第一篇：小品英語(yǔ)

English Learning 第一部分

報(bào)幕員臺(tái)詞：

W: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.Both: 大家晚上好。

W: With the opening up of China and the development of its tourism industry, English, as an international language, is becoming more and more important.M: 隨著中國(guó)的對(duì)外開放，旅游業(yè)的迅速發(fā)展，英語(yǔ)，作為國(guó)際語(yǔ)言，在我們的身邊變得越來越重要。

W: The Government of the Baoji City calls on the whole city to learn English.M: 寶雞市委、市政府號(hào)召全市人民興起了學(xué)習(xí)英語(yǔ)的新高潮。

W: Now, you can see everyone, men and women, young and old, learning English everywhere.M: 如今，在寶雞，您隨處可見男男女女、老老少少都在學(xué)英語(yǔ)。我們金口才外國(guó)語(yǔ)學(xué)校里的學(xué)生都特別的愛學(xué)英語(yǔ)，這不，在我們的課余時(shí)間里兩位同學(xué)就對(duì)英語(yǔ)學(xué)習(xí)進(jìn)行了一番討論。Ok.Let's enjoy the performance, “English learning”.請(qǐng)欣賞我們的小品《學(xué)英語(yǔ)》。

第二部分

劇本臺(tái)詞：

（時(shí)間：星期一早晨 地點(diǎn)：校園里）

Li Le:（出場(chǎng)）My name is Le le, I am a student of our training School.But I just came here yesterday, I know nothing about English.SUN: My name is Le le。

LI:（樂樂上。練讀旅游英語(yǔ)300句）How do you do(好賭有賭)? How do you do(好賭有賭)? Nice to meet you（奶死吐米油）.Me，too.I can't speak Chinese（愛砍他死屁踩你死）.Can（砍）you（油）speak English(英國(guó)歷史)? Yes, a little（啊里頭）.What can I do for you（我砍愛讀佛油）? 這不，中國(guó)的發(fā)展這么快，人人都在學(xué)英語(yǔ)，我也要更加努力學(xué)好English?..芳芳，芳芳！

SUN: 你好，樂樂。LI: 你好，你再聽我讀一遍，看看還有什么地方讀得不好。（讀旅游 英語(yǔ)300句）How do you do(好賭有賭)? How do you do（好賭有賭）? Nice to meet you（奶死吐米油）.Me，too.I can't speak Chinese.（愛砍他死屁踩你死）.Can you speak English(砍油死屁英國(guó)歷史)? Yes（爺死）, a little（啊里頭）.What can I do for you（我砍愛讀佛油）?（他邊讀邊搖頭晃腦，很自豪的樣子）

Fang: 奶奶，什么“好賭有賭”，是“How do you do? ”。不是“英國(guó)歷史”，是“English”。是“ Chinese”，不是“踩你死”。跟我讀。How do you do?(奶奶跟讀)不行，How do you do?（奶奶跟讀）好，再讀 一 遍，（奶奶讀）好,很 好.I can't speak Chinese.Can you speak English?（奶奶跟讀）再來，I can't speak Chinese.(奶奶跟讀)好的，再來。（奶奶讀）Can you speak English?(奶奶跟讀)好，再練一下。

A:Do,do,do,how do you do? See, see, see, nice to see you.ABCDEFG, I must 攻克you。Yeah.B:Hey, hey,hey.挺認(rèn)真的呢！在干什么？英國(guó)老鼠,很時(shí)代感呀！

A：哎，不學(xué)也不行了。往事不可提呀，太傷我們中華民族的自尊了。B：這么慘，說來聽聽。

A：哎，有一次我在廣州和daddy, mummy去廣州乘bus.B：guangzhou bus, wow，many people.A：對(duì)了，人都快被擠成相片了。那bus go,stop,go, stop，我是東搖西晃前赴后繼,啊，一不小心—— B：撞死了。

A：你咋就不能說一句好話??！撞死了誰(shuí)做你的搭檔?。〔鹊胶竺嫒说哪_了。我回頭一看，原來是一個(gè)身材魁梧，黃頭發(fā)，藍(lán)眼睛，白皮膚—— B：你說老外得了唄！

A：我一看是老外，咱可不能丟我們中華少年兒童的良好傳統(tǒng)，于是我露出一個(gè)真誠(chéng)的、迷人的微笑，說：I’m sorry!B:Oh,I’m sorry ,too!

A:我這心一想：啊，人家老外sorry two, Oh, I’m sorry three.B:What are you sorry for? A:哎呀！這老外是寸步不讓啊，他都Sorry four了，不行，我好歹也是學(xué)了五六年的英語(yǔ)了，我連忙說Oh,Oh,Oh,I’m sorry five!B:Sorry five? HA!HA!HA!A:這老外還敢取笑我，氣剎吾也！I’ll give you some colour to see see!B：（模仿老外口音）什么？你要給我一點(diǎn)顏色看看！

A：我一聽，太傷自尊心了，于是一橫心就打算把這破英語(yǔ)搞好。聽說您最近英語(yǔ)學(xué)得很有心得，是不是真的呢？

B：不敢，不敢，只不過是學(xué)得了一點(diǎn)兒皮毛，說不上一級(jí)棒！A：那這樣子好了，讓我來考考您！

B：沒問題，盡管考～（一副很有自信的樣子）

A：注意聽了：I am the apple of my parent's eye."是什么意思？

B：apple,那還不容易嗎？我們學(xué)校一年級(jí)的小朋友都會(huì)了，還考我：蘋果啦。eye:就是眼睛。蘋果眼睛，蘋果怎么在眼睛呢？錯(cuò)了，肯定是句錯(cuò)句。那些老外的眼睛那么大的嗎？往你父母的眼睛放蘋果？ A：Ｎo-No-No-------

B：Oh, please.（哀求狀）到底是什么了？

A:嘿嘿，不懂了吧。你想想，我的爸爸媽媽最疼哪個(gè)呀？ B：當(dāng)然是你啦。

A：對(duì)了，在他們的眼里，我是什么了？ B：小寶貝，小皇帝。

A：汝子可教，汝子可教呀。那么: I am the apple of my parents' eye.就是說： A/B：我是我父母的小寶貝，我父母的掌上明珠。

B：英國(guó)老鼠的知識(shí)實(shí)在太有趣了，我一定要好好地學(xué)習(xí)。A：對(duì)。讓我們天天read，天天listen,天天進(jìn)步！yeah.

第二篇：英語(yǔ)小品

Christmas Parry A： Today is Christmas, we have a Christmas party, let's have a look!

（今天是圣誕節(jié)，我們一個(gè)圣誕聚會(huì)，一起來看看吧！）(敲門，好朋友問好)B：hi！marry！Happy Christmas AC：hi！linda！Happy Christmas?。ㄟM(jìn)門）

DC；WOW！how beautiful!C: Why wear so many things in the room? B :You don't know!This is a Christmas tree.Christmas tree is a celebration of the most famous Christmas traditions.Modern Christmas tree originated in Germany.Usually people are around to a Christmas evergreen trees such as pines get into the house or outdoors, and use Christmas lights and colorful ornaments decorated(圣誕樹是圣誕節(jié)慶祝中最有名的傳統(tǒng)之一。近代圣誕樹起源于德國(guó)。通常人們?cè)谑フQ前后把一棵常綠植物如松樹弄進(jìn)屋里或者在戶外，并用圣誕燈和彩色的裝飾物裝飾。并把一個(gè)天使或星星放在樹的頂上。)D ：Do you know the origin of the Christmas ? Christmas is a Christian holiday that celebrates the birth of Jesus

Christ.The story of Christmas comes chiefly from the Gospels of Saint Luke and Saint Matthew in the New Testament.Christians celebrate Christmas, and later spread across the globe(你知道圣誕節(jié)的由來嗎？圣誕節(jié)是基督教的節(jié)日。圣誕節(jié)的故事主要來自圣盧克和圣馬太的福音書新約。基督徒慶祝圣誕節(jié),后來在全球范圍內(nèi)傳播)E:I know about Santa Claus。In the United States, children will hang Christmas stockings on the fireplace on Christmas Eve.what do you know,Alice?(我知道圣誕老人。在美國(guó),孩子們會(huì)把圣誕襪掛在壁爐在圣誕前夜,你知道些什么？)C：I also know some.At Christmas people have a hearty dinner, usually people like Turkey, ginger bread, etc.。（我只知道一些，在圣誕節(jié)人們有一頓豐盛的晚餐，通常人們喜愛火雞，姜餅等）

B：That’s great!Let's listen to the music!(真好！讓我們聽點(diǎn)兒音樂！)MUSIC。。。謝幕！

第三篇：英語(yǔ)小品

對(duì)白：幾年前來中國(guó)的外國(guó)老師有來到中國(guó)執(zhí)教了，今天她想去逛一下超市，順便看一下中國(guó)的變化。

Vicky: Wow!The city has changed a lot.The flowers are beautiful.The buildings are so high.I want to buy a new skirt for my brother.獨(dú)白：Vicky外國(guó)老師來到了佳樂家超市，進(jìn)入了賣裙子專區(qū)。

Vicky: Hello!

賣家：How do you do?

Vicky: How do you do? I want to buy this skirt.賣家：（贊揚(yáng)的表情）This skirt is so beautiful.You must buy it for yourself.Vicky: No, no, no.I buy it for my brother as present.賣家：（大笑）哪里會(huì)有賣男士裙子的？哈哈哈哈哈哈，還有男的穿裙子啊？？！哈哈哈哈哈

Vicky: No, I’m from Scotland.In my hometown, men have skirts in festivals.賣家：（恍然大悟狀）哦，在春晚上，小沈陽(yáng)就是穿的蘇格蘭裙子的。Oh，I see.Vicky: That’s it.獨(dú)白：Vicky 仔細(xì)端詳了一下裙子

Vicky：This one is great.I’ll buy it.How much is it?

賣家：Five hundred.(賣家包裝裙子)This is your skirt and it’s our gift.Welcome to China.獨(dú)白：經(jīng)過一上午的購(gòu)物，到了午飯的時(shí)間，Vicky 決定去吃當(dāng)?shù)氐男〕浴icky 外國(guó)老師來到了一處賣我烤肉串的地方。

Vicky(指著一串烤肉)：How much?

店主：哇，來了塊大肥肉啊，這老外不知道價(jià)格，我要狠狠的宰她一下，哈哈哈（竊喜）Vicky: How much?(動(dòng)作：伸出一根手指頭)

店主： Five Yuan.Vicky: 別人家（動(dòng)作：指向別的店鋪）Two Yuan.YouFive Yuan.It’s expensive.不公平。（用外國(guó)人的口音說）

店主：（小聲說）（驚奇的表情）這老外居然還懂點(diǎn)漢語(yǔ)啊。

This is my dad’s dad’s dad’s dad’s 烤肉秘方，Delicious , this is delicious very much..這烤肉千里飄香，吃一口保準(zhǔn)你想再來一口。

Vicky: Really?? 真的么？？ Deal

店主 包裝食品

A few minutes later

獨(dú)白： Vicky老師捂著肚子，臉色發(fā)黃，她回來找店主了。

喜羊羊與灰太狼 主題曲伴奏開始

Vicky 老師唱： 別看我是個(gè)老外，我就是一直肥羊，店主是一只灰太狼。

Lilei：(對(duì)Vicky 說)I’m a primary school student.What’s wrong with you?

Vicky: I bought the meat, but it makes me sick.I have called a friend to help me.She is going to come here.(做打電話狀)

Lilei：（對(duì)店主說）我已經(jīng)看到事情的經(jīng)過了，你怎么能賣的一樣的東西卻比別人的貴呢？？而且還有質(zhì)量問題，這不是丟我們國(guó)人的臉么？

店主：（作自夸狀）我經(jīng)營(yíng)烤肉店數(shù)十載，歷史悠久，味道獨(dú)特，當(dāng)然價(jià)格要貴了，還用得著你這個(gè)小娃娃來教育我么？？！

獨(dú)白： Vicky的朋友來了（The friend comes）.Lilei：（驚訝表情）Miss Hou, It’s you!

Miss Hou:(驚訝表情)Lilei，What are you doing here?

Vicky: You know each other?

Miss Hou:(微笑)（對(duì)著Vicky說）He is my student.(對(duì)lilei說)This is our new teacher.Lilei：我本來要去圖書館的，但是我剛才看到了賣烤肉的店主賣壞的烤肉給這位老師。Miss Hou:(對(duì)店主說)How can you do that? 你怎么能做這樣的事呢？怎么可以欺騙我們的外國(guó)友人呢？

店主 低頭，作反思表情

Miss Hou:(對(duì)lilei說)You are honest.I take pride of you.店主：(道歉，悔恨的說)I’m sorry about that.I shouldn’t ask a high price for you.I will refund the money.I’m also sorry about the meat.I would like to undertake your lose.Vicky:(原諒的表情)I accept your apology.I also feel your honesty.獨(dú)白： 店主真誠(chéng)的向Vicky 老師道歉了，Vicky老師也接受了道歉，同時(shí)lilei也發(fā)揚(yáng)了我們中華民族誠(chéng)信的美德，值得我們大家學(xué)習(xí)。

Miss Hou, Vicky, lilei鼓掌贊揚(yáng)店主知錯(cuò)能改。

第四篇：英語(yǔ)小品

《Psychology sharing》

角色分配：

Doctor1=D1 Doctor2=D2 Patient1=P1Patient2=P2 Patient3=P3 Patient4=P4 正文對(duì)白（無旁白）

D1、D2: Hello everyone,we are the psychology assistants of Zhejiang University.D1: We are responsible to give an ear for you,our dear classmates, to share puzzles or disappointments you meet.D2: Study, emotion, love, whatever in your daily life.D1、D2: And we will provide as much as we can to help you overcome the peak in your mind.Section1: D1: You look so down, poor boy.P1: I can’t believe that.(低聲默念)D1: Pardon me please.I will try to catchit this time.P1: I can’t believe that!（大聲嚷出）

D1: Got it.（低聲無奈）But, what’s the matter with you? If you speak it out, it may be not as serious as you thought.P1: But it really is.I have never imagined this shamed<羞恥的> thing occurs to me and I have no dignity<尊嚴(yán)> to face everyone surrounding me.I’m not the focus of others anymore because my grades drop from4.9 to 4.8 this term.（雙手抱頭作絕望狀）

D1: Oh, my goodness!I have to take back my words;you are not a poor boy…（低聲無奈）You know, I have only got once 4.0, while, in a math-class dream.（難為情）P1: What a poor boy!（捂臉作無奈狀）

D1: However, I still lead a happy life.One thing you must be clear is that marks are not the whole of your life and there must exist<存在> something more meaningful.Put down those endless exercises and go outside the tight classroom, maybe you’ll find another sky of college.P1: I’ll take a risk.Thank you.D1: Good luck to you.You need a new life.Section2: D1: What’s your problem? P2: I find myself useless.D1: What happened? Maybe I can give you a favor.P2: I noticed her at the first sight.I tried to know everything about her, her major;her hobby, her favorite song,but she never pays any attention on my…（沉默狀）

D1: You mean your hidden love? Because you never talk to her!

P2: Sorry, I can’t make it.（慚愧狀）You know, I’m an engineering student, so I haven’t talked to female for one year except my mother on the phone!D1: Well…（無奈狀）You really need more practice.Now try to imagine me as your dreaming girl.P2: If she looks like the same as you, I guess I’ll never talk to her.D1:（自取其辱狀）I mean, just imagine and try.P2: Imagine…（假想陶醉狀）Darling!Do you know how I love you!I can’t fall asleep when I think of your charming<迷人的> smile and I am always dreamed about walking along the lake hand in hand.Believe me, I’m your future.I will devote whatever I have in loving you.Give me a chance, please, please, please……（作更深一步陶醉狀）（P2抓住D1的手不放，D1嚇得神魂錯(cuò)亂，起身逃離現(xiàn)場(chǎng)，P2緊追不舍并保持陶醉狀）Section3: P3: She doesn’t need me anymore…（委屈絕望狀）D2: Hey, man, cheer up!What’s the matter? P3: I joined the Student Union of our school and I was set in a working group including a pretty girl.We stay connection every day and go for dinner together after finishing the assignment.And I always consider her just as a companion at work.But my girlfriend doesn’t believe that.D2: What a pity!Have your girlfriend evercome cross you two together? P3: Never...（作猶豫狀）Except for yesterday...D2: Then what happened? P3: She ran away and texted me at night,everything is over.（惋惜狀）D2: Do you love her now?（此句及下句要說清，下段有鋪墊，重音一定要加強(qiáng)）

P3: Of course the answer is yes, that is why I come here.I don’t know what I can do to save it.D2: Perhaps it was all caused by her compulsion at the time, if you say sorry to her and explain for your working relationship,maybe she will take back her words.P3: ….（默許點(diǎn)頭，輕輕離座，坐在離主表演臺(tái)較近的地方不要離開）Section4: P4:（哭泣狀，聲音哽咽）I should have given him the chance to explain.I was so annoyed and compulsive that time, so….I took out all the photos we took together and all the gifts he gave to me and I found myself really can’t put down all unforgettable experience with him.It was my fault but I can't own him anymore.D2: Do you love him now? P4: Of course the answer is yes, that is why I come here.I don’t know what I can do to save it.D2: Oh, what the hell!You are definitely<顯然的> the couple.Then follow me, quickly, he can’t be so far from here.（推門而出，發(fā)現(xiàn)P3就坐在外面）

P3: I heard what you had said in.I love you, honey.P4: I will never let it go.（P3與P4相擁許久，D1用手機(jī)播放My heart will go on最好多幾個(gè)手機(jī)不然聲音太小）全體: Welcome to share your problem.my fault but I can’t own him anymore.

第五篇：英語(yǔ)小品

（舞臺(tái)上是一個(gè)餐廳的背景，寫著：“蘇格蘭情調(diào)”。本山大叔穿著中山裝，身上背著一串蒜頭，手上拿著野雞，拉著毛毛上場(chǎng)。）

(This short play is set in a restaurant named “Scottish Taste / Feel.” Uncle Zhao, in his customary Chinese tunic suit, enters, carrying a string of garlic on his back and a pheasant in hand, with his granddaughter Yadar in tow.)趙本山：到了。毛毛：

到了。

趙本山：這就是鐵嶺最貴的一家飯店。這不，蘇格蘭調(diào)情（tiáo qíng）。毛毛：

爺爺，你念反了，蘇格蘭情調(diào)（qíng diào）。趙本山：啊，情調(diào)？就擱這兒吃。毛毛：

爺爺，這家老貴的啦。

趙本山：貴？咱帶錢了，帶三萬(wàn)多塊，那包呢？ 毛毛：

我沒拿包啊。趙本山：裝錢那包，黃包。毛毛：

完了，讓我落炕上了。

趙本山：我說，你這孩子還能辦點(diǎn)事嗎？！這給你辦事，落炕上了還。兜里還有錢嗎？ 毛毛：

兜里，多少錢哪才？才70多塊錢。趙本山：我還有400。行，夠了。毛毛：

這也不能夠啊。

趙本山：哎呀，夠不夠就這樣了。服務(wù)員！Uncle Zhao Here we are.Yadar

Here we are.Uncle Zhao It's the most pricy eatin' spot in Tieling: “Scottish Tease / Fool.” Yadar

You got it wrongfrom the inside out.Uncle Zhao Then how c'me you wearin' a skirt? Shenyang

Why, it's men's wear in Scottish style.See, it's no skirt but Capri pants.Look at this, look.Oh, damn it, I didn't get into one of the trousers in a hurry.No wonder I feel different while walking.Uncle Zhao Leave that trouser for tomorrow, hah!I tell you, boy, we're gonna have a damn' important guest here in a minute.You should do you' best.Shenyang

No problem.Uncle Zhao How much does a meal cost here if we get at it like mad? Shenyang

Why so / What's wrong? Uncle Zhao I mean if we order nothin' but the best.Shenyang

About 10,000 to 20,000.Uncle Zhao Whut if s'mebody eats today and pays tomorrow? 小沈陽(yáng)：打白條兒?。?/p>

趙本山：不是啊，不是打白條，不差錢，有錢。喏。小沈陽(yáng)：啥意思？ 趙本山：小費(fèi)。

小沈陽(yáng)：媽呀，大爺你真敞亮，你太帥了。趙本山：給一百塊錢還帥呢。我跟你說這不白給啊。一會(huì)兒客人到了，你一定要給足我面子，明白嗎？我到點(diǎn)菜的時(shí)候，你得替我兜著點(diǎn)。小沈陽(yáng)：咋兜呢？

趙本山：既把面子給了，但是呢又不能花得......太狠。我要點(diǎn)貴菜......小沈陽(yáng)：我就說沒有唄。

趙本山：哎呀媽呀，你太厲害了。來來來，拿點(diǎn)。再給你30，來。小沈陽(yáng)：我跟你都明碼的哦。趙本山：謝謝。小沈陽(yáng)：放心吧。

毛毛：

爺爺，我有點(diǎn)餓了。趙本山：餓了？來碗面條。小沈陽(yáng)：呃，78一碗。趙本山：啥面？這么貴。小沈陽(yáng)：蘇格蘭打鹵面。趙本山：是不是鹵子貴？ 小沈陽(yáng)：鹵不要錢。

趙本山：那就來碗鹵子，先嘗嘗咸淡?？烊?，快去。小沈陽(yáng)：媽呀，沒這么上過呀。

趙本山：那是我沒來，我要來，你早就這么上了。去吧去吧。小沈陽(yáng)：這老爺子，我要說面條不要錢，要面條了你還。Shenyang

You'll give me an IOU? Uncle Zhao Not that.I've got the money anyway.Take this.Shenyang

What's it? Uncle Zhao A tip for you.Shenyang

You do understand people / things / the world, sirZhujun!Oh sorry.Bai Yansong? Oh no.Or a Bi something!Are you Mr.Bi? CCTV Man I'm Bi Fujian.Shenyang

Come here everyone, it`s Mr.Bi here.(To CCTV Man)Why are you hanging out here, sir? Hurry up!Come here!He can go elsewhere at any minute.Uncle Zhao Whut the hell's going on? Anythin' to be so fussy abut? You're being hounded by a wolf? Shenyang

He's Mr.Bi...Uncle Zhao I know, an' he's the guest I'm honored to keep comp'ny today.Shenyang

Gosh, can I have a picture taken with you, Mr.Bi? Uncle Zhao(to Shenyang)Wait, wait.(To CCTV Man)Welc'me, Mr.Bi.CCTV Man Nice to meet you.Uncle Zhao I've been waitin' all this time for you.CCTV Man Thanks a lot really.May I have your name please? Uncle Zhao Which man did you expect to see? CCTV Man I'm looking for Zhao Tiezhu, chief of Lotus Township's cultural center.Uncle Zhao You got it.Here's his daddy and I'm...Yadar

Zhao Tiezhu is my daddy.Uncle Zhao An' I'm Tiezhu's daddy.Aren't you lookin' for a dad...I mean it's right to be looking my way.CCTV Man Hi, daddy...I mean buddy.So where's your son? Uncle Zhao He's at the township waitin' for you.Local government officials all lining up, too, to pay their pious respects to you.With enormous care they've prepared a great hall, a big room, with a large photo of you hung in the middle.Flowers all around.CCTV Man What're the colors of the flowers, buddy? Uncle Zhao They're all in white and yellow.Lots of folks' waiting for you with signature pens in hands, tears spillin' all over.CCTV Man Why's that? Uncle Zhao They're excited.CCTV Man Let's go there, then.Uncle Zhao The center asked me to feast you here in town first.How abut that? 3rd 畢福劍：在這兒吃飯？

趙本山：這是鐵嶺最貴的，你來吧。

畢福劍：別別，大爺，不，老哥，我在飛機(jī)上吃了。

趙本山：那客隨主便，好不好？給你怎么安排你就聽話，來來。小沈陽(yáng)：畢老師，你不給照個(gè)相嗎？畢老師。畢福劍：你是男服務(wù)員？ 小沈陽(yáng)：嗯哪。

畢福劍：長(zhǎng)得挺委婉的。

趙本山：我剛開始來就誤會(huì)了，你說哪有這打扮，哎呀媽呀。坐，剛到是吧？ 畢福劍：剛到，剛到。趙本山：咱是老鄉(xiāng)。畢福劍：是嗎？

趙本山：你不是大連人嗎？ 畢福劍：對(duì)對(duì)，大連人。趙本山：你住哪兒？

畢福間

我住大連老鱉灣。

趙本山：哎呀媽呀，有親戚，孩子她姥爺也在老鱉灣，也姓畢。畢福劍：你姥爺叫畢什么？ 毛毛：

畢門庭。

畢福劍：你姥爺打麻將肯定是高手。趙福劍：咋的？ 畢福劍：閉門聽嘛。

趙本山：正好你叫閉門炮。

CCTV Man Why here? Uncle Zhao Here we've got the best restaurant in Tieling.Do c'me this way please.CCTV Man But I've had my meal on the plane.Uncle Zhao You're my guest, so please follow my arrangements.Shenyang

A picture of the two of us, please.CCTV Man(to Shenyang)You're...a male waiter? Shenyang

Yup.CCTV Man

You look awfully, awfully sweet, boy.Uncle Zhao I, too, took him to be a woman when I first came.How funny he is dressin' up like this? Sit down here.Did you enjoy your trip? CCTV Man Yes, quite.Uncle Zhao We mus' be fellow townsmen.CCTV Man

Are we? Uncle Zhao Ain`t you from Dalian? CCTV Man Sure.Uncle Zhao Which part? CCTV Man Old Turtle Bend.Uncle Zhao Where her mummy's daddy used to live, too.So we're even relatives.CCTV Man(to Yadar)What`s his name? Yadar

Bi Menting.CCTV Man Your grandpa must be good at playing mahjong.Uncle Zhao Why? CCTV Man The name sounds like a mahjong term.Uncle Zhao That matches you' nickname “Bi Mengpao,” as you're a mahjong man you'self.畢福劍：我叫畢福劍。

趙本山：這也是的，沒準(zhǔn)兒都......實(shí)在......哎呀，這一笑，你看看，多像你姥爺臨走那張照片。毛毛：

爺爺，你快看，不笑更像。畢福劍：我今兒個(gè)躲不開了。

趙本山：孩子這一輩子，跟爺爺不行，就跟姥爺親。姥爺臨走把她哭完了?？煺J(rèn)姥爺。毛毛：

姥爺好。

畢福劍：別別別，起起......。大過年的，你要來這個(gè)，我得給你壓歲錢了。趙本山：不用，不用。哎呀，這家伙，來......小沈陽(yáng)：畢老師，你給我照個(gè)相唄。

趙本山：這沒吃飯呢，你先揣起來。點(diǎn)菜，快點(diǎn)。小沈陽(yáng)：照完再點(diǎn)唄。趙本山：點(diǎn)完再照。小沈陽(yáng)：要跑了呢？ 趙本山：。誰(shuí)跑??？畢老師都低調(diào)來的，你別跟人這樣說。她姥爺，這都......實(shí)在親戚，你就點(diǎn)吧。

畢福劍： 不不不，咱隨便吃點(diǎn)飯就可以了。您來，您來。

趙本山： 現(xiàn)在咱家都富了，農(nóng)民生活跟過去不一樣了。你就鉚勁兒吃，你說吃能吃多少錢哪。我點(diǎn)。

畢福劍：隨便來。

趙本山：澳洲鮑魚四只。小沈陽(yáng)：對(duì)不起，沒有。

畢福劍：算了，別點(diǎn)那么貴的。你往下來。趙本山：四斤的龍蝦。

小沈陽(yáng)：對(duì)不起，沒那么大的。

CCTV Man Just Bi Fujian.Uncle Zhao Yeah, whut an...well, I'm really...(To Yadar)Look, he smiles like the last picture of you' dead grandpa.Yadar

Look, even more like it when he doesn't.CCTV Man So I'm hopeless either way.Uncle Zhao The girl's much closer to her maternal grandpa than to me.Sort of cried her heart out when he died.Say hello to you' new grandpa.Yadar

(kneeling down / with a kowtow)How do you do, grandpa.CCTV Man Don't, please.It`s Spring Festvial now, and I should've given you some gift money.Uncle Zhao Don't bother with that, sir.You're indeed...Shenyang

We haven`t had our picture taken, sir.Uncle Zhao(to Shenyang)We haven't ordered our dishes yet.Put this damn' thing away.We'll see whut to eat first.C'me.Shenyang

Just one picture, please.Uncle Zhao Serve the meal first.Shenyang

What if he runs away after the meal? Uncle Zhao Who will? Mr.Bi's a modest man, coming all his way from Beijin' to give us folks a chance.Don't you say a thing like that.(To CCTV Man)I'm whut they call a “country pumpkin,” my dear in-law, not really knowin' how to treat a guest.So you please order the dishes.CCTV Man Don't be too polite.You do it.Uncle Zhao Now we peasants have got rich, much better off than before.Eat as much as you want, it ain't gonna be a big deal anyway.Please give me the menu.CCTV Man

Don't be extravagant, buddy.Uncle Zhao

Australian abalones, four.Shenyang

Sorry, they're out of stock.CCTV Man Too expensive anyway.Let's move on down.Uncle Zhao Lobsters of 2 kilos each.Shenyang

Sorry, nothing that big.4th 趙本山：有多大的？ 小沈陽(yáng)：有一斤多的。

趙本山：一斤多的......有嗎？ 趙本山：有......還是沒有??？

趙本山：這個(gè)......我跟你說，有沒有，這是你開的店呢，你還不明白？這不差錢。小沈陽(yáng)：哦......那沒有。

畢福劍：下邊我看看，魚翅就更別點(diǎn)了。

趙本山： 魚翅有也別吃了，我吃魚翅有一回就卡住了，后來用饅頭噎，用醋泡，都不好使，到醫(yī)院用鑷子拿出來的。不吃那玩意兒。畢福劍： 他也沒有。

趙本山： 你這酒店怎么要啥啥沒有呢？干什么玩意兒吃的？這畢老師容易來一趟？把你老板找來

小沈陽(yáng)：沒有。

趙本山：你就記住一個(gè)沒有了，是不？老板。小沈陽(yáng)：啊，老板哪？老板出去了。趙本山：上哪兒去了？ 小沈陽(yáng)：不知道。

趙本山：啥玩意兒呀你？你說吃啥呀？ 畢福劍：來點(diǎn)兒家常便飯。民間的。

趙本山：民間的是吧？來民間的吧，孩子，來個(gè)小野雞燉蘑菇。小沈陽(yáng)：沒有。

趙本山：這個(gè)可以有。小沈陽(yáng)：這個(gè)......真沒有。

Uncle Zhao Whut kind do you have? Shenyang

Half a kilo each.Uncle Zhao Somethin' you really have? Shenyang

Yes we do...or no? Uncle Zhao C'me on, boy, it's you take care of things here.Don't you know whut you've got an' whut not? I'll ne'er shortchange you.Shenyang

So no, we haven't got lobsters.CCTV Man Let me have a look.Even less need for ordering shark's fin.Uncle Zhao I won't.Once a sharp bone in a fish got stuck in my t'roat.I tried to remove it by swallowin' lumps of rice an' softenin' it with vinegar.It didn't work, though.I was then rushed to hospital to get it picked back out with s'me tweezers.So, sharp stuff jus' won't do.CCTV Man Not included on the menu, anyway.Uncle Zhao This restaurant's got nothin' to serve.You've wasted you' chance to make customers happy.A disgrace to my greatest guest Mr.Bi.Where's you' boss? Get him here.Shenyang

No boss, sir.Uncle Zhao Run out of a boss as well? Shenyang

Well...the boss is out.Uncle Zhao Where's he? Shenyang

No idea.Uncle Zhao Whut the hell shall we have to eat, then? CCTV Man Just something homely.Uncle Zhao All right, homely fare then.A lovely little pheasant boiled with mushrooms.Shenyang

I'm sorry, sir.Uncle Zhao That's whut you can have.Shenyang

Something we really don't have.趙本山：我給你帶來了啊，咱有。來，丫蛋，把這拿來。哎呀，多虧帶來了。畢福劍：老哥......趙本山：我是給你往北京帶的，現(xiàn)在你拿不走了，趕緊得在這兒吃了。畢福劍

野山雞不能吃。

趙本山：這是家養(yǎng)的。都是野蘑菇。把這個(gè)燉了，高壓鍋啊，時(shí)間長(zhǎng)點(diǎn)，來。好了，這兒有一個(gè)菜了。來，笨蛋。小沈陽(yáng)：你說誰(shuí)笨蛋？！

趙本山：不是，我說再點(diǎn)個(gè)笨雞蛋。小沈陽(yáng)：沒有。

趙本山：我有。這樣......畢福劍：老哥......趙本山：這雞蛋和大蔥一炒。

畢福劍：你怎么下一趟飯店，材料都自己備？

趙本山：不是，他沒有啊，問題是。給他錢都沒處找去。幾個(gè)菜了？倆了，這樣吧，給你們點(diǎn)機(jī)會(huì)。畢老師來一回，你們飯店表示不？

小沈陽(yáng)： 贈(zèng)送一個(gè)唄。哎呀媽呀，大爺你咋這么摳呢？你說你一個(gè)沒點(diǎn)，完了我們還得搭一個(gè)，啊？

趙本山：我說小伙子，咱們不是一個(gè)沒點(diǎn)。我點(diǎn)完之后，鮑魚、龍蝦你都沒有。小沈陽(yáng)：有沒有，你心里還沒數(shù)嗎？ 趙本山：我有啥數(shù)，你不是說沒有嗎？

小沈陽(yáng)： 別說話了。一說萬(wàn)一要有，咋整??？ 趙本山： 你到底有沒有？這差錢還是咋的？

Uncle Zhao All right, serve the one we brought.Get it here, Yadar.Lucky we didn't c'me with empty hands.CCTV Man No, buddy...Uncle Zhao I thought you could take it back to Beijin'.As you can't, we might as well finish it up here an' now.CCTV Man Pheasants are forbidden for consumption.Uncle Zhao This one's grown at home.Cook the wild mushrooms, too, in a high-pressure cooker till they're th'roughly done.So far we've got one dish ready.C'me here, dumb bell.Shenyang

What did you say? Uncle Zhao I mean plus a dumb egg.Shenyang

We don't have any, sir!Uncle Zhao I do.All right...CCTV Man Buddy...Uncle Zhao Stir-fry the eggs with the green onions.CCTV Man Why bother yourself with every ingredient when coming to a restaurant? Uncle Zhao They've got no stuff like this here.Not even if you're willin' to pay.See, we've got two dishes in all an' that's fine!(To Shenyang)Now I'm givin' you a chance to show you're truly hospitable, with Mr.Bi here.Shenyang

We'll serve one dish for free.You're too mean, sir, getting us to compliment you with one dish without ordering any yourself!Uncle Zhao I did place my order, boy.But whut did you have, abalones or lobsters? Shenyang

Is it up to me to say yes? Uncle Zhao Is it up to me, then? How ridiculous!Shenyang

Cut it out, sir.If I say yes, who knows what'll happen next? Uncle Zhao Have you got the things or not? Not that I ain't get the money.5th 小沈陽(yáng)：我知道大爺不差錢。我的意思，畢老師好容易來一回，咱吃喝不能在乎錢，大爺。你看我今年歲數(shù)小，但是我總結(jié)了，人這一生其實(shí)可短暫了，有時(shí)候一想，跟睡覺是一樣一樣的。眼睛一閉，一睜，一天過去了；眼睛一閉，不睜，這輩子就過去了。畢福劍：小伙子，精辟。趙本山：精辟啥，他是屁精。小沈陽(yáng)：大爺，我沒別的意思。趙本山：你啥意思？

小沈陽(yáng)：我的意思，人不能把錢看得太重了。錢乃身外之物。人生最痛苦的事情，你知道是什么？

趙本山：嗯？

小沈陽(yáng)：人死了，錢沒花了。

趙本山：人這一生最最痛苦的事，你知道是什么嗎？ 小沈陽(yáng)：啥呀？

趙本山：是人活著呢，錢沒了。不差錢，放心吧，啊。把菜好好做上。小沈陽(yáng)：哎，好嘞。趙本山：這孩子。

小沈陽(yáng)：這一天......這也太摳了。

趙本山：他姥爺，這菜呢，得做一會(huì)兒。你看看丫蛋來了，這孩子從小就是一身的藝術(shù)細(xì)菌哪。畢福劍：藝......藝術(shù)細(xì)胞。

趙本山：給看看，能不能上你的大道。畢福劍：她......趙本山：才藝，那是了不得。

畢福劍：老哥，我弄明白了，你今天截我到這兒來，就是為了讓您孫女上我們《星光大道》。趙本山：可不是嘛，它有這么個(gè)關(guān)系。畢福劍：哦，那她都......會(huì)點(diǎn)什么？

趙本山：來吧，給姥爺表示表示。服務(wù)員，拿麥克。有卡拉OK的麥克嗎？拿來。站好了。

Shenyang

This I know, sir, but with Mr.Bi here, perhaps only for once, can't you stop being so stingy? I am still young, but I see life can be so very short, it sometimes is much the same as taking a sleep.Eyes closed, eyes opened, and a whole day is over.Eyes closed but never opened againbecause I've found my grandpa.Grandpa's great, he can take me to the Star Splashed Walkway.CCTV Man Starlight Broadway.Uncle Zhao Starlight Broadway.Yadar

Broadway or whatever, I'm grateful to grandpa for this chance.I'll be very thankful if you can take me to your Broadway.I'll thank your ancestors...I mean I'll thank you on behalf of my own ancestors of long, long years ago.I won't forget this great favor you've done me.I owe this new life of mine to you.I'll go on chasing you even after I die to become a ghost.CCTV Man(to Uncle Zhao)Grandpa...I mean you.The way she spoke sort of upset me.Uncle Zhao Eh...I guess she jus' wants to revenge you...CCTV Man Is that so? Uncle Zhao No, I mean to repay you.Or reimburse you or whute'er.One should repay those who've generously helped him or her.When the girl becomes famous, she really shouldn`t forget you.(To Yadar)Go ahead and sing.CCTV Man Can she sing a song? Uncle Zhao Sing “The Qinghai-Tibetan / Qingzang Plateau” by Li Guyi.Yadar

It`s by Li Na.Uncle Zhao Whoe'er it is.6th 毛毛現(xiàn)場(chǎng)演唱《青藏高原》。）毛毛：

“是誰(shuí)帶來遠(yuǎn)古的呼喚？

是誰(shuí)留下千年的期盼......” 趙本山：中間的不用唱了，最后那個(gè)。哦喲啦，那個(gè)。毛毛：

“......那就是青藏高原?！?畢福劍：年齡不大，嗓門真高。

趙本山：來來，再長(zhǎng)一個(gè)調(diào)兒。“那就......”。毛毛：

爺爺，鹵子有點(diǎn)吃咸了。（小沈陽(yáng)忍俊不禁）畢福劍：好好。

趙本山：還有呢？后面連哭帶唱的。畢福劍：等一下。趙本山：連哭帶說。

畢福劍：老哥，我問一下，連哭帶說是什么節(jié)目？ 趙本山：就后面“我家庭怎么困難，怎么不容易”那段。畢福劍：不不，那叫獲獎(jiǎng)感言?！缎枪獯蟮馈范际钦嫒苏媸?。你這還沒有上北京，沒參加《星光大道》，就獲獎(jiǎng)感言了。趙本山：這關(guān)系，另外這條件，她不獲獎(jiǎng)能行嗎？他姥爺在這兒，我還沒底嗎？來來來，哭，哭。這孩子可厲害了。差仨數(shù)，她馬上就哭。一、二、三--哭！毛毛：

咋哭？

趙本山：哭啊，丫蛋，在家哭那么快，真完蛋了。毛毛：

明兒也哭不出來。

趙本山：不跟姥爺有感情嗎？來，看姥爺，姥爺照片在這兒。毛毛：

嗚嗚，嘻嘻，嘻嘻。趙本山：完蛋了，笑什么！

毛毛：

太有了意思了，哪照片呀這。

畢福劍：不說了，不說了。才藝很不錯(cuò)，唱得很不錯(cuò)。Yadar

(starting to sing)

“Ah, who brings here the earnest call of remote antiquity?

Ah, who leaves behind the expectations of the millennium?”

Uncle Zhao Skip the middle part and move on to the final climax.(Trying to imitate)Yo-la-la.See? Yadar

“...That's Qinghai-Tibetan / Qingzang Plateau，The highland of my soul!” CCTV Man What a high pitch you've got for your age.Uncle Zhao Push higher up.Like this.Yadar

Grandpa, the sauce's hurt my voice a bit.(Shenyang giggles again)CCTV Man(to Yadar)That's enough.Uncle Zhao Next, the game of ravin' in tears after the show.CCTV Man Wait a minute.Uncle Zhao Gabbling between sobs.CCTV Man What exactly? Uncle Zhao Like “I'm from a poor family an' life's been extra hard for me.” CCTV Man Not that yet.Hold it off till after she's got an award in Beijing.The Starlight Broadway's about what people actually experience in real life.They're not supposed to act things out beforehand.Uncle Zhao See whut support she's got an' how truly marvelous she is at singin'? It'd be funny if she goes there without winnin'!With you her grandpa here, I've got nothin' to worry about.(To Yadar)C'me on, Yadar.Show Grandpa Bi how you cry.(Back to CCTV Man)The girl's fantastic.You only count to t'ree and she'll sure break down.(Back to Yadar)One, two, t'reethe click rate is just fuckin' high.The girl with the cyber name “Yadar” is her.CCTV Man

So she's the Yadar netizens're talking so much about? Uncle Zhao

Sure.畢福劍：太好了。你馬上上菜，今天這頓飯我包了，我請(qǐng)客。丫蛋，你明天跟著大哥一起去北京，上《星光大道》。你們搞一個(gè)組合，就叫“不差錢”。毛毛：

我也能去了？ 畢福劍：可以啊。毛毛：

謝謝姥爺。小沈陽(yáng)：謝謝姥爺。

趙本山：我跟你說，畢老師，你們《星光大道》不是百姓舞臺(tái)嗎？誰(shuí)都可以參與嘛。他們都要了，把我也接收得了唄。

畢福劍：搜狐網(wǎng)上也有您的名字？

趙本山：你點(diǎn)一下試試唄。另外，我有個(gè)重要秘密沒跟您透露。畢福劍：什么秘密？

趙本山：其實(shí)我姥爺也姓畢。（演員謝幕）

CCTV Man

Fantastic!(To Shenyang)Serve the meal quick.It's going to be my treat today-I'll pay the bill.And Yadar, you go off to Beijing tomorrow along with Shenyang, and join the rest of us there at Starlight Broadway.The two of you shall team up and prepare a comic piece with the title “Got the Money Anyway.” Yadar

Can I really go? CCTV Man Of course.Yadar

Thank you, grandpa.Shenyang

Thank you, grandpa.Uncle Zhao Dear in-law, I know the Starlight Broadway's a stage for common people to play on.If you can take the two youngsters with you, why can't you take me too? CCTV Man Are you famous, too, on the internet? Uncle Zhao You can click an' see.An' there's a little secret I haven't told you yet.CCTV Man What's it? Uncle Zhao My maternal grandpa, too, was surnamed Bi.(The entire cast exeunt after courteously bowing to the audience.)

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