第一篇：幽默小故事

一天上課，同桌偷偷玩手機(jī)，正好被在教室外面巡視的班主任發(fā)現(xiàn)。班主任掏出自己的手機(jī)，發(fā)了條信息：你怎么不認(rèn)真聽(tīng)課？同桌疑惑地回復(fù)道：你是誰(shuí)？班主任又發(fā)了一條：你看窗外。同桌看了一眼窗外回復(fù)：多謝提醒，等會(huì)兒聊，我們班主任在窗外盯著呢！今天去超市買(mǎi)速凍餃子，促銷(xiāo)mm熱情招呼我，還拉扯我過(guò)去：嘗嘗吧，嘗嘗吧！唉，盛情難卻啊，吃了一個(gè)，咀嚼時(shí)促銷(xiāo)mm一直盯著我，待我吃完，她認(rèn)真地問(wèn)：熟了么？熟了我就撈起來(lái)了-----我肋了個(gè)去的！昨天去哥哥家，看到一向脾氣很好的嫂子暴揍4歲的小侄子，一問(wèn)真相我笑瘋了。嫂子提前回家，看到令人抓狂的一幕：小侄子在客廳拉了一泡便便，然后一勺一勺的喂給狗狗吃，已經(jīng)持續(xù)一個(gè)多月了。而嫂子每天下班回家第一件事情就是抱起小狗親一親。4 小明買(mǎi)了一部山寨手機(jī)，向同事炫耀其超長(zhǎng)待機(jī)一百天，結(jié)果一天就沒(méi)電了，小明跑去找店員理論，電源指著手機(jī)盒子，上面寫(xiě)的是：超長(zhǎng)待機(jī)一白天！即將去世的祖母顫顫巍巍地把孫女叫到跟前：“我??要把我的農(nóng)場(chǎng)留給你??那里有一幢別墅，一輛拖拉機(jī)和其他設(shè)備??還有兩千兩百三十九萬(wàn)八千七百五十的現(xiàn)金??”眼看要一夜暴富，孫女感動(dòng)得都快哭了：“天哪，奶奶，您太慷慨了??我都不知道您有個(gè)農(nóng)場(chǎng)！它在哪兒呢？”祖母用她的最后一口氣悄聲道：“QQ農(nóng)場(chǎng)??” 6 兩人吃飯，桌上放著一碗芥末。其中一個(gè)認(rèn)為是甜的，舀了滿滿一勺放進(jìn)嘴里，立即淚如泉涌。不過(guò)他緊閉嘴巴沒(méi)說(shuō)一句話。朋友問(wèn)怎么了。他說(shuō)：想我爹了，20年前的今天他上吊了。朋友安慰了他。也舀了滿滿一勺放進(jìn)嘴里，驟然淚如雨下。第一位佯裝地問(wèn)：你怎么也哭了？朋友說(shuō)：你爹死的好慘啊。朋友張三考過(guò)駕照就買(mǎi)了車(chē)，為了防止汽車(chē)追尾，他在車(chē)后貼了一張“我害羞，請(qǐng)勿吻我”的紙條。可一上路，就被其他車(chē)子吻上了，他氣憤地向人家要1000元的修理費(fèi)。肇事司機(jī)驚訝地說(shuō)：“擦掉這點(diǎn)油漆，就要1000元，你也太獅子大開(kāi)口了吧？”張三指著后備箱上的紙條說(shuō)：“你還嫌貴？這可是初吻，夠便宜你的了。” 有天和老婆出門(mén)，她在地鐵里累了就雙手掛我脖子上休息。忽然間手機(jī)響了，老婆順手搶過(guò)來(lái)一看。短信上寫(xiě)著：“報(bào)告大哥！在地鐵發(fā)現(xiàn)嫂子，和一個(gè)穿得很委瑣的傻X男人抱在一起！怎么辦？” 記得小時(shí)候，我胳膊出了名的肌肉發(fā)達(dá)。上音樂(lè)課，女同桌從桌子下面摸了摸我的胳膊說(shuō)：“怎么是軟的啊！” 于是，我把胳膊繃緊說(shuō)：“現(xiàn)在硬了”然后抬頭看見(jiàn)音樂(lè)老師的神情已經(jīng)不能形容了。當(dāng)時(shí)我不懂為什么，現(xiàn)在我懂了....10 記者采訪一位老奶奶！記者問(wèn)：“你對(duì)在城市隨便燃放鞭炮這個(gè)問(wèn)題您怎么看啊？”

老奶奶：“我還能怎么看啊？就是爬窗戶上看??” 現(xiàn)在的學(xué)生真是了不得！兒子才上小學(xué)三年級(jí)，就在網(wǎng)上建立了班級(jí)QQ群。那天，我問(wèn)兒子：“你們?cè)赒Q上都干些什么？”

老公接口道：“瞧你問(wèn)的，不是聊天，就是玩游戲啊！”

兒子一急，就說(shuō)露餡了：“我們主要是用來(lái)公布作業(yè)答案的??”

一天，小美和她男友開(kāi)車(chē)出去兜風(fēng)，車(chē)快沒(méi)油了，剛好旁邊有個(gè)加油站，開(kāi)過(guò)去的時(shí)候，突然一陣狂風(fēng)把她男友的帽子刮跑了。小美的男友對(duì)她說(shuō)： “我去撿帽子，你幫我加油。” 男友剛跑開(kāi)不遠(yuǎn)，就聽(tīng)到小美在他后面大喊： “加油！加油！” 13 今天早上我在校園走著，過(guò)來(lái)了一個(gè)女生問(wèn)我，你愿意當(dāng)我男朋友嗎？哥愣住了。哥自認(rèn)為長(zhǎng)得還不夠女人這么直接的。考慮到女孩的自尊心，我鄭重的說(shuō)：“我愿意”。這時(shí)女孩拿起手里的手機(jī)吼到，聽(tīng)到?jīng)]？老娘不是沒(méi)人要！兩個(gè)小朋友在聊天。

一個(gè)問(wèn)：“昨天晚上你爸爸和媽媽為什么都打你？”

另一個(gè)答：“哼，都怪我說(shuō)話不小心。”

“你說(shuō)錯(cuò)什么了？”

“他倆問(wèn)我是爺爺好，還是外公好？我說(shuō)，是騾子是馬拉出來(lái)溜溜就知道了。” 15 同學(xué)陪我看病，從醫(yī)院出來(lái)，我說(shuō)：“吃藥萬(wàn)一吃出毛病怎么辦？”同學(xué)說(shuō)：“只要是按照要求吃的，吃出毛病就告他們。”我問(wèn)：“萬(wàn)一吃死了怎么辦？”同學(xué)：“要是死了，你就由人證變成物證了！”

第二篇：幽默小故事

經(jīng)典幽默小故事

坐錯(cuò)地方

一位婦人在公園的長(zhǎng)椅上坐下，她看四周無(wú)人，便把腿伸直躺在椅子上。過(guò)了一會(huì)兒，一個(gè)乞丐走到她面前說(shuō)道：“相好的，一起散散步如何？” “你好大的膽子，”婦人說(shuō)：“我可不是那種勾三搭四的女人！” “那么，”乞丐又說(shuō)，“你在我床上干什么？”

趙錢(qián)孫李

從前，有一位私塾先生，教了十幾個(gè)小學(xué)生，其中有一個(gè)是財(cái)主的兒子，讀的是《百家姓》，但他總是讀不會(huì)。有一天，先生氣急了，說(shuō)道：“趙錢(qián)孫李這么簡(jiǎn)單的話你都記不住，真沒(méi)用，我再來(lái)開(kāi)導(dǎo)開(kāi)導(dǎo)你。你不是姓趙嗎？你們家不是很有錢(qián)嗎？你的兒子的兒子不就是你的孫子嗎？我的名字叫李萬(wàn)年。這樣詳詳細(xì)細(xì)地解釋給你聽(tīng)，你如果還記不住，真是該打手心！”第二天，這個(gè)學(xué)生朗朗背誦道：“我姓趙，我有錢(qián)，我的孫子李萬(wàn)年。”同學(xué)們聽(tīng)了，哈哈大笑。

到了哪一頭

小伙子當(dāng)恩在街上突然碰到幾個(gè)月前給他主持婚禮儀式的牧師。

當(dāng)恩問(wèn)牧師：“在舉行婚禮的時(shí)候，您不是代表上帝宣布：我和我妻子的一切煩惱都已經(jīng)到頭了嗎？可是現(xiàn)在我正煩惱得很哪！”

“對(duì)，我是這樣說(shuō)過(guò)。”牧師不慌不忙地回答，“煩惱有開(kāi)始的一頭，也有消失的一頭；當(dāng)時(shí)我可并沒(méi)有說(shuō)明您是到了哪一頭。”

彼此彼此

有個(gè)缺德鬼去給朋友拜年，在路上碰見(jiàn)了他的鄰居——一個(gè)聾子。他樂(lè)呵呵地拱手給聾子拜年：“恭喜你今年早死！”

聾子以為他說(shuō)的都是吉利話，便回拜說(shuō)：“你也一樣！你也一樣！”

哭與笑

有幾個(gè)人在野外拾到一個(gè)地理先生使用的羅盤(pán)，大家都不認(rèn)得，拿給毛拉看是件什么東西。毛拉先是嗚嗚地哭，接著又哈哈地大笑起來(lái)。弄得這幾個(gè)人迷惑不解地問(wèn)：“你又哭又笑的，到底是怎么回事？”

毛拉誠(chéng)懇地答道：“我開(kāi)始哭，是覺(jué)得你們太愚昧，連這么個(gè)小東西都不認(rèn)識(shí)；后來(lái)笑，是因?yàn)槲野l(fā)現(xiàn)自己也不認(rèn)得這東西。”

手套

中華民國(guó)時(shí)期有個(gè)染坊工人被法院傳票到法庭上作證，他舉手宣誓時(shí)，整個(gè)手黑得像墨一樣，法官見(jiàn)了，就高聲叫道：“你先脫掉手套，然后再宣誓。” 染坊工人認(rèn)真地說(shuō)：“請(qǐng)你戴上眼鏡，看清后再發(fā)言。”

主教落入陷阱

主教聽(tīng)別人說(shuō)，到紐約后很有可能被報(bào)界拖入預(yù)設(shè)的陷阱，所以要格外小心。在機(jī)場(chǎng)，有位記者一見(jiàn)面就問(wèn)他：“你想上夜總會(huì)嗎？”主教想岔開(kāi)這個(gè)問(wèn)題，就譏笑著反問(wèn)：“紐約有夜總會(huì)嗎？”真沒(méi)想到，他還是落入了陷阱。因?yàn)榈诙靾?bào)紙上報(bào)道這次會(huì)見(jiàn)的大標(biāo)題是：“主教走下飛機(jī)后的第一個(gè)問(wèn)題：?紐約有夜總會(huì)嗎?？”

一字之差

有一個(gè)教徒結(jié)了婚，她接到了朋友發(fā)來(lái)的賀電。電文原本是“約翰1—4—18”。朋友的意思是讓她查看《圣經(jīng)》中《約翰福音》一書(shū)，數(shù)字標(biāo)著的頁(yè)碼和行數(shù)原是一句祝賀與鼓勵(lì)的話：“愛(ài)里沒(méi)有懼怕，愛(ài)既完全，就把懼怕除去。”

不幸送來(lái)的電文漏掉了“1”字，只見(jiàn)電文上寫(xiě)著約翰“4—18”。新娘按電文原意一翻《約翰福音》第四章18節(jié)，只見(jiàn)那里寫(xiě)著：“你已經(jīng)有五個(gè)丈夫，你現(xiàn)在有的，并不是你的丈夫。”

損人損己

一位美貌溫柔的年輕姑娘獨(dú)自坐在酒吧里。從她的裝束便可以看出她一定出身豪門(mén)。這時(shí)，一位瀟灑英俊的青年男子向她走來(lái)，有禮貌地低聲問(wèn)：“這兒有人坐嗎？。” 她大聲說(shuō)：“到阿芙達(dá)旅館去？”

“不，不。你弄錯(cuò)了。”青年有幾分惶悚，急忙解釋說(shuō)：“我只是問(wèn)這兒有其他人坐嗎？” “您說(shuō)今夜就去？”她尖聲叫道，比剛才更激動(dòng)。

青年男子被她弄得狼狽極了，紅著臉兒到另一張桌子上去了。許多顧客憤慨而輕蔑地看著他。

過(guò)了一會(huì)，年輕姑娘又來(lái)到他的桌邊，給他叫了一杯白蘭地輕聲說(shuō)：“對(duì)不起，我只是想看看您對(duì)意外情況的反應(yīng)。”

青年本來(lái)氣就未消，見(jiàn)她這般言行，決心叫她也出一次丑，他大聲地說(shuō)：“什么？一次要一百美元嗎？”

這一次，窘迫輪給這位年輕的姑娘了。

想跳舞嗎

大半個(gè)晚上都沒(méi)有一個(gè)人邀請(qǐng)瑪麗小姐步入舞池，使她感到非常失望。這時(shí)一位英俊瀟灑的男士向她含笑走來(lái)，瑪麗急忙起身微笑相迎。“您想跳舞嗎？小姐？”那位男士問(wèn)道。“是的，謝謝你的邀請(qǐng)。” “正好，我可以坐你的位置了。” 黑暗中的一吻

火車(chē)進(jìn)入隧道，整個(gè)車(chē)廂里一片黑暗。只聽(tīng)一聲親吻，接著便是一記響亮的耳光。火車(chē)遲遲開(kāi)出隧道后，車(chē)廂內(nèi)四個(gè)素不相識(shí)的人都沒(méi)有吱聲，唯有德國(guó)軍官眼圈發(fā)青。中國(guó)老太太暗想：“這姑娘人美心靈更美。”姑娘想：“真奇怪，這德國(guó)人寧親老太婆不親我。”德國(guó)人想：“羅馬尼亞人真狡猾，他偷著親嘴，我暗里挨打。”羅馬尼亞人想：“我最聰明，我吻自己的手背，又打了德國(guó)人一個(gè)耳光，沒(méi)人發(fā)現(xiàn)。”

最值錢(qián)的東西

從前，有一個(gè)國(guó)王統(tǒng)率的軍隊(duì)包圍了一座城池。進(jìn)城之前，國(guó)王發(fā)布一條命令：城中的婦女皆可免于一死，明天天亮之前，可以攜帶自己最值錢(qián)的東西離開(kāi)城池，國(guó)王保證大家的安全。不久，只見(jiàn)全城婦女人人背上都背著

一個(gè)沉重的包袱，上氣不接下氣地走出城門(mén)，一個(gè)個(gè)累得滿頭大汗。原來(lái)她們身上背的包袱里，都是自己的丈夫。

美人效應(yīng)

羅馬一家自助餐廳的老板整天苦思冥想，終于想出一個(gè)賺別人小費(fèi)的妙計(jì)。他首先請(qǐng)來(lái)一位非常漂亮的姑娘，坐在柜臺(tái)旁邊收錢(qián)，以便使得男客們神魂顛倒，慷慨解囊。誰(shuí)料到姑娘上班沒(méi)幾天，就對(duì)老板說(shuō)：“我想，我不如以前那么漂亮了。” 老板急忙問(wèn)：“這是怎么回事呢？”

“現(xiàn)在，所有的男客都在柜臺(tái)邊反復(fù)地?cái)?shù)我找給他們的零錢(qián)。”

聰明的證據(jù)

19世紀(jì)時(shí)，西方一些科學(xué)家聲稱(chēng)找到了白種人比黃種人聰明的科學(xué)證據(jù)：“黃種人的頭發(fā)截面是圓的，而白種人的則是橢圓的，橢圓有兩個(gè)圓心，規(guī)畫(huà)更為不易，可見(jiàn)上帝是偏愛(ài)白種人的。”殊料，20世紀(jì)初，人類(lèi)學(xué)家在非洲某地區(qū)發(fā)現(xiàn)了一個(gè)黑人原始部落，他們的頭發(fā)與黃種人和白種人都不一樣，是扁的。

體檢

一位個(gè)頭很大的愛(ài)爾蘭青年信步走進(jìn)了一間辦公室，里面正在由軍醫(yī)進(jìn)行對(duì)警察候選人的體格檢查。

軍醫(yī)對(duì)他說(shuō)：“脫下衣服來(lái)。” “您說(shuō)什么，先生？” “把衣服脫光，快一點(diǎn)！”

青年人脫了衣服。軍醫(yī)給他量了胸圍，檢查了脊背后，命令：“跳過(guò)這根橫桿。” 青年人照著做了，結(jié)果動(dòng)作還好，但摔了個(gè)仰八叉。

“雙膝并攏，兩手觸地。”青年人按要求又做了，因失去平衡，跌倒在地上。待他爬起來(lái)，軍醫(yī)又命令：“在這冷水池里跳躍五分鐘。” “這太滑稽了。”青年人嘟囔著。

“現(xiàn)在繞著房子跑十圈，我要檢查你的心臟和呼吸。” 青年人終于氣惱地說(shuō)：“我不，我寧愿打一輩子光棍！” 軍醫(yī)一聽(tīng)，困惑地問(wèn)：“你這是什么意思？”

青年人說(shuō)：“是的，打光棍！辦個(gè)結(jié)婚手續(xù)哪來(lái)這么多的麻煩？”

第三篇：10則幽默小故事

10則幽默小故事

10則幽默小故事

1、小男孩問(wèn)爸爸：“是不是做父親的總比做兒子的知道得多？”爸爸回答：“當(dāng)然啦！”“電燈是誰(shuí)發(fā)明的？”“愛(ài)迪生。”“那愛(ài)迪生的爸爸怎么沒(méi)有發(fā)明電燈？”

啟示：權(quán)威往往只是一個(gè)經(jīng)不起考驗(yàn)的空殼子，尤其在現(xiàn)今這個(gè)多元開(kāi)放的時(shí)代。

2、晚飯后，母親和女兒一塊兒洗碗盤(pán)，父親和兒子在客廳看電視。突然，廚房里傳來(lái)打破盤(pán)子的響聲，然后一片沉寂。兒子望著父親說(shuō)道：“一定是媽媽打破的。”“你怎么知道？”“她沒(méi)有罵人。”

啟示：我們習(xí)慣以不同的標(biāo)準(zhǔn)來(lái)看人看己，以致往往是責(zé)人以嚴(yán)，待己以寬。

3、甲：“新搬來(lái)的鄰居好可惡，昨天晚上三更半夜跑來(lái)猛按我家的門(mén)鈴。”乙：“的確可惡！你有沒(méi)有馬上報(bào)警？”甲：“沒(méi)有。我當(dāng)他們是瘋子，繼續(xù)吹我的小喇叭。”

啟示：事出必有因，如果能先看到自己的不是，答案就會(huì)不一樣。

4、有兩個(gè)臺(tái)灣觀光團(tuán)到日本伊豆半島旅游，路況很壞，到處都是坑洞。一位導(dǎo)游連聲說(shuō)：“路面簡(jiǎn)直像麻子一樣。”而另一個(gè)導(dǎo)游卻詩(shī)意盎然地對(duì)游客說(shuō)：“我們現(xiàn)在走的正是赫赫有名的伊豆迷人酒窩大道。”

啟示：雖是同樣的情況，然而不同的意念，就會(huì)產(chǎn)生不同的態(tài)度。思想是何等奇妙的事，如何去想，決定權(quán)在你。

5、一把堅(jiān)實(shí)的大鎖掛在大門(mén)上，一根鐵桿費(fèi)了九牛二虎之力，還是無(wú)法將它撬開(kāi)。鑰匙來(lái)了，他瘦小的身子鉆進(jìn)鎖孔，只輕輕一轉(zhuǎn)，大鎖就“啪”地一聲打開(kāi)了。

啟示：每個(gè)人的心，都像上了鎖的大門(mén)，任你再粗的鐵棒也撬不開(kāi)。惟有關(guān)懷，才能把自己變成一把細(xì)膩的鑰匙，進(jìn)入別人的心中。

6、一輛載滿乘客的公共汽車(chē)沿著下坡路快速前進(jìn)著，有一個(gè)人在后面緊緊追趕著這輛車(chē)子。一個(gè)乘客從車(chē)窗中伸出頭來(lái)對(duì)追車(chē)子的人說(shuō)：“老兄！算啦，你追不上的！”“我必須追上它，”這人氣喘吁吁地說(shuō)：“我是這輛車(chē)的司機(jī)！”

啟示：有些人必須非常認(rèn)真努力，因?yàn)椴贿@樣的話，后果就十分悲慘了！然而，也正因?yàn)楸仨毴σ愿埃瑵撛诘谋灸芎筒粸槿酥奶刭|(zhì)終將充分展現(xiàn)出來(lái)。

7、張三在山間小路開(kāi)車(chē)，正當(dāng)他悠哉地欣賞美麗風(fēng)景時(shí)，突然，迎面開(kāi)來(lái)的貨車(chē)司機(jī)搖下窗戶，大喊一聲：“豬！”張三越想越氣，也搖下車(chē)窗大罵：“你才是豬！”剛罵完，他便迎頭撞上一群過(guò)馬路的豬。

啟示：不要錯(cuò)誤地詮釋別人的好意，那只會(huì)讓自己吃虧，并且使別人受辱。

8、父子二人看到一輛十分豪華的進(jìn)口轎車(chē)。兒子不屑地對(duì)他的父親說(shuō)：“坐這種車(chē)的人，肚子里一定沒(méi)有學(xué)問(wèn)！”父親則輕描淡寫(xiě)地回答：“說(shuō)這種話的人，口袋里一定沒(méi)有錢(qián)！”

啟示：你對(duì)事情的看法，是不是也反映出你內(nèi)心真正的態(tài)度？

9、小明洗澡時(shí)，不小心吞下了一小塊肥皂，他的媽媽慌慌張張地打電話給家庭醫(yī)生求助。醫(yī)生說(shuō)：“我現(xiàn)在還有幾個(gè)病人在，可能要半個(gè)小時(shí)后才能趕過(guò)去。”小明媽媽說(shuō)：“在你來(lái)之前，我該做什么？”醫(yī)生說(shuō)：“給小明喝一杯白開(kāi)水，然后用力跳一跳，你就可以讓小明用嘴巴吹泡泡消磨時(shí)間了。”

啟示：事情既然已經(jīng)發(fā)生了，何不坦然自在地面對(duì)？擔(dān)心不如寬心，窮緊張不如窮開(kāi)心。

10、同樣是小學(xué)三年級(jí)的學(xué)生，他們將來(lái)的志愿同是當(dāng)小丑。中國(guó)老師斥之為：“胸?zé)o大志，孺子不可教也！”外國(guó)老師則會(huì)說(shuō)：“愿你把歡笑帶給全世界！”

啟示：身為長(zhǎng)輩的我們，不但要求多于鼓勵(lì)，更以狹窄界定了成功的定義。

第四篇：英語(yǔ)幽默小故事

英語(yǔ)幽默小故事

Where is the egg? Teacher:Can you make a sentence with the word “egg”? Student:Yes.I ate a piece of cake yesterday.Teacher:Then where is the “egg"? Student:In the cake,Sir.雞蛋在哪里？

老師：你能用“雞蛋”一詞造句嗎？ 學(xué)生：可以。我昨天吃了一塊蛋糕。老師：“雞蛋”在哪？ 學(xué)生：在蛋糕里，先生 Son: Dad, give me a dime.Father: Son, don't you think you're getting too big to be forever begging for dimes? Son: I guess you're right, Dad, Give me a dollar, will you? 兒子：爸爸，給我一角錢(qián)。

父親：兒子，你不認(rèn)為你已經(jīng)長(zhǎng)大了，不該再老是一角一角地要錢(qián)了(該自立了)，不是嗎？

兒子：爸爸，我想你是對(duì)的，那給我一塊錢(qián)行嗎？

I'm sorry，Madam，but I shall have to charge you twenty dollars for pulling your boy's tooth.”

“Twenty d ollars!Why，I understand you to say that you charged only four dollars for such work!”

“Yes，but this youngster yelled so terribly that he scared four other patients out of the office.”

“對(duì)不起，夫人，為您孩子拔牙我要收取20美元。” “20美元！為什么？不是說(shuō)好只要4美元。”

“是的，但是你的孩子大喊大叫，把另外四個(gè)病人嚇跑了。”

Ten Candies

Mother asks her son, “Jim, if you have ten candies, and you eat four, then how many candles do you have?”

“Ten.” Jim says.“Then,” Mother asks.“Yes, Mum.Four candles are in my stomach and six candies are out of my stomach.Four and six is ten, isn’t it right?”

十塊糖

媽媽問(wèn)兒子：“吉姆，如果你有10塊糖，吃了4塊，那你還有幾塊糖？”

“10塊。”吉姆說(shuō)。

“10塊？”媽媽問(wèn)。

“是的，媽媽。因?yàn)?塊在我的肚子里面，6塊在肚子外面，4加6等于10，不對(duì)嗎？”

It’s Good to Admit a Fault John is not a “good” student.He always sleeps in the class.Today he sleeps again.“John!” Teacher says angrily.“What? What’s wrong?” John is awaken.“Why do you make a face? It’s classroom.Look!Everyone is laughing.” Teacher says.“No one is laughing.” Teacher says.“No, it’s not me.I was not making a face.I was sleeping.” John fells upset.“Um.Not bad.You can admit your fault.You are still a good boy.” Teacher is satisfied with it.認(rèn)錯(cuò)

約翰并不是個(gè)“好”學(xué)生。他總是在上課的時(shí)候睡覺(jué)。今天他又睡著了。

“約翰！”老師生氣地喊他。

“什么？出什么事了？”約翰醒了。

“你為什么要做鬼臉？這是教室！看看！同學(xué)們都在笑！”老師生氣地說(shuō)。“沒(méi)有人在笑呀。”其他同學(xué)笑聲地嘀咕。

“不，不是我。我沒(méi)有做鬼臉。剛才我睡著了。”約翰感到不安。

“嗯，還不錯(cuò)。你承認(rèn)自己的錯(cuò)誤，還是給好孩子”老師為此感到滿意。

Adding Feet to a Snake

One day, Mr.Lion holds a party.Many animals come and drink a lot of wine.At last there is a pot of wine.Who can drink it? They drink out an idea and decide to have a match-Draw a snake.If you finish first, you can get it.Soon Mr.Wolf finishes drawing.“Yeah, I’ve finished.I’m No.1,” he says.But he draws again and says, “Oh, let me add feet and my snake.” At the time, Mr.Gorilla also finishes.He takes away the pot of wine and drinks, then he says, “That isn’t a snake.Snakes have no feet.I get the wine.”

畫(huà)蛇添足

一天，獅子先生舉行一場(chǎng)聚會(huì)，許多動(dòng)物都來(lái)了，他們喝很多酒。最后只剩一壺酒了。讓誰(shuí)喝呢？它們想了想，有個(gè)主意。它們比賽畫(huà)蛇，誰(shuí)最快畫(huà)好，誰(shuí)就喝這壺酒。

不一會(huì)，狼先生畫(huà)好了。“哈，我畫(huà)好了，我是第一個(gè)。”它說(shuō)。可是它又畫(huà)了起來(lái)，它還說(shuō)：“再給它加幾只腳吧。”這是猩猩先生也畫(huà)好了。它拿起那酒壺喝起來(lái)。一邊喝一邊說(shuō)：“那不是蛇，蛇是沒(méi)有腳的，我贏了這壺酒。”

Covering One’s Ears While Stealing a Bell

Mr.Wang thinks he is clever, but he always does foolish things.One day he sees a beautiful bell at the top of a door.“Oh!How nice!I will take it home.” He thinks, “What can I do?” After a while he has a “good” idea.“Aha!I have an idea now.I can plug my ears.Then I will not hear the ring when I take off the bell.”

Then he does so.But as soon as he takes off the bell, the owner opens the door.“What ate you doing?” the owner says angrily.掩耳盜鈴

王先生總以為自己很聰明，實(shí)際上他總干傻事。

一天，他看見(jiàn)一戶人家的門(mén)頭有個(gè)很漂亮的鈴鐺。“啊，真漂亮啊！我要把它拿回家去。”他自言自語(yǔ)道：“我該怎么做呢？”過(guò)了一會(huì)兒他想到了一個(gè)“好”主意。“啊哈！我有辦法了！我把耳朵堵上，拿鈴鐺的時(shí)候就聽(tīng)不見(jiàn)鈴聲了。”

于是他就這樣做了。可是他剛拿下鈴鐺，屋子的主人就打開(kāi)門(mén)，怒氣沖沖地說(shuō)：“你在干什么？”

Look at the Sky from the Bottom of a Well

There is a frog.He lives in a well and he never goes out of the well.He thinks the sky is as big as the mouth of the well.One day a crow comes to the well.He sees the frog and says, “Frog, let’s have a talk.” Then the frog asks, “Where are you from?” “I fly from the sky,” the crow says.The frog feels surprised and says, “The sky is only as big as the mouth of the well.How do you fly from the sky?”

The crow says, “The sky is very big.You always stay in the well, so you don’t know the world is big.”

The frog says, “I don’t believe.” But the crow says, “You can come out and have a look by yourself.”

So the frog comes out from the well.He is very surprised.How big the world is!

坐井觀天

有一只青蛙住在井底，他從來(lái)沒(méi)有去過(guò)井外面。他以為天空就和井口一樣大。一天，一只烏鴉飛到井邊，看見(jiàn)青蛙，就對(duì)它說(shuō)：“青蛙，咱們聊聊吧。”青蛙就問(wèn)他：“你從哪里來(lái)？”“我從天上上來(lái)。青蛙驚訝了，就說(shuō)：“天空就只有這井口這么大，你怎么會(huì)從天上飛老呢？”

烏鴉說(shuō)：“天空很大。只不過(guò)你一直呆在井里，所有不知道世界很大。”青蛙說(shuō)：“我不相信。”烏鴉說(shuō)：“你可以出來(lái)，自己看看嘛。” 于是青蛙來(lái)到井外。他十分驚訝，原來(lái)世界這么大！

The Clever King Solomon

Long, long ago, there was a king.Solomon was his name.He was very clever.In his country, there were two women.They lived in the same house and each had a child.One night, one of the babies died.The dead baby’s mother took the other woman’s baby, and put it in her own bed.The next morning , they had a quarrel.“No, this is my baby!” The dead is yours!”

Each one wanted the living baby.So they went to see King Solomon.“Bring me a knife, cut the child into two and five each woman one half.” said the King.“Oh.Your Majesty!Give her my baby.Please don’t kill my baby!”

Then King Solomon pointed to the woman in teas and said, “Give the baby to her.She is the mother.”

聰明的國(guó)王所羅門(mén)

很久很久之前，有一位國(guó)王，他的名字叫所羅門(mén)，他非常聰明。

在他的國(guó)家里，有兩位婦女，她們住在同一間房子里。各有一個(gè)嬰兒。

一天夜里，其中一個(gè)嬰兒死了。他的媽媽抱另一位婦女的小孩，把他放在自己的床上。

第二天早上，他們發(fā)生了爭(zhēng)吵。

“不，這是我的孩子！這個(gè)死的是你的！”

他們都想要這個(gè)活著的孩子，于是她們?nèi)ヒ?jiàn)所羅門(mén)國(guó)王。

“給我拿把刀來(lái)，把這個(gè)孩子切成兩半，沒(méi)人一半。”國(guó)王判決道。

“哦，陛下，把我的孩子給她吧。請(qǐng)不要?dú)⒘宋业暮⒆樱　币晃荒赣H哭喊道。于是所羅門(mén)指著流淚的婦女說(shuō)：“把孩子給她，她是真正的母親。”

Two Holes for the Dogs

My uncle has two dogs.One is big and the other is small.He likes them very much.One day, Mr.Smith came to visit him.When the friend saw two holes in the door, a large hole and a small hole, he was surprised and said, “My dear friend, why are there two holes in your door?” “Let my dogs come in and come out, of course,” Mr.Smith asked.“But why are there two holes? One is enough!” “But how can the big dog go through the small hole?” my uncle said.Sometimes a clever man may make such mistakes.兩個(gè)狗洞

我的叔叔有兩條狗。一只是大的，另一只是小狗的。他很喜歡它們。

有一天，史密斯先生來(lái)看他。當(dāng)這個(gè)朋友看見(jiàn)門(mén)口上有連個(gè)洞，一個(gè)是大洞和一個(gè)小洞時(shí)，他感到吃驚并說(shuō)，“我親愛(ài)的朋友，為什么你的門(mén)上有連個(gè)洞？”我的叔叔回答說(shuō)：“當(dāng)然是讓我的兩條狗進(jìn)出了。” 史密斯先生問(wèn)到：“ 為什么門(mén)上要兩個(gè)洞呢？一個(gè)就足夠了。” 我叔叔說(shuō)：“大狗怎能走小洞呢？” 有時(shí)聰明的人可能會(huì)犯這樣的錯(cuò)誤。

第五篇：英語(yǔ)幽默小故事

英語(yǔ)幽默小故事

The Bear and the Two Travelers

TWO man were traveling together, when a Bear suddenly met them on their path.One of them climbed up quickly into a tree and concealed himself in the branches.The other, seeing that he must be attacked, fell flat on the ground, and when the Bear came up and felt him with his snout, and smelt him all over, he held his breath, and feigned the appearance of death as much as he could.The Bear soon left him, for it is said he will not touch a dead body.When he was quite gone, the other Traveler descended from the tree, and jocularly inquired of his friend what it was the Bear had whispered in his ear.“He gave me this advice,” his companion replied.“Never travel with a friend who deserts you at the approach of danger.”

An ant went to the bank of a river to quench its thirst, and being carried away by the rush of the stream, was on the point of drowning.A Dove sitting on a tree overhanging the water plucked a leaf and let it fall into the stream close to her.The Ant climbed onto it and floated in safety to the bank.Shortly afterwards a bird catcher came and stood under the tree, and laid his lime-twigs for the Dove, which sat in the branches.The Ant, perceiving his design, stung him in the foot.In pain the bird catcher threw down the twigs, and the noise made the Dove take wing.One good turn deserves another

Love Your Life

熱愛(ài)生活

Henry David Thoreau/享利.大衛(wèi).梭羅

However mean your life is,meet it and live it;do not shun it and call it hard names.It is not so bad as you are.It looks poorest when you are richest.The fault-finder will find faults in paradise.Love your life,poor as it is.You may perhaps have some pleasant,thrilling,glorious hourss,even in a poor-house.The setting sun is reflected from the windows of the alms-house as brightly as

from the rich man’s abode;the snow melts before its door as early in the spring.I do not see but a quiet mind may live as contentedly there,and have as cheering thoughts,as in a palace.The town’s poor seem to me often to live the most in dependent lives of any.May be they are simply great enough to receive without misgiving.Most think that they are above being supported by the town;

but it of ten happens that they are not above supporting themselves by dishonest means.which should be more disreputable.Cultivate poverty like a garden herb,like sage.Do not trouble yourself much to get new things,whether clothes or friends,Turn the old,return to them.Things do not change;we change.Sell your clothes and keep your thoughts.不論你的生活如何卑賤，你要面對(duì)它生活，不要躲避它，更別用惡言咒罵它。它不像你那樣壞。你最富有的時(shí)候，倒是看似最窮。愛(ài)找缺點(diǎn)的人就是到天堂里也能找到缺點(diǎn)。你要愛(ài)你的生活，盡管它貧窮。甚至在一個(gè)濟(jì)貧院里，你也還有愉快、高興、光榮的時(shí)候。夕陽(yáng)反射在濟(jì)貧院的窗上，像身在富戶人家窗上一樣光亮；在那門(mén)前，積雪同在早春融化。

我只看到，一個(gè)從容的人，在哪里也像在皇宮中一樣，生活得心滿意足而富有愉快的思想。城鎮(zhèn)中的窮人，我看，倒往往是過(guò)著最獨(dú)立不羈的生活。也許因?yàn)樗麄兒軅ゴ螅允苤疅o(wú)愧。大多數(shù)人以為他們是超然的，不靠城鎮(zhèn)來(lái)支援他們；可是事實(shí)上他們是往往利用了不正當(dāng)?shù)氖侄蝸?lái)對(duì)付生活，他們是毫不超脫的，毋寧是不體面的。視貧窮如園中之花而像圣人一樣耕植它吧！不要找新的花樣，無(wú)論是新的朋友或新的衣服，來(lái)麻煩你自己。找舊的，回到那里去。萬(wàn)物不變，是我們?cè)谧儭Ｄ愕囊路梢再u(mài)掉，但要保留你的思想。

Ladies and Gentlemen, Good morning!I’m very glad to stand here and give you a short speech.Man’s life is a process of growing up, actually I’m standing here is a growth.If a person’s life must constituted by various choices, then I grow up along with these choices.Once I hope I can study in a college in future, however that’s passed, as you know I come here, now I wonder what the future holds for me.When I come to this school, I told to myself: this my near future, all starts here.Following I will learn to become a man, a integrated man, who has a fine body, can take on important task, has independent thought, an open mind, intensive thought, has the ability to judge right and wrong, has a perfect job.

Once my teacher said :” you are not sewing, you are stylist;never forget which you should lay out to people is your thought, not craft.” I will put my personality with my interest and ability into my study, during these process I will combine learning with doing.If I can achieve this “future”, I think that I really grow up.And I deeply believe kindred, good-fellowship and love will perfection and happy in the future.

How to say future? Maybe it’s a nice wish.Lets make up our minds, stick to it

and surely well enjoy our life.中文大意：）~

女士們，先生們，上午好。我很高興在這里為大家作一個(gè)簡(jiǎn)短的講話。

人的一生是一個(gè)成長(zhǎng)的過(guò)程，事實(shí)上，我現(xiàn)在站在這里也是一次成長(zhǎng)。如果一個(gè)人的一生必須面臨不同的選擇，那么我就是伴隨著這些選擇成長(zhǎng)起來(lái)的。曾經(jīng)我盼望將來(lái)能上大學(xué)，然而那已經(jīng)過(guò)去了，現(xiàn)在我在這兒，只想知道我的未來(lái)會(huì)是什么樣的。

當(dāng)我來(lái)到這所學(xué)校，我告訴我自己：我不久的將來(lái)都從這里開(kāi)始。接著我要學(xué)習(xí)如何做人，如何做一個(gè)正直的人，并且擁有一個(gè)健康的體魄，能承擔(dān)重要的任務(wù)，能獨(dú)立思考，思想開(kāi)放，心思縝密，有判斷是非的能力，有一份不錯(cuò)的工作。

我的老師曾經(jīng)告訴我說(shuō)：“你不是在修補(bǔ)而是在創(chuàng)造；永遠(yuǎn)不要忘記你向人們所展示的是你的思想，而不是你的手藝。”我會(huì)將我的性格，興趣愛(ài)好和能力一起融入到學(xué)習(xí)中去。在這過(guò)程中，我邊學(xué)習(xí)邊實(shí)踐。如果我能實(shí)現(xiàn)這個(gè)“未來(lái)”，我就認(rèn)為我真的成長(zhǎng)了。并且我深信我的親人，好朋友以及愛(ài)會(huì)使我的未來(lái)更完美，更幸福。

如何來(lái)解釋未來(lái)呢? 也許那只是一個(gè)美好的愿望。讓我們下定決心，堅(jiān)持到底，那我們的人生一定能過(guò)得很精彩。

世界節(jié)日（1）Spring Festival（春節(jié)）

作者：節(jié)日轉(zhuǎn)貼自：本站原創(chuàng)點(diǎn)擊數(shù)：578文章錄入： 湖北華審

The New Moon on the first day of the new year--the full moon 15 days later

Chinese New Year starts with the New Moon（新月）on the first day of the new year and ends on the full moon（滿月）15 days later.The 15th day of the new year is called the Lantern Festival（元宵節(jié)）, which is celebrated at night with lantern displays and children carrying lanterns in a parade.The Chinese calendar is based on a combination of lunar and solar movements.The lunar cycle（月運(yùn)周期）is about 29.5 days.In order to “catch up” with the solar calendar the Chinese insert an extra month once every few years(seven years out of a 19-yearcycle).This is the same as adding an extra day on leap year（閏年）.This is why, according to the solar calendar, the Chinese New Year falls on a different date each year.New Year's Eve and New Year's Day are celebrated as a family affair, a time of reunion and thanksgiving.The celebration was traditionally highlighted with a religious ceremony given in honor of Heaven and Earth（萬(wàn)物）, the gods of the household and the family ancestors.The sacrifice to the ancestors, the most vital of all the rituals（儀式）, united the living members with those who had passed away.Departed relatives are remembered with great respect because they were responsible for laying the foundations for the fortune and glory of the family.The presence of the ancestors is acknowledged on New Year's Eve with a dinner arranged for them at the family banquet table.The spirits of the ancestors,together with the living, celebrate the onset of the New Year as one great community.The communal feast called “surrounding the stove” or weilu.It symbolizes family unity and honors the past and present generations.The Origin of Chinese New Year

The Chinese New Year is now popularly known as the Spring Festival because it starts from the Begining of Spring(the first of the twenty-four terms in coodination with the changes of Nature).Its origin is too old to be traced.Several explanations are hanging around.All agree, however, that the word Nian, which in modern Chinese solely means “year”, was originally the name of a monster beast that started to prey on people the night before the beginning of a new year.One legend goes that the beast Nian had a very big mouth that would swallow a great many people with one bite.People were very scared.One day, an old man came to their rescue, offering to subdue Nian.To Nian he said, “I hear say that you are very capable, but can you swallow the other beasts of prey on earth instead of people who are by no means of your worthy opponents?” So, it did swallow many of the beasts of prey on earth that also harrassed people and their domestic animals from time to time.After that, the old man disappeared riding the beast Nian.He turned out to be an immortal god.Now that Nian is gone and other beasts of prey are also scared into forests, people begin to enjoy their peaceful life.Before the old man left, he had told people to put up red paper decorations on their windows and doors at each year's end to scare away Nian in case it sneaked back again, because red is the color the beast feared the most.From then on, the tradition of observing the conquest of Nian is carried on from generation to generation.The term “Guo Nian”, which may mean “Survive the Nian” becomes today “Celebrate the(New)Year” as the word “guo” in Chinese having both the meaning of “pass-over” and “observe”.The custom of putting up red paper and firing fire-crackers to scare away Nian should it have a chance to run loose is still around.However, people today have long forgotten why they are doing all this, except that they feel the color and the sound add to the excitement of the celebration.Traditional New Year Foods

Probably more food is consumed during the New Year celebrations than any other time of the year.Vast amounts of traditional food is prepared for family and friends, as well as those close to us who have died.On New Year's Day, the Chinese family will eat a vegetarian dish called jai.Although the various ingredients in jai are root vegetables or fibrous vegetables, many people attribute various superstitious aspects to them.Other foods include a whole fish, to represent togetherness and abundance, and a chicken for prosperity.The chicken must be presented with a head, tail and feet to symbolize completeness.Noodles should be uncut, as they represent long life.In south China, the favorite and most typical dishes were nian gao, sweet

steamed glutinous rice（糯米）pudding and zong zi(glutinous rice wrapped up in reed（蘆葦）leaves), another popular delicacy.In the north, steamed-wheat bread(man tou)and small meat dumplings were the preferred food.The tremendous amount of food prepared at this time was meant to symbolize abundance and wealth for the household.The 15-Day Celebration of Chinese New Year

The first day of the Lunar New Year is “the welcoming of the gods of the heavens and earth.”Many people abstain from meat on the first day of the new year because it is believed that this will ensure long and happy lives for them.On the second day, the Chinese pray to their ancestors as well as to all the gods.They are extra kind to dogs and feed them well as it is believed that the second day is the birthday of all dogs.The third and fourth days are for the sons-in-laws to pay respect to their parents-in-law.The fifth day is called Po Woo.On that day people stay home to welcome the God of Wealth.No one visits families and friends on the fifth day because it will bring both parties bad luck.On the sixth to the 10th day, the Chinese visit their relatives and friends freely.They also visit the temples to pray for good fortune and health.The seventh day of the New Year is the day for farmers to display their produce.These farmers make a drink from seven types of vegetables to celebrate the occasion.The seventh day is also considered the birthday of human beings.Noodles are eaten to promote longevity and raw fish for success.On the eighth day the Fujian people have another family reunion dinner, and at midnight they pray to Tian Gong, the God of Heaven.The ninth day is to make offerings to the Jade Emperor.The 10th through the 12th are days that friends and relatives should be invited for dinner.After so much rich food, on the 13th day you should have simple rice congee and mustard greens(choi sum)to cleanse the system.The 14th day should be for preparations to celebrate the Lantern Festival which is to be held on the 15th night.Auspicious words:

Treasures fill the homeBusiness flourishesPeace all year roundWishing you prosperity

Harmony brings wealth May all your wishes come trueEverything goes wellThe country flourishes and people live in peace

Money and treasures will be plentifulWishing you every successPromoting to a higher positionSafe trip wherever you go