第一篇：孔雀東南飛 英語搞笑劇本（最終版）

3-1l:mum, i’m back!

lm:you are back?why?what happened? l:i was kicked out by my most beautiful graceful and dearest mother–in-law.lm(驚訝,但隨即露出幸災樂禍的神情):see!i have already told you!when you insisted on marrying that terrible johnny, i told you that he is ugly tupid and poor, but you did not listen to me.look at yourself…… l:but,mum……

lm:never interrupt me!l:mum,i’m not interrupting you.i just want to tell you that you are always right ok? and i’ll marry whomever you want me to.lm(大喜):nice girl!just now, i met the mayor’s son in the market.he said:“if your daughter haven’t been married,i really really want to marry her!”now you are free again, i ’ll go and tell him.(下)l(驚愕):what? the mayor’s son?the most famous playboy in the neighbor-hood?(手中的鍋 鏟掉在地上)what a silly thing i have done!(下)act3(j睡眼惺忪上)j(邊走邊道):lunch!lunch!where are mysocks?(走了幾步,在地上撿起襪子)here they are!(聞一下)er!how smelly!they are still dirty!(突然想起)lunch has gone!i have to wash them myself.(他的肚子似乎咕咕叫了起來)oh,i’m so hungry!but there’s no breakfast!(撿起地上的圍

裙)this is what lunch always wears!i miss her so much, and her excellent cooking skill!now she has gone.i have to cook for my mother and myself.jm(上):where’s my breakfast? where’slunch?hasn’t she got up yet?

j:mum, can’t you remember?lunch has gone!

jm(沉吟片刻):well, to tell you the truth johnny, a son without a wife is suseless.lunch is an ice girl,go and take her back!j(立正敬禮):yes madam!act4(j開心地走著，忽然跳出來三個強盜)a:hey you!stop and listen to us!the road is built by me!(抬腳重重地踩在一塊大石頭上)b:and i planted one tree!(亦抬腳踩在同一塊石頭上)c:if you want to go by this street---(欲踩石頭，但踩到了a的腳)ab&c:give us all your money!j(搜遍了每一個口袋，掏出１角硬幣):is 1mao enough?(三強盜暈倒狀，接著三人聚在一邊商量)a:what bad luck!this guy is broken!

3-3-b:if we cannot robany money today,we will havenot thing to eat tonight!c:i heard that the mayor’s son is going to marry miss liulanzhi next month.we can go and rob the wedding!a&b:good idea!j(驚訝):what? what? lunch is going to get married? it’s impossible!

ab&c:why? a pretty girl and a richman,what a good couple!j:but lunch is my wife!we haven’t got divorced yet!

(突然有了主意)i’ve got an idea!you are going to rob the wedding, don’tyou? i’ll go with you.you take the money and i take the bride.b:have you got any experience? j:no.but i’ve got this!(j脫下鞋子從里面摸出一張支票，上書＄１，０００，０００)act5(轉眼已到了婚禮之期．ms意氣風發用紅綢牽著新娘上，j蓋著紅蓋頭極不情愿地被拉上臺)(j和三強盜躍至臺中)abc&j:hey you!stop and listen to us!a:the road is built by me!b:and i planted one tree.c:if you want to go by this street---j:give us all your money!(l聽到j的聲音，掀起了蓋頭)l(驚喜萬分):johnny!(不顧一切地飛奔到j的身邊并躲到了的身后)(ms大怒，揮拳向j打來．j矮身一躲，ms打中了j身后的l，l暈倒)j(火冒三丈):how dare you beat my wife!（揮拳向ms沖去）(j與ms混戰，jm上，以拐杖擊暈ms)(j將ms胸前的新郎標志扯下戴在自己胸前)j(扶起l，關切地問):honey, how are you? l(哭狀):i hurt a lot!j:don’t cry baby.i’ll go and fetch the medicine.(下)l(起身去追):wait for me!(跑下)

第二篇：孔雀東南飛搞笑劇本劇本

《孔雀東南飛》劇本

旁白：東漢末建安年間，廬江太守衙門里的小官吏焦仲卿的妻子劉蘭芝被焦仲卿的母親趕回娘家，她回娘家后發誓不再嫁人。她的娘家逼迫她改嫁，她便投水死了。焦仲卿聽到蘭芝投水而死這件事，也在自家庭院的樹上吊死了。當時的人哀悼他們.寫下這首詩記述這件事。；【孔雀鳥向東南方向飛去，飛上五里便徘徊一陣】

劉蘭芝: 大家好!我就是傳說中美貌與智慧并重、溫柔與體貼的化身----劉蘭芝我十三能織布,十四學裁衣,十五彈箜篌,十六誦詩書……

焦母:(拄拐上場,吼道)你死哪去了!還不趕緊去做飯!

蘭芝:(低眉順眼并給婆婆行禮)婆婆……我這就去給您做飯?今天咱們吃面條,行么?

焦母:(面朝天,生氣狀)面條……面條,太滑!

蘭芝:(委曲求全)那……那……咱們吃包子?

焦母:(頓了頓拐)包子！！包子,太膩!

蘭芝:(聲音哽咽)那……吃餅成不?

焦母:(白了蘭芝一眼)不行!不行!烙餅太硬!

蘭芝:(淚水溢滿眼眶,強忍不流)那婆婆,你想吃什么,我去給您做。

焦母:(怒斥)算了吧！你這個笨婆娘！我們焦家怎么娶了你？連飯都做不好！下去吧！算了，快下去……真煩死人了！

（蘭芝黯然轉身，坐在椅子上哭，焦母下場，蘭芝轉身坐在椅子上哭，仲卿上）

仲卿：（遠行剛回家，看見蘭芝在哭，急忙放下行李作揖到她面前安慰道）娘子，你這是怎么了？（急切）

蘭芝: 相公幾日不見，你又消瘦了！

仲卿：娘子更堪憔悴，母親又說你來吧！娘子受苦了！

蘭芝:(蘭芝低頭沉默接著說)只怕……只怕……母親是不會留我了!

仲卿：娘子莫擔心,我不會讓你離開我的!待我再向母親求情!(焦下)

(仲卿一邊走一邊猶豫,經過一番思考,他終于來到母親的房門,焦母正襟危坐于前焦上前去一鞠躬)

仲卿：母親啊!你看蘭芝她溫柔體貼,對您恭敬孝順,你為什么總是不滿意呢?

焦母: 乖兒子,聽話?那種女人不要也罷!娘再給你找一個好媳婦。喏……東家有個芙蓉姐姐，名叫秦羅敷 娘看她是人見人愛，花見花開，車見車爆胎，她和你啊，真是龍配龍，鳳配鳳，老鼠配臭蟲！

仲卿：啊！

焦母: 青蛙配恐龍！

仲卿：啊！

焦母: 奧……不對!美女配英雄!

仲卿：不,孩兒已和蘭芝立下山盟海誓、相伴終生,我是風兒,她是沙,我是葉兒她是花,我是……

焦母: 夠了,你放了肆了,大了膽了,有能耐了是不是,我的話也不聽,說不行!就不行!你們倆立馬斷交,立刻!馬上!

(焦抱著頭,仲卿被母親趕了出來,滿臉沮喪的來到蘭芝屋里)

仲卿：(深情的)娘子

蘭芝: 相公無須多言,小女子什么都明白了。

仲卿：蘭芝你先放心回家，等我把母親搞定了，就來接你！

蘭芝: 相公……【唱 我舍不得…可是時間回不去了】

仲卿：（感動有感而發）如果我有一千萬，我就能買一棟房子，我有一千萬么？沒有！所以我沒有買。如果我有翅膀，我就能飛，我有翅膀么？沒有！所以我不會飛。如果我能等一個人，！是的！我能！如果要在這個時間上加一個期限的話，我愿意是一萬年！【唱愛你一萬年…】

蘭芝:（感動流淚狀）啥也別說了，感情都在酒里了!【拿個杯子喝交杯酒】

旁白:(分別依依不舍,蘭芝帶著仲卿的希望回到家中,可是!到了家門口,她想到自己被休,不禁又感到害怕)

蘭芝:(害怕狀)母親……母親!我回來了!

蘭芝母:(十分生氣,十分吃驚)你真是放了肆了!大了膽了!有能耐了!是不是!被人休了!還好意思回來!說!為什么被休呀!

蘭芝: 我沒做錯什么?是仲卿她娘看我不順眼,就把我趕回來了!(同情狀并輕輕挽著女兒的手)

蘭芝母:(理解狀)原來是這樣呀!女兒呀!你真是命苦呀!你先回房休息吧!別太傷心!

蘭芝:(應答)那娘我先回房休息了。

旁白:（蘭芝被休的消息很快傳了出去，幾天后的一個月明高照的晚上，縣令家的三公子出來賞月，不知不覺來到了劉府）

三少爺:(君望月)今天的月亮真圓呀!就像燒餅,就是芝麻少了點?呀!蘭芝家的燈還開著,難道她也在賞月?正好!趁現在!……唱:今夜我又來到你的窗前,窗簾上你的影子多么可愛,默默的愛了你這么多年,今夜我要向你……表白……

蘭芝: 仲卿……仲卿!是你么?

三少爺:(痛苦狀)不!我是府君!

蘭芝:(變色冷冷地說)是你呀!你來做什么!

三少爺: 蘭芝,有一句話很早就想對你說了,其實……其實……我很……

蘭芝: 你還是走吧!我的心今生今世只屬于一個人!奧!仲卿……(抬頭望著天空表示天真)我的愛人!你在哪里?

三少爺: 蘭芝……蘭芝!我一定會讓你嫁給我的!

旁白:(第二天,縣令派媒人到劉府提親 [媒婆上場]

媒婆: 終于輪到我了,各位觀眾!我就是前無古人、后無來者、馳名中外的跨世紀金牌媒人----鐵尺銅牙“小甜甜”創業數十年來，憑俺沉魚落雁、閉月羞花之貌、能起死回生的三寸不爛之舌，促成了多少美好姻緣，連月老前天還說，要拜俺為師呢？哈！哈！哈！哈！哎吆！……到了！（走到門前敲門）叮咚……

劉母: 誰呀!誰呀!來了!來了!(開門)你找誰呀!阿婆?

媒婆: 哎吆!看你說的!人家可是黃花大閨女?(同時做手勢 羞澀拿手絹[沒有手絹拿衛生紙代替]擋著臉)劉母: 奧!對不起!那你有事么?姑娘!

媒婆: 是這樣的,縣令家的三公子,看上你們家的劉姑娘了,他對她是一見鐘情、越陷越深、茶飯不思、水米不進,葉縣令特意派我來提親的!劉母: 蘭芝……蘭芝!她……

媒婆: 你還猶豫什么?這可是葉家的三公子呀!那人長得絕了!才十八歲!正當壯年!尤其是!那張嘴,特能白活【河南話……】

劉母: 不是這個問題呀!是……

媒婆: 那是什么問題!你們家不就是想嫁個有錢人嗎?這不是你們想要的有錢人嗎?

劉母: 那我去問問蘭芝吧!蘭芝…… 蘭芝: 娘,有事嗎?

劉母: 閨女呀!葉家來提親了,你意見如何呀?

蘭芝: 娘呀!我不想嫁給三少爺,我和仲卿分開的時候,約定好了!我不嫁呀!劉母: 我看人家條件不錯!就嫁了吧!那個焦仲卿還不一定回來接你呢?

蘭芝: 我曾與仲卿許下諾言，除非海水變黃金，滿天掉餡餅，不然永不相棄的，還是算了罷。劉母: 唉!

媒婆: 說什么呢?真是彪死人了!不嫁算了!可別后悔!(轉身拿出手機給三公子打電話)

媒婆: 哈羅呀!三公子呀!

三少爺: 怎么樣?搞定了沒有呀?

媒婆: 哎呀!…小女子對不住您啊!俺把公子您的風流瀟灑都說盡了，可那小娘子竟然是王八吃秤砣鐵了心啊，她要和那個那個什么焦的永不相棄啊……

三少爺: 我暈!就這樣你還鐵齒銅牙呢？飯桶，一群飯桶！還是待本公子親自出馬！(掛機)蘭芝:(蘭芝一個人在家里,對著墻壁不禁又想起了仲卿)君當做磐石,妾當做蒲葦,蒲葦紉如絲,磐石無轉移(思念狀)山無棱天地和,才敢與君決。仲卿你知道我在想你嗎?

劉兄: 哎呀,哎呀!喜事呀,天大的喜事呀!蘭芝,太守府今日來提親了,這可是天大的喜訊呀!蘭芝: 哥,我不嫁!

劉兄: 什么!(大怒)你傻了不是,這么好的婚事你還要拒絕,人家沒嫌你,就是你這兒輩子修來的福了,你還……

蘭芝: 哥,你甭說了,我死也不同意!

劉兄: 你……你,你怎么就這么不開竅呀!你想啊!你若嫁給府君!就會有享不盡的榮華富貴,我還可以弄個官來做做,可你……

蘭芝: 我不在乎這些!【場景轉換】

三少爺: 涼風有信,秋月無邊,思嬌之情,度日如年啊!我雖不是高大威猛,風流倜儻,但我有廣闊的胸襟加強勁的臂膀。（路上遇見蘭芝）哇噻!美女!(激動上前擁抱,蘭芝躲開,三公子抱住劉兄,急忙松開)

劉兄: 哎呀!這不是三公子嗎?蘭芝還不來拜見三公子!(蘭芝不安,上前作揖)三少爺: 蘭芝美眉…一日不見,如三秋兮,你讓我等的好苦啊!

蘭芝: 三公子請自重,奴家已有意中人,我與仲卿立下山盟海誓,終生相伴。我是風兒，他是沙。我是牙膏，他是刷。我是烏龜，他是青蛙。

三少爺: 你是天鵝，他是癩蛤蟆!那個焦什么卿的，啊！有我帥嗎?有我有錢嗎?有我這么有品味嗎?有當縣令的老爹罩著嗎?

劉兄: 就是,就是!想我們三公子!才高八斗,學富五車高大威猛英俊瀟灑,號稱一顆青松壓海棠……三公子不要著急,是我們家蘭芝糊涂,這門親事咱們做定了!蘭芝: 我不嫁!

劉兄: 閉嘴,你嫁也得嫁,不嫁也得嫁!

蘭芝: 你……(無奈)

三少爺: 如此最好了!娘子,小生就待擇日來迎娶你了。(唱)你要是嫁人不要嫁給別人一定要嫁給我。哈哈…

旁白:(蘭芝想到自己將要嫁給府君,就坐立不安,不知不覺走出家門,卻正好看到聞訊趕來的仲卿)

蘭芝: 仲卿!

仲卿：蘭芝!

蘭芝: 你……來晚了,明天我將成為別人的新娘了!

仲卿：真是可喜可賀呀,磐石方且厚,可以卒千年!蒲葦一時紉,便做旦夕間。你就要做葉家少奶奶了,還說什么諾言呀!(生氣)

蘭芝: 唉!你又何必如此呢!同樣是被逼的,這世道不容我們,那我們來世再見。

仲卿：不求同年同月同日生,但求同年同月同日死(深情狀)

蘭芝: 在天愿做比翼鳥，在地愿為連理枝（深情狀）

仲卿與蘭芝: 我們來世再見!

仲卿回到家 與母親說道：母親，兒子要先走一步，你不要太想念我，要是想的慌 我會回來看看你的 祝您身體健康 壽比南山 【抹淚狀】

母親【驚嚇 悲傷狀】：兒子你不要這么忍心拋下我 世間女子這么多 你何必在一棵樹上吊死呢 東邊有個不錯的美眉 我去幫你提親 她肯定不會拒絕的 【仲卿拒絕了母親 回到房間嘆息】

旁白:(天亮了母親又來催了,葉家的花轎已經來了,蘭芝終于下定決心)

蘭芝:(痛苦狀)為什么我的命這么苦!相愛的人不能在一起?唉!仲卿我去了。（于是跳湖自盡）

旁白:(仲卿聽到蘭芝自殺的消息后,急忙跑出房門)

仲卿：蘭芝,你真的自殺了,好!我們地下相見吧!等我!【上吊身亡】

旁白:(就這樣相愛的人被分開,甜蜜的家被撤散,美滿的幸福被沖淡……焦劉兩家喪子之痛無法挽回，他們將仲卿與蘭芝的尸體和葬在華山之上，在墳墓的東西種上松柏，南北種上梧桐，枝葉相互交錯，異常茂盛，在樹叢中棲生著一對飛鳥，名叫鴛鴦。白天，行人聽了他們的叫聲駐足靜聽；夜晚，寡婦聽了他們的叫聲，起床彷徨。再三警告后人，要從這件事中取得教訓，萬萬不能忘！)

第三篇：六人英語搞笑劇本 孔雀東南飛

六人英語搞笑劇本 孔雀東南飛

Wander severy five miles 焦仲卿Johnny(Jforshort)劉蘭芝Lunch(Lforshort)焦母Johnny’s mother(JMforshort)劉母Lunch’smother(LMforshort)太守之子Mayor’sson(MSforshort)強盜Burglars(ABandC)

(Johnny（焦仲卿）作被打狀跑上臺,內砸出一卷紙筒,J被打中,狼狽不堪)Johnny（焦仲卿）:Everybody says that I’m henpecked,but in fact,I’m as strong as a tiger,(小聲)while my wifeis Wu Song.(指著上臺處的門大聲道)I’m not afraid of you!(內砸出一臉盆, Johnny（焦仲卿）接住當成盾牌護著頭)Then,I’m afraid of whom? My wife Lunch is the most famous woman in the neighbor-hood.She is braver than me, smarter than me and stronger than me.All this I do not care.I only want her to be tender than me.But she is not!Having a wife like this is just like living in the hell!(內又砸出一卷紙筒,擊中Johnny（焦仲卿）)My God!Who can help me?(下)Act1(序幕結束時,作竊聽狀)焦母（JM）(拄拐棍上):I can!(對門內)Lunch!Lunch!Where are you? 劉蘭芝Lunch(扎著圍裙,拿著鍋鏟,從門內跳出來):I’m here!What’s up mum? 焦母（JM）:I’ve told you again and again that you should call me“my most beautiful graceful and dearest mother-in-law”.劉蘭芝 Lunch :OK.My most beautiful graceful and dearest mother-in-law,what’s up? 焦母（JM）:Since you married my son you have behaved so badly.You have been so rude,sobrusque,so lazy…… 劉蘭芝 Lunch :But……

焦母（JM）:Never interrupt me!劉蘭芝 Lunch:Never interrupt me!Since I married your son,that terrible Johnny,I have been working hard all day long,cooking and washing.I have raised ten soft housands of pigs and ducks and chicken and……

焦母（JM）:But all those you have done are not as valuable as a grandson!劉蘭芝 Lunch(生氣地揮動著鍋鏟):Oh,you want a grandson,don’t you?(開始解圍裙)Goandask your son.I’m leaving!(扯下圍裙,扔在焦母（JM）的臉上,下)

Act2(焦母（JM）坐在臺上打毛線劉蘭芝Luch拿著鍋鏟上)劉蘭芝(Luch):Mum,I’m back!焦母（JM）:You are back?Why?What happened? 劉蘭芝(Luch):I was kicked out by my most beautiful graceful and dearest mother–in-law.焦母（JM）(驚訝,但隨即露出幸災樂禍的神情):See!I have already told you!When you insisted on marrying that terrible Johnny,I told you that he is ugly stupid and poor,but you did not listen to me.Look at yourself…… 劉蘭芝(Luch):But,mum…… 焦母（JM）:Never interrupt me!劉蘭芝(Luch):Mum,I’m not interrupting you.I just want to tell you that you are always right OK?And I’ll marry whom ever you want me to.劉母Lunch’smother(大喜):Nice girl!Justnow,I met the mayor’s son in the market.Hesaid:“If your daughter Haven’t been married,I really really want to marry her!”Now you are free again,I’ll go and tell him.(下)劉蘭芝(Luch):What?The mayor’s son?The most famous play boy in the neighbor-hood?(手中的鍋 鏟掉在地上)What as illy thing I have done!(下)

Act3(焦仲卿Johnny睡眼惺忪上)焦仲卿Johnny(邊走邊道):Lunch!Lunch!Where are my socks?(走了幾步,在地上撿起襪子)Here they are!(聞一下)Er!Howsmelly!They are still dirty!(突然想起)Lunch has gone!I have to wash them myself.(他的肚子似乎咕咕叫了起來)Oh,I’m so hungry!But there’s no breakfast!(撿起地上的圍 裙)This is what Lunch always wears!I miss her so much,and her excellent cooking skill!Now she has gone.I have to cook for my mother and myself.焦母（JM）:Where’s my breakfast?Where’sLunch?Hasn’t she got up yet? 焦仲卿Johnny:Mum,can’t you remember?Lunch has gone!焦母（JM）(沉吟片刻):Well,to tell you the truth Johnny,a son without a wifeisuseless.Lunch is an ice girl,go and take her back!焦仲卿Johnny(立正敬禮):Yes madam!Act4(焦仲卿Johnny開心地走著，忽然跳出來三個強盜)A:Hey you!Stop and listen to us!The road is built by me!(抬腳重重地踩在一塊大石頭上)B:And I planted one tree!(亦抬腳踩在同一塊石頭上)C:If you want to go by this street---(欲踩石頭，但踩到了A的腳)AB&C:Give us all your money!焦仲卿Johnny(搜遍了每一個口袋，掏出1角硬幣):Is1 mao enough?(三強盜暈倒狀，接著三人聚在一邊商量)A:What bad luck!This guy is broken!B:If we can notrobany money today,we will have nothing to eat tonight!C:I heard that the mayor’s son is going to marry Miss Liu Lanzhi next month.WE can go and rob the wedding!A&B:Good idea!焦仲卿Johnny(驚訝):What?What?Lunch is going to get married?It’s impossible!AB&C:Why?A pretty girl and a rich man,what a good couple!焦仲卿Johnny:But Lunch is my wife!We haven’t got divorced yet!(突然有了主意)I’ve got an idea!You are going to rob the wedding,don’tyou?I’ll go with you.You take the money and I take the bride.B:Have you got any experience? 焦仲卿Johnny:No.But I’ve got this!(J脫下鞋子從里面摸出一張支票，上書＄1，000，000)Act5(轉眼已到了婚禮之期．太守之子意氣風發用紅綢牽著新娘上，劉蘭芝Luch蓋著紅蓋頭極不情愿地被拉上臺)(焦仲卿Johnny和三強盜躍至臺中)ABC&焦仲卿Johnny:Heyyou!Stop and listen to us!A:The road is built by me!B:And I planted one tree.C:If you want to go by this street---焦仲卿Johnny:Give us all your money!劉蘭芝(Luch)聽到焦仲卿Johnny的聲音，掀起了蓋頭)劉蘭芝(Luch)(驚喜萬分):Johnny!(不顧一切地飛奔到焦仲卿Johnny的身邊并躲到了的身后)(太守之子大怒，揮拳向焦仲卿Johnn打來．焦仲卿Johnny矮身一躲，太守之子打中了焦仲卿Johnny身后的劉蘭芝(Luch)，劉蘭芝(Luch)暈倒)焦仲卿Johnny(火冒三丈):How dare you beat my wife!（揮拳向太守之子沖去）

(焦仲卿Johnny與太守之子混戰，焦母上，以拐杖擊暈太守之子)(焦仲卿Johnn將太守之子胸前的新郎標志扯下戴在自己胸前)焦仲卿Johnny(扶起劉蘭芝(Luch)，關切地問):Honey,how are you? 劉蘭芝(Luch)(哭狀):I hurt a lot!焦仲卿Johnny:Don’t cry baby.I’ll go and fetch the medicine.(下)劉蘭芝(Luch)(起身去追):Wait for me!(跑下)

第四篇：孔雀東南飛--英語搞笑短劇劇本

焦仲卿johnny(j for short)劉蘭芝lunch(l for short)焦母johnny’s mother(jm for short)劉母lunch’s mother(lm for short)太守之子mayor’s son(ms for short)強盜burglars(a b and c)prologue 序幕

(j作被打狀跑上臺,內砸出一卷紙筒,j被打中,狼狽不堪)j:everybody says that i’m hen pecked, but in fact,i’m a strong tiger,(小聲)while my wife is wusong.譯：人人都說我怕老婆，實際上我是老虎，（小聲）我妻子是武松。(指著上臺處的門大聲道)i’m not afraid of you!譯：我才不怕你呢！

(內砸出一臉盆,j接住當成盾牌護著頭)then, i’m afraid of whom!my wife lunchi is the most famous woman in the neighborhood.she is braver than me, smarter than me and stronger than me.all this i do not care.i only want her to be tenderer than me.but she is not!having a wife like this is just like living in the hell!譯：誰怕誰啊！在鄰里中，我妻子是最有名氣的。她比我勇敢、比我聰明、比我強壯。我也不在乎這些。我只覺得她該對我溫柔些，但是她卻不懂溫柔！有這樣的太太就像活在地獄中啊！(內又砸出一卷紙筒,擊中j)my god!who can help me?(下)譯：我的天！誰來救救我啊？ act1 第一幕

(序幕結束時,jm作竊聽狀)jm(拄拐棍上):i can!(對門內)lunch!lunch!where are you? l(扎著圍裙,拿著鍋鏟,從門內跳出來):i’m here!what’s up，mum? jm:i have told you again and again that you should call me “my most beautiful graceful and dearest mother-in-law”.l:ok.my most beautiful graceful and dearest mother-in-law, what’s up?

jm:since you married my son you have behaved so badly.you have been so rude, so brusque,so lazy…… l:but……

jm:never interrupt me!l:never interrupt me!since i married your son, that terrible johnny, i have been working hard all day long, cooking and washing.i have raised tens of thousands of pigs and ducks and chicken and……

jm: but all those you have done are not as valuable as a grandson!l(生氣地揮動著鍋鏟):oh, you want a grandson, don’t you?(開始解圍裙)go and ask your son.i’m leaving!(扯下圍裙,扔在jm的臉上,下)act2(lm坐在臺上打毛線,l拿著鍋鏟上)l: mum, i’m back!

lm: you are back?why? what happened? l:i was kicked out by my most beautiful graceful and dearest mother–in-law.lm(驚訝,但隨即露出幸災樂禍的神情):see!i have already told you!when you insisted on marrying that terrible johnny, i told you that he is ugly, stupid and poor, but you did not listen to me.look at yourself…… l: but, mum…… lm: never interrupt me!l: mum, i’m not interrupting you.i just want to tell you that you are always right ok? And i’ll marry whomever you want me to.lm(大喜): nice girl!just now, i met the mayor’s son in the market.he said, “if your daughter haven’t been married, i really really want to marry her!” now you are free again, i ’ll go and tell him.(下)l(驚愕): what? the mayor’s son? the most famous playboy in the neighborhood?(手中的鍋鏟掉在地上)what a silly thing i have done!(下)act3(j睡眼惺忪上)j(邊走邊道): lunch!lunch!where are my socks?(走了幾步,在地上撿起襪子)here they are!(聞一下)er!how smelly!they are still dirty!(突然想起)lunch has gone!i have to wash them myself.(他的肚子似乎咕咕叫了起來)oh, i’m so hungry!but there’s no breakfast!(撿起地上的圍裙)this is what lunch always wears!i miss her so much, and her excellent cooking skill!Now she has gone.i have to cook for my mother and myself.jm(上): where’s my breakfast? where’s lunch? hasn’t she got up yet? j: mum, can’t you remember? lunch has gone!jm(沉吟片刻): well, to tell you the truth johnny, a son without a wife is useless.lunch is a nice girl, go and take her back!j(立正敬禮): yes madam!act4(j開心地走著，忽然跳出來三個強盜)a: hey you!stop and listen to us!the road is built by me!(抬腳重重地踩在一塊大石頭上)b: and i planted one tree!(亦抬腳踩在同一塊石頭上)c: if you want to go by this street---(欲踩石頭，但踩到了a的腳)ab&c: give us all your money!j(搜遍了每一個口袋，掏出1角硬幣):is 1mao enough?(三強盜暈倒狀，接著三人聚在一邊商量)a: what bad luck!this guy is broken!b: if we cannot rob any money today, we will have nothing to eat tonight!c: i heard that the mayor’s son is going to marry miss liu lanzhi next month.we can go and rob the wedding!a&b: good idea!j(驚訝): what? what? lunch is going to get married? it’s impossible!ab&c: why? a pretty girl and a rich man, what a good couple!j: but lunch is my wife!we haven’t got divorced yet!(突然有了主意)i’ve got an idea!you are going to rob the wedding, don’t you? i’ll go with you.you take the money and i take the bride.b: have you got any experience? j: no.but i’ve got this!(j脫下鞋子從里面摸出一張支票，上書＄1，000，000)act5(轉眼已到了婚禮之期．ms意氣風發用紅綢牽著新娘上，j蓋著紅蓋頭極不情愿地被拉上臺)(j和三強盜躍至臺中)abc&j: hey you!stop and listen to us!a: the road is built by me!b: and i planted one tree.c: if you want to go by this street---j: give us all your money!(l聽到j的聲音，掀起了蓋頭)l(驚喜萬分): johnny!(不顧一切地飛奔到j的身邊并躲到了的身后)(ms大怒，揮拳向j打來．j矮身一躲，ms打中了j身后的l，l暈倒)j(火冒三丈): how dare you beat my wife!（揮拳向ms沖去）(j與ms混戰，jm上，以拐杖擊暈ms)(j將ms胸前的新郎標志扯下戴在自己胸前)j(扶起l，關切地問):honey, how are you? l(哭狀): i hurt a lot!j: don’t cry baby.i’ll go and fetch the medicine.(下)l(起身去追):wait for me!(跑下)

第五篇：英語搞笑短劇劇本

三打白骨精

Three Times’ Beating Monster

人物：T唐僧S：孫悟空 E：豬八戒

J：沙僧

B：白骨精（何平）B1：B變成的村姑 B2：B變成的太婆B3：B變化成的老頭 T: Emitofo, do you know where we are now? S: Bajie, map!E:(摸出，遞給S)S: Look, boss(湊近T)………（T、S一齊轉向E）

T: Bajie!How Many times I have told you, don’t bring these pictures of beautiful girls!E: Oh, boss!Forgive me(伸手拿回)T:(縮手)I’ll keep it for you until we reach the west E: But……

T: Emitofo, nothing is lust, lust is nothing!Map? E:(遞)Here.Em…… we have arrived in White Tiger Mountain!Ah I can’t walk on any more!(坐)My stomach doesn’t allow So.S: Fat Pig!E: Monkey,if you dare to say these two words once again, I will ,I will……….S: You will what(兇相)? E:(軟禁)I will help you catch fleas(跳蚤).S: Hm!

T:（輕咳）Wukong,factually,I am a bit hungry Could you go to get me some food? E: You see , boss is hungry,too!T: Baijie!Don’t forget who ate my last meal!

J: But boss,if a monster comes while brother monkey is away…..T: Em…….It is a problem.Wukong,do you have any idea? S: No problem!(安裝)（B已躲在一旁偷看）J: This is…..?

S: Electric net!I have learnt the energy of electricity from boss’s books.So I made this.No monster can approach you if you stay in it!T: Em……Wukong, you are becoming more and more scientific!Emitofo, knowledge is power!S: Bye!(走)T: Let’s play cards!(三人開始打牌)音樂《斗地主》 B: Hm!Hm!Electric net?You are too childish.(變成B1)B1:(接近三人，望著)Can I join you? J: I’m sorry,lady.We are playing Fighting Against landowner and three people are enough.B1:(在一旁觀看)Oh,Chance!Bomb!T: Bomb?(打出)B1: Double King!T: Oh….I win!Em……,Lady, you are a boss-hand.Come in and teach me!(準備

開電網門)S:(回來，看見B1)Oh,monster!(上前就打)B1:（倒)Ah……

T:(氣憤)Wukong!Look what have done!She is my teacher!S: She is a monster!T: Nonsense!(深呼吸)S: Oh,please don’t……

T:It’s too late!(唱)Once more……you open the door…(泰坦尼克主題曲，走音離譜)S: Please,Please,oh,no……(痛苦抱頭)T:(嗆住，咳)Wukong, I’m disappointed with you!

B:(真身出現)Hm!Sun Wukong, I’ll teach you a lesson!(變成太婆)B2:Hello,have you seen my daughter? T: Daughter?...(連忙擋住地尸體)No, sorry!(陪笑，B2想看后面是什么，T擋)S:（咬牙切齒）You monster, I’ll beat you into hell!(S追打B2,B2躲至T身后，S打，不想打到T頭，T暈，S再打死B2)E&J: Are you Ok, boss?(扶T)J: Look,(伸食指)how many? T:Two…..(暈乎乎地)Sun Wukong, game over!(變成B3)B3:(看到B1,B2尸體)Oh….,my daughter, my wife!Who did it?！(哭喊)S: I’ll kill you, monster!(打)T:（想阻止，未及）You,you.....(險些暈，E,J扶住)You have killed three lives!

S: No,they are not human beings!They are created by monster!T: Monster?You are a real monster!Never let me see you,go！S:(悲，離去)（音樂，營造 “假”悲傷氣氛）《人鬼情未了》 J: boss, brother Monkey is.......T: Don't mention that guy any more!B:(出現)Ha,ha,ha!(三尸體B1,B2,B3在B招手后“飄”走)T:（驚）You are......B: How foolish you are ,Mr Tang!(E,J去阻斗，被擊退)B:(抓住T)I'll enjoy your meat and blood, ha, ha......S:(悄悄走到B后，打B,B暈)A thousand years later.T: Wukong? E: Oh, Brother Monkey!J: Our hero is back!T: I,I can't understand......What happened? S: Boss,your IQ needs increasing!This monster changed its appearance into three shapes in order to cheat you!T: How, how did you find out? S:(沉默).......Monkey's intuition(直覺)T: Wukong(S不理T)I admit my mistake this time(S仍不理)I'm sorry(小聲)S: What? T: I'm sorry.S: Em? Louder, please?

T: I......am......sorry.....(S 捂耳)（音樂響）《敢問路在何方》（這個放伴奏）

(謝幕)

愛在西元前