寫寫幫會員為你精心整理了39篇《英語小笑話》的范文，但愿對你的工作學習帶來幫助，希望你能喜歡！

篇一：英語小笑話推薦

A Useful Way 一個有效的方法

Father: Jack，why do you drink so much water?

Jack: I have just had an apple，Dad。

Father: What“s that got to do with it?

Jack: I forgot to wash the apple。

爸爸：杰克，你干嘛喝這么多水呀?

杰克：我剛才吃了個蘋果，爸爸。

爸爸：可是這跟喝水有什么關系呢?

杰克：我忘了洗蘋果呀。

篇二：英語小笑話

我根本就看不見

After supper，the parents were busy playing mah-jong with the guests。At this point the mother thought of something and said to her son who was watching TV，”Honey，go see if the kitchen light is on or not?“ After a while，her son returnedand said，”Ma，the kitchen is so dark that I cannot see it at all。“

晚飯后，父親和母親都忙著和客人玩麻將，這時母親忽然想起點兒事來，便對正在看電視的兒子說道：“寶貝，去看看廚房里的燈是不是還開著呢?” 過了一會兒，兒子回來說：“媽，廚房里太黑了，我根本就看不見。”

篇三：英語小笑話

Toms excuse 湯姆的借口

Teacher: Tom，why are you late for school every day?

Tom: Every time I e to the corner，a sign says，School-Go Slow。

教師：湯姆，您為什么每一天上學遲到?

湯姆：我每次走過拐角，一個路標上頭寫著：學校----慢行。

篇四：英語小笑話

三只烏龜

Three turtles decided to have a cup of coffee。Just as they got into the cafe，it started to rain。

The biggest turtle said to the smallest one，” Go home and get the umbrella。“

The little turtle replied，”I will，if you dont drink my offee。“

”We wont，“ the other two promised。

Two years later the big turtle said to the middle turtle，”Well，I guess he isnt ing back，so we might as well drink his coffee。“

Just then a voice called from outside the door，”If you do，I wont go。“

三只烏龜決定去喝咖啡。它們剛到咖啡店的門口，就下起雨來。于是最大的那只烏龜對最小的烏龜說，“回家去取傘吧。”

最小的烏龜說，“如果你們不把我的咖啡喝了，我就去。”

“我們不喝，”另外兩只烏龜答應說。

兩年后，大烏龜對中烏龜說，“好吧，我猜他肯定不回來了，我們能夠把它的咖啡喝掉了。”

正在這時，一個聲音從門外傳來，“你們要是喝了，我就不去。”

篇五：英語小笑話

”Excuse me，but the seat youve taken is mine。“

”Yours?Can you prove it?“

”Yes，I put a cup of ice cream on it。“

”請原諒，你占了我的位置。“

”你的位置?你能征明這點嗎?“

”能，我在位置上放了杯冰激凌。“

篇六：英語小笑話

孩子的祈禱

Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents house。At bedtime，the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers，when the younger one began praying at the top of his lungs: ”I pray for a bicycle。I pray for a new toy。“

兩個小男孩在祖父母家過夜。睡覺的時候，兩個小男孩跪在床邊開始祈禱，這時小一些的孩子扯開嗓子大聲喊道：“我祈求得到一輛自行車。我祈求有一個新玩具。”

His older brother leaned over，nudged him and said，”Why are you shouting your prayers? God isnt deaf。“

他的哥哥靠過來，用肘輕碰他說：“你為什么這么大聲喊叫呢？上帝又不是聾子。”

To which the little brother replied，”No，but Grandma is!“

弟弟回答說：“是的，可是奶奶聽不到呀！”

篇七：英語小笑話

The poor husband

”You cant imagine how difficult it is for me to deal with my wife，“ the man plained to his friend。”She asks me a question，then answers it herself，and after that she explained to me for half an hour why my answer is wrong。

可憐的丈夫

“你根本無法想象和我妻子打交道是多么的難，”一個男人對他的朋友訴苦說，“她問我一個問題，然后自我回答了，過后又花半個小時跟我解釋為什么我的答案是錯的。”

篇八：英語小笑話

Where is the father?

Two brothers were looking at some beautiful paintings。

“Look，” said the elder brother。“How nice these paintings are!”

“Yes，” said the younger，“but in all these paintings there is only the mother and the children。Where is the father?”

The elder brother thought for a moment and then explained，“Obviously he was painting the pictures。”

父親在哪兒?

兄弟倆在看一些漂亮的油畫。

“看，”哥哥說，“這些畫多漂亮呀!”

“是啊，”弟弟說道，“可是在所有這些畫中，僅有媽媽和孩子。那爸爸去哪兒了呢?”

哥哥想了會兒，然后解釋道：“很明顯，他當時正在畫這些畫唄。”

篇九：英語小笑話

Put your feet in

The school girl was sitting with her feet streched far out into the aisle，and was busily chewing gum，when the teacher espied her。“Mary!” called the teacher sharply。“Yes，Madam?” questioned the pupil，“Take that gum out of your mouth and put your feet in!”

把腳放進去

一個女學生坐在座位上，嘴里起勁地嚼著口香糖，腳卻伸到課桌間的走道里，被教師發現了。“瑪麗!”教師嚴厲地叫她。“什么事，教師?”這女學生問。“把口香糖從嘴里拿出來，把腳放進去。”

篇十：英語小笑話

Intelligent son

One day，the father lets eight year-old son send a letter，the son took the letter，the father then remembered didnt write the address and addressees name on the envelope。

After the son es back，the father asks him: “You have thrown the letter in the mail box?”

“Certainly”

“You have not seen on the envelope not to write the address and the addressee name?”

“I certainly saw nothing written on the envelope。”

“Then why you didnt take it back?”

“I also thought that you do not write the address and the addressee，is for does not want to let me know that you do send the letter to who!”

聰明的兒子

有一天，父親讓八歲的兒子去寄一封信，兒子已經拿著信跑了，父親才想起信封上沒寫地址和收信人的名字。

兒子回來后，父親問他:“你把信丟進郵筒了嗎?” “當然”“你沒看見信封上沒有寫地址和收信人名字嗎?”

“我當然看見信封上什么也沒寫”“那你為什么不拿回來呢?”

“我還以為你不寫地址和收信人，是為了不想讓我明白你把信寄給誰呢!”

篇十一：英語小笑話

Dentist: Please stop howling。I havent even touched your tooth yet。

Patient: I know。But you are standing on my foot!

牙醫：請不要再叫了，我都還沒有挨著你的牙齒啊!

病人：可是，親，你可明白，你踩到我腳了！!

篇十二：英語小笑話

A father of five came home with a toy，summoned his children and asked which one of them should be given the present，“Who is the most obedient，never talks back to mother and does everything he or she is told?” he inquired。There was silence and then a chorus of voices: “You play with it，Daddy!”

一個有五個孩子的父親帶著一件玩具回到家里，把孩子們召集來問這件禮物應當給誰。“誰最聽話，從不和媽媽頂嘴，讓干什么就干什么?”他問道。大家都不吭聲。過了一會兒，孩子們異口同聲地說：“爸爸，您玩兒吧。”

篇十三：英語小笑話

Let Dog in Hotel

A man wrote a letter to a small hotel he planned to visit on his vacation: “I would very much like to bring my dog with me。He is well-groomed and very well behaved。Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?”

An immediate reply came from the hotel owner，who said，“Ive been operating this hotel for many years。In all that time，Ive never had a dog steal towels，bedclothes，silverware or pictures off the walls。Ive never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly。And Ive never had a dog run out on a hotel bill。Yes，indeed，your dog is wele at my hotel。And，if your dog will vouch for you，youre wele to stay here，too。”

一個人給一家他計劃在假期里停留的小旅館寫了封信，“我十分期望帶著我的狗，它很干凈很有教養，你能允許它和我睡一間屋子嗎?”

旅館主人立即回了封信，“我經營旅館很多年了，狗從沒偷過毛巾，床單，餐具，或者墻上的畫。我也從沒有在半夜因為狗喝醉胡鬧而趕走它，狗也從不不付帳就跑掉。實際上我們十分歡迎您的狗來我們旅館，如果它為您擔保，也歡迎您來。

篇十四：英語小笑話

Guest: “Why does your dog sit there and watch me eat?”

Hotel Host: “I cant imagine，unless its because you have the plate he usually eats from。”

客人：“為什么你的狗狗坐在那兒老是看著我吃東西呢?”

旅館主人：“我不敢想象，除非是因為你拿了它經常用來吃東西的'盤子了。”

篇十五：英語小笑話

Kate: Mom，do you know what Im going to give you for your birthday?

Mom: No，Honey，what?

Kate: A nice teapot。

Mom: But Ive got a nice teapot。

Kate: No，you havent。Ive just dropped it。

凱特：媽媽，你明白我要給你一件什么生日禮物嗎?

媽媽：不明白，寶貝，是什么呀?

凱特：一把漂亮的茶壺。

媽媽：可是我已經有一把漂亮的茶壺了呀。

凱特：不，你沒有了。我剛剛把它給摔了。

篇十六：英語小笑話

George es from school on the first of September。

“George，how did you like your new teacher?” asked his mother。

“I didnt like her，Mother，because she said that three and three were six and then she said that two and four were six too。。”

9月1日，喬治放學回到家里。

“喬治，你喜歡你們的新教師嗎？” 媽媽問。

“媽媽，我不喜歡，因為她說3加3得6，可之后又說2加4也得6。”

篇十七：英語小笑話

Dentist: Im sorry，madam，but Ill have to charge you twenty-five dollars for pulling your sons tooth。

Mother: Twenty-five dollars!But I thought you only charged five dollars for an extraction。

Dentist: I usually do。But your son yelled so loud，he scared four other patients out of the office。

昂貴的代價

牙科醫生：對不起，夫人，為給您的兒子拔牙，我得收二十五美元。

母親：二十五美元!可是我明白您拔一顆牙只要五美元呀?

牙科醫生：是的。可是您兒子這么大聲地叫喚，他都嚇跑四位病人了

篇十八：英語小笑話

Does the dog know the proverb，too?

The little boy did not like the look of the barking dog。

“Its all right，” said a gentleman，“dont be afraid。Dont you know the proverb: Barking dogs dont bite?”

“Ah，yes，” answered the little boy。“I know the proverb，but does the dog know the proverb，too?”

狗也明白這個諺語嗎?

一個小男孩十分不喜歡狗狂叫的樣貌。

“沒有關系，”一位先生說，“不用害怕，你明白這條諺語嗎：‘吠狗不咬人。’”

“啊，我是明白，可是狗也明白嗎?”

篇十九：英語小笑話

“Tom, whats the matter with your brother?” asked the mother in the kitchen.“Hes crying.”

“Oh, nothing, Mum,” replied Tom.“Im eating my cake.He is crying because I wont give him any.”

“But has he finished his own cake?”

“Yes.” said Tom.“And he also cried when I was helping him finish that.”

“湯姆，你弟弟怎么了？” 媽媽在廚房里問。“他在哭。”

“沒事兒，媽媽，” 湯姆答道。“我在吃我的蛋糕。他哭是因為我不給他吃。”

“他已經吃完自己的了么？”

“是的。” “我幫他吃完時，他也哭了。”

篇二十：英語小笑話

A professor was giving a big test one day to his students。He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait。

Once the test was over the students all handed the tests back in。The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying “A dollar per point。”

The next class the professor handed the tests back out。This student got back his test and $64 change。

一天，教授正在給學生們監考。他發下試卷，然后回到講臺前等待。

考試結束了，學生們紛紛交回試卷。教授發現一張試卷上別著一張百元鈔票，還有一張紙條寫著：“一分一塊錢。”

第二堂課，教授把試卷都發回學生們手中。其中一個學生不但得到了試卷還得到64塊錢的找零。

篇二十一：英語小笑話

它咬人嗎

Before the final examination, Tom told his mother, “Mom, I had a dream last night that I'd passed today's exam.”

“Don't trust dreams, dear.It is said what you experience in dreams usually turns out to be the opposite.” Mother replied.“Then I do hope I'll fail the other subjects in my dream tonight,” Tom said.在期末考試之前，湯姆告訴他的母親：“媽媽，我昨天晚上做了一個夢，夢見我通過了今天的考試。”

“不要相信夢，親愛的。據說夢中的經歷通常與現實相反。”媽媽答道。

“那么，我真希望在今晚的夢中，我的其他功課都不及格。”湯姆說。

兩顆心臟在跳動

Nurse: How do you feel after your operation?

Patient: Quite alright, only I can feel two hearts beating inside me.Nurse: No wonder the doctor who operated on you was looking for his watch everywhere just now.護士：手術后你感覺怎樣?

病人：十分好，只是我能感覺到我體內有兩顆心臟在跳動。

護士：怪不得給你做手術的大夫剛才在到處尋找他的手表。

生日

Professor: When is your birthday?

Kid: May 30.Professor: Which year?

Kid: Every year.教授：你的生日是什么時候?

孩子：5月30日。

教授：哪一年?

孩子：每年都是。

篇二十二：英語新年小笑話

英語小笑話：It's His Fault

It's His Fault

Billy and Bobby were small boys.They were brothers, and they often had fights with each other.Last Saturday their mother said to them, I'm going to cook our lunch now.Go out and play in the garden and be good.Yes, Mummy, the two boys answered, and they went out.They played in the garden for half an hour, and then Billy ran into the kitchen.Mummy, he said, Bobby's broken a window in Mrs.Allen's house.Mrs.Allen was one of their neighbors.He's a bad boy, his mother said.How did he break it?

I threw a stone at him, Billy answered, and he quickly moved down.是他的錯

比利和波比都是小男孩。他們是兄弟，兩人經常打架。

上個星期六，他們的媽媽對他們說，我現在要做午飯了。去，到花園去玩吧，別淘氣。

是，媽媽，兩個男孩回答，然后他們就出去了。

他們在花園里玩了半個小時，然后比利跑進了廚房。媽媽，他說，波比打碎了艾倫太太家的窗玻璃。艾倫太太是他們的鄰居。

他是個壞孩子，他的媽媽說，他是怎么把玻璃打碎的?

我朝他扔了一塊石子，比利回答道，他趕緊蹲下。

英語小笑話：A physics Examination 一次物理考試

Once in a physics examination, Nick finished the first question very soon, while his classmates were thinking it hard.The question was: When it thunders why do we see the lighting first, then hear the thunderrolls?

Nick's answer: Because our eyes are before ears.在一次物理考試時，當同學們都還在苦思冥想時，尼克很快就答好了第一個問題。

這個問題是：為什么在打雷時，我們總是先看到閃電后聽到雷聲?

尼克的回答是：因為眼睛在前，耳朵在后。

英語小笑話：Excited Remarks 激動的話

Our son, at age of five, had a fascination for motorcycles.The sight of one would always bring forth squeals(長聲尖叫)of delight, accompanied by excited remarks of Look at that!Look at that!I'm going to have one of those someday, his dad's response always was Not as long as I'm alive.One day, while our son was talking to a little friend, a motorcycle passed by.He excitedly pointed it out to the boy and exclaimed, Look at that!Look at that!I'm getting one of those as soon as my dad dies.我五歲的兒子對摩托車有強烈的愛好。只要看見一輛摩托車，他就會高興得哇哇直叫，并激動地說：瞧這輛!瞧這輛，我總有一天也要有一輛。他爸爸的回答老是只要我活著，你就別想有這玩藝兒。

一天我們的兒子跟他的小朋友在說話，有一輛摩托車開了過去。他興奮的指著摩托車叫道瞧這輛!瞧這輛!等我爸一死我就要有這樣一輛摩托車了。

英語小笑話：Logic Reasoning 邏輯推理

A fourth-grade teacher was giving her pupils a lesson on logic.Here is the situation, she said.A man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a river, fishing.He loses his balance, falls in, and begins splashing and yelling for help.His wife hears the commotion, knows that he can't swim, and runs down to the bank.Why do you think she ran to the bank?

A girl raised her hand and asked, to draw out all of his savings?

小學四年級的教師正在給學生們上一堂邏輯課。她舉了這么一個例子：有這樣一種情況，一個男人在河中心的船上釣魚，突然失去重心掉進了水里。于是他開始掙扎并喊救命。

他的妻子聽到了他的喊聲，知道他并不會游泳，所以她就急忙跑向河岸。誰能告訴我這是為什么? 一個女生舉手答道，是不是去取他的存款?

英語小笑話：Whose father was the stronger

Will and Bill were quarrelling about whose father was the stronger.Will said, “Well, you know the Pacific Ocean ? My father's the one who dug the hole for it.”

Bill wasn't impressed, “Well, that's nothing.You know the Dead Sea ? My father's the one who killed it!”

維爾和比爾在爭吵，誰的爸爸是更強壯的一個。維爾說：“你知道太平洋嗎? 那個坑是我爸爸挖的。”

比爾不屑地說：“那沒什么。你知道死海嗎? 那是我爸爸打死的。”

英語小笑話：Persistance 纏住不放

Returning from a golf outing(遠足，短途旅行), my husband was greeted at the door by Sara, our four-year-old daughter.Daddy, who won the golf game? You or Uncle Richie?

Uncle Richie and I don't play golf to win, my husband hedged(避免作正面答復).We just play to have fun.Undaunted, Sare said, Okay, Daddy, who had more fun?

丈夫打完高爾夫球回來，我們四歲的女兒莎拉在門口迎了上去。爸爸，誰贏了高爾夫球比賽，是你還是理查叔叔?

我和理查叔叔打高爾夫球不是為贏，丈夫推諉說。我們打球只是為了好玩而已。

莎拉毫不氣餒，又問：那么，爸爸，誰覺得更好玩呢?

篇二十三：趣味英語小笑話

下面是關于父親的趣味英語笑話兩則，看看吧!

One

Poor Preacher

窮困潦倒的傳教士

After the church service a little boy told the pastor, “When I grow up, I'm going to give you some money.”

禮拜后男孩問牧師：“我長大后會給你一些錢。”

“Well, thank you,” the pastor replied, “but why?”

“好啊，謝謝你。”牧師回答道：“不過為什么?”

“Because my daddy says you're one of the poorest preachers we've ever had.”

“因為我爸爸說你是我們見過的最窮的傳教士之一。”

Two

Setting the Table

擺桌子

Little Susan was mother's helper.She helped set the table when guests were due for dinner.Presently everything was on, the guest came in, and everyone sat down.Then Mother noticed something was missing.小蘇珊是媽媽的好幫手。她在有客人來家里就餐時幫忙擺桌子。現在一切準備就緒，客人走進，所有人都坐好了。媽媽突然發現缺了什么。

“Susan,” she said, “You didn't put a knife and fork at Mr.Smith's place.”

“蘇珊。”她說道：“你忘了在史密斯先生那里放刀叉了。”

“I thought he wouldn't need them,” explained Susan.“我以為他不需要那些。”蘇珊解釋道。

“Daddy says he always eats like a horse!”

“爸爸說他總是吃得像馬一樣!”

篇二十四：英語的經典小笑話

1.what's the longest word in the world?世界上最長的單詞是什么?

答：smiles.because there's a mile between the letter 's'.微笑。因為兩個字母s中間隔了一里。

2.what question is that to which you must always answer “yes”? 什么問題你只能回答“yes”?

答：“what does y-e-s spell?”(當別人問你)“yes”怎么拼?

3.where were you when the power was cut off? 當停電的時候你在哪?

答：in the darkness.在黑暗中

4.what question can never be answered by “yes”?(哪個問題永遠不能回答“是的”?)

答：are you asleep?(你睡著了嗎)

5.what tree is always very sad?(那種樹總是很傷心?)

答：weeping willow.(垂柳 weep哭泣 willow柳樹)

6.why are people tired on April fool's day?(愚人節人們為什么疲倦?)

答：because they have just had a long march.(因為他們剛過了長長的三月。march 三月;行軍)

7.what weather do mice and rats fear?(老鼠害怕什么天氣?)

答：when it's raining cats and dogs.(下大雨。rain cats and dogs 下大雨)

8.when do dogs refuse to follow their masters?(狗什么時候不愿跟隨主人?

答：when their masters go to the flea market.(主人去跳蚤市場時。flea 跳蚤 flea market 舊貨市場)

9.when can you get water with a net?(什么時候可以用網兜裝水?)

答：when water is turned into ice.(當水結成冰時)

10.why is the pig always eating?豬為什么沒完沒了地吃?

答：he's making a hog of himself.它想成為一只肉豬。

1.解壓經典小笑話

2.八個經典小笑話

3.爆笑經典小笑話

4.超經典的精品小笑話

5.幽默經典小笑話

6.兒童經典小笑話

7.爆笑的經典小笑話

8.經典幽默小笑話

9.最新職場經典小笑話

10.冷翻人的經典小笑話

篇二十五：趣味幽默英語小笑話

趣味幽默英語小笑話：沒把頭發全剪掉啊

Miles sometime went to the barber's during working hours to have his hair cut.But this was against the office rules: clerks had to have their hair cut in their own time.While Miles was at the barber's one day, the manager of the office came in by chance to have his own hair cut and sat just beside him.麥爾斯有時在上班時間去理發館理發，但這是違反辦公室規定的：職員只能利用自己的時間理發。一天，正當麥爾斯理發時，經理碰巧也進來理發，而且就坐在他旁邊。

“Hello, Miles,” the manager said.“I see that you are having your hair cut in office time.”

“你好，麥爾斯，”經理說。“我看到你在上班時間理發了。”

“Yes, sir, I am,” admitted Miles calmly.“You see, sir, it grows in office time.”

“是的，先生。正是這樣。”麥爾斯平靜地承認了。“可先生，你看，頭發是在上班時間長的。”

“Not all of it,” said the manager at once.“Some of it grows in your own time.”

“不全都是吧，”經理立刻說，“有一些是在你自己的時間里長的。”

“Yes, sir, that's quite true.” Answered Miles politely, “but I'm not having it all cut off.”

“對呀，先生，你說得很對。”麥爾斯禮貌地回答說，“但我并沒有把頭發全都剪掉啊。”

趣味幽默英語小笑話：以“命”抵命

The English author, Richard Savage, was once living inLondon in great poverty.In order to earn a little money he hadwritten the story of his life, but not many copies of the bookhad been sold in the shops, and Savage was living from hand tomouth.As a result of his lack of food he became very ill, but after a time, owing to the skill of the doctor who had lookedafter him, he got well again.英國作家理查德?薩維奇一度在倫敦過著貧困潦倒的生活，為了賺幾個錢，他曾寫了有關他自己生平的故事。但是這部書在書店里并沒有賣出幾本，薩維奇過著朝不保夕的日子。由于缺乏食物，他病得很厲害。后來，由于給他治療的那個醫生的高明醫術，他才又恢復了健康。

After a week or two the doctorsent a bill to Savage for his visits, but poor Savage hadn't anymoney and couldn't pay it.The doctor waited for another month and sent the bill again.But still no money came.Afterseveral weeks he sent it to him again asking for his money.Inthe end he came to Savage's house and asked him for payment, saying to Savage, “You know you owe your life to me and Iexpected some gratitude from you.”

過了一兩個星期之后，醫生給薩維奇送來了一張討要診費的帳單，但是貧窮的薩維奇沒有錢來償付。醫生等了一個月后又送來了帳單，但仍然未索回分文。幾個星期之后，他又送來帳單要錢。最后，醫生本人來到了薩維奇的家中，對他說：“你明白，你是欠我一條命的，我希望你有所報答。”

“I agree,” said Savage, “that I owe my life to you, and toprove to you that I am not ungrateful for your work I will givemy life to you.”

“是的，”薩維奇說，“我是欠你一條命，為了向你證明我對你的診治不是不報答，我將把我的命給你。”

With these words he handed to him two volumes entitled,The life of Richard Savage.說著這番話，薩維奇遞給醫生兩卷書，名叫《理查德?薩維奇的一生》。

篇二十六：有趣的英語小笑話

有趣的英語小笑話，快來笑一笑吧!

After the first day of the school, a first-grade student was asked by his father，“What does your new teacher look like”

有一個一年級的學生一天放學回家，爸爸問他:“你的新老師長的什么樣?”

”Just like my kindergarten teacher,”the child answered，“Only with a different head.”

“跟我的幼兒園老師一樣，”孩子回答:“只是頭不一樣。”

二

1.A Half-price Ticket

半價票

”How much is the movie ticket?“

“電影票多少錢一張?”

”Ten dollars, kid.“

“10美元，孩子。”

”I only have five dollars.Please let me in.I'll see it only with one eye.“

“我只有5美元。請讓我進去吧，我只用一中眼睛看。”

三

02：考試不及格。

2.Failure in a Test

考試不及格

Mother: Why did you get such a low mark on that test?

媽媽:這次測試你為什么得這么低的分?

Kid: Because of absence.孩子:因為缺考。

Mother: You mean you were absent on the day of the test?

媽媽：你的意思是考試那天你沒去?

Kid: No, but the kid who sits next to me was.孩子:不是，是坐在我旁邊的孩子沒來。

篇二十七：2分鐘英語小故事笑話

John is not a “good” student.He always sleeps in the class.Today he sleeps again.“John!” Teacher says angrily.“What? What’s wrong?” John is awaken.“Why do you make a face? It’s classroom.Look!Everyone is laughing.” Teacher says.“No one is laughing.” Teacher says.“No, it’s not me.I was not making a face.I was sleeping.” John fells upset.“Um.Not bad.You can admit your fault.You are still a good boy.” Teacher is satisfied with it.認錯

約翰并不是個“好”學生。他總是在上課的時候睡覺。今天他又睡著了。

“約翰!”老師生氣地喊他。

“什么?出什么事了?”約翰醒了。

“你為什么要做鬼臉?這是教室!看看!同學們都在笑!”老師生氣地說。

“沒有人在笑呀。”其他同學笑聲地嘀咕。

“不，不是我。我沒有做鬼臉。剛才我睡著了。”約翰感到不安。

“嗯，還不錯。你承認自己的錯誤，還是給好孩子”老師為此感到滿意。

篇二十八：2分鐘英語小故事笑話

Tom is a very old man.After dinner, he likes walking in the street.And he goes to bed at seven o’clock.But tonight, a car stopped at his house.A policeman helps him get out.He tells Tom’s wife, “The old man couldn’t find his way in the street.He asked me to take him in the car.”

After the policeman leaves there, his wife asks, “Tom, you go to the street every night.But tonight you can’t find the way, what’s the matter?”

The old man smiles like a child and says, “I couldn’t find my way? I didn’t want to walk home.”

我不想走回家

湯姆是一位老人，他喜歡在晚飯后到大街上散步，在7點回來睡覺。

但是，今天晚上一輛小汽車停在他家門前，湯姆在一位警察的幫助下走下汽車。警察告訴湯姆的妻子：“這位老人在街上迷路了，他讓我用汽車送他回來。”

警察走后：“湯姆，你每天都到那條街上散步，但是今天你迷路了，你怎么了?”

這位老人像孩子般的笑道：“我迷路了?我是不想走路回家。”

2分鐘英語小故事笑話_英語幽默笑話小故事

篇二十九：英語小笑話帶翻譯

1。ass and man

驢和買驢的人

A man wanted to buy an ass。He went to the market，and saw a likely one。But he wanted to

test him first。So he took the ass home，and put him into the stable with the other asses。

The new ass looked around，and immediately went to choose a place next to the laziest ass in

the stable。When the man saw this he put a halter on the ass at once，and gave him back to

his owner。The owner felt quite surprised。He asked the man，”Why are you back so soon? Have

you tested him already?“ ”I don't want to test him any more，“ replied the man，”From the

panion he chose for himself，I could see what sort of animal he is。“

中文：一個買主到市場上去買驢，他看中一頭外表不錯的驢，可是他想要牽走試一試。他把驢牽回家，放

在自我其他的驢之間，這驢四處看看，立即走向一頭好吃懶做的驢旁邊。于是，買驢的人立刻給那頭驢套

上轡頭，牽去還給驢的賣主。賣主感到很奇怪，他問買主：“你怎樣這么快就回來了?”買主說：“不必

再試了，從他所選擇什么樣的朋友來看，我已經明白他是什么樣了。”

2。A mother mouse

老鼠的第二語言也重要

A mother mouse was out for a stroll with her babies when she

spotted a cat crouched behind a bush。She watched the cat，and

the cat watched the mice。

Mother mouse barked fiercely，”Woof，woof，woof!“ The cat

was so terrified that it ran for it's life。

Mother mouse turned to her babies and said，”Now，do you

understand the value of a second language?“

一只母老鼠帶著孩子出來散步，突然她看見一只貓正在灌木叢中虎視耽耽。

母老鼠向著貓叫道：“汪，汪，汪”，貓聽了十分害怕，拼命跑走了。

母老鼠回過頭洋洋自得的對孩子說：“此刻你明白外語的重要性了吧。”

3。The Looney Bin

瘋人院

Late one night at the insane asylum(瘋人院)one inmate shouted，”I am Napoleon!“

Another one said，”How do you know?“

The first inmate said，”God told me!“

Just then，a voice from another room shouted，”I did not!“

一天晚上，在瘋人院里，一個病人說：”我是拿破侖!“另一個說：”你怎樣明白?“第一個人說：”上帝對

我說的!“一會兒，一個聲音從另一個房間傳來：”我沒說!“

Notes:

(1)Looney(俚語)瘋子

(2)inmate(n。同住者，同室者(特指在醫院、監獄))

(3)insane asylum(瘋人院)

篇三十：英語小笑話帶翻譯

小妹妹

Nurse: Don't you like your new baby sister，Johnnie?

保育員：約翰尼，你難道不喜歡你的小妹妹嗎?

Johnnie: She's all right，but I wish she had been a boy。Willie Smith had got a new sister，and now he'll think I'm trying to copy him。

約翰尼：那倒不是。她要是個男孩就好了。威利有了一個新生的小妹妹，此刻他該認為我又在學他的樣貌了。

我教教師

Mother asked her little boy，”Darling，what did the teacher teach you today?“

母親問她年幼的兒子：“寶貝，今日教師教了你些什么?”

”Nothing，Mum，“ answered the son proundly，”instead，she asked me how much one plus two was，and I told her three。“

兒子驕傲地說：“什么都沒教，媽媽。她反倒問我一加二等于幾，我告訴她等于三。”

篇三十一：英語小笑話帶翻譯

She was so excited and anxious to tell him。She said，”I've bought two presents for your birthday，dear。I would tell you now because I can't wait until that day。One present is a mat to put in front of my dressing table。Another one is a bronze statuette(小雕像)for the drawing room mantelpiece。“ And then she added: ”Now me?“

Her husband thought for a while and then replied: ”I'd better get you a new razor and some ties，so that we may exchange presents with each other。“

有個女人給她的丈夫買了生日禮物。

她很激動，并且急于要告訴她的丈夫。她說：“親愛的，我買了兩樣東西給你做生日禮物。我此刻就要告訴你，因為我等不得到那一天才說。一件禮物是一個地墊，能夠放在我的梳妝臺前。另一件是一個青銅的小雕像，能夠放在客廳的壁爐架上”她還說：“好啦，你準備給我買什么呢?”

她的丈夫想了一會就說：“我最好是給你買一個刮胡刀和幾條領帶。這樣我們就能夠互相交換禮物了。”

篇三十二：英語小笑話帶翻譯

A private didn't notice a young lieutenant and failed to salute him。The lieutenant said sternly，”You did not salute me。For this you must immediately salute one hundred times。“

Just then the general came up。When he saw the poor private about to begin，he exclaimed，”What's all this?“

The lieutenant explained，”This ignoramus(無知的人)failed to salute me。I'm making his salute one hundred times as a punishment。”

“Quite right，” replied the general smiling，“But do not forget，sir，that upon each occasion you are to salute return。”

有個士兵沒有注意到一個年輕的陸軍中尉，沒有向他敬禮。中尉很嚴厲地對那個士兵說：“你沒有向我敬禮，所以你要立刻敬100個禮。”

這時候將軍過來了。他看到那個可憐的士兵就要開始敬禮時，就大聲問道：“這是怎樣啦?”

中尉解釋說：“這個蠢貨沒有向我敬禮，我就罰他立刻向我敬一百個禮。”

將軍笑著說：“完全正確。可是，老弟，別忘了他向你每敬一個禮，你都要回禮的啊!”

篇三十三：英語小笑話帶翻譯

While the doctor was looking over the man，his wife kept fussing(煩躁，發牢騷)andjabbering(快而含糊地說)all the time。The doctor told her: “Your husband must get absolute rest and quiet。” Then he left some sleeping pills。

The man's wife asked，“When do I dive them to my husband?” The doctor replied，“No，they are not for him。They are for you。You need them。”

有個人生病了。他的妻子請了一位醫生來給他治病。

醫生在給他治療的時候，他的妻子一向大驚小怪，神神叨叨地緊張不安。醫生對她說：“你的丈夫必須絕對休息和堅持安靜。” 然后他就留下了一些。

她問醫生：“什么時候給我丈夫吃這些藥呀!”醫生回答說：“不用，這些藥不是給他吃的，是給你吃的，你需要。”

篇三十四：英語小笑話帶翻譯

The Use of a Handsaw

At the mall，my wife and I picked up some hardware items，including a handsaw。We were heading back to the car when we passed a steakhouse。

Let's try it。“ my wife suggested。Although I felt a little foolish carrying the saw，I followed her inside。

Scanning the menu，my wife told the waitress，” I' 11 have chopped sirloin，please。

The waitress turned to me，eyed my saw and mented，“And I see that。you，sir，have e for our T-bone special。

在集市上，我和妻子買了一些五金用品，包括一個手鋸。我們回到汽車時剛好走過一家牛排店。“我們嘗嘗吧，”我妻子提議說。盡管我覺得拿著鋸有點傻乎乎的，但還是隨她走了進去。我妻子掃視了一下菜單對女招待說：“請給我來一份炒牛腰片。” 女招待轉向我，看了看我的鋸，說道：“我能看出，先生，你是來吃我們的T形骨特色菜的。”

A Woman's answer

A husband said to his wife，” Why did God create women to be beautiful but foolish?“

”Well，“ his wife answered at once。” The reason is very simple。God made us beautiful so men would love us;God made us foolish so we would marry them。“

一位丈夫對他的妻子說：“為什么上帝把婦女創造得如此美麗卻又愚蠢呢？” “噢，”他的妻子立刻回答道，“原因很簡單。上帝使我們如此美麗，男人才會愛我們。上帝使我們如此愚蠢，我們才會嫁給他們。”

Only One Eye to Settle On

The girl found the go-between and said，”You cheated me!One of his eyes is not true。Why didn't you tell me this before ?“

”I have told you。“ said the go-between with justice on his side，When you met first，I told you that he settled on you with one eye。

姑娘找到媒人，說：“你欺騙了我。他的一只眼是假眼，你以前為什么不告訴我？” “怎樣沒告訴你？”媒人也不甘示弱，“你們第一回見面后，我就說，他一眼就看中你了。”

You May Select能夠選擇

The husband plained that his wife always cooked the same dish。

One day，the husband got home and asked his wife，”My dear，what will we eat today?“

The wife said，”You may select the dish today。“

The husband was very glad and asked，”Which dishes are there today?“

”Cabbage。“

”The others?“

”None。“

”Then how to select?“

”Eat or not eat!“ the wife said。

丈夫抱怨妻子總是做同樣的一種菜。

一天，丈夫回到家，問妻子：“親愛的，今日我們吃啥菜？”

妻子回答：“今日你能夠選擇。” 丈夫感到十分高興，又問：“都有哪些菜呢？”

“炒白菜。”

“還有呢？”

“沒了。”

“那你要我怎樣選呢？”

“吃還是不吃！”妻子一本正經地說道。

Two roaches 兩只蟑螂

Two roaches were munching on garbage in an alley when one engages a discussion about a new restaurant。”I was in that new restaurant across the street，“ said one。”It's so clean!The kitchen is spotless，and the floors are gleaming white。There is no dirt anywhere--it's so sanitary that the whole place shines。“"Please，” said the other roach frowning。“Not while I'm eating!”

兩只蟑螂正在一條小巷的垃圾堆上大吃著，其中的一只談起了它在一家新開張的餐館里的經歷。“那時我在街對面的那家新餐館里，”它說。“那里太干凈了！廚房沒有一點污漬，地面閃著白光。任何地方都沒有垃圾。那里是如此干凈，整個地方都在發光。”“請不要在我吃東西的時候說這個好嗎？”另一只蟑螂不悅地說。

篇三十五：英語小笑話帶翻譯

是哪兩個詞？

What Are The Two Words？A very nice old lady had a few words to say to her granddaughter．“My dear，” said the old lady，“I wish you would do something for me．I wish you would promise me never to use two words．One is‘lousy’and the other is‘swell’．Would you promise me that？ “Why，sure，Granny，”said the girl．“What are the two words？”

一個十分高貴的老夫人有幾句話要對她的孫女說。“我親愛的，”老夫人說：“我期望你能幫我一個忙。我要你答應永遠不要用兩個詞。一個是‘厭惡的’，另一個是‘極好的’。你能答應我嗎？” “噢，當然，奶奶。”女孩說：“是哪兩個詞？”

兩顆番茄

he first tomato has no answer，the second tomato asked again。The tomato has no answer，so the second tomato asked again。The first tomato finally turned slowly，said: “we are not tomatoes? We can talk?”

兩顆番茄去逛街，第一顆番茄突然走得很快，第二顆番茄就問：“我們要去哪里？” 第一顆番茄沒有回答，第二顆番茄又問了一次。第一顆番茄還沒回答，所以第二顆番茄又問了一次。第一顆番茄最終慢慢轉頭說：“我們不是番茄嗎？我們會說話嗎？”

相同的職責

The Same DutiesA retired four-star general ran into his former orderly，also retired，in a Manhattan bar and spent the rest of the evening persuading him to e work for him as his valet。“Your duties will be exactly the same as they were in the army，” the general said。“Nothing to it-you'll catch on again fast。” Next morning promptly at eight o'clock，the ex-orderly entered the ex-general's bedroom，pulled open the drapes，gave the general a gentle shake，strode around the other side of the bed，spanked his employer's wife on her bottom and said，“OK，sweetheart，it's back to the village for you。”

相同的職責一個退休的四星級將軍在曼哈頓的一個酒吧偶然地遇到了他以前的勤務兵，勤務兵也退休在家。這位將軍花了一整個晚上的時光來說服他回來做他的貼身隨從。“你的職責與在軍隊時完全一樣，”將軍說，“這沒什么，你很快就會再次理解它的。” 第二天早晨八點鐘時，前勤務兵迅速地進到前將軍的臥室，拉開窗簾，輕輕地搖了搖將軍，然后大步走到床的另一側，在他雇主的妻子屁股上拍了一下，說道：“好了，甜心，你該回到村莊去了。”

你爺爺

A well dressed young man demanded as soon as he entered the restaurant:“Serve me，quick!Give me your best。I don't care the price。”Not like the way he talked，the waiter said to him: “Hey Buddy，it doesn't matter you have a lot of money。You are still son of somebody，and grandson of somebody else。”The young man raged: “Dare you!Tell me，who wants me to be his grandson?”The waiter replied with ease: “Nobody。Just your grandfather。”

一位衣冠楚楚的年青人一進飯店就大聲嚷嚷：“喂，有什么好菜盡管端上來，錢多少我不在乎。”服務員聽了很不是滋味：“哥兒們，錢多頂個屁，你不照樣得做別人的兒子，就是有人要你做孫子你也不敢不做！”年青人勃然大怒：“誰敢占老子的便宜？你說，是誰不要命了，膽敢要老子做他的孫子？”服務員慢條斯理地答道：“你爺爺！”

她要買什么

A store manager heard a clerk tell a customer。No，ma’am，we haven't had any for a while，and it doesn't look as if we'll be getting soon。Horrified，the manager came runningover to the customer and said，Of course，we'll have somesoon，We placed an order last week。Then the manager drew the clerk aside: Never，never，never say we are out of anything say we've got it on order and it's ing。Now what was it she wanted? Rain，said the clerk。

一個商店經理聽見一個店員對顧客說：不，夫人，這會兒沒有，一時半會兒看來也不會有。經理驚恐萬分地跑到顧客跟前說：當然，立刻就會有的。我們上周訂了貨。然后經理把店員拉到一邊：千萬，千萬，千萬不要說我們沒有什么，說我們已經訂了貨，貨立刻就到。此刻你說她要買什么？ 雨，店員說。

此刻幾點了

The two boys were camping in the backyard。When they couldn't figure out what time it was，the first boy said to the second，“Start singing very loud。”

“How will that help?” said the second boy。

“Just do it，” insisted the first。

Both boys broke into song，singing at the top of their lungs。Moments later，a neighbor threw open her window and shouted，“Keep it down!Don't you know it's three o'clock in the morning?”

兩個男孩子在后院露營，他們不明白到了晚上幾點鐘。于是，一個男孩對另外一個說：“我們開始大聲唱歌就行了。”

“那就會明白時光嗎？”第二個男孩問。

“只管唱吧。”第一個堅持道。

兩個孩子開始大聲唱歌，過了一會兒，一個鄰居打開窗戶喊道：“小聲點！你們不明白此刻是凌晨三點嗎？”

篇三十六：英語小笑話帶翻譯

frog 青蛙

Frog The science teacher lecturing his class in biology said，“Now I'll show you this frog in my pocket。” He then reached into his pocket and pulled out a chicken sandwich。He looked puzzled for a second，thought deeply，and said，“That's funny。I distinctly remember eating my lunch。”

教師正在給學生上生物課：“此刻，我將要給你們看我袋子里的這只青蛙。”之后，他把手伸進口袋，卻拿出了一份雞肉三文治。教師滿臉困惑地看了一眼，沉思了一會兒，說道：“真奇怪。我明明記得我已經把午飯吃掉了。”

相親 Blind Date

After being with her all evening，the man couldn't take another minute with his blind date。Earlier，he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him to the phone so he would have an excuse to leave。When he returned to the table，he lowered his eyes，put on a grim expression and said，“I have some bad news。My grandfather just died。”“Thank heavens，” his date replied。“If yours hadn't，mine would have had to!”

和盲約對象呆了一晚上后，男人再也受不了了。他事先安排了個朋友給他打電話，這樣他就能借故先離開了。當他回到桌邊，他垂下眼睛，裝出一副陰沉的表情，說：“有個不幸的消息，我的祖父剛剛去世了。”“謝天謝地！”他的約會對象說，“如果你的祖父不死，我的祖父就得死了！”

Lawyer and Engineer

A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean。The lawyer said，“I'm here because my house burned down，and the insurance pany paid for everything。”

“That's quite a coincidence，” said the engineer。“I'm here because my house were destroyed by a flood，and my insurance pany also paid for everything。”

The lawyer looked somewhat confused。“How do you start a flood?” he asked。

一個律師與一個工程師在加勒比海邊釣魚。律師說：“我到那里是因為我的房子被大火燒了，保險公司賠償了我所有的損失。”

“這太巧了，”工程師說，“我是因為房子被洪水沖垮了，保險公司也賠償了所有的損失。”

律師看起來有些困惑，“你是怎樣引起洪水的？”他不解的問。

篇三十七：英語小笑話帶翻譯

What Was It She Wanted？

A store manager heard a clerk tell a customer．“No，ma’am，we haven't had any for a while，and it doesn't look asif we'll be getting soon．” Horrified，the manager came runningover to the customer and said，“Of course，we'll have somesoon，We placed an order last week．” Then the manager drewthe clerk aside：“Never，never，never say we are out of anything—say we've got it on order and it's ing． Now whatwas it she wanted？” “Rain．” said the clerk．

一個商店經理聽見一個店員對顧客說：“不，夫人，這會兒沒有，一時半會兒看來也不會有。”經理驚恐萬分地跑到顧客跟前說：“當然，立刻就會有的。我們上周訂了貨。”然后經理把店員拉到一邊：“千萬，千萬，千萬不要說我們沒有什么——說我們已經訂了貨，貨立刻就到。此刻你說她要買什么？” “雨，”店員說。

A preacher is buying a parrot 傳教士買鸚鵡

A preacher is buying a parrot

Are you sure it doesnt scream，yell，or swear? asked the preacher。

Oh absolutely。Its a religious parrot，the storekeeper assures him。

Do you see those strings on his legs? When you pull the right one，he recites the lords prayer，and when you pull on the left he recites the 23rd Psalm。

Wonderful!says the preacher，but what happens if you pull both strings?

I fall off my perch，you stupid fool!screeched the parrot。

一個傳教士在買鸚鵡

“你確信它不會尖叫，大叫或詛咒別人嗎？”傳教士問。

“哦，絕對不會。它是一只虔誠的鸚鵡。”店主保證說。

“你看見它腿上的這些細繩了嗎？當你拉動右面的這根，它會背誦天主經，當你拉動左面的那根，它會背誦贊美詩”

“太棒了！”傳教士說，“可是如果我同時拉動兩條繩子，會發生什么呢？”

“我會從樹干上掉下去的，你這個笨蛋！”鸚鵡尖聲說道。

How can I get into heaven 我怎樣才能上天堂

“If I sold my house and my car，had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the poor，would I get into heaven?” I asked the children in my Sunday school class。

“No!” the children all answered。

“If I cleaned the church everyday，mowed the yard，and kept everything neat and tidy，would I get into heaven?”

Again，the answer was，“No!”

“Well，” I continued，“then how can I get into heaven?”

A five-year-old boy shouted out，“You gotta be dead!”

“如果我把房子和車賣了，在車庫舉行義賣，并把所有的錢給窮人，我能進天堂嗎？”我問主日學校的孩子。

孩子們齊聲回答：“不能！”

“那如果我每一天都打掃教堂，給院子的草坪割草，并且把東西都收拾得干凈整潔，我會上天堂嗎？”

回答還是：“不能！”“好吧，”我繼續問，“那我要怎樣才能升天堂呢？”

一個五歲的男孩兒叫道：“你得死了才行！”

I Want Her to go Nuts

Mrs。Flinders decided to have her portrait painted。She told the artist，“Paint me with diamond earrings，a diamond necklace，emerald bracelets and a ruby pendant。”

“But you're not wearing any of those things。”

“I know，” said Mrs。Flinders。“ It's in case I should die before my husband。I'm sure he'd remarry right away，and I want her to go nuts looking for the jewelry。”

福林德斯夫人決定讓人給她畫肖像。她告訴那位肖像畫家說：“畫我帶著鉆石耳環、鉆石項鏈、祖母綠手鐲，還有紅寶石垂飾。”

“但你此刻沒帶這其中的任何一樣飾品。”

“我明白。”福林德斯夫人說，“萬一我先我丈夫死去，我肯定他會立刻再婚。我要讓那個女人為尋找這些珠寶而發瘋。”

篇三十八：英語小笑話帶翻譯

英語小笑話帶翻譯

1、“Once there was a blind.One day when he was walking, hestepped the head of the dog who was sleeping.The dog barked for a while.The blind man went on for miles, this time he stepped the other dog's tail, so this dog barked.The blind man had thought that it was the first dog, so he said in surprise, It's a wonder that the dog is so long.從前有個瞎子。一天，他正在行路時踩著了一只正在睡覺的狗的腦袋，狗汪汪汪地叫了一陣。這人又往前走，這回踩著的是另外一只狗的尾巴，狗又汪汪汪地叫起來。瞎子以為還是那條狗，驚詫地說：奇怪，這只狗可真夠長的。”

2、“"i had an operation,” said a man to his friend, “and the doctor left a sponge in me.”一個男人對他的朋友說：“我動了一次手術，手術后醫生把一塊海綿忘在我的身體里了。”“that's terrible!” said the friend.“got any pain?” “真是太糟糕了！”朋友說道：“你覺得疼嗎？”“no, but i am always thirsty!” “不疼，可是我總感到口渴！”“

3、”Dan is teaching his son how to box.As he does so, he left his friend, “This is a tough world, so I’m teaching my boy to fight.” Friend: “But suppose he comes up against someone much bigger than he is, who’s also been taught how to box.” Dan: “I’m teaching him how to run, too.”丹在教他的兒子怎樣拳擊。他告訴他的朋友：“這是一個粗暴的世界，所以我要教我的兒子怎么去拼搏。”朋友：“如果他碰上的對手是一個比他高大，健壯而且也會拳擊的人怎么辦？”丹：“我也會教他怎么樣賽跑呢。”“

4、”One girl went to the preacher and confessed her sin.有個女孩向神父告解她所犯的罪...Girl: Father, I have sinned.女孩：神父，我有罪。Preacher: What did you do, little girl?神父：孩子，你犯了什么罪呢？Girl: Yesterday, I called a man a “son of a Bitch.”女孩：昨天，我罵了某個男人一句：“你這個狗娘養的。”Preacher: Why? What did he do to you?神父：為什么？他對你做了什么嗎？Girl: He touched my breast.女孩：他...他摸我的胸部。Preacher: You mean like this?(The guy did it.)神父：你是說像這樣子嗎？（神父伸手摸女孩的胸部）Girl:(A little shy from the touch)Yes.女孩：（因為神父的舉動而有一些害羞）嗯...是的。Preacher: That s no reason to call him that.神父：只是這樣子的話你沒有理由罵他。Girl: But he also took off my cloth.女孩：但是...他又把我的衣服脫掉。Preacher: You mean like this?(He did it again.)神父：你是說像這樣子嗎？（神父動手脫掉女孩的衣服）Girl: Yes, that s what he did.女孩：是的，是這樣子沒錯。Preac“ her: ”That s still no reason to call him that.神父：可是這樣子你還是沒有理由罵他。Girl: And he put his you-know-what into my you-know-what...女孩：然後...他把他的...那個...放到我的...那個...里面...Preacher:(evil laugh...)You mean like this?(And you-know-what)神父：（奸笑貌）你是說像這樣子嗎？（神父和女孩就那個那個了）Girl:(After a few minutes...)Ugh...Yeah, that s what he did...女孩：（數分鐘後）喔...是的...就是這樣子...Preacher: My dear girl, that s still no reason to call him a...神父：我親愛的孩子，就算是這樣你還是沒有理由罵他「你這個...」Girl: But he had AIDS！女孩：但是他有AIDS呀！Preacher: THAT SON OF A BITCH！!神父：那個狗娘養的！！“

5、”Mother: I left two pieces of cake in the cupboard this morning, Johnny, and now there is only one piece left.Can you explain that?Johnny: Well, I suppose it was so dark that I didn’t notice the other.媽媽：約翰尼，我今天早上在櫥子里放了兩塊點心。現在就剩下一塊了。你能解釋一下嗎？約翰尼：嗯，我想是因為里面太黑我沒看到另外那塊。“

6、”A woman whose husband often came home drunk decided to cure him of the habit.One Halloween night, she put on a devil suit and hid behind a tree to intercept him on the way home.一位婦人發現丈夫回家的時候總是爛醉如泥，她決定為丈夫治好這個毛病。一個萬圣節夜里，她穿上一套魔鬼戲服，躲在樹后，準備在丈夫返家時攔截他的去路。When her husband came by, she jumped out and stood before him with her red horns, long tail, and pitchfork.當丈夫走近時，她從樹后跳出來，站到他面前，頭上帶著紅色的羊角、身后有長長的尾巴，手中握著鋼叉。“Who are you?” he asked.“你是誰？”丈夫問到。“I'm the Devil!” she responded.“我是魔鬼！”她回答到。“Well, come on home with me,” he said, “I married your sister!”“噢，那你跟我一起回家吧，”丈夫說，“我娶了你的姐妹！”“

7、”A woman gets on a bus with her baby.The driver says: “Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen.”一位女士抱著她的寶寶上公交車，司機看到后說：“額，那是我這輩子見過的最丑的小孩。”The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming.She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me.” The man says: “You go up there and tell him off.Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.”女士走到車廂后面坐下，感到很憤怒。她對旁邊的男士說：“司機剛剛羞辱了我。”男士回應說：“你快上去斥責他。去吧，我替你抱著你的猴子。”“

8、”A crowd of student was gathered on the campus of Oxford University.“You can have no doubt,” shouted a young man excitedly, “that if the Dean does not take back what he said to me this morning, I’ll leave Oxford this very evening!”A buzzing noise followed.“What a man of actions!” one said in admiration.“How should we support him and learn from him!” said another.Suddenly, a girl asked, “What did the Dean say to you, Hob?”He bent and whispered to her, “Well,er???er???Miss Rose, er???he told me to get clean away from Oxford this very evening!”一群學生聚在牛津的校園里，一個年輕人情緒激動地叫道：“毋庸置疑，如果那個家伙不收回他今早 對我說的話，我今晚就離開牛津。”下面一片喧嘩。“真是個言出必行的人。”一個人艷羨地說。另一個說：“我們要支持他、學習他。”突然，一個女孩問道：“那家伙對你說什么了，霍波？”他彎下腰小聲說：“哦，呃…呃…，羅斯小姐，呃…他說要我今晚從牛津滾出去。”“

9、”One day in class, the teacher assigned his students to write a composition – if I Am a Manager.All the students began to write except a boy.The teacher went to him and asked the reason.“I am waiting for my secretary,” was the boy’s answer.一天課上，老師要同學們以“如果我是一個經理”為題寫一篇作文。所有的學生都在動筆寫了，只有一個男生例外。老師走過去問他為什么不寫。“我在等我的秘書”。那孩子答道。“

10、”“What are you so happy about?”a woman asked the 98-year-old man.“I broke a mirror,” he replied.“But that means seven years of bad luck.”“I know.” he said, beaming,“Isn’t it wonderful?”這難道不好嗎?“你高興什么?”一個女士問一個98歲的老人。“我打碎了一個鏡子。”他回答。“但那預示著7年的壞運氣。”“我知道。”他高興地說，“這難道不好嗎？”“

11、”One day a visitor from the city came to a small rural area to drive around the country roads, see how the farms looked, and perhaps to see how farmers earned their living.The city man saw a farmer in his yard, holding a pig up in his hands, and lifting it so that the pig could eat apples from an apple tree.The city man said to the farmer,“ I see that your pig likes apples, but isn”t that quite a waste of time?“ The farmer replied,” What“s time to a pig?”一天，有一個城市里的游客來到一個小鄉村，在鄉間路上開著車，想看看農莊是什么樣子，也想看看農夫怎樣種田過日子。這位城里人看見一位農夫在宅后的草地 上，手中抱著一頭豬，并把它舉得高高的，好讓它能夠吃到樹上的蘋果。城里人對農夫說，“我看你的豬挺喜歡吃蘋果的，但是，這不是很浪費時間嗎?”那位農夫 回答說，“時間對豬有什么意義？”“

12、”Teacher: Tom and John!Why are you late for school today?老師：湯姆！約翰！你倆今天為什么遲到了！Tom: Madam, I lost a one-dollar coin and was searching for it.湯姆：老師，我一直在找我丟失的一美元硬幣。Teachear: John, what about you?老師：那么你呢，約翰?John: Madam, I was not able to move beacause I was hiding that coin under my feet.約翰：老師，我不能動啊，我把他的硬幣藏腳底下了。“

13、”Two tomatoes go shopping, a tomato suddenly walk fast, the second tomato asks: “where shall we go?” The first tomato has no answer, the second tomato asked again.The tomato has no answer, so the second tomato asked again.The first tomato finally turned slowly, said: “we are not tomatoes? We can talk?”兩顆番茄去逛街，第一顆番茄突然走得很快，第二顆番茄就問：“我們要去哪里?” 第一顆番茄沒有回答，第二顆番茄又問了一次。第一顆番茄還沒回答，所以第二顆番茄又問了一次。第一顆番茄終于慢慢轉頭說：“我們不是番茄嗎?我們會說話嗎?”On a trip to Disney World in Florida, my husband and I and our two children devoted ourselves wholeheartedly to the wonders of this attraction.After three exhausting days, we headed for home.As we drove away, our son waved and said, “Goodbye, Mickey.”Our daughter waved and said, “Goodbye, Minnie.”My husband waved, rather weakly, and said, “Goodbye,” Mon ey.“迪斯尼之旅 弗羅里達州的迪斯尼樂園是一個迷人的地方。一次我和丈夫以及兩個孩子前往旅游，我們全身心地沉醉在它的各種奇觀之中。精疲力竭地玩了三天之后，我們要回家了。當我們驅車離開時，兒子揮手說：“再見，美奇。”女兒揮著手說，“再見，美妮。”丈夫也有氣無力地揮了揮手，說道：“再見，美元。”

14、Stan: I won 92 goldfish.斯丹：我贏了 92 條金魚。Fred: Where are you going to keep them?弗雷德：你想在哪兒養它們?Stan: In the bathroom.斯丹：浴室。Fred: But what will you do when you want to take a bath?弗雷德：但是你想洗澡時怎么辦?Stan: Blindfold(蒙眼睛)them!斯丹：蒙住它們的眼睛！

15、”One day women's dresses were on sale at a department store.A dignified middle-aged man decided to pick a dress for his wife, but soon he found himself being battered by frantic women.一天，一家百貨公司的女裝大減價，一位高貴的中年男士想給他的太太挑選一件女裝。但是，沒過多久，他就發現自己已被瘋狂的女人們撞得踉踉蹌蹌。He stood it as long as he could;then, with head lowered and arms flailing, he plowed through the crowd.他竭力地忍耐著。后來，他低下頭，揮舞雙臂，擠過人群。“You there!” challenged a thrilling voice.“Can't you act like a gentleman?”“你干嘛?”有人尖聲叫道，“你難道不能表現得像一位紳士嗎?”“Listen,” he said.“I have been acting like a gentleman for an hour.From now on, I am acting like a lady.”“聽著，”他說。“我已經像紳士一樣表現了一個小時了。從現在起，我要表現得像一位女士。”“

16、”Lawyer: You say you were about thirty-five feet away from the scene of the accident? Just how far can you see clearly?Witness: Well, when I wake up in the morning I see the Sun, and they tell me it's about ninety-three million miles away.律師：你說你離事故現場約有35英尺，你能看清多遠的東西？證人：這么說吧，早上起床后我看見太陽，別人告訴我這大約有9300萬英里遠。“

17、”Mr.Henry Beecher entered Plymouth Church one Sunday and found several letters awaiting him.He opened one and found it contained the single word ″Fool″.Quietly and with becoming seriousness he announced to the congregation the fact in these words:″I have known many an instance(實例)of a man writing a letter and forgetting to sign his name, but this is the only instance I have ever known of a man signing his name and forgetting to write the letter.″一個星期天,亨利·比切先生到普利茅斯的教堂去,在那里有他的幾封信。他打開其中一封,發現信中只寫著“傻瓜”兩個字。他平靜而認真地把這件事告訴教友們：“寫信時忘了簽名的人,我遇到過很多,但只簽了名卻忘了寫信的人,我還是頭一次遇到。”Customer: Waiter, I can't find any oysters in this oyster stew.Waiter: Well, you wouldn't expect to find any angels in an angel food cake, would you?顧客：服務員，我這個牡蠣燉菜里怎么沒有牡蠣?服務員：是啊，你不會指望在天使蛋糕里發現“ 天使 吧?

18、”On the way home one night, I spotted some fresh-cut roses outside a florist's shop.After selecting a dozen and entering the shop, I was greeted by a young saleswoman.Are these for your wife, sir? she asked.Yes, I said.For her birthday? she asked.No, I replied.For your anniversary?No, I said again.As I pocketed my change and headed toward the door, the young woman called out, I hope she forgives you.一天晚上回家的路上，我看到一家花店外面有一些剛剪下來的玫瑰。我挑了一打，走進店里，一個年輕的女售貨員跟我打了個招呼。先生，這些是送給你妻子的嗎?她問道。是的，我說。她的生日?她問。不是，我回答。你們的結婚紀念日?不是，我又答道。當我將找回的錢裝進口袋，朝門口走去時，那年輕的女人沖我喊道：希望她能原諒你。“

19、”When my son was a hign-school sophomore, he got a part-time job sacking groceries at a supermarket.He came home all smiles.“How was your first day?” I asked.“It was great, Dad,” he replied.“I got to talk to some good-looking girls.”Since Stephen is not very talkative, I asked, “What did you say to them?”“Do you prefer paper or plastic?”我兒子在一所中學讀二年級時，在一家超級市場找到了一份包裝商品的業余工作。他滿面笑容地回到了家。“第一天感覺如何？”我問。“好極了，爸爸。”他答道，“我跟許多漂亮的女孩子講了話。”由于斯蒂芬不善言談，我問道：“你跟他們說了些什么？”“你是喜歡紙包裝還是塑料包裝？”“

20、”Teacher: Find Australia on the map for me, Johnny.Johnny: It's there, sir.Teacher: That's right.Now Sammy, who discovered Australia?Sammy: Johnny, sir.老師：約翰尼，在地圖上給我找出澳大利亞在什么地方。約翰尼：先生，在這兒。老師：對了。薩默，你來回答我是誰發現了澳大利亞?薩默：先生，是約翰尼。“

21、”Unexpected guests were on the way, and my mother, an impeccable housekeeper, rushed around straightening up.She put my father and brother to work cleaning the guest bathroom.Later, when she went to inspect it, she was surprised that the once-cluttered room had been tidied up so quickly.Then she saw the note on the closed shower curtains.It read “Thank you for not looking in the bathtub.”不速之客就在路上，我媽媽，一個完美的家庭主婦，正忙里忙外地整理。她分配給我爸和我哥哥的任務是打掃供客人使用的浴室。一會兒之后，當她去檢查的時候，她吃驚了，曾經一度雜亂的房間瞬間就被打掃干凈了。接著她看到浴簾上有一張紙條，紙條上寫著：“謝謝你沒往浴缸里看。”“

22、”Just as I began my Christmas Eve service, the electricity in the church failed.The ushers and I found some candles and placed them around the sanctuary.Then I reentered the pulpit, shuffled my notes, and muttered, “Now, where was I?” A tired voice called out, “Right near the end!”就在我開始平安夜禱告時，教堂停電了。教堂里的接待人員和我找到一些蠟燭，把它們放在禮堂周圍。然后我重返講道壇，整理了一下筆記后，我說：“剛才我講到哪兒了？”傳來一陣不耐煩的聲音：“馬上就講完了！”“

23、”There are 100 cents in a dollar.Coins come in the following denominations: $.01 or 1 cent(a penny,a cent, one cent), $.05 or 5 cents(a nickel, five cents),$.1 or 10 cents(a dime, ten cents), $.25 or 25 cents(a quarter, two bits, twenty-five cents), and $.50 or50 cents(a fifty-cent piece).Coins are called “change”, “small change”, or“silver” though they aren’t made of silver anymore.Coins are generally recognized by their size, butsomebody “goofed” on the dime, which is smaller than either a nickel or a penny.All the others are in size order.One more word for you: don’t hold out your hand with either bills or coins and expect someone to take the correct change from you.That cannot be done in any Western country.一美元中有一百美分。硬幣是按下列幣值鑄造的：一美分，五美分，十美分，二十五美分，五十美分。硬幣也叫“零錢”，“小錢”，或“銀幣”，“ 雖然 它們不再是用銀子鑄成的。總的說來，硬幣是通過大小來識別的，但總有人把十美分搞錯，它比五美分和一美分都要小。其他的都按幣值的大小順序排列。還有一點要說明：你不能伸出手，托出一把紙幣和硬幣而希望別人從你那里拿走數目正確的零錢。這在任何西方國家都是不好的。

24、”A priest is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street.However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach.After watching the boy’s efforts for some time, the priest moves closer to the boy’s position.He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow, places his hand kindly on the child’s shoulder and gives the doorbell a sold ring.Crouching down to the child’s level, the priest smiles and asks, “And now what, my little man?” The boy replies, “Now we run!”一個牧師正沿著街走路，這時他看到街對面有個小男孩正試圖按一所房子的門鈴。但這個小孩太小了，門鈴又高，他夠不著。看到那個小男孩費了很多勁，牧師走近了他。牧師優雅地穿過馬路，走到小家伙的背后，輕輕地把手放在小男孩肩頭，按響了門鈴。他彎下身子，微笑著問道：“接下來怎么辦，孩子?”小男孩回答說：“接下來我們跑。”“

25、”Mrs Brown was going out for the day.Shelocked the house and tacked a note for the milkmanon the door: “NOBODY HOME.DON’T LEAVE ANYTHING.”When she got back that night, she found her door broken open and her house ransacked.On the note she had left, she found the following message added:“THANKS!WE HAVEN’T LEFT ANYTHING!”布朗太太要外出一天。她鎖好了房門，在門上給送牛奶的人釘了一張便條：“家里沒人，請不要留下任何東西!” 她當天晚上回家后發現房間門被撞開，房子被洗劫一空。在她留給送奶人的便條上，她發現被補充了一句：“謝謝!我們什么也沒留下!”“

26、”The bus was crowded, and as one more man tried to get on, the passengers wouldn’t let him aboard.“It is too crowded, “they shouted.” who do you think you are?” “I am the driver.” he said.公共汽車上很擠，當又一個人還是試圖上車時，乘客們不讓他上。“車上太擠了，”他們喊道，“你以為你是誰？” “我是司機！”他說。“

27、”Late one night at the insane asylum(瘋人院）one inmate shouted, “I am Napoleon!”Another one said, ”How do you know?“ The first inmate said, ”God told me!“ Just then, a voice from another room shouted, ”I did not!“ 一天晚上，在瘋人院里，一個病人說：“我是拿破侖！”另一個說：“你怎么知道？”第一個人說：“上帝對我說的！”一會兒，一個聲音從另一個房間傳來：“我沒說！””

28、“"My family is just like a nation,” Mr.Brown told his colleague.“Mywife is the minister of finance, my mother-in-law is the minister of war,and my daughter is foreign secretary.” “Sounds interesting, ” his colleague replied.“And what is yourposition?” “I’m the people.All I do is pay.” 布朗先生告訴同事說：“我的家簡直就象一個國家一樣。我妻子 是財政部長。我岳母是作戰部長，我女兒是外交秘書。” “聽上去挺有意思的，”他的同事說，“那你的職務是什么呢？” “我就是老百姓。我要做的一切就是付錢。”“

29、”The family seated in a restaurant had finished their dinner when Father Called over the waiter.“My son has left quite a lot of meat on his plate,” explained Father, “Could you give me a bag so that I can take it home for the dog?” “Gosh, Dad!” exclaimed the excited boy.“Have we got a dog then?” 一家人在飯館里吃過晚飯，父親把服務生叫了過來。”先生，什么事？“服務生問。”我兒子的盤子里剩下許多肉，“父親說，”能給我們一個袋子嗎？我把剩下的東西帶回去喂狗。“ ”啊呀，爸爸！“兒子激動地叫喊著。”咱家養狗了嗎？““

30、”The Brain Surgeon was about to perform a brain transplant.“You have your choice of two brains,” he told the patient, “For $1000 you can have the brain of a psychologist, or for $10,000 you can have the brain of a politician.” The patient was amazed at the huge difference in price.“Is the brain of a politician that much better?” he asked.The Brain Surgeon replied, “No, it’s not better, just unused.” 一個外科醫生正要作一個腦移植手術。“你可以從兩個腦子中選一個給你。”醫生告訴病人，“一個心理學家的大腦1000美元，一個政治家的大腦10000美元。病人很驚訝二者之間這樣大的差別，“政治家的大腦好一些嗎？”他問。醫生說：“不是好一些，只是沒有用過。”“

31、”A woman gets on a bus with her baby.The driver says: “Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen.”一位女士抱著她的寶寶上公交車，司機看到后說：“額，那是我這輩子見過的最丑的小孩。”The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming.She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me.” The man says: “You go up there and tell him off.Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.”女士走到車廂后面坐下，感到很憤怒。她對旁邊的男士說：“司機剛剛羞辱了我。”男士回應說：“你快上去斥責他。去吧，我替你抱著你的猴子。”“

32、”A woman whose husband often came home drunk decided to cure him of the habit.One Halloween night, she put on a devil suit and hid behind a tree to intercept him on the way home.一位婦人發現丈夫回家的時候總是爛醉如泥，她決定為丈夫治好這個毛病。一個萬圣節夜里，她穿上一套魔鬼戲服，躲在樹后，準備在丈夫返家時攔截他的去路。When her husband came by, she jumped out and stood before him with her red horns, long tail, and pitchfork.當丈夫走近時，她從樹后跳出來，站到他面前，頭上帶著紅色的羊角、身后有長長的尾巴，手中握著鋼叉。“Who are you?” he asked.“你是誰？”丈夫問到。“I'm the Devil!” she responded.“我是魔鬼！”她回答到。“Well, come on home with me,” he said, “I married your sister!”“噢，那你跟我一起回家吧，”丈夫說，“我娶了你的姐妹！”“

33、”On the way home after watching a ballet performance, the kindergarten teacher asked her students what they thought of it.The smallest girl in the class said she wished the dancers were taller so that they would not have to stand on their toes all the time.在觀看完芭蕾舞表演回家的路上，幼兒園老師問學生的觀后感。班上最小的女孩說，她希望舞蹈演員可以長得更高一點兒，那么他們就不用整天踮著腳尖了。“

34、”The little boy did not like the look of the barking dog.“It's all right,” said a gentleman, “don't be afraid.Don't you know the proverb: Barking dogs don't bite?”“Ah, yes,” answered the little boy.“I know the proverb, but does the dog know the proverb, too?”一個小男孩非常不喜歡狗狂叫的樣子。“沒有關系，”一位先生“啊，我是知道，可是狗也知道嗎？”“

35、”It's not my faultMother(reprimanding訓斥，譴責 her small daughter): You mustn't pull the cat's tail.Daughter: I'm only holding it, Mom.The cat's doing the pulling.不是我的錯媽媽（正教訓她的女兒）：你不該拽貓的尾巴。女兒：媽，我只是握著貓尾巴，它自己在拽。“

36、”Two brothers were looking at some beautiful paintings.“Look,” said the elder brother.“How nice these paintings are!”“Yes,” said the younger, “but in all these paintings there is only the mother and the children.Where is the father?”The elder brother thought for a moment and then explained, “Obviously he was painting the pictures.”兄弟倆在看一些漂亮的油畫。“看，”哥哥說，“這些畫多漂亮呀！”“是啊，”弟弟說道，“可是在所有這些畫中，只有媽媽和孩子。那爸爸去哪兒了呢？”哥哥想了一會兒，然后解釋道：“很明顯，他當時正在畫這些畫唄。”“

37、”Two Pieces of CakeTom: Mom, can I have two pieces of cake, please?Mom: Certainly--take this piece and cut it two!兩塊蛋糕湯姆：媽媽，我可以吃兩塊蛋糕嗎？媽媽：當然可以----拿這塊蛋糕把它切成兩塊吧！“

38、”Walking on the beach one day he saw a crab1, went to see what happens, suddenly crab pincers（鉗子）folder2, then crab bush run.Tiger jumped the pain, followed by the recovery of crabs3!Catch up with no trees on the crab, and then to see a tiger in Shou Network spiders, tiger angry at Spider: Good you a crab!Do you think you posted on the Web and I do not recognize you!一天老虎在沙灘散步，見到一只螃蟹，就走過去想看個究竟，突然被螃蟹的鉗子夾了一下，螃蟹拔腿就往樹叢里跑。老虎痛得跳起來了，緊接著就追螃蟹！追到樹叢就不見螃蟹了，這時老虎看見一只守在大網中的蜘蛛，老虎對著蜘蛛發火了：好你個螃蟹！你以為你上了網我就不認得你了！“

39、”A curious guy goes to a pet shop to buy a parrot.There he sees a parrot with a red string tied to its left leg and a green string tied to it's right leg.He asks the owner the significance of the strings1.“Well, this is a highly trained parrot.If you pull the red string he speaks French;if you pull the green string he speaks German,” replies the shop keeper.“And what happens if I pull both the strings?” our curious shopper inquires.“I fall off my perch2 you fool！” screeches3 the parrot.有個人去寵物店買鸚鵡。在那里，他看見有只鸚鵡的左腿被紅線系住，右腿則被綠線系住。對此他感到不解，于是他問該店的老板，老板回答說：“這只鸚鵡受過特殊的訓練。如果拉紅線，它就講法語，拉綠線，它則講德語。”這個好奇的人接著問，“要是我兩條線都拉，會怎么樣呢？”“我就會掉下來了，你這個傻瓜！”鸚鵡尖叫著說。“

40、”A pig and a chicken were walking by a church where a gala（歡慶的）charity event was taking place.Getting caught up in the spirit, the pig suggested to the chicken that they each make a contribution.“Great idea!” the chicken cried.“Let's offer hem1 ham and eggs?”“Not so fast,” said the pig testily2.“For you, that's a contribution.For me, it's a total commitment.”一只豬和一只雞路過一所教堂，那里有一場盛大慈善活動正在進行著。在精神上收到觸動的豬向小雞提出建議：他們每個人作出點自己的貢獻。“好主意！”雞尖叫道，“讓我們給腿和雞蛋吧？”“著什么急”豬不耐煩地說，“對你來說，是一個貢獻，對我來說，這是一個完全的獻身。”“

41、”A farmer's boy went looking for snails, and, when he had picked up both his hands full, he set about making a fire at which to roast them;for he meant to eat them.When it got well alight and the snails began to feel the heat, they gradually withdrew more and more into their shells with the hissing noise they always make when they do so.When the boy heard it, he said, “You abandoned creatures, how can you find heart to whistle when your houses are burning?”一個鄉下少年到處尋找蝸牛，當他雙手都塞滿了蝸牛后，就準備點火烤著吃。火點著了，蝸牛也開始感覺到熱了，他們紛紛退向堅殼的深處，同時還發出“咝咝”的噪音。男孩子聽到了蝸牛發出的噓聲，便說：“你們這些連命都快沒有的家伙，怎么還能有心情在窩里著火時吹口哨呢？”“

42、”A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.The teacher said it was physically1 impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.The little girl stated that a whale swallowed Jonah.Irritated, the teacher reiterated2 that a whale could not swallow a human;it was physically impossible.The little girl said, “When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah.”The teacher asked, “What if Jonah went to hell?”The little girl replied, “Then you ask him.”一個小女孩和她的老師正在談論有關鯨魚的事情。她的老師說：“一頭鯨魚從身體構造的角度看，是不可能吞掉一個人的。因為盡管鯨魚是一種非常巨大的哺乳動物，可它的嗓子非常小。”那個小女孩說約拿（一位西伯來先知）就是被鯨魚吞掉的。她的老師非常生氣，她再次告訴小女孩說：“從身體構造角度來講，鯨魚是不可能吞掉一個人的。”那個小女孩說：“那等我到了天堂，就去問問約拿。”她的老師問：“那么，假“ 如約 拿下了地獄怎么辦？”那個小女孩回答：“如果是那樣的話，你就去問他。”

43、”Little Pete came home from the playground with a bloody1 nose, black eye, and torn clothing.It was obvious he'd been in a bad fight and lost.His father asked his son what happened.“Well, Dad,” said Pete, “I challenged Larry to a duel2.And, you know, I gave him his choice of weapons.”“Uh-huh,” said the father, “that seems fair.”“I know, but I never thought he'd choose his sister!”小彼得從操場回到家時，鼻子流血、黑眼圈及被撕破了衣服。顯然他剛與人惡斗了一番，而且打輸了。父親問兒子發生了什么事。“噢，爸爸，彼得說，我向拉里挑起決斗，而且我讓他挑選武器。”“嗯，”父親說，“這看上去很公平！”“我知道，但我沒想到他選擇了他姐姐！”“

44、”It was local election time and the candidate was visiting all the houses in his area.At one house a small boy answered the door.“Tell me, young man,” said the politician.“Is your Mommy in the Republican Party or the Democratic Party?”“Neither,” said the child, “she's in the bathroom.”正值當地競選時期，候選人到他的區域的千家萬戶登門拜訪。候選人來到了一家門口，一個小男孩開了門。“告訴我，年輕人，”候選人問道，“你母親是在共和黨還是在民主黨？” “都不是，”孩子答到，“她在浴室。”“

45、”Teacher: Find Australia on the map for me,Johnny.老師: 約翰尼，在地圖上給我找出澳大利亞在什么地方。Johnny: It's there , sir.約翰尼: 先生，在這兒。Teacher: That's right.Now Sammy, who discovered Australia? 老師: 對了。薩默，你來回答是誰發現了澳大利亞? Sammy: Johnny, sir.薩默: 先生，是約翰尼。“

46、”Teacher: What is the plural of man,Tom? 老師: 湯姆，“男人”這個詞的復數形式是什么? Tom: Men.湯姆:男人們。Teacher: Good.And the plural of child? 老師: 答得好。那“孩子”的復數形式呢? Tom : Twins.湯姆: 雙胞胎。“

47、”The couple seated in restaurant seemed to be having a wonderful time.But as the woman glanced away from the table，their waiter suddenly rushed over.在飯館里坐著一對夫婦，他們看上去非常高興。但是當那女子向旁邊瞥了一眼時，服務員馬上跑了過來。“Madam look,”he said.“Your husband just slid under the table.” “夫人，您瞧,” 他說,“您丈夫滑到桌子底下去了。” “No,he didn't,”she replied.“My husband just came in the door.” “不，他沒有,” 她回答,“我丈夫剛從門外進來。”“

48、”A young man came home from work and found his bride upset.“I feel terrible,” she said.”I was pressing your suit and I burned a big hole in the seat of your trousers.” 丈夫下班回到家里，發現自己的新娘心緒煩亂。“我心里太難受了，”她說。“我在給你熨西裝時把褲子的臀部燒了個大洞。” “Forget it ,” consoled her husband.“Remember that I’ve got an extra pair of pants for that suit.” “沒事兒，”丈夫安慰她說。“你忘了我這套衣服有兩條褲子。” “Yes,” said the woman, cheering up.“And it’s lucky you have.I used them to patch the hole.” “是的，”妻子高興地說，“幸虧你還有一條，我后來就用它來補了這個洞了。””

49、“Wife:You see.According to te statistics on the paper 80% of those who have died of liver cancer have drunk alcoho.妻子：你瞧，根據這報上登的統計數字，那些死于肝癌的人有80%都喝酒。Husband:It's okey.To my investigation, all Thespeopleeat meals.丈夫：那就不錯了。據我調查，所有這些人都吃飯呢。”

50、“Jack fell off his bicycle and got hurt.A beautiful young nurse asked him to fill forms.Jack finished them and gave them back.杰克騎車摔傷，去醫院治療。一位年輕美貌的護士拿著表格讓填。杰克填好后遞上表格。”Anything else?“The nurse asked.”Yes,“ Jack thinks for a while and said ”l'm a bachelor.““還有什么漏填的?”護士問。“有！”杰克想了想說，“我是個單身漢。””

51、“A man wrote a letter to a small hotel he planned to visit on his vacation: ”I would very much like to bring my dog with me.He is well-groomed and very well behaved.Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?“有個人給一家他計劃在假期里停留的小旅館寫了封信，“我非常希望帶著我的狗，它很干凈很有教養，你能允許它和我睡一間屋子嗎?”An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who said, ”I've been operating this hotel for many years.In all that time, I've never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes, silverware or pictures off the walls.I've never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly.And I've never had a dog run out on a hotel bill.Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel.And, if your dog will vouch for you, you're welcome to stay here, too.“旅館主人立即回了封信，“我經營旅館很多年了，狗從沒偷過” 毛巾，床單，餐具，或者墻上的畫。我也從沒有在半夜因為狗喝醉胡鬧而趕走它，狗也從不不付帳就跑掉。實際上我們非常歡迎您的狗來我們旅館，如果它為您擔保，也歡迎您來。

52、“A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely.When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.”Officer, look what they've done to my Beeeemer！!“, he whined.一個律師打開他的寶馬車門，突然一輛汽車駛過來把門撞飛了，警察趕到現場，律師正痛苦地抱怨毀壞了他心愛的寶馬。“警察同志，看看他們把我的車弄的！!”律師哀怨地說。”You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick！!“ retorted the officer, ”You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off！!““你們律師真是物質至上，我很不舒服!”警察反駁說，“你這么關心你可惡的寶馬，你可能沒有注意到你的左胳膊也沒了。”律師終于注意到了血淋淋的左肩膀，“天哪，我的勞力士手表在哪兒?””

53、“George comes from school on the first of September.9月1日，喬治放學回到家里。George, how did you like your new teacher? asked his mother.“喬治，你喜歡你們的新老師嗎？” 媽媽問I didn't like her, Mother, because she said that three and three were six and then she said that two and four were six too.....“媽媽，我不喜歡，因為她說3加3得6, 可后來又說2加4也得6。””

54、“Can you tell me what fish net is made, Ann?“你能告訴我魚網是什么做的嗎，安？” 老師發問道。A lot of little holes tied together with strings.replied the little girl.“把許多小孔用繩子栓在一起就成了魚網了。”小女孩回答道。”

55、“A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.While on the operating table she had a near death experience.Seeing God, she asked if this was it.God said, ”No you have another 43 years, 2 months, and 8 days to live.“ Upon recovery the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face lift, lip-suction, breast augmentation, tummy tuck, etc.She even had someone come in and change her hair color, figuring since she had so much more time to live, she might as well make the most of it.She got out of the hospital after the last operation and while crossing the street was killed by an ambulance speeding to the hospital.Arriving in front of God, she demanded, ”I thought you said I had another 40 Years? “God replied, ”I didn't recognize you.“一名中年婦女心臟病突發被送到了醫院，在手術臺上，瀕臨死亡之際，她看到了上帝，于是，她問上帝是不是她的日子到頭” 了。上帝回答說，“還沒有，你還能活43年，2個月零8天。” 身體快要康復的時候，這名女士想到自己還要活那么多年，得好好對待自己，于是決定先不出院，而是去給自己整整容，吸吸脂，隆隆胸，然后還做了一個腹部拉皮和其它一些美容美體手術。她甚至還請人到醫院里面幫她頭發給染了。做完最后一個手術，這位女士出院了，但就在過馬路的時候，她被一輛風馳電摯趕回醫院的救護車給撞死了。再一次，她又站到了上帝的面前，她大惑不解地問上帝，“我記得你說我還能再活40年？” 上帝回答，“那個時候我沒認出你來”。

篇三十九：英語小笑話帶翻譯

1。Dad: Tom，please tell me，which month has 28 days?

Tom: Every month。

爸爸：告訴我湯姆，哪個月有28天呢？ 湯姆：每個月都有啊！

2。Boy: Is this seat empty?

Girl: Yes，and this one will be if you sit down。

男孩：這個座位是空的么？

女孩：是的，如果你坐下，我的座位也將是空的。

3。Boy: “I'd like to call you。What's your number?”

girl: “It's in the phone book。” Boy: “But I don't know your name。” girl: “That's in the phone book too。”

男：我想給你打電話。你的電話號碼是多少？女：在電話本上呢。男：可是我不明白你的名字呀。女：也在電話本上呢。

4。Palmist: The life line in your hand tells that you will die in a year。

Customer: Good gracious!In a year? Palmist: Yes，but I can't say in which。

手相大師：你手上的生命線顯示出你還有一年將會死去。

顧客：天哪，一年后？手相大師：是的，可是我不能說是哪一年。

5。A cop spotted a woman driving and knitting at the same time。Coming up beside her，he said，“Pull over!”?????? “No，” she replied，“a pair of socks!”

巡警發現一名婦女邊開車邊織毛衣，便開車上前，說：“靠邊停車(套頭衫)！” “不，” 她回答，“是一雙襪子！”

6。“Tom，what's the matter with your brother?“ asked the mother in the kitchen。

”He's crying。“ ”Oh，nothing，Mum，“ replied Tom。”I'm eating my cake。

He is crying because I won't give him any。“ ”But has he finished his own cake?“ ”Yes。“ said Tom。”And he?????? also cried when I was helping him finish that。“

”湯姆，你弟弟怎樣了？“ 媽媽在廚房里問。”他在哭。“ ”沒事兒，媽媽，“ 湯姆答道。”我在吃我的蛋糕。他哭是因為我?????? 不給他吃。“ ”他已經吃完自我的了么？“ ”是的。“ ”我幫他吃完時，他也哭了。“

7。A husband，proving to his wife that women talk more than men，showed her a study which indicated that?????? men use on average only 15000 words a day，whereas women use 30000 words a??? day。She thought?????????? about this for a while and then told her husband that women use twice as many words as men because???????? they have to repeat everything they say。He said，”What?“

丈夫給妻子看了一項調查結果，為了向她證明女人比男人啰嗦。研究證明男人平均每一天使用15000個字，而女人每一天使用??? 30000個。妻子想了一會兒說，女人每一天說的字數是男人的兩倍，因為她們必須重復已經說??? 過的話。他問：”什么？"

8。Boy: Hi，didn't we go on dates before? Onec or twice?

Girl: Must've been once。I never make the same mistake twice。

男孩：嗨，我們之前是不是約會過，是一次還是兩次，我忘記了。

女孩：應當僅有一次吧，我從不犯兩次同樣的錯誤。