是全瘋。”

There was a big garden near Nasreddin's house, and it had a lot of fruit trees in it.One day Nasreddin saw some beautiful apples on one of them.He went home and got a ladder, put it against the high wall of the garden and climbed up.Then he pulled the ladder up, put it down on the other side, and climbed down into the garden.Just then a gardener came round a corner and saw him.'What are you doing here?' he shouted.Nasreddin thought quickly and then said, 11 am selling my ladder.'

'Selling your ladder? In somebody else's garden? Do you think I believe such a stupid story?' said the gardener and came towards Nasreddin with a stick.'It is my ladder,' said Nasreddin, 'and I can sell it where I like.You needn't buy it if you don't want to.' And he took his ladder and climbed over the wall again.靠近納斯瑞丁的家有一座大花園，花園中有很多果樹。一天，納斯瑞丁看見一顆果樹上有些蘋果長得很好。他就回家去拿了一個梯子，把梯子靠在花園的高墻上后就爬了上去。然后拿起梯子，把它放在墻那邊，下了梯子就進了花園。正好這時，花園的園丁從墻角轉過來看見了他。外語下載中心http://down.tingroom.com

“你在這里干些什么？”花園的園丁叫喊道。

納斯瑞丁很快想了想，然后說道：“我正在賣我的梯子呢。”

“賣你的梯子？在別人的花園里賣梯子？你認為我會相信這種蠢話嗎？”說著，花園的園丁拿著根棍子向納斯瑞丁走來。

“這是我的梯子，”納斯瑞丁說：“我想在哪里賣就在哪里賣。如果你不想要就不買好了。”接著，他拿著梯子又爬過了圍墻。

Nasreddin woke up in the middle of the night and saw something white in his garden.It seemed to be moving towards the house.'That is a thief!, he thought, and he took his gun and shot at him.Then he went back to bed, because he was too frightened to go out of the house in the dark.The next morning Nasreddin went out and saw one of his white shirts hanging' on the clothes-line in the garden.His wife had washed it the day before and hung it out to dry.Now it had a bullet-hole right through the middle of it.'My God,' said Nasreddin, 11 was lucky last night.If I had been wearing that shirt, the bullet would have killed me!' And he called his neighbours together and asked them to thank God for saving him.納斯瑞丁半夜醒來，看見一個白色的東西在他花園里。看起來好像在向屋子這邊移動著。

“是賊！”納斯瑞丁想，接著他拿出槍向賊射擊。然后，他又上床睡覺了，因為他害怕，所以不敢在黑暗中走出屋子。

第二天早晨，納斯瑞丁出來看見他的一件白襯衣掛在花園里的曬衣繩上。是他的妻子前一天將襯衣洗好后掛在外面晾干的。現在在它中間有一個子彈孔正好穿過。

“我的天，”納斯瑞丁說：“昨夜我真是走運，要是我穿上這件襯衣，子彈就把我打死了！”接著他就把鄰居們召集在一起，并要他們一塊兒感謝上帝救了他的命。外語下載中心http://down.tingroom.com

When Nasreddin was a boy, he never did what he was told, so his father always told him to do the opposite of what he wanted him to do.One day, when the two were bringing sacks of flour home on their donkeys, they had to cross a shallow river.When they were in the middle of it, one of the sacks on Nasreddin's donkey began to slip, so his father said, 'That sack is nearly in the water!Press down hard on it!'

His father of course expected that he would do the opposite, but this time Nasreddin did what his father had told him to do.He pressed down on the sack and it went under the water.Of course, the flour was lost.'What have you done, Nasreddin?' his father shouted angrily.'Well, Father', said Nasreddin, ,this time I thought that I would do just what you told me, to show you how stupid your orders always are.'

當納斯瑞丁還是個孩子的時候，他從不照著別人說的去做，所以他爸爸想讓他做什么時，總是反著說。

一天，他們倆用毛驢馱著幾袋面粉回家時，他們路過必經的一條淺水河。當他們走到河中間時，納斯瑞丁趕的驢子馱的一個口袋開始滑動，所以他爸爸說：“那個口袋快要滑到水里了！使勁將它向下壓！”

納斯瑞丁的爸爸當然預料他會反著做，但是這一次納斯瑞丁卻照著他爸爸說的做了。他向下壓口袋，口袋掉到了水里。當然，面粉也就完了。

“你干了些什么，納斯瑞丁？”他爸爸生氣地叫了起來。

“哦，爸爸，”納斯瑞丁說：“這一次我想我偏要照你說的做，讓你看看你的指揮一向是多么愚蠢。”

Nasreddin had lost his donkey.He was going about looking for it everywhere, and while he was looking, he was singing gaily.One of his neighbours saw him and said, 'Hullo, Nasreddin.What are you doing?' 外語下載中心http://down.tingroom.com

'I am looking for my donkey,' answered Nasreddin.'Don't you know where it is?' asked the neighbour.'No, I don't.'

'Then why are you singing so gaily? Usually when somebody loses something, he is sad.'

'Yes, that is quite true,' answered Nasreddin.'But you see, I am not yet sure that my donkey is lost.My last hope is that it is behind that hill over there.If you wait a little, you will hear how I will cry and complain if it is not there!'

納斯瑞丁的毛驢丟了。他四處尋找，并且一邊找一邊高興地唱著歌。

一個鄰居看見他這副樣子，就問：“喂，納斯瑞丁，你在干嘛？”

“我正在找我的毛驢呢，”納斯瑞丁回答。

“你不知道驢子在哪兒嗎？”鄰居問道。

“我不知道。”

“那么，你為什么還這么高興地唱著歌呢？通常人們丟失了東西時總是很悲傷的。”

“是的，你說的很對，”納斯瑞丁回答說：“但是你要知道，我并沒有認為我的驢子確實已經丟了。我的最后一個希望是驢就在那邊的那座山后面。如果驢不在那里的話，等一會兒，你就會聽到我是怎樣的哭喊和抱怨了。”

One winter Nasreddin had very little money.His crops had been very bad that year, and he had to live very cheaply.He gave his donkey less food, and when after two days the donkey looked just the same, he said to himself, 'The donkey was used to eating a lot.Now he is quickly getting used to eating less;and soon he will got used to living on almost nothing.'

Each day Nasreddin gave.the donkey a little less food, until it was hardly eating anything.外語下載中心http://down.tingroom.com

Then one day, when the donkey was going to market with a load of wood on its back, it suddenly died.'How unlucky I am,' said Nasreddin.'Just when my donkey had got used to eating hardly anything, it came to the end of its days in this world.' 1.What was the matter with Nasreddin one winter?

2.Why had this happened?

3.What did he have to do?

4.What did he do to his donkey?

5.What happened after two days?

6.What did Nasreddin then say to himself?

7.What did he do each day after that?

8.What was the donkey doing in the end?

9.What happened to the donkey?

10.When did it happen?

11.What did Nasreddin say?

一年冬天，納斯瑞丁身上只有很少一點錢了。這年他的莊稼長得很不好，他只得十分節省地過日子。他給驢子喂的食料比過去少了。兩天以后，驢子看起來和往日一樣，納斯瑞丁就自言自語地說：“這頭驢過去習慣于吃得很多，現在它很快就適應吃得比過去少了；很快它就會適應幾乎什么都不吃了。”

以后，納斯瑞丁每天一點一點地減少喂驢的食料，直到這驢幾乎什么都不吃。

后來有一天，當這驢子馱著一馱木頭趕集去的時候，它突然死了。“我真是太倒霉了，”納斯瑞丁說：“就在我的驢子剛剛適應幾乎什么都不用吃時，它在這世上卻又活到頭了。

Nasreddin's wife was very ill, and at last she died.After a few months, Nasreddin married again.His new wife was a widow.Exactly seven days after he married her, she had a baby.外語下載中心http://down.tingroom.com

Nasreddin at once hurried away to the market and bought some paper, some pencils, some pens and some children's books.Then he hurried back home again with these things and put them beside the baby.His now wife was surprised.'What are you doing?' she said.'The baby won't be able to use.those things for a long time Why are you in such a hurry?'

Nasreddin answered, 'You are quite wrong, my dear.Our baby is not an ordinary baby.It came in seven days instead of nine months, so it will certainly be ready to learn to read and write in a few weeks from now.' 1.What happened to Nasreddin's first wife?

2.What did Nasreddin do?

3.When did he do this?

4.What was his new wife?

5.What happened to his new wife then?

6.When did it happen?

7.What did Nasreddin do at once?

8.What did he buy?

9.What did he do with these things?

10.How did his wife feel?

11.What did she say to Nasreddin?

12.What did he answer?

納斯瑞丁的妻子得了重病，最后死去了。幾個月以后，納斯瑞丁又結了婚。他的新妻子原先是一個寡婦。

正好在他們結婚七天以后，她生下一個孩子。

納斯瑞丁馬上趕到市場買了一些紙、鉛筆、鋼筆和一些兒童圖書。然后，他帶著這些東西匆匆地回家，并把這些東西放在嬰兒的旁邊。他的新婚妻子很吃驚。“你這是在干嘛？”她說：“這孩子用這些東西還早著呢，你忙什么？” 外語下載中心http://down.tingroom.com

納斯瑞丁回答說：“你說的可太不對了，親愛的。我們的孩子是個不同尋常的孩子。他用七天而不是九個月來到世上，所以從現在起幾星期以后，他一定會愿意學習識字和寫字了。”

Some of Nasreddin's old friends were talking about the young people in their town.They all agreed that old people were wiser than young people.Then one of the old men said, 'But young men are stronger than old men.'

All of them agreed that this was true, except Nasreddin.He said, 'No.I am as strong now as when I was a young man.'

'What do you mean?' said his friends.'How is that possible? Explain yourself!'

'Well,' said Nasreddin, 'in one corner of my field there is a rock.When I was a young man I used to try to move it, but I couldn't because I was not strong enough.I am an old man now, and when I try to move it, I still cannot.' 1.Who were talking at the beginning of this story?

2.What were they talking about?

3.What did they all agree?

4.What did one of the old men say then?

5.What did the others do?

6.Who did not agree?

7.What did he say?

8.What did his friends say then?

9.What did Nasreddin answer?

10.Why did he think that he was as strong as when he was a young man?

11.What mistake was he making when he thought this? 外語下載中心http://down.tingroom.com

納斯瑞丁和一些老朋友正在談論著他們鎮上的年青人。他們一致認為老年人比年青人更有智慧。后來有位老人說：“不過年青人要比老年人力氣大。”

他們都承認這是事實，但納斯瑞丁除外。他說：“不，我現在的力氣和我年青時一樣大。”

“這話是什么意思呢？”他的朋友們說：“這可能嗎？你解釋一下！”

“哦，”納斯瑞丁說：“我田里的一個角落里有一塊石頭。我年青時常常使勁把它挪走，但是我挪不動它，因為我只有那點力氣。現在我老了，當我使勁把它挪走時，我還是挪不動它。”

When Nasreddin's first wife died, he married again.His second wife was much younger than he was and they often quarrelled.One evening when Nasreddin came home very late, his wife said to him, 'I cooked your dinner two hours ago.It is quite spoiled now.' She was so angry that she gave him a push, and as she was strong, and he was old and weak, he fell down the stairs.One of Nasreddin's neighbours, who was always eager to know what was happening in everybody else's house, was listening, and when she heard the noise that Nasreddin made when he fell down the stairs, she came to his front door and knocked.'What has happened?' she said.'My coat fell down the stairs,' he answered.'But a coat would not make so much noise!' the neighbour said.'Of course it would,' answered Nasreddin, 'if I was inside it!' 1.What happened when Nasreddin's first wife died?

2.What was his second wife like?

3.What did he and his second wife often do?

4.What did Nasreddin do one night?

5.What did his wife say?

6.How did she feel? 外語下載中心http://down.tingroom.com

7.What did she do?

8.What happened then?

9.Why was she able to push him over?

10.Who was listening?

11.Why was she listening?

12.What did she do?

13.When did she do this?

14.What did she say?

15.What did Nasreddin answer?

16.What did the woman say then?

17.What was Nasreddin's answer?

納斯瑞丁的第一個妻子死后，他又娶了一個。他的第二個妻子比他年輕得多，他們常常爭吵。一天傍晚，納斯瑞丁回家很遲，他妻子就對他說：“兩小時前我就給你做好了晚餐，現在都放壞了。”她很生氣，所以推了納斯瑞丁一下。她很強壯，而納斯瑞丁卻又老又弱，所以他就從樓梯上摔了下來。

納斯瑞丁有一位鄰居，她總是熱衷于打聽別人家里發生的事，這時她正聽著。當她聽到納斯瑞丁從樓梯摔下的聲音后，她就來納斯瑞丁的前門敲門。

“出了什么事了？”她說。

“我的衣服從樓梯上掉下去了。”他回答。

“一件衣服會發出這么大的聲音嗎！”這位鄰居說。

“當然會，”納斯瑞丁回答說：“如果我在衣服里面的話！”

One of Nasreddin's rich neighbours gave a big party one evening, but he forgot to invite him.Nasreddin waited and waited, but no invitation came, so at last, when the party had already begun, he 外語下載中心http://down.tingroom.com

took a piece of paper, folded it, put it in an envelope and took it to his neighbour's house.'I have a very important letter for the host,' he said to the servants at the door.The servants took him into the big room where everybody was eating, Nasreddin gave the letter to his rich neighbour and at once sat down and began to fill his mouth with food.The host looked at the envelope, but there was nothing on it, so he said, 'Are you sure that this letter is for me? There is no address on it.'

'Oh, yes,' said Nasreddin, 'and there is no writing inside it either because it was prepared in a hurry.' 1.What happened one evening?

2.What did the man forget to do?

3.What did Nasreddin do at first?

4.What did he do then?

5.What did he say?

6.Whom did he say this to?

7.What did the servants do?

8.What was everybody doing?

9.What did Nasreddin do?

10.What did he do then?

11.What did the host do?

12.What was there on the envelope?

13.What did the host say to Nasreddin?

14.What did Nasreddin answer?

一天傍晚，納斯瑞丁的一位富有的鄰居舉行了一個盛大的晚會，但他忘記邀請納斯瑞丁了。納斯瑞丁等了又等，但仍然沒有人來請他，最后，外語下載中心http://down.tingroom.com

當宴會早已開始后，他拿出一張紙，疊好后裝在信封里，帶著它到鄰居家里去了。

“我有一封很重要的信要給主人，”他對門口的侍者們說。侍者們領他到大廳里，大家正吃著，納斯瑞丁將信交給他這位富有的鄰居，然后馬上坐下，將食品塞滿嘴里。

主人看著信封，可是上面一個字也沒有，于是他問：“你肯定這封信是給我的嗎？上面連地址都沒有。”

“噢，是的，”納斯瑞丁說：“并且信里也什么都沒有寫，因為信是在匆忙中準備的。”

A rich man and his wife went into a shop to buy a bracelet.Neither of them was very young.They looked at a lot of beautiful bracelets, and after half an hour there were two which they liked very much, but they had not yet been able to choose between them.One of them was very expensive, and the other was quite a lot cheaper.Of course, the shopkeeper wanted to sell them the more expensive one, because then he would get more money from them, so he said to the lady, 'Oh, go on.Spend his money.If you don't, he will only spend it on his second wife.'

For several seconds nobody said a word, and then lady said angrily, 'I am his second wife!' 1.Who went into the shop in this story?

2.Why did they go in there?

3.What happened after half an hour?

4.What were the two bracelets like?

5.What did the shopkeeper want?

6.How old were they?

7.What did they do in the shop?

8.Why did he want this? 外語下載中心http://down.tingroom.com

9.What did he say to the lady?

10.Did she answer at once?

11.What did she say?

12.How did she feel?

一位富翁和他的太太到商店里去買手鐲。他們倆都不年輕了。他們看了很多漂亮的手鐲，隔了半小時，他們選中了兩只最喜歡的，但他們卻難以在二者之間再作出選擇。二者之中有一只很昂貴，另一只卻便宜得多。

店主當然想把貴的一只賣給他們，因為這樣他就可以賺他們更多的錢，于是他就對那位太太說：“好吧，買這只吧，花掉他的錢。如果你不花，他就會把錢都花在他的第二位太太身上。”

好幾分鐘過去了，誰都沒有開口，終于那位太太憤怒地開口說：“我就是他的第二位太太！”

Mrs.Evans went to a large local cinema one summer afternoon.Half-way through the wonderful film there was the usual interval, so that people could buy sweets, chocolates and ice-cream.Mrs.Evans rarely bought anything in the cinema, but this time she was feeling hot, so she thought, 'I'll have an ice-cream to cool me.I certainly need it.' Quite a lot of the audience were waiting to buy ice-creams from the girl who was selling them, so Mrs.Evans waited for her turn.There was a small boy in front of her.When it was his turn, he offered the girl ten pence and asked for an ice-cream, but they cost twenty pence, so the girl said, 'I want another ten pence, please.'

The small boy put the coin back in his pocket, put his hand in another pocket, took out another ten pence coin and offered that to the girl.Mrs.Evans was so amused that she paid the other ten pence herself.A.Answer these questions.外語下載中心http://down.tingroom.com

1.Why did Mrs.Evans decide to have an ice-cream ii the cinema?

2.Why did :she have to wait before she could buy it?

3.Why did the girl ask the small bay for more money?

4.What did the boy do then?

5.Why did Mrs.Evans help him?

B.Which words in the story mean:

1.big

2.make less hot

3.not at all frequently

4.people in a theatre or cinema

5.should be able to

C.Write this story.Put one word in each empty space.You will find all the correct words in the story.A man was boasting to a stranger about the beer in his town.'Why is it so...?' the stranger asked.'Is it stronger than the...beer?'

'It...is!' said the...man.'I've...found a stronger one.A friend of mine was at a cinema, and...through the film, during the..., he went to the bar and had a few glasses of it to...himself, because he felt hot.Then he went into the cinema again.'

'Well, and what's so wonderful about that?, asked the stranger, putting a...down as a tip for the barman.'When he went in again, he found that there was a different film and a different..., and when he asked one of them, he discovered that it was the next night!'

一個夏天的下午，埃文斯太太到當地的一所大電影院去看電影。精采的電影放到一半時，通常總有一個中間休息，使大家在這時能買些糖果、巧克力和冰淇淋。外語下載中心http://down.tingroom.com

埃文斯太太在電影院里很少買東西吃，但這次她感到很熱，所以她想：“我得吃塊冰淇淋涼快涼快，我確實需要吃冰淇淋。”很多觀眾都等著從一個賣冰淇淋的姑娘那里購買，所以埃文斯太太排隊等著。

有一個小男孩排在她的前面。當輪到這個男孩買時，他給姑娘10個便士要買一塊冰淇淋，但冰淇淋要20個便士，所以這姑娘就說“請給我另外的10個便士。”

這個小男孩把那個硬幣放回口袋，把手伸入另外一個口袋，拿出另一個10便士的硬幣，交給了那個姑娘。

埃文斯太太被逗樂了，結果她付了那另外的10個便士。

Timothy was ten years old.He was not a very good pupil, and he did not like having to do homework, because he preferred to do other things in his free time.Frequently he did not do his homework, and when he did do it, he always made a lot of mistakes.Then one day, his mathematics teacher looked at Timothy's homework and saw that he had got all his sums right.He was very pleasedand rather surprised.He called Timothy to his desk and said to him, 'You got all your home-work right this time, Timothy.What happened? Did your father help you?'

Usually Timothy's father did help him with his home-work, but the evening before this, he had not been able to, because he had not been at home, so Timothy answered, 'No, sir.He was busy last night, so I had to do it all myself.'

A.Answer these questions，1.What kind of homework did Timothy's teachers expect to see from him?

2.Why was one of his teachers surprised one day?

3.What did he think had happened?

4.Did Timothy usually do his homework alone?

5.When Timothy's father helped him with his homework, did he get all of it right? 外語下載中心http://down.tingroom.com

B.Opposites.Write these sentences.Put one word In each empty space.1.Timothy isn't free this evening: he is....He is doing his homework.2.Timothy didn't get his sums right frequently.He got them right very....3.Timothy was an honest boy.He was never....4.Timothy's teacher didn't think it was possible that he had done his homework without

help.He thought it was....5.Timothy wasn't ashamed of his homework that day: he was...of it.蒂莫西10歲了。他不是個很好的學生，而且不喜歡做該做的家庭作業，因為他在課外時間里更喜歡去干些不相干的事。他經常不完成家庭作業，而且，就算他做了，也總是錯誤百出。

后來有一天，蒂莫西的數學老師批閱他的家庭作業時，發現他的答案全都算對了。老師十分高興，而且頗為吃驚。他把蒂莫西叫到他的桌子旁并對他說：“這次你的家庭作業全做對了，蒂莫西。怎么回事？是你爸爸幫你做的嗎？”

以往蒂莫西的爸爸的確是常常幫他做家庭作業，但那天的前一個晚上，他爸爸因為不在家，沒能幫他做，所以蒂莫西回答說：“不是，先生。他昨天晚上很忙，所以我只好全部自己動手做了。”

A man met a friend in the street and asked him to lend him five pounds.The friend did so willingly，A week later they met again.'You've lent me￡5.Lend me another;￡5, and then I'll owe you￡10,' the friend said.The man did so，A few days later they met again, and the friend said, 'You lent me￡10.Lend me another;￡10, and then I'll owe you;￡20.' The man did this, although he was rather doubtful about doing it.Two weeks later the friend asked for more money.'You've already lent me￡20.Can you make it￡50?' he said.The man did not answer for a few seconds, but he was unable to refuse.外語下載中心http://down.tingroom.com

A month later, the two men met again.'You've lent me￡50_,'began the friend.'Who? Me?' answered the man anxiously.'I disagree!I've never lent you any money!'

A.Answer these questions.1.How did the man feel when his friend asked him for the first five pounds?

2.How did he feel when his friend asked him for the second ten pounds?.Why did he then lend him thirty more pounds?

4.Why did he say finally that he had never lent his friend any money?

5.How many times did the man lend his friend money;and how much did he lend him each time?

B.Opposites.What words in the story mean the opposite of:

1.accept

2.agree

3.calmly

4.certain

5.unwillingly

C.Write this story.Put one of these words or no word at an, in each empty space:

It net so

A: 'Can you lend me ten pounds, George?'

B: 'I think....Can I have it back on Friday?，A: 'I doubt....Won't next Sunday be all right?'

B: 'I'm afraid....I need it for Saturday., 外語下載中心http://down.tingroom.com

A: 'I see....I was afraid....Everybody needs money on Saturday.'

B: 'I agree....You see, my wife

A: 'You don't, have to explain....I understand....'

B: 'I hope....When I have to refuse a.friend, I don't like

一個男人在街上遇到了一個朋友，就向他借5英鎊錢。這個朋友樂意地借給了他。

一星期后他們又碰到了一起。“你已經借給我5鎊了，再借給我5鎊，這樣我就欠你10鎊了，”借錢的朋友說。那個男人借給他了。

幾天以后他們又相見了，那個借錢的朋友說：“你借給了我10鎊，再借給我10鎊，那么我就欠你20鎊了。”那個男人就借給了他，盡管他很懷疑該不該這么做。

兩星期后借錢的朋友又要借更多的錢。“你已經借給我20鎊了，你可以湊成50鎊嗎？”他說。

那個男人好幾分鐘答不上話，但他難以拒絕。

一個月以后，這兩人又相遇了。“你已經借給我50鎊了??，”那個借錢的朋友又開口了。

“誰？我嗎？”那個男人急忙地回答說：“我沒這事！我從沒有借給你一分錢！”

41.You Let Me Search Quite

Once upon a time, there was a man who always forgot things.One day, he went out with his little son.He was so happy that he put the son ride his neck.外語下載中心http://down.tingroom.com

After a time, he suddenly thought of his son, he asked people: “Have you seen my child?”

One of his villagers laughed and said: “Don't you know he is on your neck?”

Hearing this, the man took down his son from his neck, he was so angry that he hit the son on the face, then shouted: “I have told you not to go here and there.Where did you go just now?” Notes:

(1)think of想起

(2)hearing this聽到這話。這是個分詞短語，相當于一個表示時間的狀語從句，即：When he heard this.Exercises: 根據短文填空：

① Once ______ a time, there was a man who always forgot things.② He was so happy that he put the son ______ his neck.③ After _______ time, he suddenly thought of his son.④ _______ this, the man took down his son from his neck.⑤ He was so angry that he hit the son _______ the face.41.叫我好找

古時，有個人記性極差。一天，他帶著小兒子出去玩。一高興，便把小兒子舉起來，讓他騎在自己的脖子上。

過了一會兒，他忽然想起兒子來，逢人便問：“你看到我孩子了嗎？”

“哎，你脖子上的那個不是嗎？”有個鄰居見了大笑。

這個人一把將小兒子從脖子上揪下來，狠狠地打了一耳光，罵道：“混蛋，叫你別亂跑，剛才你到哪里去了？”

第四篇：英語幽默故事

英語幽默經典故事

（一）An old man lived alone in northern ireland.His only son was in prison.The old man wanted to plant some potatoes in his garden but he didn't know anyone who would help him plow up the garden.He wrote to his son about it, and received this reply, “for heavens sake, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the guns!”

At 4 am the next morning, a dozen british soldiers showed up and dug up the entire garden, but didn't find any guns.Confused, the man wrote to his son telling him what happened and asking him what to do next.His son's reply was: “just plant your potatoes.” 詞匯：

alone

northern Ireland prison garden plow

receive reply heavens sake dig

bury gun

dozen British soldier entire

confused Happen

短語： 譯文：

一個老人獨居在北愛爾蘭，他的獨生子正在坐牢。老人想在花園里種些土豆，但不知道誰可以幫忙把泥土翻松。他寫信想兒子提及此事，兒子回信說道：“看在上帝的面上，千萬不要翻松花園的泥土，我把槍埋在那兒了。”

第二天凌晨4點，一隊英國士兵出現在老人家中，在花園把土地翻遍，但并沒有找到任何槍支。”

老人寫信告訴兒子這件奇怪的事情，問到底發生了什么事情，下一步應該怎么做。

兒子回信道：“你只管種土豆好了。”

（二）One day a little girl came home from school, and said to her mother, “mom, today in school I was punished for something that I didn't do.”

The mother exclaimed, “but that's terrible!I'm going to have a talk with your teacher about this!By the way, what was it that you didn't do?”

The little girl replied, “my homework.” 譯文：

一天，小女孩從學校回到家里，對媽媽說：“媽媽，今天在學校里我因為一件我沒有做的事情而受到懲罰。”

媽媽激動地說：“那真是太可怕了！我要跟你的老師好好談一談，對了，你沒有做過的那件事是什么？”

小女孩回答說：“我的家庭作業。”

（三）Where Am I 我在哪兒

An Englishman lost his way while he was driving in the countryside.He saw a farmer working in the field nearby, so he went nearer in his car and asked the farmer, “Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?” “Yes, ” the farmer looked at him strangely and said, “you are in your car, sir.” 譯文：

一個英國人在鄉下開車時迷了路，他看見一個農民正在附近的地里干活。于是他就把車開過去問那位農民：“勞駕，您能告訴我我現在這是在哪兒嗎?” “可以。”農夫奇怪地看了看他，然后說道：“你現在在你的車子里，先生。”

（四）New Discovery

A farmer was visiting the big city for the first time.Entering an office building, he saw a pudgy older woman step into a small room.The doors closed, lights flashed, and after a while the door slid open and a beautiful young model stepped off the elevator.Blinking in amazement, the hillbilly drawled, “I should have brought my wife!”

譯文：

新發現

一個農民第一次到大城市游逛。他走進一座大樓，看見一個歲數很大的矮胖女人邁進一個小房間。房間的門隨后關上，有幾個燈在閃亮。一會兒，門開了，電梯里走出一位年輕漂亮的女模特。

這個農民驚奇地眨著眼睛，慢吞吞地說：“我應該把我的老婆帶來!”

（五）A Mistake

An Amercian, a Scot and a Canadian were killed in a car accident.They arrived at the gates of heaven, where a flustered St.Peterexplained that there had been a mistake.“Give me $500 each,” he said, “and I'll return you to earth as if the whole thing never happened.”

“Done!” said the American.Instantly, he found himself standing unhurt near the scene.“Where are the others?” asked a medic.“Last I knew,” said the American, “the Scot was huggling price, and the Canadian was arguing that his government should pay.”

譯文：

搞錯了

一位美國人，一位英格蘭人和一位加拿大人在一場車禍中喪生。他們到達天堂的門口。在那里，醉醺醺的圣彼德解釋說是搞錯了。“每人給我五百美元，”他說，“我將把你們送回人間，就象什么都沒有發生過一樣。”

“成交!”美國人說。立刻，他發現自己毫不損傷地站在現場附近。

“其他人在哪兒？”一名醫生問道。

“我離開之前，”那名美國人說，“我看見英格蘭人正在砍價，而那名加拿大人正在分辯說應該由他的政府來出這筆錢。”

（六）A Soldier's Brilliant Idea

Mr.Robinson had to travel somewhere on business, and as he was in a hurry, he decided to go by air.He liked sitting beside a window when he was flying, so when he got on to the plane, he looked for a window seat.He found all of them had already had been taken except for one.There was a soldier sitting in the seat beside this one, and Mr.Robinson was surprised that he had not taken the one by the window;but, anyhow, he at once went towards it.When he reached it, however, he saw that there was a notice on it.It was written in ink and said, “This seat is preserved for proper load balance, thank you.” Mr Robinson had never seen such an unusual notice in a plane before, but he thought that the plane must be carrying something particularly heavy in it, so he walked on and found another empty seat, not beside a window, to sit in.Two or three people tried to sit in the window seat beside the soldier, but they too read the notice and went on, when the plane was nearly full, a very beautiful girl hurried into the plane.The soldier, who was watching the passengers coming in, quickly took the notice off the seat beside himself and in this way succeededin having the company of the girl during the whole trip.譯文：

士兵的高招

由于生意方面的事，羅賓遜先生得出趟門。因為有點緊急，他決定坐飛機。乘機旅行時，他喜歡靠窗坐，故而一登機，他就尋找一個靠窗的座位。他發現只有一個靠窗的座位還空著。在那空座位邊坐著一名士兵。令羅賓遜先生納悶的是，這位士兵沒有坐靠窗的位置。羅賓遜先生不管那些，他馬上徑直朝那個空座位走去。

然而，等到了那兒，他看見座位上有則啟事，是用鋼筆寫的：“為保持裝載平衡，特預設該位置，謝謝合作。”羅賓遜先生還從來沒有在飛機上見過如此不同尋常的啟事。不過，他想飛機上一定裝了什么特別重的物品，于是他找了個不靠窗的位置。

又有兩三個乘客試圖坐在那個士兵旁的靠窗座位上，他們看到那則啟事就走開了。當快滿座時，一位非常美麗的姑娘匆匆走進機艙。一直在注意進艙旅客的那個士兵趕緊拿掉他旁邊空座位上的啟事。士兵用這種辦法，成功地找到了一位姑娘一路作伴。

（七）Keys? Kiss?

A friend of mine was giving an English lesson to a class of adult who had recently come to live in the United States.After placing quite a number of everyday objects on a table, he asked various members of the class to give him the ruler, the book, the pen and so on.The class went very smoothly and the students seemed interested and serious about the work that they were engaged in until when my friend turned to an Italian student and said, “Give me the kays.” The man looked surprised and somewhat at a loss.Seeing this, my friend thought that the student hadn't heard him clearly, so he repeated.“Give me the kays.” The Italian shrugged his shoulders.Then, he threw his arms around the teacher's neck and kissed him on both cheeks.譯文：

鑰匙還是接吻

我的一位朋友在給一個成人學生班級上英語課。他們都是新近來美國生活的。在一張桌子上擺了許多日常用品之后，他請全班同學給他挑出尺子，書本，鋼筆等。課進行得井然有序，學生們對自己所做的似乎很感興趣，也很認真。后來輪到一名來自意大利的學生，我的朋友說：“給我鑰匙。”那人看起來非常吃驚，也有點手足無措。看到這種情況，我的朋友想是他沒有聽清楚，于是又重復了一遍：“給我鑰匙。”那位意大利學生聳了聳肩。接著，他伸出胳膊摟住老師的脖子在雙頰上親了兩下。

（八）First Flight Mr.Johnson had never been up in an aerophane before and he had read a lot about air accidents, so one day when a friend offered to take him for a ride in his own small phane, Mr.Johnson was very worried about accepting.Finally, however, his friend persuaded him that it was very safe, and Mr.Johnson boarded the plane.His friend started the engine and began to taxi onto the runway of the airport.Mr.Johnson had heard that the most dangerous part of a flight were the take-off and the landing, so he was extremely frightened and closed his eyes.After a minute or two he opened them again, looked out of the window of the plane, and said to his friend, “Look at those people down there.They look as small as ants, don't they?”

“Those are ants,” answered his friend.“We're still on the ground.”

譯文：

第一次坐飛機

約翰遜先生從前未乘過飛機，他讀過許多關于飛行事故的報道。所以，有一天一位朋友邀請他乘自己的小飛機飛行時，約翰遜先生非常擔心，不敢接受。不過，由于朋友不斷保證說飛行是很安全的，約翰遜先生終于被說服了，登上了飛機。

他的朋友啟動引擎開始在機場跑道上滑行。約翰遜先生聽說飛行中最危險的是起飛與降落，所以他嚇得緊閉雙眼。

過了一兩分鐘，他睜開雙眼朝窗外望去，接著對朋友說道：“看下面那些人，他們看起來就象螞蟻一樣小，是不是？”

“那些就是螞蟻，”他的朋友答道，“我們還在地面上。”

第五篇：英語幽默故事

英語幽默故事A film crew was on location deep in the desert.One day an old Indian went up to the director and said, “It will rain tomorrow.” The next day it rained.一個電影攝制組在沙漠深處進行拍攝。一天，一個印度老人來到導演面前對他說：“明天會下雨。”第二天果然下雨了。

A week later, the Indian went up to the director again and said, “There will be a storm tomorrow.” The next day there was a storm.一周以后，印度人又來了，他告訴導演說：“明天會有暴風雨。”果然，第二天有暴風雨。

“This Indian is incredible,” said the director.He told his secretary to hire the Indian to predict the weather.“這個印度人真神，”導演說。他告訴他的秘書去雇傭這個印度人來預測天氣。

However, after several successful predictions, the old Indian didn't show up for two weeks.然而，幾次預測天氣成功之后，這個印度人連續兩周沒有露面。

Finally the director sent for him.“I have to shoot an important scene tomorrow,” said the director.“And I'm depending on you.What will the weather be like?” 最后，導演派人把這個印度人請來了。導演對他說：“我明天必須拍攝一個很重要的場景，全都指望你了，明天天氣如何啊？” The Indian shrugged his shoulders.“I don't know,” he said.“My radio is broken.” 這個印度人聳了聳肩說道：“我不知道，我的收音機壞了。” 2 Chief is at the wedding 長官在婚禮上

A police stopped a motorist who was speeding on the street.大街上的一個超速駕駛者被警察攔住了。“But officer,” the man said, “I can explain.” “但是警官”這個人說道，“我可以解釋的”。

“Just be quiet,” snapped the officer.“I'm going to put you in jail until the chief gets back.” “保持安靜”，警察突然說道。“我將把你送往監獄，直到長官回來。

“But ,officer, I ….” “但是，警察，我，，”。

“I said to keep quiet!You are going to jail!” “我說過了保持安靜，你要到監獄了。”

A few hours later, the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, “You are lucky because the chief is at his daughter's wedding.He'll be in a good mood when he gets back.” 幾小時后，警察向監獄里看了看說道“算你運氣好，因為我們的長官正在他女兒的婚禮上。他會帶著一個愉快的心情回來的。” “Are you sure?” answered the man in the cell.“I'm the groom.” “你確定”在牢房里的這個人說道。“我就是新郎呀”。

1.stop

stop to do sth 是停下手上的事去做另一件事 stop doing sth 是停止手上正在做的事

2.speeding n.超速行駛

speeding在這里作名詞使用，表示超速行駛，也可以作speed現在分詞，表示加速。eg：So where you headed? Was I speeding too? 你要去哪里？我有超速嗎？ 3

Each Sunday the minister called the children to the front of the church while he told them a story.Once he brought a telephone to better illustrate the idea of prayer.“You talk to people on the telephone and don't see them on the other end of the line, right?” he began.The children nodded yes.“Well, talking to God is like talking on the telephone.He's on the other end, but you can't see him.He is listening though.”

Just then a little boy piped up and asked, “What's his number?”

在電話中交談

每個星期天牧師都會把孩子們叫到教堂前面，然后給他們講一個故事。一天，他為了更好地闡述祈禱的含義，帶來了一臺電話機。

“你們和別人在電話里交談，并沒有看到電話線另一端的人，對嗎？”他開始問道。孩子們點頭稱是。“好的，和上帝交談就象通過電話交談一樣。他就在另一端，雖然你看不見他，但是他正在聆聽你的心聲。”

就在這時，一個小男孩尖著嗓子問道：“那他的電話號碼是什么？” 3

She'd rather buy a gift

While on a trip, Mom realized that she had forgotten a present for Dad's birthday.“That's okay,” he said, “The only thing I want is for you to love, honor and obey.” Mom pondered that idea and then replied “I'd rather buy you a gift.”

她寧愿買一件禮物

旅途中，媽媽想起她忘記給爸爸買一件生日禮物。“沒關系，”他說，“我最想要的東西是你的愛、忠貞和溫順。”媽媽沉思片刻后回答說，“我寧愿給你買一件禮物。” 4 Honey, said the husband to his wife, I invited a friend home for supper.What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I haven't been shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!

I know all that.Then why did you invite a friend for supper?

Because the poor fool's thinking about getting married.親愛的，丈夫對妻子說：我邀請了一位朋友回家吃晚飯。

什么？你瘋了嗎？我們的房子亂糟糟的，我很久沒有買過東西回來了，所有的碗碟都是臟的，還有，我可不想做一餐累死人的晚飯。

這些我全都知道。

那你為什么還要邀請朋友回來吃晚飯？

因為那個可憐的笨蛋正考慮要結婚呢。5 DID YOUR DAD HELP YOU?

One day, Tim's mathematics teacher looked at his homework and saw that he had got all his sums right.The teacher was very pleased-and rather surprised.He called Tim to his desk and said to him, You got all your homework right this time, Tim.What happened? Did your father help you?

No, sir.He was too busy last night, so I had to do it all myself, said Tim.你爸爸幫你了嗎？

一天，蒂姆的數學老師看了他的作業，發現他全做對了。老師很高興，同時也十分驚訝。他把蒂姆叫到桌前說：蒂姆，你這次的作業全都做對了，怎么回事？你爸爸幫你做了嗎？ 不，先生，我爸爸昨天很忙，我不得不全由自己做了。