第一篇：Joe Wong在美國記者年會的演講

My name is Joe Wong.But to most people, I am known as “Who?” which is actually my mother’s maiden name, and the answer to my credit card security question.開場先是自嘲下自己默默無聞不為所知，然后利用中英文諧音，再聯系到信用卡密碼保護，因為網上注冊時選擇用于取回密碼的驗證問題里，最常見的就是媽媽的姓氏是什么。

Joking aside, I want to reassure you that I am invited here tonight.因為前一陣子白宮舉行一個活動，美國一對夫妻混過白宮層層保安，裝作是白宮邀請的貴賓，還跟這些政客合影留念并發到網上，其中就有坐在邊上的副總統Joe Biden，被曝光后，在美國引起很大爭議，白宮的安保問題被質疑。

I grew up in China.Who didn’t?

我在中國長大，誰不是呢？裝作無知，認為每個人都是中國人，暗諷了一些美國人的自大，以為世界就是美國。

Most of my childhood memories are ruined by my childhood.When I was in elementary school, as part of the curriculum, I worked at a rice paddy next to a quarry where they use explosives to break rocks.That’s where I learned that light travels faster than sound, which is almost as slow as a flying rock.主要是用生動而夸張的語言形容小時候生活環境的惡劣，光速比聲速快，后者跟石頭飛散的速度差不多，就是遠處一道閃光，幾秒后隆隆爆炸聲伴著小石子飛濺過來。

My dad was a grumpy guy.But occasionally he tried to cheer me up with jokes.When I was 7 he said to me, “Son, why is tofu better than centralized socialist economy?” 5 minutes later, I said, “Why?” He said, “Because I said so!”

形容父親脾氣暴躁，毫無邏輯，頤指氣使。5分鐘后是笑點，如此荒謬的問題還想了那么久。這兩段就是夸張描述下自己的童年，因為跟美國人的經歷完全不同，觀眾會因為新鮮荒謬而發笑。

In 1994, I came to the United States to study at Rice University in Texas, that wasn’t a joke, until now.I was driving this used car with a lot of bumper stickers that are impossible to peel off.And one of them said, “If you don’t speak English, go home!” And I didn’t notice it for two years.that wasn’t a joke, until now.這句是臨場發揮，效果很好。bumper sticker這個牌子的內容和所用的語言本身就是很一個矛盾。

We always wanted my son to become the president.We try to make him speak Chinese at home and English outside in public.Sometimes I had to say to him in public, “If you don’t speak English, go home!” He said, “Why do I have to learn two languages?” I said, “When you become the president, you will have to sign legislative bills in English, and talk to debt collectors in

Chinese!”

此處用到了剛才sticker上的話；委婉表達了中國是美國的債權國。

After I graduated from Rice, I decided to stay in the US because in China I can’t do the thing I do best here, being ethnic.In order to become a citizen, we immigrants had to take American history lessons with questions like: Who’s Benjamin Franklin? We were like, “Ahh.., the reason our convenient store gets robbed?” What’s the second Amendment? We were like, “Ahh.., the reason our convenient store gets robbed?” What is Roe vs Wade? We went, “Ahh…, two ways of coming to the US?”

我在中國有件事肯定不如在美國，那就是民族性。用同一個答案回答了兩個美國歷史問題，非常有笑果，用移民的角度“誤解”美國的著名墮胎案判例，是一般美國人無法想象的視角。

Later I read a lot about American history.So much so that I started to feel white guilt.In America, all men are created equal, but after birth, it depends on their parents’ income for early education and healthcare.這段看上去很詭異，作為一個黃色人種，怎么會有這種優越感，去產生white guilt，實際上在為后面跟總統比做鋪墊。

I read on Men’s Health magazine that president Obama every week has two cardio days and 4 weight lifting days.I don’t have to exercise because I have health insurance.I live in Massachusetts where we had universal healthcare and then elected Scott Brown.Talk about mixed message!I think there was a movie about him.It’s called “Kill Bill”

這段是一種很微妙的搞笑，如果奧巴馬那天不是臨時有事，在邊上坐著的話會很有意思。kill bill的bill不是指克林頓，應該指法案。Scott Brown是共和黨人，剛當選麻省議員，反對全民醫保。所以說他kill bill “扼殺了（醫保）法案”。

We have Mr.vice president Joe Biden here tonight.I have read your autobiography and today I see you.I think the book is much better.They should have cast Brad Pitt, or Angelina Jolie.美國政客是要被隨時拿來開涮的，其他的comedian諷刺起來比黃西狠得多。

We have many distinguished journalists here whom I consider as peers.I once wrote for the campus newspaper.Journalism is the last refuge for puns.Only in a newspaper can I say, “I was born in the year of the horse, that’s why I’m a neigh-sayer(nay-sayer)”

馬叫聲英文是neigh，neigh-sayer就是發出馬叫聲的人，諧音nay-sayer，后者是總說反對意見，投反對票的人，nay這個詞常用在現場口頭投票，如果反對，一般說nay，不說no。在座很多記者，我認為是我的同行，還有上面的自炫比奧巴馬優越，因為不用健身，都是一種比較難解釋很微妙的幽默，可以理解為對那些自我感覺良好的人的一種諷刺。

This is my first time on CSPAN, a channel I obvious always watch when I couldn’t handle the demagoguery and sensationalism of PBS and QVC.If I still couldn’t go to sleep after watching CSPAN, there are CSPAN2 and 3!

PBS有點類似中國的中央電視臺，弘揚主旋律為主，QVC是電視購物頻道，所以說這倆的審查和煽動性比較強。明知自己的演講時CSPAN在直播，但還諷刺一下這個電視臺，美國人很喜歡這么干。CSPAN相當于美國國會的監控錄像，全天直播國會的各種會議，聽證，剛開始看了新鮮，時間長了就很無聊。

I was just thrilled to be invited to tonight’s event.I showed the White House my jokes about the president, and that’s when Obama decided not to come and started the immigration reform.Take that Stephen Colbert!Obama has been accused of being too soft.But he was conducting two wars and they still gave him the Nobel peace prize, and he accepted it.You can’t get more bad-ass than that!The only way you can be more bad-ass than is that if you took the peace prize money and gave it to the military.奧巴馬沒到，但也沒忘調侃一下他，反襯自己寫的那幾個笑話的威力。提到Stephen Colbert，因為幾年前的記者招待會，他當著bush的面羞辱了bush，那次bush臉色很難看，勞拉甚至罵了粗口，但就是當面很尷尬而已，而我把奧巴馬嚇得都不敢來了，還開始考慮是否該讓這些移民來到美國。相當于說：怎么樣Stephen Colbert，我比你牛X吧。

I finally became a US citizen in 2008.Thank you!America is number one!That’s true!We won the World Series every year!

諷刺了美國國內的各種職業聯賽冠軍頭銜都叫World Champion。

After becoming the U.S.citizen, I immediately registered to vote for Obama/Biden.(Turn and face Biden)You are welcome.You had me at “Yes we can” That was their slogan.當眾邀功奧巴馬和拜登的當選，You had me那句是指，你們的那句Yes we can打動了我。

After getting them elected, I felt this power trip and started to think maybe I should run for president myself.I have to explain a little here.I had always been kind of a morose and pessimistic guy.I feel that life is like peeing into the snow in a dark winter night.You probably made a difference, but it’s really hard to tell.Now we have a president who is half black half white.That just gives me so much hope because I am half not black half not white.Two negatives make a positive.Two negatives make a positive，還有下一句的，這次沒說出來，就是two illegals make a legal，指只要在美國境內出生就自動獲得美國國籍，無論父母身份。

So my fellow Americans, you may be thinking what is your campaign slogans? You see, I spent 10 years in the past decade.You too? I understand that Americans are suffering.My campaign slogan will be, “Who cares!”

這個who cares是經典，用了一開始說的話，可以理解為hu cares，也就是我關心大家的疾苦，同時who cares這個意思也諷刺了一下美國競選的本質，宣傳口號是口號，當選了也許就不那么關注老百姓的感受了。

If elected, I would make same sex not only legal, but required,that would get me the youth vote.You see that I am married now, but I used to be really scared about marriage.I was like:”Wow!50% of all marriages end up lasting forever!”

同性婚姻問題是政治熱點。一半的婚姻是要持續一生的，正常思維是擔心兩個人會離婚，這里反向思維，頗有笑果。

I will eliminate unemployment by reducing the productivity of American workers so that two people have to do the job of one, just like the vice president and the president, the Olson twins.不斷地調侃總統和副總統。Olson twins是著名雙胞胎，童星。曾經兩人演一個角色，在full house里。

Despite heart diseases and cancer, most Americans die from natural causes.If elected, I will find a cure for natural causes.It may not be covered by insurance because of pre-existing conditions.pre-existing conditions是指購買醫療保險前的身體狀況，保險公司會相應的拒保或者提高保費。

I have a quick solution for global warming.I will switch from Fehrenheit to Celcius.It was 100 degrees and now it’s 40!You are welcome!I’m great at foreign policy because I’m from China and I can see Russia from my backyard.最后一句是去年美國的經典，麥凱恩搭檔，阿拉斯加女州長佩林接受采訪被問到有什么外交經驗時，說了類似的話，但不是原句。后來經喜劇女王Tina Fey在SNL上模仿調侃，這句成為經典。

On foreign policy.I believe that unilateralism is too expensive;open dialog is too slow.If elected, I will go with text messaging.I’ll text our allies just to say hi;and text our enemies when they are driving.“OMG you are making nuclear weapons!But U R doing it wrong, LOL!”

I would like to thank Radio and TV Correspondents’ Association for giving such an incredible honor!This is the first time I wish my 3 year old son knew what I was doing.最后感謝提到自己的兒子，很溫馨。

第二篇：黃西Joe_Wong美國記者年會演講原文及注釋

My name is Joe Wong.But to most people, I am known as “Who?” which is actually my mother’s maiden name, and the answer to my credit card security question.開場先是自嘲下自己默默無聞不為所知，然后利用中英文諧音，再聯系到信用卡密碼保護，因為網上注冊時選擇用于取回密碼的驗證問題里，最常見的就是媽媽的姓氏是什么。

Joking aside, I want to reassure you that I am invited here tonight.因為前一陣子白宮舉行一個活動，美國一對夫妻混過白宮層層保安，裝作是白宮邀請的貴賓，還跟這些政客合影留念并發到網上，其中就有坐在邊上的副總統Joe Biden，被曝光后，在美國引起很大爭議，白宮的安保問題被質疑。

I grew up in China.Who didn’t?

我在中國長大，誰不是呢？裝作無知，認為每個人都是中國人，暗諷了一些美國人的自大，以為世界就是美國。

Most of my childhood memories are totally ruined by my childhood.When I was in elementary school, as part of the curriculum, I worked at a rice paddy next to a quarry where they use explosives to break rocks.That’s where I learned that light travels faster than sound, which is almost as slow as a flying rock.主要是用生動而夸張的語言形容小時候生活環境的惡劣，光速比聲速快，后者跟石頭飛散的速度差不多，就是遠處一道閃光，幾秒后隆隆爆炸聲伴著小石子飛濺過來。

My dad was a grumpy guy.But occasionally he tried to cheer me up with jokes.But he doesn’t do it right.When I was 7 he said to me, “Son, why is tofu better than centralized socialist economy?” 5 minutes later, I said, “Why?” He said, “Because I said so!”

形容父親脾氣暴躁，毫無邏輯，頤指氣使。5分鐘后是笑點，如此荒謬的問題還想了那么久。這兩段就是夸張描述下自己的童年，因為跟美國人的經歷完全不同，觀眾會因為新鮮荒謬而發笑。

I came to the United States when I was 24 to study at Rice University in Texas, that wasn’t a joke, until now.I was driving this used car with a lot of bumper stickers that are impossible to peel off.And one of them said, “If you don’t speak English, go home!” And I didn’t notice it for two years.that wasn’t a joke, until now.這句是臨場發揮，效果很好。bumper sticker這個牌子的內容和所用的語言本身就是很一個矛盾。

And like many other immigrants, We always wanted my son to become the president of this country.We try to make him bilingual, you know, Chinese at home and English outside in public.Which is really a tough to do because many times.Sometimes I had to say to him in public, “If you

don’t speak English, go home??” He said to me, “hi, dad, Why do I have to learn two languages?” I said, “When you become the president of United States, you will have to sign legislative bills in English, and talk to debt collectors in Chinese!”

此處用到了剛才sticker上的話；委婉表達了中國是美國的債權國。

When I graduated from Rice, I decided to stay in the US because in China I can’t do the thing I do best here, being ethnic.And in order for me to become a citizen, I had to take those American history lessons where they ask questions like: Who’s Benjamin Franklin? We were like, “Ahh.., the reason our convenient store gets robbed?” What’s the second Amendment? We were like, “Ahh.., the reason our convenient store gets robbed?” What is Roe vs Wade? We went, “Ahh…, two ways of coming to the United Sates?”

我在中國有件事肯定不如在美國，那就是民族性。用同一個答案回答了兩個美國歷史問題，非常有笑果，用移民的角度“誤解”美國的著名墮胎案判例，是一般美國人無法想象的視角。

Later I read a lot about American history.So much so that I started to feel white guilt.In America, all men are created equal, but after birth, it depends on their parents’ income for early education and healthcare.這段看上去很詭異，作為一個黃色人種，怎么會有這種優越感，去產生white guilt，實際上在為后面跟總統比做鋪墊。

I read on Men’s Health magazine that president Obama every week has two cardio days and 4 weight lifting days.I don’t have to exercise because I have health insurance.I live in Massachusetts where we had universal healthcare and then elected Scott Brown.Talk about mixed message!I think there was a movie about him.It’s called “Kill Bill”

這段是一種很微妙的搞笑，如果奧巴馬那天不是臨時有事，在邊上坐著的話會很有意思。kill bill的bill不是指克林頓，應該指法案。Scott Brown是共和黨人，剛當選麻省議員，反對全民醫保。所以說他kill bill “扼殺了（醫保）法案”。

We have Mr.vice president Joe Biden here tonight.I have read your autobiography and today I see you.I think the book is much better.They should have cast Brad Pitt, or Angelina Jolie.美國政客是要被隨時拿來開涮的，其他的comedian諷刺起來比黃西狠得多。

So, I , to be honest to be here tonight.And I have prepared for months.Eh, for tonight show and I showed the White House, my joke about president Obama.And that is way he decided not to come.And he decide to talk about immigration reforms.Take that Stephen Colbert.And president Obama has always been accused of being too soft, but he was and conducting two wars, and they still gave him the Nobel Peace Prize, and he accepted it.You can’t be badass than that.Well, actually, I am thinking the only way you can more badass than that is it you take Nobel Peace Prize money and give it to the military.諷刺奧巴馬的諾貝爾和平獎奧巴馬沒到，但也沒忘調侃一下他，反襯自己寫的那幾個笑話的威力。提到Stephen Colbert，因為幾年前的記者招待會，他當著bush的面羞辱了bush，那次bush臉色很難看，勞拉甚至罵了粗口，但就是當面很尷尬而已，而我把奧巴馬嚇得都不敢來了，還開始考慮是否該讓這些移民來到美國。相當于說：怎么樣Stephen Colbert，我比你牛X吧

We have many distinguished journalists here whom I consider as peers.Because I used to wrote for the campus newspaper.I think Journalism is the last refuge for puns.Only on a newspaper can you say it, “I was born in the year of the horse, that’s why I’m a neigh-sayer(nay-sayer)”

馬叫聲英文是neigh，neigh-sayer就是發出馬叫聲的人，諧音nay-sayer，后者是總說反對意見，投反對票的人，nay這個詞常用在現場口頭投票，如果反對，一般說nay，不說no。在座很多記者，我認為是我的同行，還有上面的自炫比奧巴馬優越，因為不用健身，都是一種比較難解釋很微妙的幽默，可以理解為對那些自我感覺良好的人的一種諷刺。

My point exactly, today is my first time on C-SPAN, a channel I obvious always watch when I couldn’t stand the sensationalism and demagoguery of PBS and QVC.If I still couldn’t go to sleep after watching C-SPAN, there are C-SPAN2 and 3!

PBS有點類似中國的中央電視臺，弘揚主旋律為主，QVC是電視購物頻道，所以說這倆的審查和煽動性比較強。明知自己的演講時CSPAN在直播，但還諷刺一下這個電視臺，美國人很喜歡這么干。CSPAN相當于美國國會的監控錄像，全天直播國會的各種會議，聽證，剛開始看了新鮮，時間長了就很無聊。

I finally became a US citizen in 2008.Thank you!America is number one!That’s true!Because we won the World Series every year!

諷刺了美國國內的各種職業聯賽冠軍頭銜都叫World Champion。

After becoming the U.S.citizen, I immediately registered to vote for Obama and Biden.(Turn and face Biden)You are welcome.You had me at “guess we can” That was their slogan.當眾邀功奧巴馬和拜登的當選，You had me那句是指，你們的那句Yes we can打動了我。

After getting Obama and Biden elected, I felt this power trip and started to think maybe I should run for president myself.Well I have to take step back and explain a little bit.You know because I had always been morose and pessimistic guy.I feel that life is kind of like peeing into the snow in a dark winter night.You probably made a difference, but it’s really hard to tell.Now we have a president who is half black half white.That just gives me so much hope because I am half not black half not white.Two negatives make a positive.Two negatives make a positive，還有下一句的，這次沒說出來，就是two illegals make a legal，指只要在美國境內出生就自動獲得美國國籍，無論父母身份。

You maybe saying what would be your campaign slogans? You see, I spent 10 years in the past decade.You too, ok so I understand that American people are suffering.So My campaign slogan will be, “Who cares!”

這個who cares是經典，用了一開始說的話，可以理解為hu cares，也就是我關心大家的疾苦，同時who cares這個意思也諷刺了一下美國競選的本質，宣傳口號是口號，當選了也許就不那么關注老百姓的感受了。

If elected, I would make same sex marriage not only legal, but required, that would get me the youth vote.You see that I am married now, but I used to be really scared about marriage.I was like:” Wow!50% of all marriages end up lasting forever!”

同性婚姻問題是政治熱點。一半的婚姻是要持續一生的，正常思維是擔心兩個人會離婚，這里反向思維，頗有笑果。

I will eliminate unemployment in this country by reducing the productivity of American workers so that two people have to do the job of one, just like the president and the vice president, the Olson twins.不斷地調侃總統和副總統。Olson twins是著名雙胞胎，童星。曾經兩人演一個角色，在full house里。

Despite heart diseases and cancer, most Americans die from natural causes.If elected, I will find a cure for natural causes.You seem to like that one, but you won’t be covered by insurance because of pre-existing conditions.pre-existing conditions是指購買醫療保險前的身體狀況，保險公司會相應的拒保或者提高保費。

I have a quick solution for global warming.I will switch from Fehrenheit to Celcius.It was 100 degrees and now it’s 40!You are welcome!I’m great at foreign policy because I’m from China and I can see Russia from my backyard.最后一句是去年美國的經典，麥凱恩搭檔，阿拉斯加女州長佩林接受采訪被問到有什么外交經驗時，說了類似的話，但不是原句。后來經喜劇女王Tina Fey在SNL上模仿調侃，這句成為經典。

On foreign policy.I believe that unilateralism is too expensive;and open dialog is too slow.If elected, I will go with text messaging.I’ll text our allies just to say hi;and text our enemies when they are driving.“OMG you are building nuclear weapons!But you are doing it wrong, LOL!”

I would like to thank Radio and TV Correspondents’ Association for having me here tonight!This is the first time I wish my 3 year old son knew what I was doing.最后感謝提到自己的兒子，很溫馨。

第三篇：黃西-美國記者年會演講稿

Good evening, everyone.My name is Joe Wong.But to most people, I am known as “Who?”“Hu” is actually my mother's maiden name,and the answer to my credit card security question.各位晚上好，我是Joe Wong（黃西）。但是對很多人來說，聽到我的名字，會問“誰”?Who（同音“Hu”）恰恰是我媽的娘家姓，也是我信用卡安全問題的答案。

But joking aside, I just want to reassure everybody that I am invited here tonight.但是玩笑歸玩笑，我想讓大家放心我今晚的確是受到邀請來的。（這里是隱指Salah夫婦闖入白宮歡迎晚宴的新聞）

I grew up in China.Who wouldn't?

我在中國長大。誰不是呢？（這是用自己的自大諷刺美國人的自大）

As my childhood memories are totally ruined by my childhood.When I was in elementary school, as part of the curriculum, I have to worked at a rice paddy, right next to a quarry where they use explosives to break rocks.And that is where I learned that light travels faster than sound,which is almost as slow as a flying rock.而我童年的所有記憶都被我的童年給毀了。讀小學的時候，作為課程的一部分，我要去稻田里勞動，稻田的旁邊是一個采石場，他們用炸藥炸石頭。也就是在那里，我知道了光的傳播速度要比聲音快，而聲音的速度就和石頭飛的速度差不多慢。

My dad was a grumpy guy, but occasionally he would tried to cheer me up with jokes.But he doesn't do it right.When I was seven, one day he said to me, “Hi, son, why is tofu better than centralized socialist economy?”So, five minutes later, I said, “Why?”He said, “Because I said so!”

我爸爸是個脾氣很怪的人，但偶爾他也想用笑話來逗我玩兒。可是他又做不好。我七歲的時候，有一天他問我，“嘿，兒子，你說為什么豆腐比社會主義計劃經濟要好？”（風馬牛不相及）我想了五分鐘，然后問他“為什么呢？”，他說“因為我說好就是好！”（笑點在于：豆腐，計劃經濟以及極端的父權。豆腐和經濟放在一起本來就沒有可比性，就好像這種“我說了算”的父權也根本不可理喻，讓人又好氣又好笑）

I came to the United States when I was 24, to study at Rice University in Texas.That wasn't a joke,until now.我24歲的時候來到美國，在Texas的Rice University求學。這不是個笑話，不過現在是了。

And I was driving that a used car with a lot of bumper stickers that are impossible to peel off.And one of them said, “If you don't speak English, go home!”And I didn't notice it for two years.我當時開了輛二手車，保險杠上貼了好多貼紙（就類似我們的“熊出沒注意”那種），貼的很牢，就根本不可能撕下來。其中一張寫著“如果你不說英文，就滾回家去”。（，這句話有歧視外來移民的意味）而我兩年后才看到它。

And like many other immigrants, we wanted our son to become the president of this country.And we try to make him bilingual, you know, Chinese at home and English in the public.Which is really a tough to do, because many timesI had to say to him in public, “Hi, listen, if you don't speak English, go home!”

和很多其他的移民一樣，我們都希望自己的兒子能成為這個國家的總統。于是我們努力讓他們說兩種語言，在家說中文，在外說英文。但操作起來其實挺困難，很多時候我不得不在公共場合對他說：“嘿，聽著，如果你不說英文，就滾回家去。”（這里說明了該句子是一種教訓兒子的口氣）

And he was said to me, “Hi, Dad, Why do I have to learn two languages?” I said, “Son, once you become the president of the Unite States, you will have to sign legislative bills in English, and talk to debt collectors in Chinese!”

然后他問我：“爸爸，為什么我要學兩個語言呢？”我就跟他說：“兒子，一旦有一天你成了美國總統，你就必須要用英文來簽署法案，還要用中文跟討債的對話。”（中國當前是美國的最大債主。）

When I graduated from Rice, I decided to stay in the Unite States, because in China I can't do the thing I do best here, being ethnic.從Rice畢業后，我決定留在美國。因為回中國的話，我有一件事情完全沒有辦法做的比這里更好，那就是我散發出的異域風情。

And in order for me to become a US citizen, I had to take those American history lessons, where they ask questions like: Who's Benjamin Franklin? We were like, “Ahh.., the reason our convenient store gets robbed?”

我為了成為一名美國公民，必須要上美國歷史課，會被問到諸如“誰是本杰明 富蘭克林？”我就想：“呃，莫非就是我們便利店遭到搶劫的原因？”（百元美鈔上印著 本杰明 富蘭克林的頭像。）

What's the second Amendment? We were like, “Ahh.., the reason our convenient store gets robbed?”

“什么是第二修正案？”我就想：“呃，莫非就是我們便利店遭到搶劫的原因？”（第二修正案保障了人民的持槍權利）

What is Roe vs Wade? We were like, “Ahh& , two ways of coming to the Unite States?”

“Roe vs.Wade是什么？”“呃！兩種來美國的途徑？”（Roe vs.Wade是美最高法院關于墮

胎的經典案例。他在這里則是說那些偷渡到美國的人，要不就是通過row a boat（劃船，和人名Roe同音）,要不就是靠游到河對岸（wade是跋涉的意思））

Later on, I read so much about American history that I started to harbor white guilt.后來我讀了很多的美國歷史，以至于我都開始充滿了白人罪惡感。（white guilt是指白人因為奴役黑人的歷史而產生的負罪感。）

And in America, they say that all men are created equal, but after birth, it kind of depends on their parents' income for early education and healthcare.在美國，大家都說人人生而平等。但是出生后，或多或少要取決于父母收入，才能提供你的早期教育和醫療保障。

I read in the Men's Health magazine that president Obama every week has two cardio days and 4 weight lifting days.You see, I don't have to exercise because I have health insurance.我在男人健康雜志里看到，奧巴馬總統每周有兩次有氧鍛煉，四次舉重鍛煉。你們看，我根本不需要鍛煉，因為我有健康保險。（這里說醫保體系給人慵懶意識）

I live in Massachusetts now, where we had universal healthcare then we elected Scott Brown.Talk about mixed messages!I think there was a movie about him.It's called “Kill Bill”

我現在住在麻省，我們有全面的醫療保險。然后我們選了Scott Brown當州長。哦，有歧義。我想有一部電影是關于他的，那就是《殺死比爾》（Kill Bill）。（bill在英文里有議案的意思，這里諷刺這名州長極力反對Obama的醫保改革方案。）

I'm honored to eh..meet vice president Joe Biden here tonight.em, I actually read autobiography of you, and today I see you.I think the book is much better.They should have cast Brad Pitt, you know, or even Angelina Jolie.我很榮幸今晚能見到副總統Joe Biden。事實上，我曾經讀過你的自傳。今天見到你了，我覺得書（比本人）要好的多（然后鏡頭就給了副總統，副總統笑的哈開心），他們應該請布拉德·皮特來演，或者是安吉麗娜·茱莉。

So, I, to be honest, was really honored to be here tonight, and I have prepared for months eh, for tonight show, and I showed the White House my jokes about President Obama, and that is why he decided not to come.And he decide to talk about immigration reforms.Take that Stephen Colbert!

坦率的說，我真的非常榮幸今天能應邀來到這里。為了今晚的節目我也準備了好幾個月了。我還把關于奧巴馬總統的笑話給白宮看，于是奧巴馬總統就決定不出席今天的晚會了。他還決定要討論移民政策改革了。Stephen Colbert, 給他記上。（Steve是專攻政治人物的政治評論家、主持人，總統總是拿他沒辦法）

And President Obama has always been accused of being too soft, but he was conducting two

wars, and they still gave him the Nobel Peace Prize.and he accepted it.You can't be more badass than that.Well, actually, I'm thinking, the only way you can more badass than that, is if you take the Nobel Peace Prize money and give it to the military.奧巴馬總統經常被指責為過于軟弱。但是他正指揮著兩場戰爭，并且他們還是授予他諾貝爾和平獎。而他也竟然接受了。怎么可能有比這更操蛋的事情。嗯，其實，我想，唯一可能比這個更操蛋的，就是你接受了諾貝爾和平獎的獎金，然后把它們送給軍隊。

We have many distinguished journalists here tonight, whom I consider as my peers.Because I used to write for the campus newspaper.I think journalism is the last refuge for puns.Only on a newspaper can you see just like, “I was born in the year of the horse, and that's why I'm a neigh-sayer(nay-sayer).”My point exactly.我們這里坐著很多杰出的新聞記者，我把你們看作是我的同行（也有貴族的意思）。因為我曾經也給學校的報紙寫過文章。我覺得新聞業是雙關語最后的陣地了。因為只有在報紙上你才能看到類似于“我是屬馬的，所以你知道為什么我總是像馬一樣叫（唱反調）。”（美國人形容馬叫的象聲詞是neigh，發音和nay一樣，nay-sayer是總要唱反調的人）我表達的很準確。

And tonight is my first time on C-SPAN, which is a channel I obvious always watch when I couldn't stand the sensationalism and demagoguery of PBS and QVC.If I can't still fall asleep after watching C-SPAN,there are C-SPAN2 and C-SPAN3.Thank you very much!

今晚是我第一次出現在C-span頻道，通常當我無法忍受PBS和QVC的鼓吹與煽動時我就會看這個頻道（PBS的節目以主觀著稱，QVC則是購物頻道）。如果我看了C-span還是睡不著，那還有C-span 2套和3套（C-span頻道是國會辯論轉播頻道）。非常感謝！

So, I became a US citizen in 2008, eh, which I am really happy about.oh, Thank you very much!eh.America is number one!That's true!cause we won the World Series every year!

2008年，我正式成為了美國公民，為此我感到很高興。謝謝。美國是最牛的。這是真的，因為我們每年會贏世界職業棒球大賽（只有美國、加拿大的球隊參加。）

After becoming a US citizen, and I immediately registered to vote for Obama and Biden.You are welcome.You had me at “Guess we can”.That was their slogan.成為美國公民之后，我立刻就登記了大選，并投給了奧巴馬和拜登。（他回頭看著拜登，對拜登說）不用謝。你們的口號“猜想我們可以”征服了我。這是他們的口號。（此處故意將“Yes We Can”混淆成了“Guess We Can”。）

So, after getting Obama-Biden elected, I felt this power trip.and I started to think maybe I should run for president myself.所以，當奧巴馬成為總統的時候，我感覺到了一股力量，我自己在想，我是不是也應該去競選總統！

Well, I have to take a step back and explain a little bit.Because I had always been a morose and pessimistic guy.I feel that life is a kind of like pee into the snow in a dark winter night.You probably made a difference, but it's really hard to tell.好吧，我多解釋一下。我其實一直是一個憂郁并且悲觀的人。我覺得生活就像是在漆黑的冬夜里往雪地上撒尿。你可能確實做得不一樣，但你真的很難說出來。

But now we have a president who is half black half white.That just gives me a lot of hope, because I am half not black half not white.Two negatives make a positive.但是現在我們有了一位半黑半白的總統。這給了我很大的希望。因為我一半不黑一半也不白。雙重否定更加肯定。（，Obama母親是白人，父親是黑人移民）

You may be saying, hi, what would be your campaign slogan? You see, I spent 10 years in the past decade.Oh, you too? ok.So, I understand that American people are suffering.So, my campaign slogan will be, “Who cares?”(Hu Cares)

你或許會問：“嘿，那你的競選口號是什么？”你看，過去的90年代里我度過了10年。什么，你也是？好吧。所以我很理解美國人所經歷的痛苦。所以，我的競選口號將會是“Hu Cares”（此處又是Who-Hu的諧音，Hu Cares：“胡關心你”Who Cares：“誰在乎你”。）

If elected, I will make same sex marriage not only legal, but required!

如果我當選，我不但會讓同性戀結婚合法，還會讓它必須。

That will give me the youth vote.You see I'm married now, but I used to be really scared about marriage.I was like, “Wow!50% of all marriages end up lasting forever!”

這會幫助我贏得年輕人的選票。你看我已經結婚了。但我過去對婚姻是非常恐懼的。我想：“哇，50％的婚姻結局是大家要在一起一輩子。”

And I will eliminate unemployment in this country by reducing the productivity of the American workforce.So, two people will have to do the work of one, just like the president and the vice president,or the Olson twins.我也會通過降低美國工人的生產率來消滅這個國家的失業。所以必須讓兩個人做一個人能做的事，就好像總統與副總統，又或者是Olsen姐妹（她們是雙胞胎，一起演真人秀，一起設計服裝）。

And despite heart diseases and cancer, most Americans die of natural causes.So if elected, I will find a cure for natural causes.You seem to like that one.But you won't be covered by health insurance, you know.because of pre-existing conditions.除去心臟病和癌癥的因素，大多數美國人是自然死亡的。所以如果我當選，我會找出一種治

愈自然死亡的療法。你們看上去很喜歡這個。但是你們將不可能享受醫療保險，因為先前條款。

And I have a quick solution for global warming.I will switch from Fahrenheit to Celsius.It was 100 degrees, now it's 40!You are very welcome!

我還有解決全球變暖的特效措施。如果我當選了，我就把華氏改成攝氏。這樣以前的100度就會瞬間變成40度。

And I'm great with foreign policy because I am from China and I can see Russia from my backyard.我也很擅長外交政策，因為我來自中國。我從我家后院就看得到俄羅斯！（這里也隱指Sarah Palin曾經說的“我從我家門廊就看得到俄羅斯”）。

I believe that, you know, unilateralism is too expensive, and open dialog is too slow.So if elected, I will go with text messaging.I'll text our allies just to say “hi”,and text our enemies when they are driving.“OMG you are building a nuclear weapon?but you're doing it wrong, LOL!”

我認為，單邊主義代價太高，公開對話又效率太低。如果我當選，我會選擇“發短信”。我會發給我的盟友，僅僅打著招呼。我會在敵人開車的時侯給他們發短信。“天吶！聽說你在造核武器？但是你們的做法是不對的！哈哈哈哈。OMG和LOL都是短信流行用語, OMG是Oh My God, LOL是Laugh Out Loud）。

I just want to thank Radio-TV Correspondents ** for have me here tonight, And this is the first time I wish my son knew what I was doing.Thank you so much and have a very good night.Thank ** guy.

第四篇：奧巴馬2012白宮記者年會演講

奧巴馬2012白宮記者年會演講：精彩吐槽脫口秀

2012年05月03日 09:53 來源：滬江英語網

字號:T|T

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大選年，奧巴馬為了贏得選舉自然不肯放過任何一個推銷自己的機會。在這次的白宮記者協會招待晚宴的演說中，奧巴馬犀利吐槽、大度自嘲，用幽默給自己加分不少。

Host：Could someone back there please turn off the President's mic? I think the President's mic is hot, please turn it off.Thank you.Thank you.后臺哪位幫忙把總統的麥克風關一下？我覺得總統的麥克風沒有關，請幫忙關一下，謝謝，謝謝。

（首爾核峰會上奧巴馬與梅德韋杰夫的私聊由于沒關麥克風被曝光，之前的G20戛納峰會中同樣因為沒關麥克風而曝光了他與薩科齊的私聊，兩次事件都在國內掀起軒然大波。）

Obama：Great.I gotta get warmed up.I...I'm so in love...God!I totally had that.Seriously guys, what am I doing here? 太棒了，我來個熱身。我??我太愛你??（一月份演講時他唱過Al Green這首歌）天哪！我真是擅長唱歌！說正經的各位，我來這是干什么的？

I'm the President of the United States, and I'm openning for Jimmy Kimmel? I have the nuclear codes, why am I telling “knock knock” jokes to Kim Kardashian? Why is she famous anyway? 我可是美國總統啊，我竟然為吉米·凱莫（ABC電視臺深夜脫口秀主持人）熱場？我是手握核武器的統領（美國總統有一只廣為流傳的“核按鈕手提箱”，里面存放著啟動美國核武器的密碼），干嘛要來這給卡戴珊講“敲門”笑話？她到底為啥出名呢？

（卡戴珊最著名的標簽是“帕麗斯·希爾頓的好友”，她是羅伯特·卡戴珊的女兒，奧多姆的大姨子。卡戴珊因性愛視頻而出名。）

That's it.Next year we send Biden.Now you're right.It's way too risky.我受夠了。明年讓拜登替我來好了。你說得對，這么干太危險。（拜登可是口誤帝）

Wow, look at my hair.It really went gray.Do you think anybody would notice if I just went a little darker? Right now like a five on the “Just For Men” scale.I think I would go to 6 and nobody would notice.哇，看我的頭發。一片灰白啊！你說我要是染黑一點會有人發現不？按照“Just For Men”（著名染發產品）的標準，我如今只剩5分黑了。我覺得我要是染成6分黑也應該不會有人注意吧。

Is the teleprompterworking? Are you kidding? What do you expect me to do out there? I literally have no idea what I'm saying tonight.提詞器準備好沒？（自嘲演講全靠提詞器）開什么玩笑？那我一會上場怎么說話啊？我根本不知道今晚要說點什么。

Man!I could really use a cigarette right now.唉，現在真想抽根煙！（自嘲以前是煙鬼）

Okay, okay, I'm going.God forbid we keep Chuck Todd and the cast of Glee waiting.好了好了，這就上場。誰敢讓查克·陶德（美國國家廣播公司政治中心主管）和Glee劇組久等啊！

Host：Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the President of the United States.女士們先生們，掌聲有請美國總統！

Obama：Thank you!Good evening everybody.Good evening!I could not be more thrilled to be here tonight at the White House Correspondents'Dinner.That is great crowd.They're already laughing.It's terrific.謝謝！晚上好各位，晚上好！今天我懷著無比激動的心情來出席白宮記者晚宴。這觀眾太好了，還沒開始就笑成這樣，太好了！

Chuck Todd--love you, brother.I’m delighted to see some of the cast members of Glee are here.And Jimmy Kimmel, it’s an honor, man.What’s so funny? 查克·陶德，哥們我愛你哦！我很高興見到Glee劇組也到場了。還有吉米·凱莫，真是榮幸啊!有啥好笑的？ My fellow Americans, we gather during a historic anniversary.Last year at this time--in fact, on this very weekend--we finally delivered justice to one of the world’s most notoriousindividuals.親愛的美國同胞們，我們歡聚在這具有歷史意義的周年紀念日。去年的這個時候，實際上正是在同一個周末，我們終于將世界上最臭名昭著的惡人正法。（“大惡人”Trump中槍，去年晚宴被猛烈吐槽）

Now, this year, we gather in the midst of a heated election season.And Axelrod tells me I should never miss a chance to re introduce myself to the American people.So tonight, this is how I’d like to begin: My name is Barack Obama.My mother was born in Kansas.My father was born in Kenya.And I was born, of course, in Hawaii.今年，在白熱化的大選季我們再次聚首，Axelrod（奧巴馬的顧問）說我不應該錯過任何重新向美國人民介紹自己的機會。所以今晚我打算就這樣開場：我名叫貝拉克·奧巴馬，我母親出生在堪薩斯，我父親出生在肯尼亞，而我出生在：當然是夏威夷。（自嘲出生證明事件）

In 2009, I took office in the face of some enormouschallenges.Now, some have said I blame too many problems on my predecessor, but let’s not forget that’s a practice that was initiated by George W.Bush.Since then, Congress and I have certainly had our differences;yet, I’ve tried to be civil, to not take any cheap shots.And that’s why I want to especially thank all the members who took a break from their exhausting schedule of not passing any laws to be here tonight.Let’s give them a big round of applause.2009年我就任總統時面臨眾多艱巨挑戰。現在許多人說我把太多問題歸咎于前任身上，但大家別忘了，這樣的做法是小布什首創的。（這句本身就是推給 前任）從那時起，國會跟我就矛盾不斷，但我盡量保持風度，從不陰損吐槽。所以我今天要特別感謝那些從無所事事的百忙之中抽空到場的國會議員。（這就是 cheap shot陰損吐槽啊）大家把熱烈的掌聲獻給他們吧。

Despite many obstacles, much has changed during my time in office.Four years ago, I was locked in a brutal primary battle with Hillary Clinton.Four years later, she won’t stop drunk-texting me from Cartagena.盡管險阻重重，但自我上任以來，許多事都有所改變，四年前，我跟希拉里在初選中斗得你死我活；四年后，她一喝多就從Cartagena給我發短信（希拉里最近走紅的短信照和喝酒照，Cartagena也是特工嫖妓門的發生地）。

Four years ago, I was a Washington outsider.Four years later, I’m at this dinner.Four years ago, I looked like this.Today, I look like this.And four years from now, I will look like this.That’s not even funny.四年前，我是首都政界圈外人；四年后，我出現在白宮晚宴上。四年前，我長這樣；四年后，我長這樣；再過四年，我就會長成這樣了（摩根·弗里曼）。一點也不好笑。

Anyway, it’s great to be here this evening in the vast, magnificent Hilton ballroom--or what Mitt Romney would call a little fixer-upper.I mean, look at this party.We’ve got men in tuxes, women in gowns, fine wine, first-class entertainment.I was just relieved to learn this was not a GSA conference.Unbelievable.Not even the mind reader knew what they were thinking.總之，我很高興今晚來到這宏偉輝煌的希爾頓舞廳，或者用羅姆尼的話來說叫“日久失修的小破屋”（暗指羅姆尼是富二代）。我想說，瞧這派對，有穿著燕 尾服的紳士，穿晚禮服的淑女，醉人美酒和一流演出——聽說這不是GSA大會我才放心（聯邦政府總務署公款吃喝事件）。難以置信啊！連讀心術都看不到他們腦 子里的想法（指腦袋空空）。

Of course, the White House Correspondents’ Dinner is known as the promof Washington D.C.--a term coined by political reporters who clearly never had the chance to go to an actual prom.當然了，白宮記者晚宴又被成為“首都畢業舞會”。發明這個詞的記者顯然從沒真正參加過真正的畢業舞會。

Our chaperone for the evening is Jimmy Kimmel--who is perfect for the job since most of tonight’s audience is in his key demographic--people who fall asleep during Nightline.Jimmy got his start years ago on The Man Show.In Washington, that’s what we call a congressional hearing on contraception.我們今晚的“監護人”是吉米·凱莫（指畢業舞會的成年監護人），他是這個職位的不二人選，因為今晚觀眾都是他的目標人群:那些看 Nightline（凱莫節目之前播出的晚新聞）睡著沒關電視的人。吉米多年前在“男人秀”出道。在華盛頓，“男人秀”是關于女性避孕藥品的國會聽證（聽 證會全是男人出席）。And plenty of journalists are here tonight.I'd be remiss if I didn’t congratulate the Huffington Post on their Pulitzer Prize.You deserve it, Arianna.There's no one else out there linking to the kinds of hard-hitting journalism that HuffPo is linking to every single day.Give them a round of applause.And you don’t pay them--it's a great business model.今晚眾多媒體人到場，我必須要恭喜“赫芬頓郵報”獲得普利策獎。Arianna（該報女掌門），你們當之無愧！沒人能像你們一樣每天“鏈接”到這么多的犀利新聞（指赫芬頓郵報的新聞都是盜用別家鏈接）。請把掌聲獻給他們。你們還不付原作者錢，這是偉大的經營模式啊！

Even Sarah Palin is getting back into the game, guest hosting on The Today Show--which reminds me of an old saying: What's the difference between a hockey mom and a pit bull? A pit bull is delicious.A little soy sauce.連佩林都重返舞臺了，在“今日秀”做嘉賓主持。這使我想起一句老話：“冰球老媽和牛頭犬有什么不同”（這句的內涵是說二者一樣）。牛頭犬的味道好極了。（自嘲6歲吃狗肉事件）再加點醬油。Now, I know at this point many of you are expecting me to go after my likely opponent, Newt Gingrich.Newt, there's still time, man.But I'm not going to do that--I'm not going to attack any of the Republican candidates.Take Mitt Romney--he and I actually have a lot in common.We both think of our wives as our better halves, and polls show, to a alarmingly insulting extent, the American people agree.We also both have degrees from Harvard;I have one, he has two.What a snob.現在，說道這里我知道很多人都在期待我出言攻擊未來的對手，金里奇。紐特你還來得及啊！但我不會那么做。我不會攻擊任何共和黨候選人。比如魯姆你，我們兩個其實有很多共同點，我們都認為自己的老婆比自己更優秀。而且民意調查顯示，令人震驚而難堪的是，很大一部分美國人也這樣認為（他倆都沒老婆受歡 迎）。我們都有哈佛的學位，我有一個，他有兩個。真是勢利小人。

Of course, we've also had our differences.Recently, his campaign criticized me for slow jamming the news with Jimmy Fallon.In fact, I understand Governor Romney was so incensed he asked his staff if he could get some equal time on The Merv Griffin Show.Still, I guess Governor Romney is feeling pretty good about things because he took a few hours off the other day to see The Hunger Games--some of you have seen it.It's a movie about people who court wealthy sponsors and then brutally savage each other until only one contestant is left standing.I'm sure this was a really good change of pace for him.I have not seen The Hunger Games;not enough class warfare for me.當然我倆也有不同之處，近年來他的競選團隊批評我和吉米·法倫表演的“最慢新聞風”。實際上，我知道羅姆尼州長氣瘋了，一直問手下能否上“Merv Griffin秀”（1986年就停播的電視節目）也來這么一長段。而且我舉得羅姆尼最近的心情還是不錯的，因為前幾天他抽時間去看了“饑餓游戲”，有些 人看過了，電影講述的是一群人圍了取悅贊助人殘忍搏殺，直到剩下最后一位幸存者的故事。他看了這片子絕對可以轉換心情啊。我還沒看過“饑餓游戲”，對我來 說片中的“階級斗爭”還不夠（共和黨將稅務問題稱為“階級斗爭”）。Of course, I know everybody is predicting a nastyelection, and thankfully, we've all agreed that families are off limits.Dogs, however, are apparently fair game.And while both campaigns have had some fun with this, the other day I saw a new ad from one of these outside groups that, frankly,I think crossed the line.I know Governor Romney says he has no control over what his super PACs do, but can we show the ad real quick?(Video is played.)當然我知道大家都認為本屆選戰將會不擇手段，幸好，我們都同意不可殃及家人。但是對于狗，顯然就是公平競爭了。雙方陣營都拿這事玩得很開心。某天我 看到這段外圍組織制作的視頻，說實話，我覺得過分了。我知道羅姆尼自稱跟他的“超級PAC”絕無串通，我們來看一下這段宣傳廣告吧。（播放視頻）That’s pretty rough，but I can take it,because my stepfather always told me, it's a boy-eat-dog world out there.這一段太兇殘了，但我還能忍受得住。因為我的繼父經常教導我，這是個“童咬狗”的世界（被羅姆尼陣營曝光的6歲吃狗肉事件）。

Now, if I do win a second term as President, let me just say something to all the--let me just say something to all my conspiracy-oriented friends on the right who think I'm planning to unleash some secret agenda: You're absolutely right.So allow me to close with a quick preview of the secret agenda you can expect in a second Obama administration.現在，如果我真的贏得連任，我想告訴所有熱愛陰謀論的右派朋友，你們認為我企圖進行某些秘密計劃，你們說得一點沒錯。所以結尾部分我要預告一下在我的第二任期內將出現的秘密計劃。

In my first term, I sang Al Green;in my second term, I'm going with Young Jeezy.Michelle said, yeah.I sing that to her sometimes.In my first term, we ended the war in Iraq;in my second term, I will win the war on Christmas.In my first term, we repealed the policy known as “don't ask, don't tell”--wait, though;in my second term, we will replace it with a policy known as, it's raining men.In my first term, we passed health care reform;in my second term, I guess I'll pass it again.在我的第一任期我唱了Al Green的歌，在我的第二任期，我要唱Young Jeezy。米歇爾說：“好啊。”我有時候會給她唱。在我的第一任期我們結束了伊拉克戰爭，在第二任期，我們會打贏“圣誕之戰”（共和黨上綱上線捏造的戰 爭）。在我的第一任期，我們推翻了“不問不說”政策（軍隊的歧視同性戀政策），先別急，在我的第二任期，我們會將此政策替換成“漫天男人”（經典的同性戀 歌曲）。在我第一任期，我們通過了醫保改革；在我的第二任期，我想我得再通過一次（共和黨企圖推翻醫保改革）。

I do want to end tonight on a slightly more serious note--whoever takes the oath of office next January will face some great challenges, but he will also inherit traditions that make us greater than the challenges we face.And one of those traditions is represented here tonight: a free press that isn't afraid to ask questions, to examine and to criticize.And in service of that mission, all of you make sacrifices.其實我想用正經點的內容做今晚的結語，無論明年一月誰宣誓就職都會面臨嚴峻的考驗，但他也會繼承使我們能戰勝考驗的傳統精神。今晚各位所代表的就是這樣的傳統精神。媒體自由讓我們不怕質疑，敢于調查，直言批判。而為了這樣的目標，你們所有人都做出了犧牲。Tonight, we remember journalists such as Anthony Shadid and Marie Colvin--who made the ultimatesacrifice as they sought to shine a light on some of the most important stories of our time.So whether you are a blogger or a broadcaster, whether you take on powerful interests here at home or put yourself in harm's way overseas, I have the greatest respect and admiration for what you do.I know sometimes you like to give me a hard time--and I certainly like to return the favor--but I never forget that our country depends on you.You help protect our freedom, our democracy, and our way of life.今晚，讓我們來紀念像Anthony Shadid和Marie Colvin這樣的勇敢記者（都是在國外報道時去世），他們為了將當代最重大的新聞公諸于世做出了崇高的犧牲。所以無論你是博客作者還是廣播主持，無論你 是在國內盡力報道還是在海外身處險境，我都對你們的事業表示最高的尊敬和贊賞。我知道有時候你們讓我不好過，我也非常想讓你們不好過。但我從未忘記我們的 國家要仰仗你們。你幫助捍衛我們的自由、我們的民主和我們的生活方式。

And just to set the record straight, I really do enjoy attending these dinners.In fact, I had a lot more material prepared, but I have to get the Secret Service home in time for their new curfew.最后說正經的，我確實喜歡參加這樣的晚宴。事實上我還準備了很多段子，但我得讓特勤工們早點回家跟妻子報到。

Thank you very much, everybody.Thank you.非常感謝各位，謝謝！

第五篇：黃西Joe_Wong美國記者年會演講原文及注釋

My name is Joe Wong.But to most people, I am known as “Who?” which is actually my mother’s maiden name, and the answer to my credit card security question.開場先是自嘲下自己默默無聞不為所知，然后利用中英文諧音，再聯系到信用卡密碼保護，因為網上注冊時選擇用于取回密碼的驗證問題里，最常見的就是媽媽的姓氏是什么。

Joking aside, I want to reassure you that I am invited here tonight.因為前一陣子白宮舉行一個活動，美國一對夫妻混過白宮層層保安，裝作是白宮邀請的貴賓，還跟這些政客合影留念并發到網上，其中就有坐在邊上的副總統Joe Biden，被曝光后，在美國引起很大爭議，白宮的安保問題被質疑。

I grew up in China.Who didn’t?

我在中國長大，誰不是呢？裝作無知，認為每個人都是中國人，暗諷了一些美國人的自大，以為世界就是美國。

Most of my childhood memories are totally ruined by my childhood.When I was in elementary school, as part of the curriculum, I worked at a rice paddy next to a quarry where they use explosives to break rocks.That’s where I learned that light travels faster than sound, which is almost as slow as a flying rock.主要是用生動而夸張的語言形容小時候生活環境的惡劣，光速比聲速快，后者跟石頭飛散的速度差不多，就是遠處一道閃光，幾秒后隆隆爆炸聲伴著小石子飛濺過來。

My dad was a grumpy guy.But occasionally he tried to cheer me up with jokes.But he doesn’t do it right.When I was 7 he said to me, “Son, why is tofu better than centralized socialist economy?” 5 minutes later, I said, “Why?” He said, “Because I said so!”

形容父親脾氣暴躁，毫無邏輯，頤指氣使。5分鐘后是笑點，如此荒謬的問題還想了那么久。這兩段就是夸張描述下自己的童年，因為跟美國人的經歷完全不同，觀眾會因為新鮮荒謬而發笑。

I came to the United States when I was 24 to study at Rice University in Texas, that wasn’t a joke, until now.I was driving this used car with a lot of bumper stickers that are impossible to peel off.And one of them said, “If you don’t speak English, go home!” And I didn’t notice it for two years.that wasn’t a joke, until now.這句是臨場發揮，效果很好。bumper sticker這個牌子的內容和所用的語言本身就是很一個矛盾。

And like many other immigrants, We always wanted my son to become the president of this country.We try to make him bilingual, you know, Chinese at home and English outside in public.Which is really a tough to do because many times.Sometimes I had to say to him in public, “If you don’t speak English, go home??” He said to me, “hi, dad, Why do I have to learn two languages?” I said, “When you become the president of United States, you will have to sign legislative bills in English, and talk to debt collectors in Chinese!”

此處用到了剛才sticker上的話；委婉表達了中國是美國的債權國。

When I graduated from Rice, I decided to stay in the US because in China I can’t do the thing I do best here, being ethnic.And in order for me to become a citizen, I had to take those American history lessons where they ask questions like: Who’s Benjamin Franklin? We were like, “Ahh.., the reason our convenient store gets robbed?” What’s the second Amendment? We were like, “Ahh.., the reason our convenient store gets robbed?” What is Roe vs Wade? We went, “Ahh…, two ways of coming to the United States?”

我在中國有件事肯定不如在美國，那就是民族性。用同一個答案回答了兩個美國歷史問題，非常有笑果，用移民的角度“誤解”美國的著名墮胎案判例，是一般美國人無法想象的視角。

Later I read a lot about American history.So much so that I started to feel white guilt.In America, all men are created equal, but after birth, it depends on their parents’ income for early education and healthcare.這段看上去很詭異，作為一個黃色人種，怎么會有這種優越感，去產生white guilt，實際上在為后面跟總統比做鋪墊。

I read on Men’s Health magazine that president Obama every week has two cardio days and 4 weight lifting days.I don’t have to exercise because I have health insurance.I live in Massachusetts where we had universal healthcare and then elected Scott Brown.Talk about mixed message!I think there was a movie about him.It’s called “Kill Bill”

這段是一種很微妙的搞笑，如果奧巴馬那天不是臨時有事，在邊上坐著的話會很有意思。kill bill的bill不是指克林頓，應該指法案。Scott Brown是共和黨人，剛當選麻省議員，反對全民醫保。所以說他kill bill “扼殺了（醫保）法案”。

We have Mr.vice president Joe Biden here tonight.I have read your autobiography and today I see you.I think the book is much better.They should have cast Brad Pitt, or Angelina Jolie.美國政客是要被隨時拿來開涮的，其他的comedian諷刺起來比黃西狠得多。

So, I , to be honest to be here tonight.And I have prepared for months.Eh, for tonight show and I showed the White House, my joke about president Obama.And that is way he decided not to come.And he decide to talk about immigration reforms.Take that Stephen Colbert.And president Obama has always been accused of being too soft, but he was and conducting two wars, and they still gave him the Nobel Peace Prize, and he accepted it.You can’t be badass than that.Well, actually, I am thinking the only way you can more badass than that is it you take Nobel Peace Prize money and give it to the military.諷刺奧巴馬的諾貝爾和平獎奧巴馬沒到，但也沒忘調侃一下他，反襯自己寫的那幾個笑話的威力。提到Stephen Colbert，因為幾年前的記者招待會，他當著bush的面羞辱了bush，那次bush臉色很難看，勞拉甚至罵了粗口，但就是當面很尷尬而已，而我把奧巴馬嚇得都不敢來了，還開始考慮是否該讓這些移民來到美國。相當于說：怎么樣Stephen Colbert，我比你牛X吧

We have many distinguished journalists here whom I consider as peers.Because I used to wrote for the campus newspaper.I think Journalism is the last refuge for puns.Only on a newspaper can you say it, “I was born in the year of the horse, that’s why I’m a neigh-sayer(nay-sayer)”

馬叫聲英文是neigh，neigh-sayer就是發出馬叫聲的人，諧音nay-sayer，后者是總說反對意見，投反對票的人，nay這個詞常用在現場口頭投票，如果反對，一般說nay，不說no。在座很多記者，我認為是我的同行，還有上面的自炫比奧巴馬優越，因為不用健身，都是一種比較難解釋很微妙的幽默，可以理解為對那些自我感覺良好的人的一種諷刺。

My point exactly, today is my first time on C-SPAN, a channel I obvious always watch when I couldn’t stand the sensationalism and demagoguery of PBS and QVC.If I still couldn’t fall asleep after watching C-SPAN, there are C-SPAN2 and 3!

PBS有點類似中國的中央電視臺，弘揚主旋律為主，QVC是電視購物頻道，所以說這倆的審查和煽動性比較強。明知自己的演講時CSPAN在直播，但還諷刺一下這個電視臺，美國人很喜歡這么干。CSPAN相當于美國國會的監控錄像，全天直播國會的各種會議，聽證，剛開始看了新鮮，時間長了就很無聊。

I finally became a US citizen in 2008.Thank you!America is number one!That’s true!Because we won the World Series every year!

諷刺了美國國內的各種職業聯賽冠軍頭銜都叫World Champion。

After becoming the U.S.citizen, I immediately registered to vote for Obama and Biden.(Turn and face Biden)You are welcome.You had me at “yes we can” That was their slogan.當眾邀功奧巴馬和拜登的當選，You had me那句是指，你們的那句Yes we can打動了我。

After getting Obama and Biden elected, I felt this power trip and started to think maybe I should run for president myself.Well I have to take step back and explain a little bit.You know because I had always been morose and pessimistic guy.I feel that life is kind of like peeing into the snow in a dark winter night.You probably made a difference, but it’s really hard to tell.Now we have a president who is half black half white.That just gives me so much hope because I am half not black half not white.Two negatives make a positive.Two negatives make a positive，還有下一句的，這次沒說出來，就是two illegals make a legal，指只要在美國境內出生就自動獲得美國國籍，無論父母身份。

You maybe saying what would be your campaign slogans? You see, I spent 10 years in the past decade.You too, ok so I understand that American people are suffering.So My campaign slogan will be, “Who cares!”

這個who cares是經典，用了一開始說的話，可以理解為hu cares，也就是我關心大家的疾苦，同時who cares這個意思也諷刺了一下美國競選的本質，宣傳口號是口號，當選了也許就不那么關注老百姓的感受了。

If elected, I would make same sex marriage not only legal, but required, that would get me the youth vote.You see that I am married now, but I used to be really scared about marriage.I was like:” Wow!50% of all marriages end up lasting forever!”

同性婚姻問題是政治熱點。一半的婚姻是要持續一生的，正常思維是擔心兩個人會離婚，這里反向思維，頗有笑果。

I will eliminate unemployment in this country by reducing the productivity of American workers so that two people have to do the job of one, just like the president and the vice president, the Olson twins.不斷地調侃總統和副總統。Olson twins是著名雙胞胎，童星。曾經兩人演一個角色，在full house里。

Despite heart diseases and cancer, most Americans die from natural causes.If elected, I will find a cure for natural causes.You seem to like that one, but you won’t be covered by insurance because of pre-existing conditions.pre-existing conditions是指購買醫療保險前的身體狀況，保險公司會相應的拒保或者提高保費。

I have a quick solution for global warming.I will switch from Fehrenheit to Celcius.It was 100 degrees and now it’s 40!You are welcome!I’m great at foreign policy because I’m from China and I can see Russia from my backyard.最后一句是去年美國的經典，麥凱恩搭檔，阿拉斯加女州長佩林接受采訪被問到有什么外交經驗時，說了類似的話，但不是原句。后來經喜劇女王Tina Fey在SNL上模仿調侃，這句成為經典。

On foreign policy.I believe that unilateralism is too expensive;and open dialog is too slow.If elected, I will go with text messaging.I’ll text our allies just to say hi;and text our enemies when they are driving.“OMG you are building nuclear weapons!But you are doing it wrong, LOL!”

I would like to thank Radio and TV Correspondents’ Association for having me here tonight!This is the first time I wish my 3 year old son knew what I was doing.最后感謝提到自己的兒子，很溫馨。

口音很重，但詞匯量驚人！

“I can see Russia

from my back yard”這個說他來自中國來，能在后院看到俄羅斯。這句話引用Sara Palin的，當時Palin和McCain爭奪共和黨候選人的時候，Palin說她來自阿拉斯加，能在后

院就看到俄羅斯。

You had me at

“yes, we can”,有一句很有名的臺詞（來自《Jerry Maguire》）you had me at 'hello.'“ 是一個愛人對她情侶說的，就是說她一見鐘情（從你說”你好“以后，我就愛上你了）。Joe Wang

把這句改成”you had me at 'yes we can'。“yes we can”是奧巴馬競選用的一個口號，所以這個說法意味著他對奧巴馬一見鐘情，而且有副總統喬?拜登在旁邊就更搞笑。