第一篇：適合高一的英文幽默故事大全

1、一個女生前一天晚上得到男朋友的訂婚戒指,但竟沒有一個同學注意到,令她忿忿不平.到下午大家坐著談天的時候,她突然站起來大聲說：“哎呀,這里真熱呀,我看我還是把戒指脫下來吧.”

1.the night before, a girl get boyfriend engagement ring, but no one noticed the classmate, make her antics.You sit and chat in the afternoon, she suddenly stood up and shouted: “oh, it's really hot in here, I think I'd better take off your ring.2、女主人把女傭叫到面前問她：“你是否懷孕了?”

“是啊!”女傭回道.“虧你還說得出口,你還沒有結婚,難道不覺得害羞嗎?”女主人再次訓.“我為什么要害羞,女主人你自己不也懷孕了嗎?” “可是我懷的是我丈夫的!”女主人生氣地反駁.“我也是啊!”女傭高興地附和.2, the mistress called the maid to ask her: ”are you pregnant?“ ”Yes!“ The maid answered.Export ”kui you still say, you are not married, don't you feel shy?“ The hostess training again.”Why should I be shy, you don't the hostess also pregnant?“ ”But I conceive is my husband!“ The hostess retorted angrily.”Me too!“ The maid happy to echo.3、一個人騎摩托車喜歡反穿衣服,就是把口子在后面扣上,可以擋風.一天他酒后駕駛, 翻了,一頭栽在路旁.警察趕到：

警察甲：好嚴重的車禍.警察乙：是啊,腦袋都撞到后面去了.警察甲：嗯,還有呼吸,我們幫他把頭轉回來吧.警察乙：好.一、二使勁,轉回來了.警察甲：嗯,沒有呼吸了.3, a man riding a motorcycle like the dress, is to cut on the back, can the wind.Drunk driving one day, he turned over, a planted on the road.Police: police a: a good serious car accident.Policeman b: yes, his head hit the back.Po1: well, still breathing, let's help him turn his head back.Po2: good...One, two, turn back.Policeman a: well, not breathing...4、在一條七拐八拐的鄉村公路上,因為時常發生車禍,所以常常有一些鬼故事發生,有一天晚上,有一個出租車司機看見路邊有一個長發披肩,身著白衣的女人向他招手,因為這個司機沒有見過鬼,所以大膽的停下來讓她上車了,這一路上,司機雖然不信有鬼,心里也毛毛的,所以時常從后視鏡看后面的女人,開著開著,突然司機發現那個女人不見了!司機嚇了一大跳,趕緊踩了一個剎車!只見那個女人滿臉是血,表情猙獰.司機嚇的牙直打顫.突然那女人開口了：“你會不會開車啊!我低頭系個鞋帶你突然一剎車我把鼻子都撞破了……”

4, turn in a curvy country road, because often in a car accident, so often have some ghost story, one night, there's a taxi driver saw the side of the road have a long hair shawls, dressed in a white woman waved to him, because the driver didn't see a ghost, so bold stopped to let her get on the bus, along the way, the driver doesn't believe in ghosts, the in the mind also maomao, so often the woman behind the rearview mirror to see, open open, the driver found the woman suddenly disappeared!The driver startled, hurriedly stepped on a brake!I saw the woman face is blood, grim expression.The driver frighten of teeth chatter.Suddenly the woman spoke: ”would you drive!I bow to fasten shoelaces are you smashed through a sudden brake my nose...“

5、一個病人去看病,醫生檢查了他,皺著眉頭說：“您病得太嚴重了,恐怕不會活多久了.” 病人：“求您告訴我我還能活多久?” 醫生：“十……” 病人著急地問：“十什么?十年?十個月?十天?” 醫生：“十,九,八,七,六,五……”

5, a patient to see a doctor, the doctor examined him, frowning said: ”you too serious ill, I'm afraid I won't live much longer.“ Patient: ”please tell me how long will I live?“ Doctor: ”ten...“ Patient anxiously asked: ”what? Ten years? Ten months? Ten days?“ Doctor: ”ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five...“

6、老師：“你能說一些18世紀科學家共同特點嗎?”

學生：“能,他們都死了.”

6, teacher: ”can you say some 18 th-century scientists common characteristics?“ Student: ”yes, they are all dead.“

7、犀糞蜣和蚊子談戀愛,蜣問蚊子是做什么工作的,蚊子說：“護士,打針的.”蜣一拍大腿：“緣分吶,我是中藥局搓藥丸的…”

7.rhino poop Qiang and mosquito fall in love, Qiang asked a mosquito is to do what work, the mosquito said: ”nurse, give or take an injection.“ Qiang a clap a thigh: ”the fate, I am a traditional Chinese medicine bureau rub pills...“

8、一非洲人住在某一賓館.夜半,起火,不明原因.非洲人見狀顧不了那么許多,光著身子就跑出去了.消防員見狀驚呼：“我的媽呀!都燒的糊了吧區的了還能跑那么快!”

8, the africans live in a hotel.In the midnight, a fire, unknown reason.Before rushing so many africans, naked and ran out.Firefighters said exclaimed: ”my mama ah!All paste the burned area can run so fast!“

9、一個人想出國考察,但必須得到老總批準.于是他向老總請示,老總給了他一張字條,上面寫著：“Go ahead”.那人想：“Go ahead=前進,老總是批準了.”于是他開始打點行李.一個同事見到了他問：“你在做什啊?”他說：“我準備出國考察,老總批準了,給我寫了?Go ahead?.” 同事一見條就樂了：“咱們老總根本就沒批準!咱老總的英語水平你還不知道,他這是在說去個頭!”

9, a person wants to go abroad, but it must be approved by boss.So he to the manager for instructions, the boss gave him a note, it read: ”Go ahead“.The man thought, ”Go ahead = progress, boss is approved.“ So he started to packing.A colleague to see he asked: ”what are you doing?“ He said: ”I'm ready to Go abroad investigation, boss approved, wrote me 'Go ahead'.“ Colleague of joy at the sight of article: ”let's boss haven't approved!Our boss English don't you know, he is said to head!“

10、牧師對買了他馬和馬車的農夫說：“這匹馬只能聽懂教會的語言,叫”感謝上帝“它就跑;叫”贊美上帝“它才停下.”農夫將信將疑,他試著喊了一聲感謝上帝,那匹馬立刻飛奔起來,越跑越快.一只跑到懸崖邊上驚恐的農夫才想起讓它停下來的口令“贊美上帝”.果然,馬停下來了.死里逃生的農夫長出一口氣：“感謝上帝………”

10, priests to buy his horse and carriage of the farmer said, ”this horse can only understand the language of the church, call“ thank god ”it ran;called“ praise god ”it didn't stop.“ Farmer track, he tried to thank god gave a cry, the horse gallop, immediately ran faster and faster.A run to the edge of the cliff frightened farmer remembered that let it stop password ”praise god“.Sure enough, the horse stopped.Close the farmer grows a sigh: ”thank god."

第二篇：英文幽默故事[模版]

英文幽默故事：

There was a guy who went into a shop to buy a parrot.There werethree parrots in the shop.One was $5,000;another one, $10,000;and the third one, $30,000.The customer asked the owner, “How come this guy is $5,000? That?s so expensive for this kindof parrot.” The owner said, “Because I have trained him and he can talk.” So the customer asked him, “How about this guy? What can he do that makes him so expensive?” The owner said, “Well, apart from talking, he can also do some amusing actions,like dancing and so on.That?s why he?s so expensive.” Then the customer said, “How about the third one? What canhe do that makes him so expensive?” The owner of the shopsaid, “I don?t know.Normally, I have never heard him talk, nor dance, nor whistle, nor sing, nothing at all!But the other two call him ?The Boss.?”

老板最大 有個人到一間商店買鸚鵡。店里有三只鸚鵡，其中一只賣五千元，另一只賣一萬元，還有一只賣三萬元。顧客問老板：「為什么這只要賣五千元？這個價錢對這種鸚鵡來說太貴了！」老板說：「因為我有訓練他講話。」顧客又問：「那這只呢？他會做什么？為什么要賣這么貴？」老板說：「他除了會說話之外，還會表演一些有趣的動作，好比說跳舞等等，所以才賣這么貴。」顧客接著又問：「那第三只呢？他會做什么？為什么要賣這么貴？」老板說：「我不知道。我從沒聽過他講話、吹口哨或唱歌，也沒看過他跳舞，什么都沒有！不過另外兩只叫他：『老板！』」

Where is the egg? Teacher:Can you make a sentence with the word “egg”? Student:Yes.I ate a piece of cake yesterday.Teacher:Then where is the “egg“? Student:In the cake,Sir.雞蛋在哪里？

老師：你能用“雞蛋”一詞造句嗎？ 學生：可以。我昨天吃了一塊蛋糕。老師：“雞蛋”在哪？ 學生：在蛋糕里，先生

Tom is a little boy, and he is only seven years old.Once he goes to a cinema.It is the first time for him to do that.He buys a ticket and goes in.But after two or three minutes he comes out, and buys the second ticket and goes in again.After a few minutes he comes out again and buys the third ticket.Two or three minutes after that he comes out and asks for another ticket.But a girl asks him,“Why do you buy so many tickets? How many friends do you meet?” “No, I have no friends here, but a big woman always stops me at the door and cuts up my ticket.”

湯姆是個小孩，他才7歲。當他去電影院的時候。那時他第一次去。他買了張票進去了。但沒過兩三分鐘他就出來了，然后買了第二張票又進去了。幾分鐘后他又出來買了第三張票。接著兩三分鐘后他又出來買票。一個女的問她，“你為什么要買那么多票啊? 你見到了幾個朋友？” “沒有，我里面沒朋友，但是每當我進門的時候一位大的女人老把我的票給剪了”

Child:My uncle has 1000 men under him.Man:He is really somebody.What does do? Child:A maintenance man in a cemetery 他真是一個大人物

小孩：我叔叔下面有1000個人。

男人：他真是一個大人物。他是干什么的？ 小孩：墓地守墓人。

Teacher: Would Shakespeare be a great man if he were still alive today?

Student: Of course.He must be a great man, for so far nobody has lived to over 400 years.一名偉人

老師：如果莎士比亞還活著，他會是一名偉人嗎？

學生：當然。因為到目前為止，還沒有人活到400多歲。

Mr.Smith: Waiter, there's a dead fly in my soup.Waiter: Yes, sir, I know---it's the heat that kills it.史密斯先生：服務員，我的湯里有一只死蒼蠅．

服務員：是的，先生，我知道了，它是被燙死的．

Son: Dad, give me a dime.Father: Son, don't you think you're getting too big to be forever begging for dimes? Son: I guess you're right, Dad, Give me a dollar, will you? 兒子：爸爸，給我一角錢。

父親：兒子，你不認為你已經長大了，不該再老是一角一角地要錢了(該自立了)，不是嗎？

兒子：爸爸，我想你是對的，那給我一塊錢行嗎？

A little kid fell in love with another little kid, a school mate.Sometimes the kids think they fall in love when they have a crush on someone else in the class, when they?re eight or ten years old or something like that.So the eight-year-oldkid came back home and asked his father, “Father, is it expensive to be married?” And the father said, “Yes, son, it is very expensive.” So the son asked, “How much does it cost?” And the father said, “I don?t know, son.I?m still paying.”

有個小孩愛上了另一個小孩，對方是學校的同學。八歲或十歲左右的孩子有時會迷戀班上某個人，然后就以為自己戀愛了。因此這個八歲的小孩回家問他爸爸：「爸爸，結婚很花錢嗎？」爸爸說：「是啊，兒子，非常花錢。」兒子又問：「要花多少錢呢？」爸爸說：「我不知道，兒子，我到現在還一直在付錢啊！」

“Boy, why have you got cotton-wool in your ear? Is it infected?” “No, sir, but you said yesterday that everything you told me went in one ear and out the other , so I am trying to stop it.”

“孩子，你為什么用棉花塞住耳朵？它感染了嗎？”

“沒有，老師。可是你昨天說你告訴我的知識都是一個耳朵里進，一個耳朵里出，所以我要把它堵在里面。”

“I'm sorry，Madam，but I shall have to charge you twenty dollars for pulling your boy's tooth.”

“Twenty d ollars!Why，I understand you to say that you charged only four dollars for such work!”

“Yes，but this youngster yelled so terribly that he scared four other patients out of the office.”

“對不起，夫人，為您孩子拔牙我要收取20美元。” “20美元！為什么？不是說好只要4美元。”

“是的，但是你的孩子大喊大叫，把另外四個病人嚇跑了。”

TWO： Teacher：We all know that beat causes an object to expand an cold cauese it to contract.Now，can anyone give me a good example?

John：Well，in the summer the days are long，and in the winter the days are short.老師：我們都知道熱脹冷縮的道理。現在，誰給我舉個例子？

約翰：嗯，在夏天天都長，在冬天天都短。

The lecturer on evolution had been going on for nearly two hours.then he started again, and said he:“Let me ask the evolutionist a question---if we had tails like a baboon, where are they?”

“I'll venture an answer, ” said an old lady.“We have worn them off sitting here so long.”.教進化論的老師已經滔滔不絕地講了快兩個小時，他的話題又來了：“讓我向進化論者提個問題——如果我們曾經像狒狒那樣長著尾巴，那么現在尾巴到哪里去了？”

“我來試試看，”一位老太太說。

“該是我們在這里坐這么久把它們磨掉了吧。”

A man was going to the house of some rich person.As he went along the road, he saw a box of good apples at the side of the road.He said, “I do not want to eat those apples;for the rich man will give me much food;he will give me very nice food to eat.” Then he took the apples and threw them away into the dust.He went on and came to a river.The river had become very big;so he could not go over it.He waited for some time;then he said, “I cannot go to the rich man's house today, for I cannot get over the river.” He began to go home.He had eaten no food that day.He began to want food.He came to the apples, and he was glad to take them out of the dust and eat them.Do not throw good things away;you may be glad to have them at some other time.【譯文】 一個人正朝著一個富人的房子走去，當他沿著路走時，在路的一邊他發現一箱好蘋果，他說：“我不打算吃那些蘋果，因為富人會給我更多的食物，他會給我很好吃的東西。”然后他拿起蘋果，一把扔到土里去。他繼續走，來到河邊，河漲水了，因此，他到不了河對岸，他等了一會兒，然后他說：“今天我去不了富人家了，因為我不能渡過河。” 他開始回家，那天他沒有吃東西。他就開始去找吃的，他找到蘋果，很高興地把它們從塵土中翻出來吃了。不要把好東西扔掉，換個時候你會覺得它們大有用處。

A Good Boy

Little Robert asked his mother for two cents.“What did you do with the money I gave you yesterday?” “I gave it to a poor old woman,” he answered.“You're a good boy,” said the mother proudly.“Here are two cents more.But why are you so interested in the old woman?” “She is the one who sells the candy.”

好孩子

小羅伯特向媽媽要兩分錢。

“昨天給你的錢干什么了？”

“我給了一個可憐的老太婆，”他回答說。“你真是個好孩子，”媽媽驕傲地說。“再給你兩分錢。可你為什么對那位老太太那么感興趣呢？” “她是個賣糖果的。”

Drunk

One day, a father and his little son were going home.At this age, the boy was interested in all kinds of things and was always asking questions.Now, he asked, “What's the meaning of the word 'Drunk', dad?” “Well, my son,” his father replied, “look, there are standing two policemen.If I regard the two policemen as four then I am drunk.” “But, dad,” the boy said, “ there's only ONE policeman!”

醉酒

一天，父親與小兒子一塊兒回家。這個孩子正處于那種對什么事都很感興趣的年齡，老是有提不完的問題。他向父親發問道：“爸爸，?醉?字是什么意思？” “唔，孩子，”父親回答說，“你瞧那兒站著兩個警察。如果我把他們看成了四個，那么我就算醉了。” “可是，爸爸，”孩子說，“那兒只有一個警察呀！”

Sleeping Pills

Bob was having trouble getting to sleep at night.He went to see his doctor, who prescribed some extra-strong sleeping pills.Sunday night Bob took the pills, slept well and was awake before he heard the alarm.He took his time getting to the office, strolled in and said to his boss: “I didn't have a bit of trouble getting up this morning.” “That's fine,” roared the boss, “but where were you Monday and Tuesday?”

安眠藥

鮑勃晚上失眠。他去看醫生，醫生給他開了一些強力安眠藥。

星期天晚上鮑勃吃了藥，睡得很好，在鬧鐘響之前就醒了過來。他到了辦公室，遛達進去，對老板說：“我今天早上起床一點麻煩都沒有。” “好啊!”老板吼道，“那你星期一和星期二到哪兒去了？”

第三篇：英文幽默小故事12則

英文幽默小故事12則

How do you know that? Bob: My car doesn't have a speedometer.Rob: Then how do you know how fast you're going?

Bob: Well, when I'm driving at 15 miles an hour, the fenders rattle;at 25 miles an hour, the windows rattle;and at 30, the motor starts knocking-and that's as fast as it'll go.Sooner or later A thief with a long record was brought before the judge.Judge: Have you ever stolen things?

Thief: Oh, now and then.Judge: And where have you stolen these things?

Thief: Oh, here and there.Judge: Right.Lock him up, officer.Thief: Hey, when do I get out jail?

Judge: Oh, sooner or later.Chief is at the wedding A police stopped a motorist who was speeding on the street.“But officer,” the man said, “I can explain.”

“Just be quiet,” snapped the officer.“I'm going to put you in jail until the chief gets back.”

“But ,officer, I ….”

“I said to keep quiet!You are going to jail!”

A few hours later, the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, “You are lucky because the chief is at his daughter's wedding.He'll be in a good mood when he gets back.”

“Are you sure?” answered the man in the cell.“I'm the groom.”

Why he couldn't leave? There was a meeting with a large number of people.At first the speaker was very interesting, but as time went on, he became very boring.Finally when he was through, there was only one man sitting in the large room.The speaker walked up to the man and said, “Thank you for hearing me out when all the others left the room.”

“Oh!Don't mention it!” replied the man, “I cannot leave because I am the next speaker.”

A burglar 入室盜竊者

A man went to the police office wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.“You will get your chance in court.” said the Desk Sergeant.“No, no, no.” said the man.“I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife.I've been trying to do that for years.”

One more cake The old lady was delighted with the gift the boy had brought her.“I'll go round and see your mother tomorrow,” she said, “And I'll thank for this lovely pie.”

“Um, if you don't mind,” the boy said nervously, “could you thank her for two pies?”

Make Your Own Bed Farmer: If you want to spend the night here, you'll have to make your own bed.Traveling salesman: That's perfectly all right.Farmer: Here's a hammer and saw.Good night.What does DC stand for? What does DC stand for?

An American teacher asked one of her pupils, “What's the nation's capital?”

The reply was “Washington DC”

On being asked what the “DC” stood for, the pupils all answered：

“Dot com!”

A poor poet 一名可憐的詩人

Poet: I hope you've received the little volume of poems I sent you.Woman: Oh, yes.It's very nice.I wonder where I've put it?

Her son: It's under the leg of the table, Mom, to make it steady.A Second Language 第二語言

A cat and her four kittens ran into a large dog.When the kittens cowered, the cat let out a series of loud barks, scaring the dog away.Turning to her kittens, the cat said, “You see how important it is to know a second language.”

Accountant An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor.“Doctor, I just can't get to sleep at night.”

“Have you tried counting sheep? ”

“That's the problem.I make a mistake and spend three hours trying to find it.”

This is my seat It was a woman's first time on a plane.She boarded the plane and found herself a window seat.After she settled in, a man came over and insisted that she was in his seat.She ignored him and told him to go away.“Okay,” replied the man.“If that's the way you want it, you fly the plane.”

第四篇：經典英文幽默故事(中英對照)

目錄

⊙出門在外

第一次與最后一次

第一次坐飛機

釘子還是蒼蠅？

其余的事由我負責

熱與冷

士兵的高招

新發現

一個壞印象

⊙工作插曲

安眠藥

創造性

催單

模仿鳥兒

你是怎樣來的？

三個外科醫生

一面之辭

走私犯

⊙購物傳奇

采購過早

翅 膀

零錢不用找了

三聲口哨

太有禮貌

優缺點

照相機

中間戰術

⊙軍旅趣話

大制服

快速反應

視力訓練

速度限制

西點軍校

真沒想到我已經往回跑了這么遠

正是士兵

最好的獎賞

⊙生活空間

臭鼬

搞錯了

好消息和壞消息

絕 配 耐 性

世界上最偉大的擊劍手

只有一次

追星族

⊙童心快語

不用找了

纏住不放

款 待

模 仿

睡前禱告詞

我很高興

我教老師

小妹妹

幸運的母親

一個數學問題

一切都正常

原來如此

⊙我愛我家

百萬富翁

迪斯尼之族

家規

老夫妻吵架

孿生龍蝦

勢均力敵

同樣的服務

我還不認識她呢

⊙校園喜劇

班和笨驢

抄 襲

美 德

區 別

數學沒及格

業余工作

鑰匙還是接吻

自己做好準備

My First and My Last First Flight

A Nail Or A Fly? I'll See to the Rest

Chaude and Cold

A Soldier's Brilliant Idea New Discovery

A Bad Impression

Sleeping Pills Creative Reminder Imitate Birds

How Did You Ever Get Here Three Surgeons

One Side of the Case A Smugglar

Early Shopper Wings

Keep the Change

Three Whistles

Too Polite

Good Points and Bad Points Camera

Midway Tactics

Large Uniforms

Quick Reaction

Visual Training

Speed Limit

West Point

I Didn't Know That I Was So Far Back Already!None Other Than a Soldier

Best Reward

Skunk

A Mistake

Good News And Bad News

Perfect Match

Patience

The World's Greatest Swordsman

Only Once

Starstruck

Keep the Change

Persistance

Treat

Imitation

Bedtime Prayers

I'm Glad

I Taught the Teacher A Baby Sister

Lucky Mother

A Problem in Arithmetic

Things Have Been Okay That's Why

Millionaire

A Trip to Disney

A Family Rule

An Old Couple's Quarrel

Twin Lobsters

A Fine Match

The Same Service

I Don't Know Her

Class and Ass

Plagiarism

Virtue

Difference

Flunking Math

Part-time Job

Keys? Kiss?

Prepare Yourself

第一次與最后一次

喬治35歲時買了架小型飛機，并開始學習駕駛。不久，他就能很嫻熟地駕機做各種各樣的特技飛行了。

喬治有個朋友名叫馬克。一天，喬治主動邀請馬克乘他的飛機上天兜一圈。馬克心想，“我乘大客機飛行過好幾次，還從來沒有乘過小飛機，我不妨試一試。”

升空后，喬治飛了有半個小時，在空中做了各種各樣的飛行特技。

后來他們著陸了。馬克很高興能夠安全返回地面。他用顫抖的聲音對他的朋友說：“喬治，非常感謝你讓我乘小飛機做了兩次飛行。”

喬治非常吃驚地問：“兩次飛行？”

“是的，我的第一次和最后一次。”馬克答道。

My First and My Last

When George was thirty-five, he bought a small plane and learned to fly it.He soon became very good and made his plane do all kinds of tricks.George had a friend.His name was Mark.One day George offered to take Mark up in his plane.Mark thought, “I've travelled in a big plane several times, but I've never been in a small one, so I'll go.”

They went up, and George flew around for half an hour and did all kinds of tricks in the air.When they came down again, Mark was very glad to be back safely, and he said to his friend in a shaking voice, “Well, George, thank you very much for those two trips in your plane.”

Gerogy was very surprised and said, “Two trips?”

“Yes, my first and my last,” answered Mark.第一次坐飛機

約翰遜先生從前未乘過飛機，他讀過許多關于飛行事故的報道。所以，有一天一位朋友邀請他乘自己的小飛機飛行時，約翰遜先生非常擔心，不敢接受。不過，由于朋友不斷保證說飛行是很安全的，約翰遜先生終于被說服了，登上了飛機。

他的朋友啟動引擎開始在機場跑道上滑行。約翰遜先生聽說飛行中最危險的是起飛與降落，所以他嚇得緊閉雙眼。

過了一兩分鐘，他睜開雙眼朝窗外望去，接著對朋友說道：“看下面那些人，他們看起來就象螞蟻一樣小，是不是？”

“那些就是螞蟻，”他的朋友答道，“我們還在地面上。”

First Flight

Mr.Johnson had never been up in an aerophane before and he had read a lot about air accidents, so one day when a friend offered to take him for a ride in his own small phane, Mr.Johnson was very worried about accepting.Finally, however, his friend persuaded him that it was very safe, and Mr.Johnson boarded the plane.His friend started the engine and began to taxi onto the runway of the airport.Mr.Johnson had heard that the most dangerous part of a flight were the take-off and the landing, so he was extremely frightened and closed his eyes.After a minute or two he opened them again, looked out of the window of the plane, and said to his friend, “Look at those people down there.They look as small as ants, don't they?”

“Those are ants,” answered his friend.“We're still on the ground.”

釘子還是蒼蠅？

一位視力正在衰退的老紳士住進了一家旅館的客房。他雙手各拿一瓶酒。在墻上有只蒼蠅，他誤以為是枚釘子。他把兩只瓶子朝上一掛，瓶子掉下來摔碎了，酒灑了一地。一個女服務員發現發生的事情以后，對他深表同情，決定幫他個忙。

于是，第二天早上他到樓頂花園散步時，她把一枚釘子釘在了蒼蠅停過的地方。

這里，老人回到了房里。倒灑的酒味讓他想起了那件事。他抬頭往墻上一看，蒼蠅又停在了那兒!他輕手輕腳地走近，使盡全力拍了一掌。聽到一聲大叫，好心的女服務員沖進房來。讓她大為吃驚的是，可憐的老頭正坐在地板上，牙關緊咬，右手滴血不止。

A Nail Or A Fly?

An old gentleman whose eyesight was failing came to stay in a hotel room with a bottle of wine in each hand.On the wall there was a fly which he took for a nail.So the moment he hung them on, the bottles fell broken and the wine spilt all over the floor.When a waitress discovered what had happened, she showed deep sympathy for him and decided to do him a favour.So the next morning when he was out taking a walk in the roof garden, she hammered a nail exactly where the fly had stayed.Now the old man entered his room.The smell of the spilt wine reminded him of the accident.When he looked up at the wall, he found the fly was there again!He walked to it carefully adn slapped it with all his strength.On hearing a loud cry, the kind-hearted waitress rushed in.To her great surprise, the poor old man was there sitting on the floor, his teeth clenched and his right hand bleeding!

其余的事由我負責

一位車上的列車員剛發出信號讓火車啟動，這時他看見一位很漂亮的姑娘站在站臺上一節打開的車廂門旁邊，跟車廂里另一位漂亮姑娘在說話。

“快點，小姐!”他喊道：“請把門關上。”

“噢，我還沒有和妹妹吻別呢。”她回答道。

“請把門關上好了，”列車員說：“其余的事由我負責。”

I'll See to the Rest

A guard was about to signal his train to start when he saw an attractive girl standing on the platform by an open door, talking to another pretty girl inside the carriage.“Come on, miss!” he shouted.“Shut the door, please!”

“Oh, I just want to kiss my sister goodbye,” she called back.“You just shut that door, please,” called the guard, “and I'll see to the rest.”

熱與冷

蒙特利爾自助餐廳的一位顧客擰開盥洗室的龍頭，結果被水燙傷了。“這太可惡了，”他抱怨道，“標著C的龍頭流出的是開水。”

“可是，先生，C代表Chaude－法語里代表?熱?。如果您居住在蒙特利爾的話就得知道這一點。”

“等等，”那位顧客咆哮一聲，“另外一個龍頭同樣標的是C。”

“當然，”經理說道：“它代表冷。畢竟，蒙特利爾是個雙語城市。”

Chaude and Cold

A patron in Montreal cafe turned on a tap in the washroom and got scalded.“This is an outrage,” he complained.“The faucet marked C gave me boiling water.”

“But, Monsieur, C stands for chaudeand a pair of glasses.Today that man is seated in United States Senate.”

一面之辭

一位法官問我們這群修補陪審員是否有人應當免權。一個人舉起了手。

“我的左耳聽不見。”那人告訴法官。

“你的右邊耳朵聽得見嗎？”法官問道。那人點了點頭。

“你將被允許加入陪審團，”法官宣布。“我們每次只聽一面之辭。”

One Side of the Case

A judge asked our group of potential jurors whether anyone should be excused, and one man raised his hand.“I can't hear out of my left ear,” the man told the judge.“Can you hear out of your right ear?” the judge asked.The man nodded his head.“You'll be allowed to serve on the jury,” the judge declared.“We only listen to one side of the case at a time.”

走私犯

一個形跡可疑的人開車來到邊境，哨兵迎了上去。哨兵在檢查汽車行李箱時，驚奇地發現了六個接縫處鼓得緊繃繃的大口袋。

“里面裝的是什么？”他問道。

“土。”司機回答。

“把袋子拿出來”，哨兵命令道：“我要檢查。”

那人順從地把口袋搬了出來。確實，口袋里除了土以外，別無他特。哨兵很不情愿地讓他通過了。

一周后，那人又來了，哨兵再次檢查汽車上的行李箱。

“這次袋子里裝的是什么？”他問道。

“土，又運了一些土。”那人回答。

哨兵不相信，對那些袋子又進行了檢查，結果發現，除了土以外，仍舊一無所獲。

同樣的事情每周重演一次，一共持續了六個月。最后，哨兵被弄得灰心喪氣，干脆辭職去當了酒吧侍者。有天夜里，那個形跡可疑的人碰巧途經酒吧，下車喝酒。那位從前的哨兵急忙迎上前去對他說，“我說，老兄，你要是能幫我一個忙，今晚的酒就歸我請客。你能不能告訴我，那段時間你到底在走私什么東西？”

那人俯身過來，湊近侍者的耳朵，裂開嘴笑嘻嘻地說：“汽車。”

A Smugglar

The suspicious-looking man drove up to the border, where he was greeted by a sentry.When the guard looked in the trunk, he was surprised to find six sacks bulging at the seams.“What's in here?” he asked.“Dirt,” the driver replied.“Take them out,” the guard instructed.“I want to check them.”

Obliging, the man removed the bags, and sure enough, each one of them contained nothing but dirt.Reluctantly, the guard let him go.A week later the man came back, and once again, the sentry looked in the truck.“What's in the bags this time?” he asked.“Dirt, more dirt.” said the man.Not believing him, the guard checked the sacks and, once again, he found nothing but soil.The same thing happened every week for six months, and it finally became so frustrating to the guard that he quit and became a bartender.Then one night, the suspicious-looking fellow happened to stop by for a drink.Hurrying over to him, the former guard said, “Listen, pal, drinks are on the house tonight if you'll do me a favor: Just tell me what the hell you were smuggling all that time.”

Grinning broadly, the man leaned close to the bartender's ear and whispered, “Cars.”

采購過早

那天是圣誕節，法官在審訊犯人時也有點惻隱之心。“你為什么而被起訴？”他問。

“采購圣誕節物品過早。”被告答。

“這不算犯法，”法官回答，“你購物多早？”

在商店開門之前，“犯人應道。

Early Shopper

It was Christmas and the judge was in a benevolent mood as he questioned the prisoner.“What are you charged with?” he asked.“Doing my christmas shopping early,” replied the defendant.“That's no offense,” replied the judge, “How early were you doing this shopping?”

“Before the store opened,” countered the prisoner.翅 膀

一天，我工作的炸雞店在關門前出現了一陣搶購狂潮，結果除了雞翅外所有的東西都賣完了。當我正準備鎖門時，一名喝醉了的旅客進來要進餐。我問他翅膀行不行，他從柜臺上靠過身子來，回答道：“女士，我到這兒來是吃東西的，不是要飛！”

Wings

The fried-chicken restaurant where I was working had a big rush just before closing one day, leaving us with nothing to sell but wings.As I was about to lock the doors, aa quietly intoxicated customer came in and ordered dinner.When I asked if wings would be all right, he leaned over the counter and replied, “Lady, I came in here to eat, not fly.”

零錢不用找了

在教堂的義賣市上賣舊書時，我與一名準備買東西的顧客發生了一場爭論。他對購買袖珍奧金.納什集頗感興趣，但是說它要三十五美分開價過高。其它的平裝書每本才賣十或十五美分。

我指出這本書保存狀況頗好，納什是個有趣的詩人，這個要價是合理的。他說這是個原則問題。最終，我同意以十五美分的價格將這本書賣給他。他得意洋洋，拿出一張十美元的票子付帳。“零錢不用找了。”他說。

Keep the Change

Selling secondhand books at our church bazaar, I got into an argument with a prospective customer.He was interested in buying The Pocket Book of Ogden Nash but claimed it was overpriced at 35 cents.Other paperbacks were selling for ten or 15 cents each.I pointed out that the book was in good condition.Nash was a fun poet, and it was for a good cause.He said it was a matter of principle.Ultimately, I agreed to sell him the book for 15 cents.Triumphant, he paid with a $10 bill.“Keep the change,” he said.三聲口哨

我答應過我的女朋友過生日進送她一條金項鏈。可是當珠寶商報出我們看中的那條項鏈的價格時，我低低地打了個長口哨。“那這條項鏈多少錢呢？”我指著另一個盤子里的項鏈問。

“先生，對你來說，”珠寶商答道，“大約值三聲口哨。”

Three Whistles

I promised my girlfriend a gold necklace for her birthday, but when the jeweler quoted a price for one we liked, I let out a long, low whistle.“And how much are they then?” I asked, pointing to another tray.“You, sir,” replied the jeweler, “about three whistles.”

太有禮貌

一名婦女經常光顧一家小古董店，但幾乎從不買什么東西，卻總是對商品和價格吹毛求疵。對于那婦女的粗暴抱怨，經理和她的銷售員總是應付了事，但是有一天她做得太過分了。“為什么你們店里總是不能得到我想要的東西？”那名婦女指責說。

職員臉上帶著微笑，沉著地回答道：“也許是因為我們太有禮貌了。”

Too Polite

A woman who frequented a small antique shop rarely purchase anything, but always found fault with the merchandise and prices.The manager and her salesclerk took the woman's grumpy complaints in stride, but one day she went too far.“Why is it I never manage to get what I ask for in your shop?” demanded the woman.A smile on her face, the clerk calmly replied, “Perhaps it's because we're too polite.”

優缺點

“這幢房子，”房地產推銷商說，“既有優點也有缺點。為了說明我是誠實的，我將告訴你們它的缺點there is a chemical plant one block south and a slaughterhouse one block north.“

”What are the advantages?“ inquired the prospective buyer.”The good thing about it,“ said the agent, ”is that you can always tell which way the wind is blowing.“

照相機

在前往威蒙特參加一個婚禮的路上，我和丈夫意識到我們忘了帶照相機。我們在一家百貨商店門前停了下來，希望能夠買到一種便宜的，一次性照相機。薩爾問店主：“你們有那種用了就扔的照相機嗎？”

“我說，小伙子，”店主回答說，“我可不管你買了之后怎么處理它。”

Camera

On our way to a wedding in Vermont, my husband and I realized we had forgotten our camera.We stopped at a general store and, hoping to purchase a cheap, disposable model.Sal asked the owner, ”Do you have any of those throwaway cameras?“

”Look, fella,“ replied the owner, ”I don't care what you do with it after you buy it.“

中間戰術

三個互相爭生意的商店老板在一條林蔭道上租用了毗鄰的店鋪。旁觀者等著瞧好戲。

右邊的零售商掛起了巨大的招牌，上書：“大減價!”“特便宜!”

左邊的商店掛出了更大的招牌，聲稱：“大砍價!”“大折扣!”

中間的商人隨后準備了一個大招牌，上面只簡單地寫著：“入口處”。

Midway Tactics

Three competing store owners rented adjoining shops in a mall.Observers waited for mayhem to ensue.The retailer on the right put up huge signs saying, ”Gigantic Sale!“ and ”Super Bargains!“

The store on the left raised bigger signs proclaiming, ”Prices Slashed!“ and ”Fantastic Discounts!“

The owner in the middle then prepared a large sign that simply stated, ”ENTRANCE“.大制服

在圣安東尼奧的萊克蘭空軍基地的頭三天，我們被從一個地方趕到另一個地方去理發、照相、領制服。回到營房之后，訓練指導員讓我們穿上制服，在營房前原地解散。但是，我些制服特別大。我們列隊的時候，中士和他的副手就站在門邊。“我們得將一些人弄回去重新量一下，”他說，“最后那個人走了兩步，他的制服才動。”

Large Uniforms

During our first three days at Lackland Air Force Base in San Antonio, we were herded from place to place for haircuts, shots and uniforms.Back in our barracks, the drill instructor told us to put on our uniforms and fall out in front of the building.Some of the uniforms, however, were extremely large.As we filed outside, the sergeant stood by the door with his assistant.”We have to take some of these people back for refitting,“ he said.”That last man took two steps before his uniform moved.“

快速反應

我和連長在面試我們炮兵部隊偵察中士一職的候選人。被選的士兵要求有敏銳的觀察力及快速的反應力。在一次面試時，連長指著一英里外的一座小山問一名年輕的中士：“你能看見那座山嗎？”

“是的，長官。”他回答道。

“你能看見那座山上的無線電天線嗎？”那士兵又說他能。“那么，”連長接著說：“你能看見停在天線上的那只鳥嗎？”

那名中士身體前傾，眼睛瞇成一條縫。“看不見，長官，”他說，“但我聽見它在唱歌。”

他得到了那份工作。

Quick Reaction

My battery commander and I were interviewing candidates for a position as reconnaissance sergeant in our artillery unit.The selected soldier needed to have keen eyesight, plus the ability to react quickly.During one interview, the commander pointed to a hill about a mile away and asked a young sergeant, ”Can you see that hill over there?“

”Yes, sir.“ he replied.”Can you see the radio antenna on that hill?“ Again, the soldier said that he could.”Well, then,“ the commander went on, ”Can you see that bird sitting on the antenna?“

The sergeant leaned forward and squinted.”No, sir,“ he said, ”but I can hear it is singing.“

He got the job.視力訓練

班里正在進行“視力訓練”。一個聰明伶俐的新兵被班長叫出來數遠處曠野上采掘隊的人數。采掘隊在很遠的地方，那些人看起來只是一些小點兒。但是這個新兵毫不猶豫的回答：

“十六個士兵和一個中士，長官。”

“正確。可你如何知道那兒有一個中士？”

“他不干活，長官。”

Visual Training

The squad were having ”visual training“.One smart recruit was asked by the officer to count how many men composed a digging party in a distant field.The party was so far away that the men appeared as mere dots, but unhesitatingly the recruit replied:

”Sexteen men and a sergeant, sir.“

”Right;but how do you know there's a sergeant there?“

”He's not doing any digging, sir.“

速度限制

我作為美國空軍人員分遣部隊的一員駐扎在英國皇家空軍某某地，那里有一條狹窄的馬路蜿蜒穿過擁擠的居民區。因為多次出現汽車撞傷行人一類不甚嚴重的車禍，美國空軍司令員決定將車速限制在每小時三英里。

新的車速限制公布后不久，一名騎警中士因一名吉普車司機開車時速達五英里而給他開了一張超速傳票。

我很想知道騎警是怎樣如此精確地知道那輛吉普車的速度的。“我遛達著要在郵局關門之前到達那里，”他解釋道：“當我超過吉普車時，我注意到計速器指向了每小時五英里。”

Speed Limit

The British RAF base where I was stationed as part of a contingent of USAF personnel had one narrow road winding through the crowded residential area.After a rash of minor vehicle pedestrian accidents, the USAF commander decided to reduce the speed limit to three m.p.h.Shortly after the new limit was posted, an MP sergeant issued a speeding citation to a jeep driver for going five m.p.h.I was curious to know how the MP had determined the jeep's speed so exactly.”I was jogging to get to the PX before it closed,“ he explained, ”and as I passed the jeep, I noticed that the speedometer read five m.p.h.“

西點軍校

父親、哥哥和我到西點軍校去觀看一場陸軍與波士頓大學之間的橄欖球賽。開始之前，我們到處轉了轉，碰到許多穿著整齊制服的學員。幾名游客問新兵是否愿意擺出軍姿來讓他們攝。“好認我們的兒子知道，如果他到西點軍校來學習會得到什么。”

一對中年夫婦走近一名非常漂亮的女學員，問她是否愿意擺個姿勢照相。他們解釋說：“我們想讓兒子知道他沒來西點軍校錯過了什么。”

West Point

My father, brother and I visited West Point to see a football game between Army and Boston College.Taking a stroll before kickoff, we met many cadets in neatly pressed uniforms.Several visting fans asked the recruits if they would pose for photographs, ”to show our son what to expect if he should attend West Point.“

One middle-aged couple approached a very attractive female cadet and asked her to pose for a picture.They explained, ”We want to show our son what he missed by not coming to West Point.“

真沒想到我已經往回跑了這么遠!

第一次世界大戰期間，一場大戰役正在進行。槍炮轟鳴，子彈橫飛。這樣持續了一小時后，有個士兵認為戰斗太危險了，所以他離開前線，開始逃離戰場。走了一個小時后，他看見一個軍官朝他走過來。軍官攔住他，問道：“你到哪兒去？”

“長官，我正盡力躲開身后正在進行的戰斗。”士兵回答說。

“你知道我是誰嗎？”軍官生氣地說：“我是你們的指揮官。”

士兵聽了十分驚訝地說：“天哪，真沒想到我已經往回跑了這么遠!”

I Didn't Know That I Was So Far Back Already!

A big battle was going on during the First World War.Guns were firing, and shells and bullets were flying about everywhere.After an hour of this, one of the soldier decided that the fighting was getting too dangerous for him, so he left the front line and began to go away from the battle.After he had walked for an hour, he saw an officer coming towards him.The officer stopped him and said, ”Where are you going?“

”I'm trying to get as far away as possible from the battle that's going on behind us, sir.“ the soldier answered.”Do you know who I am?“ the officer said to him angerly.”I'm your commanding officer.“

The soldier was very surprised when he heard this and said, ”My God, I didn't know that I was so far back already!“

正是士兵

作為一名新上任的步兵中尉，我通過擦拭自己的M-16式自動步槍給全排作個榜樣。我們一塊擦槍，一名戰士抱怨由于M-16的槍栓槍膛的特別凹形結構，擦起來十分困難。

“中尉，應該制造一種擦這槍的工具。”士兵說。

“已經制造出來了。”一軍士尖叫。

“真的？”我十分詫異，納悶為什么我們沒有定購這種工具。

“真的，長官，”軍士答道，“它就是士兵。”

None Other Than a Soldier

As a newly commissinaed infantry lieutenant, I was eager to set an example for my platoon by cleaning my own M-16 rifle.While we were working on the weapons, one soldier complained about the unusual notched shape of the M-16's bolt and chamber, which makes it difficult to clean.”Lieutenant, they need to make something to clean this with,“ the soldier said.”They do,“ piped up a sergeant.”Really,“ I said with surprise, wondering why we had not ordered such a tool.”Yes, sir,“ replied the sergeant.”It's called a soldier.“

最好的獎賞

一名海軍軍官從甲板上掉入海中。他被一名甲板水手救起。這位軍官問如何都能酬謝他。

“最好的辦法，長官，”這名水手說，“是別聲張這事。如果其他人知道我救了您，他們會把我扔下去的。”

Best Reward

A naval officer fell overboard.He was rescued by a deck hand.The officer asked how he could reward him.”The best way, sir,“ said the deck hand, ”is to say nothing about it.If the other fellows knew I'd pulled you out, they'd chuck me in.“

臭 鼬

“我們的地下室里有一只臭鼬，”打電話的人對警察調度員尖叫道。“我們怎樣才能把它弄出來？”

“弄一些面包屑，”調度員說，“從地下室往外鋪一條小道直到后院。然后將地下室的門打開。”

一段時間后，那位居民又將電話打了回來。“你們將它弄出來了嗎？”調度員問。

“沒有，”打電話的人答道，“現在那兒有兩只臭鼬了。”

Skunk

”We have a skunk in the basement,“ shrieked the caller to the police dispatcher.”How can we get it out?“

”Take some bread crumbs,“ said the dispatcher, ”and put down a trail from the basement out to the back yard.Then leave the cellar door open.“

Sometime later the resident called back.”Did you get rid of it?“ asked the dispatcher.”No,“ replied the caller.”Now I have two skunks in there!“

搞錯了

一位美國人，一位英格蘭人和一位加拿大人在一場車禍中喪生。他們到達天堂的門口。在那里，醉醺醺的圣彼德解釋說是搞錯了。“每人給我五百美元，”他說，“我將把你們送回人間，就象什么都沒有發生過一樣。”

“成交!”美國人說。立刻，他發現自己毫不損傷地站在現場附近。

“其他人在哪兒？”一名醫生問道。

“我離開之前，”那名美國人說，“我看見英格蘭人正在砍價，而那名加拿大人正在分辯說應該由他的政府來出這筆錢。”

A Mistake

An Amercian, a Scot and a Canadian were killed in a car accident.They arrived at the gates of heaven, where a flustered St.Peterexplained that there had been a mistake.”Give me $500 each,“ he said, ”and I'll return you to earth as if the whole thing never happened.“

”Done!“ said the American.Instantly, he found himself standing unhurt near the scene.”Where are the others?“ asked a medic.”Last I knew,“ said the American, ”the Scot was huggling price, and the Canadian was arguing that his government should pay.“

好消息和壞消息

“有好消息，也有壞消息，”離婚律師告訴他的當事人。

“我總能利用一些好消息吧，”當事人吧了口氣說，“是什么好消息？”

“你妻子沒有要求將你未來的繼承財產也劃入裁決的范圍。”

“那么壞消息呢？”

“離婚以后，她將與你父親結婚。”

Good News And Bad News

”There's good news and bad news,“ the divorce lawyer told his client.”I could sure use some good news,“ sighed the client.”What's it?“

”Your wife isn't demanding that your future inheritances be included in the settlement.“

”And the bad news?“ ”After the divorce, she's marrying your father.“

絕 配

一位富婆為擁有一只珍貴的古玩而深感驕傲，以至于她竟要把臥室漆成與花瓶同樣的顏色。幾名油漆匠試圖調出這個底色，但是誰也沒有能令那位怪癖的婦女滿意。

最后來了位油漆匠。他非常自信能調出那種顏色。那婦女對他的成果非常滿意，油漆匠于是一舉成名。

多年以后，他退休了，生意也交給兒子。“爸，”兒子說，“有件事我得弄清楚，您是怎樣使墻的顏色與花瓶配得那么絕的？”

“兒子，”父親回答說，“我漆了花瓶。”

Perfect Match

A wealthy matron is so proud of a valuable antique vase that she decides to have her bedroom painted the same color as the vase.Several painters try to match the shade, but none comes close enough to satisfy the eccentric woman.Eventually, a painter approaches who is confident he can mix the proper color.The woman is pleased with the result, and the painter becomes famous.Years later, he retires and truns the business over to his son.”Dad,“ says the son, ”there's something I've got to know.How did you get those walls to match the vase so perfectly?“

”Son,“ the father replies, ”I painted the vase.“

耐 性

垂釣者：你已經盯著看了三個小時了，你干嘛不自己親自釣呢？

旁觀者：我沒那耐性。

Patience

Angler: You've been watching me for three hours now.Why don't you try yourself?

Onlooker: I haven't got the patience.世界上最偉大的擊劍手

在一場世界最佳擊劍手表演中，排名第三的擊劍手上場了。一只蒼蠅放了出來，劍劃了一個弧，他將蒼蠅劈成了兩半。觀眾歡呼起來。緊接著排名第二的人將一只蒼蠅切成了四半。現場一陣沉默，人們期盼著世界上最偉大的擊劍手出場。

他的劍鋒以一個巨大的弧線劃了下來－－然而那只昆蟲還在繼續飛行!觀眾被驚呆了。最偉大的擊劍手完全錯過了他的目標，然而他還在微笑著。

“你為什么這么高興？”有人嚷道，“你沒擊中!”

“啊，”劍手答道，“你剛才沒有很仔細地看。蒼蠅還活著，是的－－但他永遠也做不成爸爸了。”

The World's Greatest Swordsman

At an exhibition of the world's best swordsman, the third-place fencer took the stage.A fly was released, and with an arc of his sword he cut the fly in half.The crowd cheered.Then the second-place man sliced a fly into quarters.A hush fell in anticipation of the world's greatest swordsman.His blade came down in a mighty arcbut he will never be a father.”

只有一次

一位馴獅新手正在接受采訪。“我知道你的父親也是個馴獅手，”記者說。

“他過去是。”那人回答說。

“你真的把頭伸進過獅子的嘴里嗎？”

“只有一次，”那位馴獅新手說，“為了找我爸爸。”

Only Once

A novice lion tamer was being interviewed.“I understand your father was also a lion tamer,” the reporter queried.“Yes, he was,” the man replied.“Do you actually put your head in the lion's mouth?”

“I did it only once,” said the new tamer, “to look for Dad.”

追星族

從小時候起，我就一直被明星所深深吸引，因此不久以前當我在紐約第五大街上認出演員厄內斯特.波格尼向我迎面走過來時，我欣喜若狂，完全不知該說什么好。“怎么，你是厄內斯特.波格尼!”我想法迸出一句話來。

“是的，”他很有禮貌地點了點頭，說道：“我知道。”

Starstruck

I have been starstruck since I was a little girl, so I was delighted and practically speechless not long ago when I spotted the actor Ernest Borgnine walking in my direction on New York's Fifth Avenue.“Why, you're Ernest Borgnine!” I managed to blurt out.“Yes,” he said, nodding politely, “I know.”

用找了

有一天天氣悶熱，我將冰淇淋舀進錐筒，告訴我的四個小孩，他們可以從我這里用擁抱“購買”一筒。于是，孩子們馬上排起了隊來購買。較小的三個孩子每人很快的抱了我一下，抓過冰淇淋筒就跑到外面去了。最后輪到排在隊尾十年的大兒子來“買”冰淇淋時，他擁抱了我二下。“不用找了，”他笑著說。

Keep the Change

One sweltering day, I was scooping ice cream into cones and told my four children they could “buy” a cone from me for a hug.Almost immediately, the kids lined up to make their purchases.The three youngest each gave me a quick hug, grabbed their cones and raced back outside.But when my teen-age son at the end of the line finally got his turn to “buy” his ice cream, he gave me two hugs.“Keep the changes,” he said with a smile.纏住不放

丈夫打完高爾夫球回來，我們四歲的女兒莎拉在門口迎了上去。“爸爸，誰贏了高爾夫球比賽，是你還是理查叔叔？”

“我和理查叔叔打高爾夫球不是為贏，”丈夫推諉說。“我們打球只是為了好玩而已。”

莎拉毫不氣餒，又問：“那么，爸爸，誰覺得更好玩呢？”

Persistance

Returning from a golf outing, my husband was greeted at the door by Sara, our four-year-old daughter.“Daddy, who won the golf game? You or Uncle Richie?”

“Uncle Richie and I don't play golf to win,” my husband hedged.“We just play to have fun.”

Undaunted, Sare said, “Okay, Daddy, who had more fun?”

款 待

我是新澤西州大西洋城警察局的一名新警察。我被指派巡邏一條海濱的路線，幾乎每天都能碰上與父母走散的孩子。

一天下午，我發現一個小孩獨自站在那里，顯然是迷了路。我先是設法取得他的信任－我帶他到附近的冰淇淋攤給他買了一個蛋筒。過了很長時間，也沒看見他父母的影子，所以我就準備打電話叫輛巡邏車將他送回總部去。我告訴他站在那里別動，我去電話亭打電話。當我回來時，卻發現他不知道到哪兒去了。

警車很快來了。一名警察問我小孩在哪里。我感覺自己傻極了，說自己弄丟了一個迷路的小孩，該多丟人啊！但我還是告訴了警察們所發生的一切，并描述了一下小孩的長相。“你請他吃了什么？”一名警察問。

“一個冰淇淋蛋筒。怎么啦？”

“因為，”那名警察說，“那個小孩住的地方離這兒只隔幾個街區。而你大概是新警察中幫他買東西吃的第五個傻瓜蛋！”

Treat

As a rookie in the Atlantic City, N.J., Police department, I was assigned a beat on the boardwalk.Hardly a day went by when I didn't come upon a child who had become separated from his parents.One afternoon, I spotted a small boy standing alone, obviously lost.I tried to gain his confidence$45.“

”Why don't you order that, Mom?“ I asked.”I know how much you like lobster.“

She looked at me with the eyes of a skeptic and shook her head.”How do they know they're really twins?“

勢均力敵

有一天某位女士看到一只老鼠在自家的廚房地板上竄過。她很害怕老鼠，所以她沖出屋子，搭上了公共汽車直奔商店。在那兒，她買了一只老鼠夾。店主告訴她：“放點奶酪在里面，很快你就會逮住那只老鼠的。”

這位女士帶著鼠夾回到家里，但她沒有在碗櫥里找到奶酪。她不想再回到商店里去，因為已經很晚了。于是，她就從一份雜志中剪下一幅奶酪的圖片放進了夾子。

令人稱奇的是，這畫有奶酪的圖片竟然奏效了!第二天早上，這位女士下樓到廚房時，發現鼠夾里奶酪圖片旁有一張畫有老鼠的圖片!

A Fine Match

One day a lady saw a mouse running across her kitchen floor.She was very afraid of mouse, so she ran out of the house, got into a bus and went to the shops.There she bought a mousetrap.The shopkeeper said to her, ”Put some cheese in it and you will soon catch that mouse.“

The lady went home with her mousetrap, but when she looked in her cupboard, she could not find any cheese in it.She did not want to go back to the shop, because it was very late, so she cut a picture of some cheese out of a magazine and put that in the trap.Surprisingly, the picture of the cheese was quite successful!When the lady came down to the kitchen the next morning she found a picture of a mouse in the trap beside the picture of the cheese!

同樣的服務

有位結婚十年的男人，正向婚姻顧問請教。

“新婚時我非常幸福。在市區的商店里累了一天，回到家里，小狗圍著我又跑又叫，妻子忙給我拿來拖鞋。現在一切都變了。小狗給我叼來拖鞋，妻子對我又喊又叫。”

“我不知道你有什么可抱怨的，”顧問說，“你得到的服務還是同樣的嘛。”

The Same Service

A man who had been married for ten years was consulting a marriage counselor.”When I was first married, I was very happy.I'd come home from a hard day down at the shop, and my little dog would race around barking, and my wife would bring me my slippers.Now everything's changed.When I come home, my dog brings me my slippers, and my wife barks at me.“

”I don't know what you're complaining about,“ said the counselor, ”You're still getting the same service.“

我還不認識她呢

一對夫婦在公園里散步，發現一對年輕的男女坐在一條長凳上，動情地接吻。

“你為什么不那么做呢？”妻子說。

“親愛的，”丈夫回答說，“我還不認識那個女子呢!”

I Don't Know Her

A couple walking in the park noticed a young man and woman sitting on a bench, passionately kissing.”Why don't you do that?“ said the wife.”Honey,“ replied her husband, ”I don't even know that woman!“

班和笨驢

格拉斯哥的勞里教授在門上貼了這樣一個通知：“勞里教授今天不見他的班級。”

一個學生讀了通知后，擦掉了字母“c”(lass：姑娘)。

后來勞里教授來了，也想開開玩笑，他擦掉了字母“l”(ass：笨驢)。

Class and Ass

Professor Laurie of Glasgow put his notice on his door: ”Professor Laurie will not meet his classes today.“

A student, after reading the notice, rubbed out the ”c“.Later Professor Laurie came along, and entering into the spirit of the joke, rubbed out the ”l“.抄 襲

我有個朋友在圣路易斯的華盛頓大學教歐洲歷史，他說有一次他發現了一篇抄襲的學期論文。他把那個學生叫到了辦公室。“這不是你寫的，”他說，“有人幫你從百科全書上原封不動地打印了下來。”

“你沒有證據。”那學生氣急敗壞地說。

我朋友笑了，他把論文拿給他看。用紅筆圈出來的是：“也可參閱共產主義一文。”

Plagiarism

A friend of mine who teachs European history at Washington University in St.Louis tell about the time he spotted a plagiarized term paper.He summoned the student to his office.”This isn't your work.“ he said.”Someone typed it for you straight out of the encyclopedia.“You cann't prove that!” the student sputtered.My friend amiled and show him the paper.Circled in red was: “Also see article on communism.”

美 德

獲取研究生學位多年以后，我回到位于賓翰頓的紐約州立大學當教員。一天，電梯里很擁擠，有人抱怨電梯效率太低。我說自我在那里當學生起，20年來電梯一直沒有換過。

最后當電梯門打開時，我感到有人在我的背上同情地拍了一下，回過頭來我看到一位年長的修女正在朝我微笑。“你會拿到學位的，親愛的，”她低聲說道：“堅持不懈是一種美德。”

Virtue

Many years after receiving my graduate degree, I returned to the State University of New York at Binghamton as a faculty member.One day in a crowded elevator, someone remarked on its inefficiency.I said the elevators had not changed in the 20 years since I began there as a student.When the door finally opened, I felt a compassionate pat on my back, and turned to see an elderly nun smiling at me.“You'll get that degree, dear,” she whispered.“Perseverance is a virtue.”

區 別

“研究生班和本科生很容易就能區別開來，”在洛杉磯加利福利亞州立大學給我們研究生上工程學課的老師如此說。“我說?下午好?，本科生們回答說?下午好?。研究生們則把我說的話記在筆記本上。”

Difference

“I can always tell a graduate class from an undergraduate class,” observed the instructor in one of my graduate engineering courses at California State University in Los Angeles.“When I say, 'Good afternoon,' the undergraduates respond, 'Good afternoon.” But the graduate students just write it down.“

數學沒及格

我兒子是印第安那市曼西爾波州立大學的學生，大學一年級就上了系主任的名單。第二年他學心理學，剛幾個星期他就給家里打了個電話。

“媽媽，”他激動地說：“我找到了如何在大學里生存下去的答案!重要的不是分數，而是具備將學到的知識應用于日常生活的素質。我很幸運地有了這種奇妙的經歷。”

“你到底是什么意思？”我問道。

“我數學沒及格。”他回答說。

Flunking Math

My son, who made the dean's list in his freshman year at Ball State University in Muncie, Ind., called home a few weeks after starting his sophomore year as a psychology student.”Mom,“ he said excitely, ”I have found the answer to surviving college!It isn't the grades that are so important, but the quality of what is learned and how it is applied to daily life.I'm lucky to be having these wonderful experiences!“

”And just what does this mean?“ I asked.”I'm flunking math,“ he replied.業余工作

我兒子在一所中學讀二年級時，在一家超級市場找到了一份包裝商品的業余工作。他滿面笑容地回到了家。

“第一天感覺如何？”我問。

“好極了，爸爸。”他答道，“我跟許多漂亮的女孩子講了話。”

由于斯蒂芬不善言談，我問道：“你跟他們說了些什么？”

“你是喜歡紙包裝還是塑料包裝？”

Part-time Job

When my son was a hign-school sophomore, he got a part-time job sacking groceries at a supermarket.He came home all smiles.”How was your first day?“ I asked.”It was great, Dad,“ he replied.”I got to talk to some good-looking girls.“

Since Stephen is not very talkative, I asked, ”What did you say to them?“

”Do you prefer paper or plastic?“

鑰匙還是接吻

我的一位朋友在給一個成人學生班級上英語課。他們都是新近來美國生活的。在一張桌子上擺了許多日常用品之后，他請全班同學給他挑出尺子，書本，鋼筆等。課進行得井然有序，學生們對自己所做的似乎很感興趣，也很認真。后來輪到一名來自意大利的學生，我的朋友說：“給我鑰匙。”那人看起來非常吃驚，也有點手足無措。看到這種情況，我的朋友想是他沒有聽清楚，于是又重復了一遍：“給我鑰匙。”那位意大利學生聳了聳肩。接著，他伸出胳膊摟住老師的脖子在雙頰上親了兩下。

Keys? Kiss?

A friend of mine was giving an English lesson to a class of adult who had recently come to live in the United States.After placing quite a number of everyday objects on a table, he asked various members of the class to give him the ruler, the book, the pen and so on.The class went very smoothly and the students seemed interested and serious about the work that they were engaged in until when my friend turned to an Italian student and said, ”Give me the kays.“ The man looked surprised and somewhat at a loss.Seeing this, my friend thought that the student hadn't heard him clearly, so he repeated.”Give me the kays.“ The Italian shrugged his shoulders.Then, he threw his arms around the teacher's neck and kissed him on both cheeks.自己做好準備

校園里流傳著這樣的故事：一個學生一次給父母拍了一份電報，上面寫著：“媽媽－我所有功課都不及格，被學校開除。讓爸爸做好準備。”

兩天以后，他收到了回電：“爸爸已準備好。你自己做好準備吧!”

Prepare Yourself

A story around campus has it taht a student once sent a telegram to his parents reading: ”Mom-flunked all courses.Kicked out of school.Prepare Pop.“

Two days later he received a response: ”Pop prepared.Prepare yourself."

第五篇：螃蟹和媽媽英文幽默故事

“My child,” said a Crab to her son, “why do you walk so awkward? If you wish to make a good appearance, you should go straight forward, and not to one side as you do so constantly.”

“I do wish to make a good appearance, Mamma” said the young Crab;“and if you will show me how, I will try to walk straight forward.“

”Why, this is the way, of course,“ said the mother, as she started off to the right, ”No, this is the way,“ said she, as she made another attempt, to the left.The little Crab smiled.”When you learn to do it yourself, you can teach me," he said, and he went back to his play.“我的孩子，”螃蟹媽媽對兒子說，“你怎么走起路來這么難看呢?要想看起來像模像樣,你就應該徑直朝前走，而不是像你一樣總是朝一邊走。”

“我真希望能像模像樣,媽媽.”小螃蟹說，”如果你能教我怎么做，我就會努力之朝前走.”

“哎呀，當然了，就是這樣!”媽媽說著，一邊就開始朝右邊走。

“不，是這樣的啦!”她說，一邊又朝左邊來。

螃蟹笑了，說：“等你自己學會了再來教我吧!”然后，他就回去玩了。