第一篇：英文幽默小故事12則

英文幽默小故事12則

How do you know that? Bob: My car doesn't have a speedometer.Rob: Then how do you know how fast you're going?

Bob: Well, when I'm driving at 15 miles an hour, the fenders rattle;at 25 miles an hour, the windows rattle;and at 30, the motor starts knocking-and that's as fast as it'll go.Sooner or later A thief with a long record was brought before the judge.Judge: Have you ever stolen things?

Thief: Oh, now and then.Judge: And where have you stolen these things?

Thief: Oh, here and there.Judge: Right.Lock him up, officer.Thief: Hey, when do I get out jail?

Judge: Oh, sooner or later.Chief is at the wedding A police stopped a motorist who was speeding on the street.“But officer,” the man said, “I can explain.”

“Just be quiet,” snapped the officer.“I'm going to put you in jail until the chief gets back.”

“But ,officer, I ….”

“I said to keep quiet!You are going to jail!”

A few hours later, the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, “You are lucky because the chief is at his daughter's wedding.He'll be in a good mood when he gets back.”

“Are you sure?” answered the man in the cell.“I'm the groom.”

Why he couldn't leave? There was a meeting with a large number of people.At first the speaker was very interesting, but as time went on, he became very boring.Finally when he was through, there was only one man sitting in the large room.The speaker walked up to the man and said, “Thank you for hearing me out when all the others left the room.”

“Oh!Don't mention it!” replied the man, “I cannot leave because I am the next speaker.”

A burglar 入室盜竊者

A man went to the police office wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.“You will get your chance in court.” said the Desk Sergeant.“No, no, no.” said the man.“I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife.I've been trying to do that for years.”

One more cake The old lady was delighted with the gift the boy had brought her.“I'll go round and see your mother tomorrow,” she said, “And I'll thank for this lovely pie.”

“Um, if you don't mind,” the boy said nervously, “could you thank her for two pies?”

Make Your Own Bed Farmer: If you want to spend the night here, you'll have to make your own bed.Traveling salesman: That's perfectly all right.Farmer: Here's a hammer and saw.Good night.What does DC stand for? What does DC stand for?

An American teacher asked one of her pupils, “What's the nation's capital?”

The reply was “Washington DC”

On being asked what the “DC” stood for, the pupils all answered：

“Dot com!”

A poor poet 一名可憐的詩人

Poet: I hope you've received the little volume of poems I sent you.Woman: Oh, yes.It's very nice.I wonder where I've put it?

Her son: It's under the leg of the table, Mom, to make it steady.A Second Language 第二語言

A cat and her four kittens ran into a large dog.When the kittens cowered, the cat let out a series of loud barks, scaring the dog away.Turning to her kittens, the cat said, “You see how important it is to know a second language.”

Accountant An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor.“Doctor, I just can't get to sleep at night.”

“Have you tried counting sheep? ”

“That's the problem.I make a mistake and spend three hours trying to find it.”

This is my seat It was a woman's first time on a plane.She boarded the plane and found herself a window seat.After she settled in, a man came over and insisted that she was in his seat.She ignored him and told him to go away.“Okay,” replied the man.“If that's the way you want it, you fly the plane.”

第二篇：英文幽默故事[模版]

英文幽默故事：

There was a guy who went into a shop to buy a parrot.There werethree parrots in the shop.One was $5,000;another one, $10,000;and the third one, $30,000.The customer asked the owner, “How come this guy is $5,000? That?s so expensive for this kindof parrot.” The owner said, “Because I have trained him and he can talk.” So the customer asked him, “How about this guy? What can he do that makes him so expensive?” The owner said, “Well, apart from talking, he can also do some amusing actions,like dancing and so on.That?s why he?s so expensive.” Then the customer said, “How about the third one? What canhe do that makes him so expensive?” The owner of the shopsaid, “I don?t know.Normally, I have never heard him talk, nor dance, nor whistle, nor sing, nothing at all!But the other two call him ?The Boss.?”

老板最大 有個(gè)人到一間商店買鸚鵡。店里有三只鸚鵡，其中一只賣五千元，另一只賣一萬元，還有一只賣三萬元。顧客問老板：「為什么這只要賣五千元？這個(gè)價(jià)錢對(duì)這種鸚鵡來說太貴了！」老板說：「因?yàn)槲矣杏?xùn)練他講話。」顧客又問：「那這只呢？他會(huì)做什么？為什么要賣這么貴？」老板說：「他除了會(huì)說話之外，還會(huì)表演一些有趣的動(dòng)作，好比說跳舞等等，所以才賣這么貴。」顧客接著又問：「那第三只呢？他會(huì)做什么？為什么要賣這么貴？」老板說：「我不知道。我從沒聽過他講話、吹口哨或唱歌，也沒看過他跳舞，什么都沒有！不過另外兩只叫他：『老板！』」

Where is the egg? Teacher:Can you make a sentence with the word “egg”? Student:Yes.I ate a piece of cake yesterday.Teacher:Then where is the “egg“? Student:In the cake,Sir.雞蛋在哪里？

老師：你能用“雞蛋”一詞造句嗎？ 學(xué)生：可以。我昨天吃了一塊蛋糕。老師：“雞蛋”在哪？ 學(xué)生：在蛋糕里，先生

Tom is a little boy, and he is only seven years old.Once he goes to a cinema.It is the first time for him to do that.He buys a ticket and goes in.But after two or three minutes he comes out, and buys the second ticket and goes in again.After a few minutes he comes out again and buys the third ticket.Two or three minutes after that he comes out and asks for another ticket.But a girl asks him,“Why do you buy so many tickets? How many friends do you meet?” “No, I have no friends here, but a big woman always stops me at the door and cuts up my ticket.”

湯姆是個(gè)小孩，他才7歲。當(dāng)他去電影院的時(shí)候。那時(shí)他第一次去。他買了張票進(jìn)去了。但沒過兩三分鐘他就出來了，然后買了第二張票又進(jìn)去了。幾分鐘后他又出來買了第三張票。接著兩三分鐘后他又出來買票。一個(gè)女的問她，“你為什么要買那么多票啊? 你見到了幾個(gè)朋友？” “沒有，我里面沒朋友，但是每當(dāng)我進(jìn)門的時(shí)候一位大的女人老把我的票給剪了”

Child:My uncle has 1000 men under him.Man:He is really somebody.What does do? Child:A maintenance man in a cemetery 他真是一個(gè)大人物

小孩：我叔叔下面有1000個(gè)人。

男人：他真是一個(gè)大人物。他是干什么的？ 小孩：墓地守墓人。

Teacher: Would Shakespeare be a great man if he were still alive today?

Student: Of course.He must be a great man, for so far nobody has lived to over 400 years.一名偉人

老師：如果莎士比亞還活著，他會(huì)是一名偉人嗎？

學(xué)生：當(dāng)然。因?yàn)榈侥壳盀橹梗€沒有人活到400多歲。

Mr.Smith: Waiter, there's a dead fly in my soup.Waiter: Yes, sir, I know---it's the heat that kills it.史密斯先生：服務(wù)員，我的湯里有一只死蒼蠅．

服務(wù)員：是的，先生，我知道了，它是被燙死的．

Son: Dad, give me a dime.Father: Son, don't you think you're getting too big to be forever begging for dimes? Son: I guess you're right, Dad, Give me a dollar, will you? 兒子：爸爸，給我一角錢。

父親：兒子，你不認(rèn)為你已經(jīng)長大了，不該再老是一角一角地要錢了(該自立了)，不是嗎？

兒子：爸爸，我想你是對(duì)的，那給我一塊錢行嗎？

A little kid fell in love with another little kid, a school mate.Sometimes the kids think they fall in love when they have a crush on someone else in the class, when they?re eight or ten years old or something like that.So the eight-year-oldkid came back home and asked his father, “Father, is it expensive to be married?” And the father said, “Yes, son, it is very expensive.” So the son asked, “How much does it cost?” And the father said, “I don?t know, son.I?m still paying.”

有個(gè)小孩愛上了另一個(gè)小孩，對(duì)方是學(xué)校的同學(xué)。八歲或十歲左右的孩子有時(shí)會(huì)迷戀班上某個(gè)人，然后就以為自己戀愛了。因此這個(gè)八歲的小孩回家問他爸爸：「爸爸，結(jié)婚很花錢嗎？」爸爸說：「是啊，兒子，非常花錢。」兒子又問：「要花多少錢呢？」爸爸說：「我不知道，兒子，我到現(xiàn)在還一直在付錢啊！」

“Boy, why have you got cotton-wool in your ear? Is it infected?” “No, sir, but you said yesterday that everything you told me went in one ear and out the other , so I am trying to stop it.”

“孩子，你為什么用棉花塞住耳朵？它感染了嗎？”

“沒有，老師。可是你昨天說你告訴我的知識(shí)都是一個(gè)耳朵里進(jìn)，一個(gè)耳朵里出，所以我要把它堵在里面。”

“I'm sorry，Madam，but I shall have to charge you twenty dollars for pulling your boy's tooth.”

“Twenty d ollars!Why，I understand you to say that you charged only four dollars for such work!”

“Yes，but this youngster yelled so terribly that he scared four other patients out of the office.”

“對(duì)不起，夫人，為您孩子拔牙我要收取20美元。” “20美元！為什么？不是說好只要4美元。”

“是的，但是你的孩子大喊大叫，把另外四個(gè)病人嚇跑了。”

TWO： Teacher：We all know that beat causes an object to expand an cold cauese it to contract.Now，can anyone give me a good example?

John：Well，in the summer the days are long，and in the winter the days are short.老師：我們都知道熱脹冷縮的道理。現(xiàn)在，誰給我舉個(gè)例子？

約翰：嗯，在夏天天都長，在冬天天都短。

The lecturer on evolution had been going on for nearly two hours.then he started again, and said he:“Let me ask the evolutionist a question---if we had tails like a baboon, where are they?”

“I'll venture an answer, ” said an old lady.“We have worn them off sitting here so long.”.教進(jìn)化論的老師已經(jīng)滔滔不絕地講了快兩個(gè)小時(shí)，他的話題又來了：“讓我向進(jìn)化論者提個(gè)問題——如果我們?cè)?jīng)像狒狒那樣長著尾巴，那么現(xiàn)在尾巴到哪里去了？”

“我來試試看，”一位老太太說。

“該是我們?cè)谶@里坐這么久把它們磨掉了吧。”

A man was going to the house of some rich person.As he went along the road, he saw a box of good apples at the side of the road.He said, “I do not want to eat those apples;for the rich man will give me much food;he will give me very nice food to eat.” Then he took the apples and threw them away into the dust.He went on and came to a river.The river had become very big;so he could not go over it.He waited for some time;then he said, “I cannot go to the rich man's house today, for I cannot get over the river.” He began to go home.He had eaten no food that day.He began to want food.He came to the apples, and he was glad to take them out of the dust and eat them.Do not throw good things away;you may be glad to have them at some other time.【譯文】 一個(gè)人正朝著一個(gè)富人的房子走去，當(dāng)他沿著路走時(shí)，在路的一邊他發(fā)現(xiàn)一箱好蘋果，他說：“我不打算吃那些蘋果，因?yàn)楦蝗藭?huì)給我更多的食物，他會(huì)給我很好吃的東西。”然后他拿起蘋果，一把扔到土里去。他繼續(xù)走，來到河邊，河漲水了，因此，他到不了河對(duì)岸，他等了一會(huì)兒，然后他說：“今天我去不了富人家了，因?yàn)槲也荒芏蛇^河。” 他開始回家，那天他沒有吃東西。他就開始去找吃的，他找到蘋果，很高興地把它們從塵土中翻出來吃了。不要把好東西扔掉，換個(gè)時(shí)候你會(huì)覺得它們大有用處。

A Good Boy

Little Robert asked his mother for two cents.“What did you do with the money I gave you yesterday?” “I gave it to a poor old woman,” he answered.“You're a good boy,” said the mother proudly.“Here are two cents more.But why are you so interested in the old woman?” “She is the one who sells the candy.”

好孩子

小羅伯特向媽媽要兩分錢。

“昨天給你的錢干什么了？”

“我給了一個(gè)可憐的老太婆，”他回答說。“你真是個(gè)好孩子，”媽媽驕傲地說。“再給你兩分錢。可你為什么對(duì)那位老太太那么感興趣呢？” “她是個(gè)賣糖果的。”

Drunk

One day, a father and his little son were going home.At this age, the boy was interested in all kinds of things and was always asking questions.Now, he asked, “What's the meaning of the word 'Drunk', dad?” “Well, my son,” his father replied, “l(fā)ook, there are standing two policemen.If I regard the two policemen as four then I am drunk.” “But, dad,” the boy said, “ there's only ONE policeman!”

醉酒

一天，父親與小兒子一塊兒回家。這個(gè)孩子正處于那種對(duì)什么事都很感興趣的年齡，老是有提不完的問題。他向父親發(fā)問道：“爸爸，?醉?字是什么意思？” “唔，孩子，”父親回答說，“你瞧那兒站著兩個(gè)警察。如果我把他們看成了四個(gè)，那么我就算醉了。” “可是，爸爸，”孩子說，“那兒只有一個(gè)警察呀！”

Sleeping Pills

Bob was having trouble getting to sleep at night.He went to see his doctor, who prescribed some extra-strong sleeping pills.Sunday night Bob took the pills, slept well and was awake before he heard the alarm.He took his time getting to the office, strolled in and said to his boss: “I didn't have a bit of trouble getting up this morning.” “That's fine,” roared the boss, “but where were you Monday and Tuesday?”

安眠藥

鮑勃晚上失眠。他去看醫(yī)生，醫(yī)生給他開了一些強(qiáng)力安眠藥。

星期天晚上鮑勃吃了藥，睡得很好，在鬧鐘響之前就醒了過來。他到了辦公室，遛達(dá)進(jìn)去，對(duì)老板說：“我今天早上起床一點(diǎn)麻煩都沒有。” “好啊!”老板吼道，“那你星期一和星期二到哪兒去了？”

第三篇：英文小故事哲理篇與幽默篇

哲理篇

The Help from the God A small village came into a very large storm, and floods began to submerge the whole village.A priest prayed in the church when the flood submerged his knees． Lifeguard came to the church driving a sampan： “Father, come here as soon as possible！Otherwise you will drown in the flood！” The priest said： “No！I am confident that God will save me, please go to save others．” But soon, the water rose to the priest’s chest, and the priest had to stand on the altar． At this time, a police drove to the priest with a speedboat：“Father, hurry up, otherwise you will be drowned！” The priest said： “No, I would like to keep my church.I believe that God will save me．You’d better to save others.” After a while, the floods have submerged the entire church.The priest had no choice but to firmly grasp the top of the Cross Church．A helicopter flied over slowly, and the pilot dropped a rope ladder：“Father, hurry up, this is the last chance!” But the priest said: “No, I would like to keep my church！God will save me．”The stubborn priest was finally drowned.In the heaven, the priest asked the God angrily：”Lord, I devoted my whole life to serving you, why you refuse to help me！“ God said：” The first time, I sent a sampan to rescue you, but you didn’t get on.I think you are not satisfied with the sampan；the second time, I sent a speedboat, you refuse it again；the third time, I send a helicopter to rescue you, but also you are unwilling to accept it.Therefore, I thought you wanted to come back to my side.“ In fact, there are many obstacles in life chiefly coming from our stubbornness and ignorance．When others give us a hand, do not forget, only we accept it, can they help us！！

God's Coffee A group of alumni, highly established in their careers, got together to visit their old professor.Conversation soon turned into complaints about stress in work and life.The professor went to the kitchen and returned with a large pot of coffee and an assortment of cupstelling them to help themselves.When all the students had a cup of coffee in hand, the professor said: ”If you noticed, all the nice looking expensive cups were taken up, while the plain and cheap ones are left on the table.It is normal for you to have only the best for yourselves, which is the source of your problems and stress.Be assured that the cup itself adds no quality to the coffee.In most cases it is just more expensive and in some cases even hides what we drink.What all of you really wanted was coffee, not the cup, but you consciously went for the best cups...And then you began eyeing each other's cups.Now consider this: Life is the coffee;the jobs, money and position in society are the cups.They are just tools to hold and contain Life, and the type of cup we have does not define, nor change the quality of Life we live.Sometimes, by concentrating only on the cup, we fail to enjoy the coffee God has provided us.“ God brews the coffee, not the cups..........Enjoy your coffee!”The happiest people don't have the best of everything.They just make the best of everything.“ Live simply.Love generously.Care deeply.Speak kindly.Leave the rest to God.Pebbles and diamonds

”Why do we have to learn about these useless things?“

This is what teachers have heard students complain about most commonly.In such cases, we may tell the students such a fable:

One night, a group of nomadic tribes of herdsmen was preparing to break camp, all of a sudden, a bunch of bright light shrouded.They knew that God would be there, so that they looked forward to getting wishes from God.God began to speak: ”You have to collect along the way a number of pebbles.Tomorrow night, you will be very happy, but you can also be regretted.“ Then God disappeared.Herdsmen were very disappointed, because they would look forward to God to bring them untold wealth and health and longevity, but they did not expect that God had told them to do all these meaningless things.However, in any case, after all, that was God's will, although there were some dissatisfaction, they were still picking over some stones,In this way, they took a day, when night fell, they camped.All of a sudden, they found that all the pebbles they picked had turned into diamonds.They were delighted, at the same time, they felt very sorry, and regretted that they did not collect more pebbles.Now we feel that knowledge is useless, like pebbles, in the future, they may become endless wealth.Sand and Stone The story goes that two friends were walking through the desert.During some point of the journey they had an argument, and one friend slapped the other one in the face.The one who got slapped was hurt, but without saying anything, wrote in the sand: ”Today my best friend slapped me in the face.“

They kept on walking until they found an oasis, where they decided to take a bath.The one who had been slapped got stuck in the mire and started drowning, but the friend saved him.After he recovered from the near drowning, he wrote on a stone: ”Today my best friend saved my life.“

The friend who had slapped and saved his best friend asked him, ”After I hurt you, you wrote in the sand and now you write on a stone.Why?“

The other friend replied: ”When someone hurts us we should write it down in sand where winds of forgiveness can erase it away.But when someone does something good for us, we must engrave it in stone where no wind can ever erase it.“

The Nail

There was a little boy with a bad temper.His father gave him a bag of nails and told him that every time he lost his temper, to hammer a nail in the back fence.The first day the boy had driven 37 nails into the fence.Then it gradually dwindled down.He discovered it was easier to hold his temper than to drive those nails into the fence.Finally the day came when the boy didn't lose his temper at all.He told his father about it and the father suggested that the boy now pull out one nail for each day that he was able to hold his temper.The days passed and the young boy was finally able to tell his father that all the nails were gone.The father took his son by the hand and led him to the fence.He said, ”You have done well, my son, but look at the holes in the fence.The fence will never be the same.When you say things in anger, they leave a scar just like this one.You can put a knife in a man and draw it out.It won't matter how many times you say I'm sorry, the wound is still there.A verbal wound is as bad as a physical one.Friends are a very rare jewel, indeed.They make you smile and encourage you to succeed.They lend an ear, they share a word of praise, and they always want to open their hearts to us.Show your friends how much you care.Five Keys in life In May, 2001, American Nevada state Madison middle school’s entrance examination set such a topic: On the Bill Gates desk there are 5 locked drawers, respectively representing wealth, interest, happiness, honor, and success.Gates always only have one key, and the other 4 are locked in the drawers.Which key does Gates take? One immigrated mainland student had flustered after he saw this topic, because he did not know whether it was a language question or a mathematics one.When the test finished, he asked his guarantor.The director told him that the answer was not in the books, and there were no standard answers.The mainland student got 9 points.He didn’t answer the question, but the teacher believed that, at least he was honest.At last, we know which key Gates takes in Gates’ writing in reply for this school.What does he write? The letter reads: the secret of your life is hiding behind what you are interested in.幽默篇

A Fine Match

One day a lady saw a mouse running across her kitchen floor.She was very afraid of mouse, so she ran out of the house, got into a bus and went to the shops.There she bought a mousetrap.The shopkeeper said to her, “Put some cheese in it and you will soon catch that mouse.”

The lady went home with her mousetrap, but when she looked in her cupboard, she could not find any cheese in it.She did not want to go back to the shop, because it was very late, so she cut a picture of some cheese out of a magazine and put that in the trap.Surprisingly, the picture of the cheese was quite successful!When the lady came down to the kitchen the next morning she found a picture of a mouse in the trap beside the picture of the cheese!

He Was Only Wrong by Two

Jack Hawkins was the football coach at an Amercian college, and he was always trying to find good players, but they weren‘t always smart enough to be accepted by the college.One day the coach brought an excellent young player to the dean of the college and asked that the student be allowed to enter without an examination.“Well,” the dean said after some persuasion, “I‘d better ask him a few questions first.”

Then he turned to the student and asked him some very easy questions, but the student didn‘t know any of the answers.At last the dean said, “Well, what‘s five times seven?”

The student thought for a long time and then answered, “Thirty-six.”

The dean threw up his hands and looked at the coach in despair, but the coach said earnestly, “Oh, please let him in, sir!He was only wrong by two.”

Napoleon Was Ill

Jack had gone to the university to study history, but at the end of his first year, his history professor failed him in his examinations, and he was told that he would have to leave the university.However, his father decided that he would go to see the professor to urge him to let Jack continue his studies the following year.“He‘s a good boy,” said Jack‘s father, “and if you let him pass this time, I‘m sure he‘ll improve a lot next year and pass the examinations at the end of it really well.”

“No, no, that‘s quite impossible,” replied the professor immediately.“Do you know, last month I asked him when Napoleon had died, he didn‘t know!”

“Please, sir, give him another chance,” said Jack‘s father.“You see, I‘m afraid we don‘t take any newspaper in our house, so none of us even know that Napoleon was ill.”

Be Careful What You Wish For

A couple had been married for 25 years and they were celebrating their 60th birthdays, which fell on the same day.During the celebration a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple for all 25 years, she would give them one wish each.The wife wanted to travel around the world.The fairy waved her hand, and Boom!She had the tickets in her hand.Next, it was the husband‘s turn.He paused for a moment, then said shyly, “Well, I‘d like to have a woman 30 years younger than me.”

The fairy picked up her wand, and Boom!He was ninety.Midway Tactics

Three competing store owners rented adjoining shops in a mall.Observers waited for mayhem to ensue.The retailer on the right put up huge signs saying, “Gigantic Sale!” and “Super Bargains!” The store on the left raised bigger signs proclaiming, “Prices Slashed!” and “Fantastic Discounts!” The owner in the middle then prepared a large sign that simply stated, “ENTRANCE”.That man knows the future Nasreddin was cutting a branch of a tree in his garden.While he was sawing, another man passed in the street.He stopped and said, 'Excuse me, but if you continue to saw that branch like that, you will fall down with it.' He said this because Nasreddin was sitting on the branch and cutting it at a place between himself and the trunk of the tree.Nasreddin said nothing.He thought, 'This is some foolish person who has no work to do and goes about telling other people what to do and what not to do.' The man continued on his way.Of course, after a few minutes, the branch fell and Nasreddin fell with it.'My God!' he cried.'That man knows the future!' and he ran after him to ask how long he was going to live.But the man had gone.A Good Boy Little Robert asked his mother for two cents.“What did you do with the money I gave you yesterday?” “I gave it to a poor old woman,” he answered.“You're a good boy,” said the mother proudly.“Here are two cents more.But why are you so interested in the old woman?” “She is the one who sells the candy.”

Drunk One day, a father and his little son were going home.At this age, the boy was interested in all kinds of things and was always asking questions.Now, he asked, “What's the meaning of the word 'Drunk', dad?” “Well, my son,” his father replied, “l(fā)ook, there are standing two policemen.If I regard the two policemen as four then I am drunk.” “But, dad,” the boy said, “There’s only ONE policeman!”

Hospitality The hostess apologized to her unexpected guest for serving an apple-pie without any cheese.The little boy of the family left the room quietly for a moment and returned with a piece of cheese which he laid on the guest's plate.The visitor smiled, put the cheese into his mouth and then said: “You must have better eyes than your mother, sonny.Where did you find the cheese?” “In the rat-trap, sir,” replied the boy.How many children will I have Four best friends met at the hospital since their wives were giving births to their babies.The nurse comes up to the first man and says, “Congratulations, you got twins.” The man said “How strange, I'm the manager of Minnesota Twins.” After a while the nurse comes up to the second man and says, “Congratulations, you got triplets.” Man was like “Hmmm, strange I worked as a director for the ”3 musketeers.“ Finally, the nurse comes up to the third man and says ”Congratulations, you got twins x2.“ Man is happy and says, ”Ironic, I work for the hotel “4 Seasons.” All three of them are happy until they see their last buddy jumping all over the place, cursing God and banging his head on the wall.They asked him what's wrong and he answered, “What's wrong? I work for 7up”!

You're not going to make it

Gravely ill, a man went to the doctor with his wife.After the examination the physician motioned for the wife to meet him in the hallway.“Your husband is very sick,” the doctor said, “but there are three things you can do to ensure his survival.First, fix him three healthful, delicious meals a day.Next, give him a stress-free environment, and don't complain about anything.Finally, make passionate love to him every day.On the drive home the husband asked, ”What did the doctor say?“ ”I'm sorry,“ she said, ”but you're not going to make it.A lawyer's dog A lawyer's dog，running about unleashed，beelines for a butcher shop and steals a roast.Butcher goes to lawyer's office and asks，“if a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store，do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?” The lawyer answers，“Absolutely.”“Then you owe me $8.50.Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today.”The lawyer，without a word，writes the butcher a check for $8.50.Several days later the butcher opens the mail and finds an envelope from the lawyer: $20 due for a consultation.Time to a pig One day a visitor from the city came to a small rural area to drive around the country roads to see how the farms looked, and perhaps to see how farmers earned their living.The city man saw a farmer in his yard, holding a pig up in his hands, and lifting it so that the pig could eat apples from an apple tree.The city man said to the farmer,“ I see that your pig likes apples, but isn’t that quite a waste of time?” The farmer replied," What’s time to a pig.”

The brave heart

A millionaire called on all the bachelors in the city to his home , and take them to a big pool where lived some crocodiles”I want to find a brave heart, let me see who dare to jump into this pool and swim to the other side--------he will be my son-in-low, get all my fortune and my beautiful daughter.”Sex!But??Every man looked at each other, with a pale and red face.None dare.Suddenly, with a “PUTON”,a bachelor jumped into the water, God!He swam towards the other side at a crazy speed!And at the very lighting speed, he touched the side, and climbed on without even awaking the crocodiles!

The millionaire goes ahead and holds his hand: Congratulations!What a brave heart!I suppose U want to my daughter so much!

“Not at all!”the guy cried,”I just want to know who son of a bitch pushed me into the poor just now！”

第四篇：幽默小故事

經(jīng)典幽默小故事

坐錯(cuò)地方

一位婦人在公園的長椅上坐下，她看四周無人，便把腿伸直躺在椅子上。過了一會(huì)兒，一個(gè)乞丐走到她面前說道：“相好的，一起散散步如何？” “你好大的膽子，”婦人說：“我可不是那種勾三搭四的女人！” “那么，”乞丐又說，“你在我床上干什么？”

趙錢孫李

從前，有一位私塾先生，教了十幾個(gè)小學(xué)生，其中有一個(gè)是財(cái)主的兒子，讀的是《百家姓》，但他總是讀不會(huì)。有一天，先生氣急了，說道：“趙錢孫李這么簡單的話你都記不住，真沒用，我再來開導(dǎo)開導(dǎo)你。你不是姓趙嗎？你們家不是很有錢嗎？你的兒子的兒子不就是你的孫子嗎？我的名字叫李萬年。這樣詳詳細(xì)細(xì)地解釋給你聽，你如果還記不住，真是該打手心！”第二天，這個(gè)學(xué)生朗朗背誦道：“我姓趙，我有錢，我的孫子李萬年。”同學(xué)們聽了，哈哈大笑。

到了哪一頭

小伙子當(dāng)恩在街上突然碰到幾個(gè)月前給他主持婚禮儀式的牧師。

當(dāng)恩問牧師：“在舉行婚禮的時(shí)候，您不是代表上帝宣布：我和我妻子的一切煩惱都已經(jīng)到頭了嗎？可是現(xiàn)在我正煩惱得很哪！”

“對(duì)，我是這樣說過。”牧師不慌不忙地回答，“煩惱有開始的一頭，也有消失的一頭；當(dāng)時(shí)我可并沒有說明您是到了哪一頭。”

彼此彼此

有個(gè)缺德鬼去給朋友拜年，在路上碰見了他的鄰居——一個(gè)聾子。他樂呵呵地拱手給聾子拜年：“恭喜你今年早死！”

聾子以為他說的都是吉利話，便回拜說：“你也一樣！你也一樣！”

哭與笑

有幾個(gè)人在野外拾到一個(gè)地理先生使用的羅盤，大家都不認(rèn)得，拿給毛拉看是件什么東西。毛拉先是嗚嗚地哭，接著又哈哈地大笑起來。弄得這幾個(gè)人迷惑不解地問：“你又哭又笑的，到底是怎么回事？”

毛拉誠懇地答道：“我開始哭，是覺得你們太愚昧，連這么個(gè)小東西都不認(rèn)識(shí)；后來笑，是因?yàn)槲野l(fā)現(xiàn)自己也不認(rèn)得這東西。”

手套

中華民國時(shí)期有個(gè)染坊工人被法院傳票到法庭上作證，他舉手宣誓時(shí)，整個(gè)手黑得像墨一樣，法官見了，就高聲叫道：“你先脫掉手套，然后再宣誓。” 染坊工人認(rèn)真地說：“請(qǐng)你戴上眼鏡，看清后再發(fā)言。”

主教落入陷阱

主教聽別人說，到紐約后很有可能被報(bào)界拖入預(yù)設(shè)的陷阱，所以要格外小心。在機(jī)場(chǎng)，有位記者一見面就問他：“你想上夜總會(huì)嗎？”主教想岔開這個(gè)問題，就譏笑著反問：“紐約有夜總會(huì)嗎？”真沒想到，他還是落入了陷阱。因?yàn)榈诙靾?bào)紙上報(bào)道這次會(huì)見的大標(biāo)題是：“主教走下飛機(jī)后的第一個(gè)問題：?紐約有夜總會(huì)嗎?？”

一字之差

有一個(gè)教徒結(jié)了婚，她接到了朋友發(fā)來的賀電。電文原本是“約翰1—4—18”。朋友的意思是讓她查看《圣經(jīng)》中《約翰福音》一書，數(shù)字標(biāo)著的頁碼和行數(shù)原是一句祝賀與鼓勵(lì)的話：“愛里沒有懼怕，愛既完全，就把懼怕除去。”

不幸送來的電文漏掉了“1”字，只見電文上寫著約翰“4—18”。新娘按電文原意一翻《約翰福音》第四章18節(jié)，只見那里寫著：“你已經(jīng)有五個(gè)丈夫，你現(xiàn)在有的，并不是你的丈夫。”

損人損己

一位美貌溫柔的年輕姑娘獨(dú)自坐在酒吧里。從她的裝束便可以看出她一定出身豪門。這時(shí)，一位瀟灑英俊的青年男子向她走來，有禮貌地低聲問：“這兒有人坐嗎？。” 她大聲說：“到阿芙達(dá)旅館去？”

“不，不。你弄錯(cuò)了。”青年有幾分惶悚，急忙解釋說：“我只是問這兒有其他人坐嗎？” “您說今夜就去？”她尖聲叫道，比剛才更激動(dòng)。

青年男子被她弄得狼狽極了，紅著臉兒到另一張桌子上去了。許多顧客憤慨而輕蔑地看著他。

過了一會(huì)，年輕姑娘又來到他的桌邊，給他叫了一杯白蘭地輕聲說：“對(duì)不起，我只是想看看您對(duì)意外情況的反應(yīng)。”

青年本來氣就未消，見她這般言行，決心叫她也出一次丑，他大聲地說：“什么？一次要一百美元嗎？”

這一次，窘迫輪給這位年輕的姑娘了。

想跳舞嗎

大半個(gè)晚上都沒有一個(gè)人邀請(qǐng)瑪麗小姐步入舞池，使她感到非常失望。這時(shí)一位英俊瀟灑的男士向她含笑走來，瑪麗急忙起身微笑相迎。“您想跳舞嗎？小姐？”那位男士問道。“是的，謝謝你的邀請(qǐng)。” “正好，我可以坐你的位置了。” 黑暗中的一吻

火車進(jìn)入隧道，整個(gè)車廂里一片黑暗。只聽一聲親吻，接著便是一記響亮的耳光。火車遲遲開出隧道后，車廂內(nèi)四個(gè)素不相識(shí)的人都沒有吱聲，唯有德國軍官眼圈發(fā)青。中國老太太暗想：“這姑娘人美心靈更美。”姑娘想：“真奇怪，這德國人寧親老太婆不親我。”德國人想：“羅馬尼亞人真狡猾，他偷著親嘴，我暗里挨打。”羅馬尼亞人想：“我最聰明，我吻自己的手背，又打了德國人一個(gè)耳光，沒人發(fā)現(xiàn)。”

最值錢的東西

從前，有一個(gè)國王統(tǒng)率的軍隊(duì)包圍了一座城池。進(jìn)城之前，國王發(fā)布一條命令：城中的婦女皆可免于一死，明天天亮之前，可以攜帶自己最值錢的東西離開城池，國王保證大家的安全。不久，只見全城婦女人人背上都背著

一個(gè)沉重的包袱，上氣不接下氣地走出城門，一個(gè)個(gè)累得滿頭大汗。原來她們身上背的包袱里，都是自己的丈夫。

美人效應(yīng)

羅馬一家自助餐廳的老板整天苦思冥想，終于想出一個(gè)賺別人小費(fèi)的妙計(jì)。他首先請(qǐng)來一位非常漂亮的姑娘，坐在柜臺(tái)旁邊收錢，以便使得男客們神魂顛倒，慷慨解囊。誰料到姑娘上班沒幾天，就對(duì)老板說：“我想，我不如以前那么漂亮了。” 老板急忙問：“這是怎么回事呢？”

“現(xiàn)在，所有的男客都在柜臺(tái)邊反復(fù)地?cái)?shù)我找給他們的零錢。”

聰明的證據(jù)

19世紀(jì)時(shí)，西方一些科學(xué)家聲稱找到了白種人比黃種人聰明的科學(xué)證據(jù)：“黃種人的頭發(fā)截面是圓的，而白種人的則是橢圓的，橢圓有兩個(gè)圓心，規(guī)畫更為不易，可見上帝是偏愛白種人的。”殊料，20世紀(jì)初，人類學(xué)家在非洲某地區(qū)發(fā)現(xiàn)了一個(gè)黑人原始部落，他們的頭發(fā)與黃種人和白種人都不一樣，是扁的。

體檢

一位個(gè)頭很大的愛爾蘭青年信步走進(jìn)了一間辦公室，里面正在由軍醫(yī)進(jìn)行對(duì)警察候選人的體格檢查。

軍醫(yī)對(duì)他說：“脫下衣服來。” “您說什么，先生？” “把衣服脫光，快一點(diǎn)！”

青年人脫了衣服。軍醫(yī)給他量了胸圍，檢查了脊背后，命令：“跳過這根橫桿。” 青年人照著做了，結(jié)果動(dòng)作還好，但摔了個(gè)仰八叉。

“雙膝并攏，兩手觸地。”青年人按要求又做了，因失去平衡，跌倒在地上。待他爬起來，軍醫(yī)又命令：“在這冷水池里跳躍五分鐘。” “這太滑稽了。”青年人嘟囔著。

“現(xiàn)在繞著房子跑十圈，我要檢查你的心臟和呼吸。” 青年人終于氣惱地說：“我不，我寧愿打一輩子光棍！” 軍醫(yī)一聽，困惑地問：“你這是什么意思？”

青年人說：“是的，打光棍！辦個(gè)結(jié)婚手續(xù)哪來這么多的麻煩？”

第五篇：經(jīng)典幽默小故事

經(jīng)典幽默小故事

坐錯(cuò)地方

一位婦人在公園的長椅上坐下，她看四周無人，便把腿伸直躺在椅子上。過了一會(huì)兒，一個(gè)乞丐走到她面前說道：“相好的，一起散散步如何？”

“你好大的膽子，”婦人說：“我可不是那種勾三搭四的女人！”

“那么，”乞丐又說，“你在我床上干什么？”

趙錢孫李

從前，有一位私塾先生，教了十幾個(gè)小學(xué)生，其中有一個(gè)是財(cái)主的兒子，讀的是《百家姓》，但他總是讀不會(huì)。有一天，先生氣急了，說道：“趙錢孫李這么簡單的話你都記不住，真沒用，我再來開導(dǎo)開導(dǎo)你。你不是姓趙嗎？你們家不是很有錢嗎？你的兒子的兒子不就是你的孫子嗎？我的名字叫李萬年。這樣詳詳細(xì)細(xì)地解釋給你聽，你如果還記不住，真是該打手心！”第二天，這個(gè)學(xué)生朗朗背誦道：“我姓趙，我有錢，我的孫子李萬年。”同學(xué)們聽了，哈哈大笑。

到了哪一頭

小伙子當(dāng)恩在街上突然碰到幾個(gè)月前給他主持婚禮儀式的牧師。

當(dāng)恩問牧師：“在舉行婚禮的時(shí)候，您不是代表上帝宣布：我和我妻子的一切煩惱都已經(jīng)到頭了嗎？可是現(xiàn)在我正煩惱得很哪！”

“對(duì)，我是這樣說過。”牧師不慌不忙地回答，“煩惱有開始的一頭，也有消失的一頭；當(dāng)時(shí)我可并沒有說明您是到了哪一頭。”

彼此彼此

有個(gè)缺德鬼去給朋友拜年，在路上碰見了他的鄰居——一個(gè)聾子。他樂呵呵地拱手給聾子拜年：“恭喜你今年早死！”

聾子以為他說的都是吉利話，便回拜說：“你也一樣！你也一樣！”

哭與笑

有幾個(gè)人在野外拾到一個(gè)地理先生使用的羅盤，大家都不認(rèn)得，拿給毛拉看是件什么東西。

毛拉先是嗚嗚地哭，接著又哈哈地大笑起來。弄得這幾個(gè)人迷惑不解地問：“你又哭又笑的，到底是怎么回事？”

毛拉誠懇地答道：“我開始哭，是覺得你們太愚昧，連這么個(gè)小東西都不認(rèn)識(shí)；后來笑，是因?yàn)槲野l(fā)現(xiàn)自己也不認(rèn)得這東西。”

手套

中華民國時(shí)期有個(gè)染坊工人被法院傳票到法庭上作證，他舉手宣誓時(shí)，整個(gè)手黑得像墨一樣，法官見了，就高聲叫道：“你先脫掉手套，然后再宣誓。”

染坊工人認(rèn)真地說：“請(qǐng)你戴上眼鏡，看清后再發(fā)言。”

主教落入陷阱 主教聽別人說，到紐約后很有可能被報(bào)界拖入預(yù)設(shè)的陷阱，所以要格外小心。在機(jī)場(chǎng)，有位記者一見面就問他：“你想上夜總會(huì)嗎？”主教想岔開這個(gè)問題，就譏笑著反問：“紐約有夜總會(huì)嗎？”真沒想到，他還是落入了陷阱。因?yàn)榈诙靾?bào)紙上報(bào)道這次會(huì)見的大標(biāo)題是：“主教走下飛機(jī)后的第一個(gè)問題：?紐約有夜總會(huì)嗎?？”

一字之差

有一個(gè)教徒結(jié)了婚，她接到了朋友發(fā)來的賀電。電文原本是“約翰1—4—18”。朋友的意思是讓她查看《圣經(jīng)》中《約翰福音》一書，數(shù)字標(biāo)著的頁碼和行數(shù)原是一句祝賀與鼓勵(lì)的話：“愛里沒有懼怕，愛既完全，就把懼怕除去。”

不幸送來的電文漏掉了“1”字，只見電文上寫著約翰“4—18”。新娘按電文原意一翻《約翰福音》第四章18節(jié)，只見那里寫著：“你已經(jīng)有五個(gè)丈夫，你現(xiàn)在有的，并不是你的丈夫。”

損人損己

一位美貌溫柔的年輕姑娘獨(dú)自坐在酒吧里。從她的裝束便可以看出她一定出身豪門。

這時(shí)，一位瀟灑英俊的青年男子向她走來，有禮貌地低聲問：“這兒有人坐嗎？。”

她大聲說：“到阿芙達(dá)旅館去？”

“不，不。你弄錯(cuò)了。”青年有幾分惶悚，急忙解釋說：“我只是問這兒有其他人坐嗎？”

“您說今夜就去？”她尖聲叫道，比剛才更激動(dòng)。

青年男子被她弄得狼狽極了，紅著臉兒到另一張桌子上去了。許多顧客憤慨而輕蔑地看著他。

過了一會(huì)，年輕姑娘又來到他的桌邊，給他叫了一杯白蘭地輕聲說：“對(duì)不起，我只是想看看您對(duì)意外情況的反應(yīng)。”

青年本來氣就未消，見她這般言行，決心叫她也出一次丑，他大聲地說：“什么？一次要一百美元嗎？”

這一次，窘迫輪給這位年輕的姑娘了。

想跳舞嗎

大半個(gè)晚上都沒有一個(gè)人邀請(qǐng)瑪麗小姐步入舞池，使她感到非常失望。這時(shí)一位英俊瀟灑的男士向她含笑走來，瑪麗急忙起身微笑相迎。

“您想跳舞嗎？小姐？”那位男士問道。

“是的，謝謝你的邀請(qǐng)。”

“正好，我可以坐你的位置了。”

黑暗中的一吻

火車進(jìn)入隧道，整個(gè)車廂里一片黑暗。只聽一聲親吻，接著便是一記響亮的耳光。火車遲遲開出隧道后，車廂內(nèi)四個(gè)素不相識(shí)的人都沒有吱聲，唯有德國軍官眼圈發(fā)青。中國老太太暗想：“這姑娘人美心靈更美。”姑娘想：“真奇怪，這德國人寧親老太婆不親我。”德國人想：“羅馬尼亞人真狡猾，他偷著親嘴，我暗里挨打。”羅馬尼亞人想：“我最聰明，我吻自己的手背，又打了德國人一個(gè)耳光，沒人發(fā)現(xiàn)。”

最值錢的東西

從前，有一個(gè)國王統(tǒng)率的軍隊(duì)包圍了一座城池。進(jìn)城之前，國王發(fā)布一條命令：城中的婦女皆可免于一死，明天天亮之前，可以攜帶自己最值錢的東西離開城池，國王保證大家的安全。不久，只見全城婦女人人背上都背著

一個(gè)沉重的包袱，上氣不接下氣地走出城門，一個(gè)個(gè)累得滿頭大汗。原來她們身上背的包袱里，都是自己的丈夫。

美人效應(yīng)

羅馬一家自助餐廳的老板整天苦思冥想，終于想出一個(gè)賺別人小費(fèi)的妙計(jì)。他首先請(qǐng)來一位非常漂亮的姑娘，坐在柜臺(tái)旁邊收錢，以便使得男客們神魂顛倒，慷慨解囊。

誰料到姑娘上班沒幾天，就對(duì)老板說：“我想，我不如以前那么漂亮了。”

老板急忙問：“這是怎么回事呢？”

“現(xiàn)在，所有的男客都在柜臺(tái)邊反復(fù)地?cái)?shù)我找給他們的零錢。”

聰明的證據(jù)

19世紀(jì)時(shí)，西方一些科學(xué)家聲稱找到了白種人比黃種人聰明的科學(xué)證據(jù)：“黃種人的頭發(fā)截面是圓的，而白種人的則是橢圓的，橢圓有兩個(gè)圓心，規(guī)畫更為不易，可見上帝是偏愛白種人的。”殊料，20世紀(jì)初，人類學(xué)家在非洲某地區(qū)發(fā)現(xiàn)了一個(gè)黑人原始部落，他們的頭發(fā)與黃種人和白種人都不一樣，是扁的。體檢

一位個(gè)頭很大的愛爾蘭青年信步走進(jìn)了一間辦公室，里面正在由軍醫(yī)進(jìn)行對(duì)警察候選人的體格檢查。

軍醫(yī)對(duì)他說：“脫下衣服來。”

“您說什么，先生？”

“把衣服脫光，快一點(diǎn)！”

青年人脫了衣服。軍醫(yī)給他量了胸圍，檢查了脊背后，命令：“跳過這根橫桿。”

青年人照著做了，結(jié)果動(dòng)作還好，但摔了個(gè)仰八叉。

“雙膝并攏，兩手觸地。”青年人按要求又做了，因失去平衡，跌倒在地上。

待他爬起來，軍醫(yī)又命令：“在這冷水池里跳躍五分鐘。”

“這太滑稽了。”青年人嘟囔著。

“現(xiàn)在繞著房子跑十圈，我要檢查你的心臟和呼吸。”

青年人終于氣惱地說：“我不，我寧愿打一輩子光棍！”

軍醫(yī)一聽，困惑地問：“你這是什么意思？”

青年人說：“是的，打光棍！辦個(gè)結(jié)婚手續(xù)哪來這么多的麻煩？”

“啊！”軍醫(yī)笑著向他走來，“可憐的年輕人，你走錯(cuò)辦公室了！”

傷心的故事

有三個(gè)美國人到紐約度假。他們走進(jìn)一座高層旅館，訂了一個(gè)套間。房間是在大樓的第四十五層。

傍晚，三個(gè)人外出看戲，回到旅館時(shí)已是深夜了。

“真對(duì)不起，”旅館服務(wù)員說：“今晚我們這幢大樓所有的電梯都出了毛病。若諸位不打算徒步回房間，我們會(huì)想辦法，給你們?cè)诖髲d找個(gè)安頓的地方。”

“不必了，”其中一個(gè)叫湯姆的說：“太謝謝您了，我們不想在大廳里過夜。可以自己走上去。”

開始登樓了，湯姆對(duì)兩個(gè)同伴說：“爬上四十五層，可不是件容易事，不過我知道怎樣使之從難變易。一路上，我負(fù)責(zé)給你們講笑話，安迪，你唱幾支歌。還有你，彼德，給咱們講幾個(gè)有趣的故事。”

于是，湯姆講笑話，安迪唱歌，好不容易才爬到三十四層，大家都疲備不堪，決定先休息一下。“喂，”湯姆說：“現(xiàn)在輪到你了，彼德。該給咱們講個(gè)長一點(diǎn)的故事，情節(jié)要有趣，最后來個(gè)使人傷心的結(jié)尾。”

“那我就照你們的要求，講一個(gè)使人傷心的故事。”彼德說：“故事并不長，卻使人傷心極了：我們把房間鑰匙忘在大廳啦！”

正點(diǎn)到站

商人吉米在鐵路上做了多年的買賣，這一天他偶然發(fā)現(xiàn)一列火車很準(zhǔn)時(shí)到了站。

他急忙地跑到列車員跟前說：“請(qǐng)吸煙，我祝賀你！我在這條鐵路上跑了十五年，這還是第一次看見火車正點(diǎn)到站。”

“留著你的煙吧，”列車員說：“這是該昨天此時(shí)到達(dá)的車！” 遺憾

一位女士上了電車，車上座無虛席，一位先生立即起身讓坐。誰知那位女士毫無表情地入座。先生問道：

“夫人，你說什么？”

“先生，我什么也沒說。”

“夫人，真遺憾，我以為你說了聲謝謝呢。”

明天白吃

一位法國年輕人經(jīng)過外省的一個(gè)小城市，看到一家飯店的門上掛著一個(gè)牌寫道：“明天，人們?cè)谶@里吃飯不用付錢。”

那位年輕人盤算著他將美美飽吃一頓。

翌日清晨，天真的年輕人走進(jìn)這家飯店：“伙計(jì)，來一杯牛奶咖啡，外加面包、黃油和干酪！”

老板瞟了他一眼，看著他陳舊的上衣和帽子想：無疑，他不是太有錢的人！老板便質(zhì)問起年輕人：“你吃飯有錢付嗎？”

“吃飯付錢？昨天我看了你們門上的招牌，上面明明寫著今天人們?cè)谶@里吃飯是不用付錢的呀！”

“你真是個(gè)大笨蛋，再去看看門上寫的。”

年輕人走過去一看，只見門上掛的牌仍然寫著：“明天，人們?cè)谶@里吃飯不用付錢。”

“明天，可不是今天！”

“啊！現(xiàn)在我明白了：這里從來就沒有明天！”

酒與水

加布羅沃附近的一個(gè)村子聘請(qǐng)了一位老師，為村里的孩子們?nèi)谓蹋远考颐磕杲o他兩桶白蘭地酒作為勞務(wù)酬金。

到了開始釀造白蘭地的季節(jié)，老師準(zhǔn)備了好幾個(gè)大酒缸，用來收集村民們送來的酒。全村約二百戶，共收得酒四百桶。

過了不久，老師貼出廣告，要把酒賣掉。

來了一個(gè)做酒生意的商販，舀起酒來嘗了嘗，皺起眉頭走了。

這是怎么回事？其實(shí)情況非常簡單：每一個(gè)村民都想著那么一大缸烈性白蘭地酒，摻上兩桶水誰又能嘗得出來呢？

都沒有了

一位顧客走進(jìn)一家餐館，把大衣脫下掛在衣帽間，然后坐到桌旁喊道：“來一份熟牛肉。”服務(wù)員對(duì)他說：“對(duì)不起，沒有了。”于是顧客改訂了

一份牛排。不一會(huì)兒，服務(wù)員又空著手走出來，再次說：“對(duì)不起，沒有了！”接下去，顧客又改訂了幾樣菜，都被告知“沒有了”。顧客很氣憤，站起來說：“那好吧，請(qǐng)你把我的大衣拿來！”不久，服務(wù)員慢吞吞地走過來，微笑著說：“真抱歉，您的大衣也沒有了！”

仍沒法喝

麥克走進(jìn)飯店，坐了下來。他看了一下菜單，僅點(diǎn)了一個(gè)湯，正在忙碌著的服務(wù)員馬上給他端了上來。過了一會(huì)兒，他把服務(wù)員叫了過來，說：“對(duì)不起，這湯我沒法喝。”

服務(wù)員感到很奇怪，把菜單拿來，又請(qǐng)他點(diǎn)了一個(gè)湯。很快，湯就端來了。然而，過了一陣兒，麥克又把他叫了來：“真對(duì)不起，這湯我還是喝不了。”

服務(wù)員更感到奇怪了，這次他不再拿來菜單，而是把經(jīng)理叫了過來。經(jīng)理畢恭畢恭敬地對(duì)麥克點(diǎn)點(diǎn)頭，說：“先生，這道湯是本店最拿手的，深受歡迎，難道您……”

“噢，我并沒說這湯味道有什么不好。盡管它味道鮮美，但我還是沒法喝，您看看：調(diào)羹在哪里呢？”

各付各的帳

法國一個(gè)新開張的小酒館門口，常常有些人徘徊著。這時(shí)，酒店里有個(gè)人喊道：“來呀！朋友們。我喝酒的時(shí)候，每個(gè)人都可以喝酒。”

門外那些人毫不猶豫地?cái)D進(jìn)來，像他一樣，向柜臺(tái)取了一杯威士忌，并且也像他一樣，一口氣將它喝干了。

這人又喊道：“我要再來一杯，朋友們，你們每個(gè)人也可以再來一杯。”

于是，大家都懷著激動(dòng)的心情又干了一杯，干杯時(shí)還向這人露出滿臉的微笑。

喝完后，這人從他口袋里掏出兩美元放到柜臺(tái)上，吼道：“我付賬的時(shí)候，你們也該付賬了！”

即將吵架

一個(gè)男子走進(jìn)一間酒吧對(duì)女招待說：“在吵架之前，給我來一杯可可！”

女招待慌忙遞給他一杯。幾分鐘后，那人又對(duì)女招待說：“吵架之前給我送點(diǎn)牛排和炸土豆片來。”女招待更加吃驚，但還是把菜送來了。

就這樣，二十分鐘過去了，女招待出于好奇，問道：“可是，你說的那個(gè)吵架是怎么一回事？究竟什么時(shí)候開始？”

“馬上就開始！”男人實(shí)在地回答道：“因?yàn)槲覜]錢買單。” 屠戶和律師

在美國的一個(gè)市場(chǎng)區(qū)一條大狼狗經(jīng)過一個(gè)屠夫的店鋪，它跳上肉臺(tái)銜走了一塊掛在鐵鉤上的肉，屠戶很快就認(rèn)出這是鄰舍一位律師的愛犬，于是徑直走到那位律師家里。

“律師先生，我想問你一件事，有一條狗偷走我店內(nèi)一大塊肉，我可以控告狗主，索回肉錢嗎？”

“當(dāng)然可以。”這位律師界的“名人”毫不遲疑地回答。

“那好。先生，是您的愛犬偷了我的肉。這是很大一塊上等精肉，足足有兩公斤重，你該付給我六美元。”

律師瞧了屠戶一眼，一語不發(fā)，很快如數(shù)付了錢。屠戶拿了錢得意忘形，三步并作兩步回到家里，一刻鐘后，他接到了這樣一封信：

“屠戶先生，你欠律師約翰先生一件普通案的咨詢費(fèi)十五美元整。限三日內(nèi)償清，否則法庭見面。” 讓神父祈禱

一艘船在航行時(shí)遇到了風(fēng)暴，船艙破損，進(jìn)水很多，船正在下沉。船長只好在風(fēng)暴中大聲問：“誰會(huì)祈禱？”

船上有一名神父自告奮勇地回答：“我會(huì)。”

船長說：“那好，你祈禱吧！我們其余人都套上救生圈，因?yàn)檎刹钜粋€(gè)救生圈。” 知識(shí)和頭發(fā)

某人跟一個(gè)面貌長得丑陋的教主打趣說：“你贊美真主，就是因?yàn)樗涯阍斓眠@么美嗎？”

教主高傲地反駁說：“我雖然長得難看，然而真主賜給我的知識(shí)，就跟你的頭發(fā)一樣多！”

對(duì)方脫下戴在頭上的帽子，笑著說：“我是個(gè)禿子，這下你怎么講？”

天國與地獄

星期天，牧師到教堂對(duì)信徒們說：“希望到天國的人，請(qǐng)起立！”除了 前排的一位少女外，大家全都站了起來。

“好。”牧師讓大家坐下，然后又問道：“希望到地獄去的人，請(qǐng)起立！”

這次沒有一個(gè)人站起來，于是牧師走近那位少女，詫異地問：“你究竟希望到哪兒去呢？”

少女很快答道：“只要留在這兒！”