第一篇：熱門TED演講：二十歲是不是可以揮霍的光陰？

熱門TED演講：二十歲是不是可以揮霍的光陰？

5天內(nèi)超過60萬次瀏覽量的最新TED演講“二十歲一去不再來”激起了世界各地的熱烈討論，資深心理治療師 Meg Jay 分享給20多歲青年人的人生建議：（1）不要為你究竟是誰而煩惱，去賺那些說明你是誰的資本。（2）不要把自己封鎖在小圈子里。（3）記住你可以選擇自己的家庭。

Meg說：“第一，我常告訴二十多歲的男孩女孩，不要為你究竟是誰而煩惱，開始思考你可以是誰，并且去賺那些說明你是誰的資本。現(xiàn)在就是最好的嘗試時機(jī)，不管是海外實(shí)習(xí)，還是創(chuàng)業(yè)，或者做公益。第二，年輕人經(jīng)常聚在一起，感情好到可以穿一條褲子。可是社會中許多機(jī)會是從遠(yuǎn)關(guān)系開始的，不要把自己封鎖在小圈子里，走出去你才會對自己的經(jīng)歷有更多的認(rèn)識。第三，記住你可以選擇自己的家庭。你的婚姻就是未來幾十年的家庭，就算你要到三十歲結(jié)婚，現(xiàn)在選擇和 什么樣的人交往也是至關(guān)重要的。簡而言之，二十歲是不能輕易揮霍的美好時光。”

這段關(guān)于20歲青年人如何看待人生的演講引起了許多TED粉絲的討論，來自TEDx組織團(tuán)隊的David Webber就說：Meg指出最重要的一點(diǎn)便是青年人需要及早意識到積累經(jīng)驗(yàn)和眼界，無論是20歲還是30歲，都是有利自己發(fā)展的重要事。”

When I was in my 20s, I saw my very first psychotherapy client.I was a Ph.D.student in clinical psychology at Berkeley.She was a 26-year-old woman named Alex.記得見我第一位心理咨詢顧客時，我才20多歲。當(dāng)時我是Berkeley臨床心理學(xué)在讀博士生。我的第一位顧客是名叫Alex的女性，26歲。

Now Alex walked into her first session wearing jeans and a big slouchy top, and she dropped onto the couch in my office and kicked off her flats and told me she was there to talk about guy problems.Now when I heard this, I was so relieved.My classmate got an arsonist for her first client.(Laughter)And I got a twentysomething who wanted to talk about boys.This I thought I could handle.第一次見面Alex穿著牛仔褲和寬松上衣走進(jìn)來，她一下子栽進(jìn)我辦公室的沙發(fā)上，踢掉腳上的平底鞋，跟我說她想談?wù)勀猩膯栴}。當(dāng)時我聽到這個之后松了一口氣。因?yàn)槲彝瑢W(xué)的第一個顧客是縱火犯，而我的顧客卻是一個20出頭想談?wù)勀猩呐ⅰＮ矣X得我可以搞定。But I didn't handle it.With the funny stories that Alex would bring to session, it was easy for me just to nod my head while we kicked the can down the road.但是我沒有搞定。Alex不斷地講有趣的事情，而我只能簡單地點(diǎn)頭認(rèn)同她所說的，很自然地就陷入了附和的狀態(tài)。

“Thirty's the new 20,” Alex would say, and as far as I could tell, she was right.Work happened later, marriage happened later, kids happened later, even death happened later.Twentysomethings like Alex and I had nothing but time.Alex說：“30歲是一個新的20歲”。沒錯，我告訴她“你是對的”。工作還早，結(jié)婚還早，生孩子還早，甚至死亡也早著呢。像Alex和我這樣20多歲的人，什么都沒有但時間多的是。But before long, my supervisor pushed me to push Alex about her love life.I pushed back.I said, “Sure, she's dating down, she's sleeping with a knucklehead, but it's not like she's going to marry the guy.” And then my supervisor said, “Not yet, but she might marry the next one.Besides, the best time to work on Alex's marriage is before she has one.”

但不久之后，我的導(dǎo)師就要我向Alex的感情生活施壓。我反駁說：“當(dāng)然她現(xiàn)在正在和別人交往，她現(xiàn)在和一個傻瓜男生睡覺，但看樣子她不會和他結(jié)婚的。” 而我的導(dǎo)師說：“不著急，她也許會和下一個結(jié)婚。但修復(fù)Alex婚姻的最好時期是她還沒擁有婚姻的時期。” That's what psychologists call an “Aha!” moment.That was the moment I realized, 30 is not the new 20.Yes, people settle down later than they used to, but that didn't make Alex's 20s a developmental downtime.這就是心理學(xué)家說的“頓悟時刻”。正是那個時候我意識到，30歲不是一個新的20歲。的確，和以前的人相比，現(xiàn)在人們更晚才安定下來，但是這不代表Alex就能長期處于20多歲的狀態(tài)。

That made Alex's 20s a developmental sweet spot, and we were sitting there blowing it.That was when I realized that this sort of benign neglect was a real problem, and it had real consequences, not just for Alex and her love life but for the careers and the families and the futures of twentysomethings everywhere.更晚安定下來，應(yīng)該使Alex的20多歲成為發(fā)展的黃金時段，而我們卻坐在那里忽視這個發(fā)展的時機(jī)。從那時起我意識到這種善意的忽視確實(shí)是個問題，它不僅給Alex本身和她的感情生活帶來不良后果，而且影響到處20多歲的人的事業(yè)、家庭和未來。

There are 50 million twentysomethings in the United States right now.We're talking about 15 percent of the population, or 100 percent if you consider that no one's getting through adulthood without going through their 20s first.現(xiàn)在在美國，20多歲的人有五千萬，也就是15%的人口，或者可以說所有人口，因?yàn)樗谐赡耆硕家?jīng)歷他們的20多歲。

Raise your hand if you're in your 20s.I really want to see some twentysomethings here.Oh, yay!Y'all's awesome.If you work with twentysomethings, you love a twentysomething, you're losing sleep over twentysomethings, I want to see — Okay.Awesome, twentysomethings really matter.如果你現(xiàn)在20多歲，請舉手。我很想看到有20多歲的人在這里。哦，很好。如果你和20多歲的人一起工作，你喜歡20多歲的人，你因?yàn)?0多歲的人輾轉(zhuǎn)難眠，我想看到你們。很棒，看來20多歲的人確實(shí)很受重視。

So I specialize in twentysomethings because I believe that every single one of those 50 million twentysomethings deserves to know what psychologists, sociologists, neurologists and fertility specialists already know: that claiming your 20s is one of the simplest, yet most transformative, things you can do for work, for love, for your happiness, maybe even for the world.因此我專門研究20多歲的人，因?yàn)槲覉孕胚@五千萬的20多歲的人，每一個人都應(yīng)該去了解那些心理學(xué)家、社會學(xué)家、神經(jīng)學(xué)家和生育專家已經(jīng)知道的事實(shí)：你的20多歲是極簡單卻極具變化的時期之一。你20多歲的時光決定了你的事業(yè)、愛情、幸福甚至整個世界。

This is not my opinion.These are the facts.We know that 80 percent of life's most defining moments take place by age 35.That means that eight out of 10 of the decisions and experiences and “Aha!” moments that make your life what it is will have happened by your mid-30s.這不是我的看法。這些是事實(shí)。我們知道80%決定你生活的時刻發(fā)生在35歲之前。這就意味著你生活的重要決定、經(jīng)歷和突然的領(lǐng)悟，有八成是在你30多歲之前發(fā)生的。

People who are over 40, don't panic.This crowd is going to be fine, I think.We know that the first 10 years of a career has an exponential impact on how much money you're going to earn.We know that more than half of Americans are married or are living with or dating their future partner by 30.那些超過40歲的朋友不要驚慌，我想這群人會沒事的。我們知道職業(yè)生涯的前10年對你將來的收入有重大影響。我們知道到了30歲的時候，超過半數(shù)的美國人會結(jié)婚或者和未來的另一半同居或者約會。

第二篇：ted演講二十歲光陰不再來筆記

TED演講

30s is not new 20s 二十歲光陰不再來

二十歲是人一生中非常重要的時刻。

事業(yè)發(fā)展的前十年對事業(yè)影響最大，而百分之八十能決定一個人一生的決定都是在30歲中旬做出的。二十歲是大腦發(fā)育的最后時刻，也是塑造性格的最好時期。在此期間打下的基礎(chǔ)，將決定你的事業(yè)、家庭與未來。

開始做那些你想做的事情，做一些增加你個人價值的事情，投資這些身份（who you might want to be: who you are, what your job is）資本使得其最終能成為你身份的資本，成為能寫進(jìn)你簡歷的東西。可以說，這是回報率最高，對你影響最大的投資。

年輕人應(yīng)該探索，但不代表應(yīng)該做無謂的探索。那不叫探索，只能叫拖延。做事情時要有主次觀念，就算空暇時也別浪費(fèi)時間干沒意義的事。與其拿手機(jī)刷微博，不如背幾個單詞。認(rèn)清你的成年期，你已經(jīng)是個成年人了，就該以成年人的標(biāo)準(zhǔn)來要求自己，而不是還當(dāng)自己是一個小孩。機(jī)會成本會隨著年齡的增長而加大，趁年輕干自己真正想干的事情，失敗的成本低，收獲的回報大。利用好弱關(guān)系，認(rèn)真對待周圍無論親疏與否的每一個人，他們都可能會給你提供機(jī)會和幫助。不要害怕求助，人與人之間就是該互助的。慎重選擇你的家人，不要抱著打發(fā)時間的態(tài)度去跟隨便一個人談戀愛，認(rèn)真對待你的對象。

多與不同年齡段的人交往，不要將自己的交際局限于一個小小的圈子之內(nèi)，切忌坐井觀天。不要被你不知道或沒做過的事所限制。你的一生由你決定。

第三篇：TED演講 20歲光陰不再來

When I was in my 20s,I saw my very first psychotherapy(心理診療)client.I was a Ph.D.student in clinical psychology(臨床心理學(xué))at Berkeley.She was a 26-year-old woman named Alex.Now Alex walked into her first session wearing jeans and a big slouchy(寬松的)top,and she dropped onto the couch in my office and kicked off her flats and told me she was there to talk about guy problems.Now when I heard this,I was so relieved.My classmate got an arsonist(縱火犯)for her first client.And I got a twentysomething who wanted to talk about boys.This I thought I could handle.But I didn't handle it.With the funny stories that Alex would bring to session,it was easy for me just to nod my head while we kicked the can down the road.“Thirty's the new 20,”Alex would say,and as far as I could tell,she was right.Work happened later,marriage happened later,kids happened later,even death happened later.Twentysomethings like Alex and I had nothing but time.But before long,my supervisor(導(dǎo)師)pushed me to push Alex about her love life.I pushed back.I said,“Sure,she's dating down,”(她的對象很差勁)she's sleeping with a knucklehead(傻瓜),but it's not like she's going to marry the guy.“And then my supervisor said,”Not yet,but she might marry the next one.Besides,the best time to work on Alex's marriage is before she has one.(結(jié)婚之前)“That's what psychologists call an ”Aha!“moment(頓悟時刻).That was the moment I realized,30 is not the new 20.Yes,people settle down later than they used to,but that didn't make Alex's 20s a developmental downtime.(沒錯，現(xiàn)在人們結(jié)婚的年齡比以前大一些，但這并沒有使Alex的20歲成為發(fā)展的擱淺期。)That made Alex's 20s a developmental sweet spot,and we were sitting there blowing(揮霍)it.That was when I realized that this sort of benign neglect(善意的忽視)was a real problem,and it had real consequences,not just for Alex and her love life but for the careers and the families and the futures of twentysometings everywhere.There are 50 million twentysomethings in the United States right now.We're talking about 15 percent of the population,or 100 percent if you consider that no one's getting through adulthood without going through their 20s first.(都要先經(jīng)歷過他們的20歲才能進(jìn)入成年)If you work with twentysomthings,you love a twentysomething,you're losing sleep over twentysomethings,I want to see----Okay.Awesome,twentysometings really matter.So I specialize in twentysomethings because I believe that every single one of those 50 million twentysomethings deserves to know what psychologists,sociologists,neurologists and fertility specialists already know:that claiming your 20s is one of the simplest,yet most transformative,things you can do for work,for love,for your happiness,maybe even for the world.This is not my opinion.These are the facts.We know that 80 percent of life's most defining moments take place by age 35.That means that eight out of 10 of the decisions and experiences and ”Aha!“moments that make your life what it is will have happened by your mid-30s.We know that the first 10 years of a career has an exponential impact on how much money you're going to earn.We konw that more than half of Americans are married or are living with or dating their future partner by 30.We know that the brain caps off its second and last growth spurt(高峰)in your 20s as it rewires(開啟…模式)itself for adulthood,which means that whatever it is you want to change about yourself,now is the time to change it.we know that personality changes more during your 20s than at any other time in life,and we know that female fertility peaks(生育能力高峰)at age 28,and things get tricky after age 35.So your 20s are the time to educate yourself about your body and your options.So when we think about child development,we all know that the first five years are a critical period for language and attachment in the brain.It's a time when your ordinary,day-to-day life has an inordinate impact on who you will become.But what we hear less about is that there's such a thing as adult development,and our 20s are the critical period of adult development.But this isn't what twentysomethings are hearing.(但是很少有人告訴20多歲的人這些話。)Newspapers talk about the changing timetable of adulthood.Researchers call the 20s an ectended adolescence(青春的延長期).Journalists coin silly nicknames for twentysomethings like ”twixters“(夾在中間者)and ”kidults“（成年孩子）.As a culture,we have trivialized(習(xí)慣忽視)what is actually the defining decade of adulthood.Leonard Bernstein said that to achieve great things,you need a plan and not quit enough time.So what do you think happens when you pat a twentysomething on the head and you say,”You have 10 extra years to start your life“?Nothing happens.You have robbed that person of his urgency and ambition,and absolutely nothing happens.And then every day,smart,interesting twentysomethings like you or like your sons and daughters come into my office and say things like this:”I know my boyfriend's no good for me,but this relationship doesn't count.I'm just killing time.“Or they say,”Everybody says as long as I get started on a career by the time I'm 30,I'll be fine.“But then is starts to sound like this:”My 20s are almost over,and I have nothing to show for myself.I had a better resume the day after I graduated from college.“And then it starts to sound like this:”Dating in my 20s was like musical chairs(搶椅子).Everybody was running around and having fun,but then sometime around 30 it was like the music turned off and everybody started sitting down.I didn't want to be the only one left standing up,so sometimes I think I married my husband,because he was the closest chair to me to 30.“Do not do that.Okay,now that sounds a little flip,but make no mistake,the stakes(風(fēng)險)are very high.When a lot has been pushed to your 30s,there is enormous thirtysomething pressure to jump-start a career,pick a city,partner up(結(jié)婚),and have two or three kids in a much shorter period of time.Many of those things are incompatible(互不相容的),and as research is just starting to show,simply harder and more stressful to do all at once in our 30s.The post-millennial midlife crisis(千禧年后的中年危機(jī))isn't by a red sports car.It's realizing you can't have that career you now want.It's realizing you can't have that child you now want,or you can give your child a sibling(姊妹).Too many thirtysomethings and fortysomethings look at themselves,and at me,sitting across the room and say about their 20s,”What was I doing?What was I thinking?“I want to change what twentysomethings are doing and thinking.Here's a story about how that can go.It's a story about a woman named Emma.At 25,Emma came to my office because she was,in her words,having an identity crisis.She said she thought she might like to work in art or entertainment,but she hadn't decided yet,so she'd spent the last few years waiting tables instead.Because it was cheaper,she lived with a boyfriend who displayed his temper more than his ambition.And as hard as her 20s were,her early life had been even harder.She often cried in our sessions,but then would collect(安慰)herself by saying,“You can't pick your family,but you can pick your friends.”Well one day,Emma comes in,and she hangs her head in her lap,and she sobbed for most of the hour.She'd just bought a new address book,and she'd spend the morning filling in her many contacts,but then she'd been left staring at that empty blank that comes after the words”In case of emergency,please call….“She was nearly hysterical(歇斯底里)when she looked at me and said,“Who's going to be there for me if I get in a car wreck?Who's going to take care of me if I have cancer?”Now in that moment,it took everything I had not to say,”I will.“But what Emma needed wasn't some therapist(心理醫(yī)師)who really,really cared.Emma needed a better life,and I knew this was her chance.I had learned too much since I first worked with Alex to just sit there while Emma's defining decade went parading by.So over the next weeks and months,I told Emma,three things that every twentysomething,male or female,deserves to hear.First,I told Emma to forget about having an identity crisis and get some identity capital(身份資本).By get identity capital,I mean do something that adds value to who you are.Do something that's an investment(投資)in who you might want to be next.I didn't know the future of Emma's career,and no one knows the future of work,but I do know this:Identity capital begets identity capital.(身份資本會成為身份的資本)So now is the time for that cross-country job,that internship,that startup you want to try.I'm not discounting twentysomething exploration here,but I am discounting exploration that's not supposed to count(我是在勸誡你們不要做無謂的探索),which,by the way,is not exploration,That's procrastination(拖延).I told Emma to explore work and make it count.Second,I told Emma that the urban tribe is overrated(不要坐井觀天).Best friends are great for giving rides to the airport,but twentysomethings who huddle together(交往)with like-minded peers limit who they know,what they think,how they speak,and where they work.That new piece of capital,that new person to date almost always comes from outside the inner circle.New things come from what are called our weak ties(新事物來自于我們所謂的弱關(guān)系),our friends of friends of friends.So yes,half of twentysomethings are un-or under-employed.But half aren't,and weak ties are how you get yourself into that group.(弱關(guān)系就是你進(jìn)入那個群體的途徑)Half of new jobs are never posted,so reaching out to your neighbor's boss,is how you get that un-posted job.(有一半的新工作是沒有招聘信息的，所以去問你鄰居的老板，是你得到那個沒有招聘信息的工作的方法。)It's not cheating.It's the science of how information spreads.(這不是走后門，信息就是這樣傳播的)Last but not least,Emma believed that you can't pick your family,but you can pick your friends.Now this was true for her growing up,but as a twentysomething,soon Emma would pick her famile when she partnered with someone and created a family of her own.I told Emma the time to start picking your family is now.Now you may be thinking that 30 is actually a better time to settle down than 20,or even 25,and I agree with you.But grabbing whoever you're living with or sleeping with when everyone on Facebook starts walking down the aisle(婚姻的殿堂)is not progress(是行不通的).The best time to work on your marriage is before you have one,and that means being as intentional with love as you are with work.Picking your family is about consciously(理智地)choosing who and what you want rather than just making it work or killing time with whoever happens to be choosing you.So what happened to Emma?Well.we went through that address book,and she found an old roommate's cousin who worked at an art museum in another state.That weak tie helped her get a job there.That job offer gave her the reason to leave that live-in boyfriend.Now,five years later,she's a special events planner for museums.She's married to a man she mindfully(謹(jǐn)慎地)chose.She loves her new career,she loves her new family,and she sent me a card that said,”Now the emergency contact blanks don't seem big enough."Now Emma's story made that sound easy,but that's what I love about working with twentysomethings.They are so easy to help.Twentysomethings are like airplanes just leaving LAX,bound for somewhere west.Right after takeoff,a slight change in course is the difference between landing in Alaska or Fiji.Likewise,at 21 or 25 or even 29,one good conversation,one good break,one good TED Talk,can have an enormous effect across years and even generations to come.So here's an idea worth spreading to every twentysomething you know.It's as simple as what I learned to say to Alex.It's what I now have the privilege of saying to twentysomethings like Emma every single day:Thirty is not the new 20,so claim your adulthood,get some identity capital,use your weak ties，pick your family.(30歲不是一個新的20歲，所以認(rèn)清你的成年期，獲得一些身份資本，利用你的不那么直接的關(guān)系，選擇你的家人。)Don't be defined by what you didn't know or didn't do.(不要被你不知道的或是沒有做過的事所限制)You're deciding your life right now.

第四篇：TED英語演講稿：二十幾歲不可揮霍的光陰(附翻譯)_1

TED英語演講稿：二十幾歲不可揮霍的光陰（附翻譯）

when i was in my 20s, i saw my very first psychotherapy client.i was a student in clinical psychology at berkeley.she was a 26-year-old woman named alex.now alex walked into her first session wearing jeans and a big slouchy top, and she dropped onto the couch in my office and kicked off her flats and told me she was there to talk about guy problems.now when i heard this, i was so relieved.my classmate got an arsonist for her first client.(laughter)and i got a twentysomething who wanted to talk about boys.this i thought i could handle.but i didn't handle it.with the funny stories that alex would bring to session, it was easy for me just to nod my head while we kicked the can down the road.“thirty's the new 20,” alex would say, and as far as i could tell, she was right.work happened later, marriage happened later, kids happened later, even death happened later.twentysomethings like alex and i had nothing but time.but before long, my supervisor pushed me to push alex about her love life.i pushed back.i said, “sure, she's dating down, she's sleeping with a knucklehead, but it's not like she's going to marry the guy.”

and then my supervisor said, “not yet, but she might marry the next one.besides, the best time to work on alex's marriage is before she has one.”

that's what psychologists call an “aha!” moment.that was the moment i realized, 30 is not the new 20.yes, people settle down later than they used to, but that didn't make alex's 20s a developmental downtime.that made alex's 20s a developmental sweet spot, and we were sitting there blowing it.that was when i realized that this sort of benign neglect was a real problem, and it had real consequences, not just for alex and her love life but for the careers and the families and the futures of twentysomethings everywhere.there are 50 million twentysomethings in the united states right now.we're talking about 15 percent of the population, or 100 percent if you consider that no one's getting through adulthood without going through their 20s first.raise your hand if you're in your 20s.i really want to see some twentysomethings here.oh, yay!y'all's awesome.if you work with twentysomethings, you love a twentysomething, you're losing sleep over twentysomethings, i want to see — okay.awesome, twentysomethings really matter.so i specialize in twentysomethings because i believe that every single one of those 50 million twentysomethings deserves to know what psychologists, sociologists, neurologists and fertility specialists already know: that claiming your 20s is one of the simplest, yet most transformative, things you can do for work, for love, for your happiness, maybe even for the world.this is not my opinion.these are the facts.we know that 80 percent of life's most defining moments take place by age 35.that means that eight out of 10 of the decisions and experiences and “aha!” moments that make your life what it is will have happened by your mid-30s.people who are over 40, don't panic.this crowd is going to be fine, i think.we know that the first 10 years of a career has an exponential impact on how much money you're going to earn.we know that more than half of americans are married or are living with or dating their future partner by 30.we know that the brain caps off its second and last growth spurt in your 20s as it rewires itself for adulthood, which means that whatever it is you want to change about yourself, now is the time to change it.we know that personality changes more during your 20s than at any other time in life, and we know that female fertility peaks at age 28, and things get tricky after age 35.so your 20s are the time to educate yourself about your body and your options.so when we think about child development, we all know that the first five years are a critical period for language and attachment in the brain.it's a time when your ordinary, day-to-day life has an inordinate impact on who you will become.but what we hear less about is that there's such a thing as adult development, and our 20s are that critical period of adult development.but this isn't what twentysomethings are hearing.newspapers talk about the changing timetable of adulthood.researchers call the 20s an extended adolescence.journalists coin silly nicknames for twentysomethings like “twixters” and “kidults.” it's true.as a culture, we have trivialized what is actually the defining decade of adulthood.leonard bernstein said that to achieve great things, you need a plan and not quite enough time.isn't that true? so what do you think happens when you pat a twentysomething on the head and you say, “you have 10 extra years to start your life”? nothing happens.you have robbed that person of his urgency and ambition, and absolutely nothing happens.and then every day, smart, interesting twentysomethings like you or like your sons and daughters come into my office and say things like this: “i know my boyfriend's no good for me, but this relationship doesn't count.i'm just killing time.” or they say, “everybody says as long as i get started on a career by the time i'm 30, i'll be fine.”

but then it starts to sound like this: “my 20s are almost over, and i have nothing to show for myself.i had a better résumé the day after i graduated from college.”

and then it starts to sound like this: “dating in my 20s was like musical chairs.everybody was running around and having fun, but then sometime around 30 it was like the music turned off and everybody started sitting down.i didn't want to be the only one left standing up, so sometimes i think i married my husband because he was the closest chair to me at 30.”

where are the twentysomethings here? do not do that.okay, now that sounds a little flip, but make no mistake, the stakes are very high.when a lot has been pushed to your 30s, there is enormous thirtysomething pressure to jump-start a career, pick a city, partner up, and have two or three kids in a much shorter period of time.many of these things are incompatible, and as research is just starting to show, simply harder and more stressful to do all at once in our 30s.the post-millennial midlife crisis isn't buying a red sports car.it's realizing you can't have that career you now want.it's realizing you can't have that child you now want, or you can't give your child a sibling.too many thirtysomethings and fortysomethings look at themselves, and at me, sitting across the room, and say about their 20s, “what was i doing? what was i thinking?”

i want to change what twentysomethings are doing and thinking.here's a story about how that can go.it's a story about a woman named emma.at 25, emma came to my office because she was, in her words, having an identity crisis.she said she thought she might like to work in art or entertainment, but she hadn't decided yet, so she'd spent the last few years waiting tables instead.because it was cheaper, she lived with a boyfriend who displayed his temper more than his ambition.and as hard as her 20s were, her early life had been even harder.she often cried in our sessions, but then would collect herself by saying, “you can't pick your family, but you can pick your friends.”

well one day, emma comes in and she hangs her head in her lap, and she sobbed for most of the hour.she'd just bought a new address book, and she'd spent the morning filling in her many contacts, but then she'd been left staring at that empty blank that comes after the words “in case of emergency, please call....” she was nearly hysterical when she looked at me and said, “who's going to be there for me if i get in a car wreck? who's going to take care of me if i have cancer?”

now in that moment, it took everything i had not to say, “i will.” but what emma needed wasn't some therapist who really, really cared.emma needed a better life, and i knew this was her chance.i had learned too much since i first worked with alex to just sit there while emma's defining decade went parading by.so over the next weeks and months, i told emma three things that every twentysomething, male or female, deserves to hear.first, i told emma to forget about having an identity crisis and get some identity capital.by get identity capital, i mean do something that adds value to who you are.do something that's an investment in who you might want to be next.i didn't know the future of emma's career, and no one knows the future of work, but i do know this: identity capital begets identity capital.so now is the time for that cross-country job, that internship, that startup you want to try.i'm not discounting twentysomething exploration here, but i am discounting exploration that's not supposed to count, which, by the way, is not exploration.that's procrastination.i told emma to explore work and make it count.second, i told emma that the urban tribe is overrated.best friends are great for giving rides to the airport, but twentysomethings who huddle together with like-minded peers limit who they know, what they know, how they think, how they speak, and where they work.that new piece of capital, that new person to date almost always comes from outside the inner circle.new things come from what are called our weak ties, our friends of friends of friends.so yes, half of twentysomethings are un-or under-employed.but half aren't, and weak ties are how you get yourself into that group.half of new jobs are never posted, so reaching out to your neighbor's boss is how you get that un-posted job.it's not cheating.it's the science of how information spreads.last but not least, emma believed that you can't pick your family, but you can pick your friends.now this was true for her growing up, but as a twentysomething, soon emma would pick her family when she partnered with someone and created a family of her own.i told emma the time to start picking your family is now.now you may be thinking that 30 is actually a better time to settle down than 20, or even 25, and i agree with you.but grabbing whoever you're living with or sleeping with when everyone on facebook starts walking down the aisle is not progress.the best time to work on your marriage is before you have one, and that means being as intentional with love as you are with work.picking your family is about consciously choosing who and what you want rather than just making it work or killing time with whoever happens to be choosing you.so what happened to emma? well, we went through that address book, and she found an old roommate's cousin who worked at an art museum in another state.that weak tie helped her get a job there.that job offer gave her the reason to leave that live-in boyfriend.now, five years later, she's a special events planner for museums.she's married to a man she mindfully chose.she loves her new career, she loves her new family, and she sent me a card that said, “now the emergency contact blanks don't seem big enough.”

now emma's story made that sound easy, but that's what i love about working with twentysomethings.they are so easy to help.twentysomethings are like airplanes just leaving lax, bound for somewhere west.right after takeoff, a slight change in course is the difference between landing in alaska or fiji.likewise, at 21 or 25 or even 29, one good conversation, one good break, one good ted talk, can have an enormous effect across years and even generations to come.so here's an idea worth spreading to every twentysomething you know.it's as simple as what i learned to say to alex.it's what i now have the privilege of saying to twentysomethings like emma every single day: thirty is not the new 20, so claim your adulthood, get some identity capital, use your weak ties, pick your family.don't be defined by what you didn't know or didn't do.you're deciding your life right now.thank you.(applause)

譯文：

記得見我第一位心理咨詢顧客時，我才20多歲。當(dāng)時我是berkeley臨床心理學(xué)在讀博士生。我的第一位顧客是名叫alex的女性，26歲。第一次見面alex穿著牛仔褲和寬松上衣走進(jìn)來，她一下子栽進(jìn)我辦公室的沙發(fā)上，踢掉腳上的平底鞋，跟我說她想談?wù)勀猩膯栴}。

當(dāng)時我聽到這個之后松了一口氣。因?yàn)槲彝瑢W(xué)的第一個顧客是縱火犯，而我的顧客卻是一個20出頭想談?wù)勀猩呐ⅰＮ矣X得我可以搞定。但是我沒有搞定。

alex不斷地講有趣的事情，而我只能簡單地點(diǎn)頭認(rèn)同她所說的，很自然地就陷入了附和的狀態(tài)。alex說：“30歲是一個新的20歲。”沒錯，我告訴她“你是對的”。工作還早，結(jié)婚還早，生孩子還早，甚至死亡也早著呢。像alex和我這樣20多歲的人，什么都沒有但時間多的是。

但不久之后，我的導(dǎo)師就要我向alex的感情生活施壓。我反駁說：“當(dāng)然她現(xiàn)在正在和別人交往，她現(xiàn)在和一個傻瓜男生睡覺，但看樣子她不會和他結(jié)婚的。”而我的導(dǎo)師說：“不著急，她也許會和下一個結(jié)婚。但修復(fù)alex婚姻的最好時期，是她還沒擁有婚姻的時期。”

這就是心理學(xué)家說的“頓悟時刻”。正是那個時候我意識到，30歲不是一個新的20歲。的確，和以前的人相比，現(xiàn)在人們更晚才安定下來，但是這不代表alex就能長期處于20多歲的狀態(tài)。更晚安定下來，應(yīng)該使alex的20多歲成為發(fā)展的黃金時段，而我們卻坐在那里忽視這個發(fā)展的時機(jī)。從那時起我意識到，這種善意的忽視，確實(shí)是個問題，它不僅給alex本身和她的感情生活帶來不良后果，而且影響到處20多歲的人的事業(yè)、家庭和未來。

現(xiàn)在在美國，20多歲的人有五千萬，也就是15%的人口，或者可以說所有人口，因?yàn)樗谐赡耆硕家?jīng)歷他們的20多歲。我專門研究20多歲的人，因?yàn)槲覉孕胚@五千萬的20多歲的人，每一個人都應(yīng)該去了解那些心理學(xué)家、社會學(xué)家、神經(jīng)學(xué)家和生育專家已經(jīng)知道的事實(shí)：你的20多歲是極簡單，卻極具變化的時期之一。你20多歲的時光決定了你的事業(yè)、愛情、幸福甚至整個世界。

這不是我的看法。這些是事實(shí)。我們知道80%決定你生活的時刻發(fā)生在35歲之前。這就意味著你生活的重要決定、經(jīng)歷和突然的領(lǐng)悟，有八成是在你30多歲之前發(fā)生的。那些超過40歲的朋友不要驚慌，我想這群人會沒事的。

我們知道職業(yè)生涯的前XX年，對你將來的收入有重大影響。我們知道到了30歲的時候，超過半數(shù)的美國人會結(jié)婚，或者和未來的另一半同居或者約會。我們知道人在20多歲的時候，大腦停止第二次也是最后一次重組，以適應(yīng)成年世界的快速發(fā)育階段。這就意味著不管你想怎樣改變自己，現(xiàn)在是時間改變了。

我們知道在20多歲的時候，性格的改變多于生命中任何時期。我們也知道女性的最佳生育時期，在28歲的時候達(dá)到頂峰，35歲之后生育變得困難。所以你的20多歲正是了解你自身和選擇的時期。

當(dāng)我們想到孩童的成長時，我們都知道1-5歲，是大腦學(xué)習(xí)語言和感知的重要時期。這個時期，日常的普通生活，都會對你的未來道路影響巨大。但是我們卻很少聽到成年發(fā)展期，而我們的20多歲正是成年發(fā)展期的關(guān)鍵。

但是20多歲的人卻聽不到這些，報紙討論的只是成年年齡界線的變更。研究者稱20多歲是延長的青春期。記者就引用傻傻的外號稱呼20多歲的人，比如“twixters”(twenty-mixters)和“kidults”(kid-adults)。這是真的。作為一種文化，我們的忽視的正是對成年起到?jīng)Q定性作用的十年(從20歲到30歲)。

雷昂納德·伯恩斯坦說過：要想取得成就，你需要一個計劃和緊迫的時間。這是大實(shí)話啊!所以當(dāng)你拍著一個20多歲的人的腦袋，跟他說，“你有額外的XX年去開始你的生活”，你覺得這改變了什么?什么都沒改變。你只是奪走了那個人的緊迫感和雄心壯志，絕對沒有改變什么。

然后每天，那些聰明有趣的20多歲的人，就像你們和你們的兒子女兒一樣，走入我的辦公室開始說：“我知道我的男朋友對我不夠好，但是我們的關(guān)系不算數(shù)。我只是在消磨時光而已。”或者說“每個人都告訴我，只要能在30歲的時候開始我的事業(yè)，這就足夠了。”

但是實(shí)際聽上去卻是：“我馬上就要三十了，卻根本就沒有東西展示。我只是在大學(xué)畢業(yè)時，有過一份最漂亮的簡歷。”或是這樣：“我20多歲時的約會，就像找凳子。每個人都繞著凳子跑，隨便玩一玩，但是快30的時候，就像音樂停止了，所有人開始坐下。我不想成為那唯一站著的人，所以有時候我會想我和我丈夫之所以會結(jié)婚，是因?yàn)樵谖?0歲的時候，他是當(dāng)時離我最近的那張凳子。”

20多歲的人吶，千萬不要這樣做。這個做法聽起來有點(diǎn)輕率，但是不要犯錯，因?yàn)轱L(fēng)險很高。當(dāng)很多事都被擠到你30多歲的時候，就會有巨大壓力，在很短的時間內(nèi)快速啟動一項(xiàng)事業(yè)，挑一個城市，找到伴侶，生兩三個孩子。這些事大多是不能同時完成的，正如研究表明，在30歲的時候，要想工作、生活一步到位，難度很高，壓力很大。

千禧年后的中年危機(jī)并不是一輛紅色跑車。而是意識到你不能擁有你想擁有的事業(yè)，意識到你不能擁有你想要的孩子，或者給你的孩子添個兄弟姐妹。太多30多歲40多歲的人，看看他們自己，看看我，坐在屋子里談?wù)撟约旱?0多歲，“我當(dāng)時都干么了?我當(dāng)時都想啥了?”我想改變現(xiàn)在20多歲人的所思所為。

這里我想講個故事說明問題。這個故事是關(guān)于名叫emma一個女人。她25歲的時候，走入我的辦公室，因?yàn)橛盟约旱脑捳f，她有自我認(rèn)識危機(jī)。她說她也許想從事關(guān)于藝術(shù)或者娛樂的工作，但是她還沒決定。所以取而代之的是，她花了過去幾年的時間當(dāng)服務(wù)員。為了減少開銷，她和她的男朋友同居，一個脾氣暴躁而無志向的人。

正如她悲慘的20多歲，她早年的生活更加悲慘。她經(jīng)常在談話過程中哭泣，努力鎮(zhèn)定下來后說“你沒辦法選擇你的家庭，但是你可以選擇你的朋友。”有一天，emma走進(jìn)來，她雙手抱頭于膝蓋，然后抽泣了幾乎一個小時。她剛買了一個新的通訊錄本子，然后花了一整個早上的時間，填寫她的聯(lián)系人信息。當(dāng)她填到“萬一發(fā)生緊急情況，請聯(lián)系…”的時候，她沒有任何人可填。

她幾乎崩潰地看著我并說，“如果我被車撞了，誰會在那里?假如我得癌癥了，誰會在那里?”在那種情況下，我花了好大力氣才忍住說“我會。”emma所需要的，并不是理療師所真正關(guān)心的。她需要一個更好的生活，我知道這是她的機(jī)會。自alex開始，我從這份工作上學(xué)到了很多，不能只是坐在那里看著emma十年黃金定型期白白消逝。所以接下去的幾個星期幾個月，我告訴emma三件事，所有20多歲的男生女生都值得聽一聽。

首先，我告訴emma忘掉她的自我認(rèn)識危機(jī)，去獲得一些身份認(rèn)定的資本。

身份資本是指做增加自我價值的事。為自己下一步想成為的樣子，做一些事一些投資。我不知道emma的工作將來是什么樣的，也沒人知道將來的工作是什么樣的，但是我知道：身份資本會創(chuàng)造出更多身份資本。

現(xiàn)在是時候去嘗試你想要的海外工作、實(shí)習(xí)或者新起點(diǎn)。我不是輕視20多歲的自我探索，而是輕視那些隨便玩玩無所謂的探索，或者從某種意義上說那不是探索。那是拖沓!我告訴emma去探索工作，讓她的探索有所回報。

第二，我告訴emma不要高估自己的朋友圈。

好朋友會載你去機(jī)場，而和“志同道合的朋友”瞎混的20多歲的人，他們的交際圈、知識面、思維方式、說話方式和工作層面都被限制住了。新的資本或者新的約會對象，往往是從內(nèi)部交際圈之外來的。新的事情來自我們所謂的“遠(yuǎn)的關(guān)系”，我們朋友的朋友的朋友。

沒錯，半數(shù)20多歲的人，處在失業(yè)和半失業(yè)的狀態(tài)。但是另外一半的人卻不是這樣的，“遠(yuǎn)的關(guān)系”正是你融入一個新的群體的紐帶。有半數(shù)的新工作從來不公示出來，所以聯(lián)絡(luò)你鄰居的老板，是你找到那些未公示工作的方式。這不叫作弊，這是信息傳播的科學(xué)方式。

最后一點(diǎn)也很重要，emma相信你無法選擇你的家庭，但是你可以選擇你的朋友。可這只是她成長時期的狀況。

作為一個20多歲的人，emma很快會與某人為伴組建她自己的新家庭。我告訴emma現(xiàn)在就是你選擇你家庭的時候。現(xiàn)在你也許會想相比于20歲，25歲或30歲時組建家庭會更好。我同意你的看法。但是當(dāng)你facebook上的朋友，都開始步入婚姻殿堂時，你隨便抓一個人一起生活、睡覺，絕對不是組建家庭的過程。

經(jīng)營你婚姻的最佳時間，是你還沒結(jié)婚的時候，這意味要像你為了工作一樣精心謀劃。選擇你的家庭，是有意識地去選擇你想要的人和事，而不是為了結(jié)婚或者消磨時光，任意選擇一個正好選擇你的人。

emma發(fā)生了什么變化呢?

我們翻了一遍通訊錄，她發(fā)現(xiàn)她原來的舍友的表妹，在另一個州的一家藝術(shù)博物館工作。這層遠(yuǎn)關(guān)系幫助她在那里得到一份工作。這份工作給她一個理由離開她那同居的男友。現(xiàn)在五年過去了，她是一名博物館特別活動策劃者。她和一個她用心選擇的男人結(jié)婚了。她愛她的事業(yè)，她愛她的新家，她寄給我一張賀卡寫道，“現(xiàn)在緊急聯(lián)系欄似乎不夠填呢。”

emma的故事聽起來簡單，這正是為什么我愛和20多歲人打交道。幫助20多歲的人很容易。20多歲就像離開洛杉磯飛往西部某處的飛機(jī)，起飛之后，一點(diǎn)小小變化，都會影響到它最終將降落在阿拉斯加還是斐濟(jì)。

同理，在你21歲，25歲甚至29歲的時候，一次好的談話、好的休息、好的ted演講，能在未來的幾年甚至幾代人的時間里，帶來巨大的影響。因此這個想法值得傳達(dá)給每一個你所認(rèn)識的20多歲人。這想法就像我后來告訴alex的話一樣簡單。

我每天都對像emma這樣的20多歲的人說：30歲不是一個新的20歲，所以規(guī)劃好你的成年生活，獲得一些身份認(rèn)同資本，利用你的遠(yuǎn)關(guān)系，選擇你的家庭。不要被你所不知道的，從未做過的事所禁錮。你現(xiàn)在的作為決定著你的人生。

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