第一篇：公司晚會搞笑小品劇本-荊柯刺秦

公司晚會搞笑小品劇本-荊柯刺秦

注：昨天在公司的晚宴上，我們8個新員工表演了這個小品。雖然只排練了3、4次，一共才3天，但是最后效果很不錯。是公司晚宴上得到掌聲最多的的節目了。呵呵。

特別是扮演太監的那位兄弟，學得非常之像，贏來陣陣掌聲。。最后還被大家選為最佳男演員！呵呵

所以特地將臺詞貼出來獻給大家，首先聲明：臺詞來自一個兄弟，最初可能來自網絡，經過我們的改編而成！

最后說一下，本人演的是武士的角色。呵呵

劇本：

太監：陛下，駕到。好范文版權所有

音樂《包青天》前奏起

秦始皇與太監出場

秦始皇：（邊跳邊唱）秦朝有個秦始皇！統一天下正朝綱！不怕太陽曬，不怕風兒吹，只怕那此刺客來刺我。我可怎么辦那？哎。。。（坐下）

武士：（出場）報～～～～～～

秦始皇：報什么報。

武士：（唱《抱一抱》）抱一抱，那個抱一抱，報告陛下，外面有人找。

秦始皇：誰？

武士：此人自稱無名，說是帶來刺客的首級獻給陛下。

秦始皇：此話當真？

武士：yessir！

秦始皇：快快宣上。

太監：宣無名上殿。

（無名踩臺步而上，擺pose亮相后走與秦始皇面前與之握手）

無名：nicetomeetyou！

秦始皇：nicetomeetyoutoo！

（無名欲與秦始皇擁抱）

太監：休得無禮！（一把將他們推開）

無名：（做單腿跪狀）叩見陛下！

秦始皇：免禮！無名，我來問你。

太監：陛下，君主一般不稱我，稱寡人。

秦始皇：哦，對了，我怎么把這茬子事給忘了。無名，寡。。寡婦問你。

太監：不是寡婦，是寡人。

秦始皇：（一腳把太監蹬倒在地）多嘴。無名，寡人問你，你當真帶來了刺客的首級？

無名：嗨！

太監：不可能，你拿出證據來。

秦始皇：可有人證？

武士：臣可以作證。

太監：反對，反對對方辨友收買我方選手作偽證。

秦始皇：反對無效！武士，快快講來！

武士：刺客首級已送往廚房。

秦始皇：好，無名，快與寡人講講事情的始末。

無名：是，陛下。當年我們被招組成刺秦四人幫，分別是長空，殘劍，飛雪及臣（運動員進行曲，貓步一一入場），人稱（四人齊喊）f4!

四人上場做看流星狀?！读餍怯辍繁尘耙魳菲?，唱《流星雨》然后退場

無名：然而他們不知道，其實我是忠心于陛下您的。臣實為臥底。一日，臣與長空獨處。

長空上

長空：（酷酷的仰望天空）遠看月亮真圓啊，有時它也不是很圓，為何現在這么圓，因為它本來就圓。

幻無名：好詩啊好詩！長空兄為何如此感嘆！

長空：唉，在下一想到刺秦之夢想還未成達成就感慨萬千，詩性大發。啊，大海啊，全是水；駿馬，四條腿！

幻無名：于是臣準備殺掉長空，臣使出臣的獨門功夫――第八套廣播體操第一節！

（音樂廣播體操起，幻無名做“伸展運動”，殺掉長空）

長空：你你你～～～（倒地）

（無間道音樂起）

幻無名：對不起，我是臥底。

殘劍：（殘劍上，抽劍指著無名）你，你是臥底。

飛雪：（飛雪上）你們為何要自相殘殺？

幻無名，殘劍：他是臥底！

飛雪：到底誰是臥底？

幻無名，殘劍：他！

飛雪：別吵。按老規矩。

（無名與殘劍相互靠近，隔空一吻?。?/p>

殘劍：對不起，我倆惺惺相吸，情不自禁！

（殘劍和無名繞圈，然后劃拳）

幻無名，殘劍：（唱）兩只小蜜蜂啊，飛到花叢中啊，飛啊，飛啊

秦始皇：stop！最后誰贏了？

無名：哈哈，正是臣，因為殘劍那個傻瓜只會出剪刀。（殘劍舉起剪刀，做“耶”狀）

秦始皇：后來呢？

（《后來》音樂起）

飛雪：殘劍，原來你是臥底（飛雪一劍刺向殘劍，殘劍躲閃不及），你為什么不還手？

殘劍：因為，因為，你刺得太快了！（倒地）

如月：主人！

秦始皇：咔咔！此人是誰?

無名：此人正是殘劍的貼身丫鬟。

秦始皇：哦，那這個丫鬟是個女的吧？

無名：陛下果然聰慧過人，英明神武！

如月：主人，我來替你報仇?。ㄒ粍Υ趟里w雪）

無名：然后臣拔劍殺掉如月?。ㄈ缭麓蠛鞍〉沟兀┚瓦@樣講刺客全部一一殲滅。哈哈哈！

秦始皇：哈哈哈～～～無名，你在欺騙寡人！

無名：陛下何出此言？

第二篇：荊柯刺秦小品劇本暫定

場白a：ladies and gentleman,女士們先生們，歡迎收看廣外mba11c班全力推出的第一古裝魔幻苦情戲——刺——秦

場白b：故事發生在東周末年，秦國一家勢大，已經嚴重威脅各國生存，在這個經濟即將崩潰，人民水深火熱的黑暗時刻，一個英雄誕生了！

荊軻出場，（音樂，演唱，和觀眾互動）

第一種，暗殺

路人abc出場（ab為男士，c為女士）

路人a在做早操：1234，5678，2234，5678

荊軻偷偷來到路人a身后，舉起匕首，大喊一聲：呀

路人a跳起，假裝害怕：“啊”，然后手指指向觀眾席“...那邊”

荊軻望向觀眾席，路人A乘機把荊軻的手和匕首刺向荊軻胸膛

路人a繼續“3234，5678”，荊軻呆在原場，路人甲離場

荊軻：第二種，明殺（面向路人b）

路人b：你想干什么？

荊軻：殺了你

路人b：就憑你？

荊軻：廢話少說，看招

路人2一拍手掌擺好姿勢：“來”，然后把右手對準荊軻的頭

荊軻向路人2的手掌沖過去，但被擋住頭

荊軻用力：“丫丫丫丫丫丫”，發覺過不了，停止無用功，左手揮了揮：“過過過過過過” 路人b做了一個鄙視的動作，荊軻呆在原場，路人b退場。

荊軻：第三種，秒殺

路人c開始沐浴：左左洗洗皮膚很好，右右擦擦皮膚更好，厄呃

荊軻偷偷向左一閃，假裝用手中匕首在窗戶上畫了一個圓，然后打開一扇門，正好看見路人c在沐浴

路人c:你想怎么樣，胸部挺一挺

荊軻看著，頭猛地往上一挺，然后“呃”，倒下

c退場

荊軻站起，面向觀眾：第四種，也是我最贊成的，等一下告訴你們啊——（退場換黑衣服）場白a：于是，荊軻帶著禮物來到秦宮，準備刺秦

場白b：and then ,mr jing go qinggong with the gift，and be ready to ciqin 趙高、李斯登場

李斯：啊呸，這場的翻譯夠爛的趙高尖聲：宣荊軻上殿

荊軻登場，拜見兩位大人

李斯：在見秦王前得問你一個問題

荊軻：問吧

李斯：（唱）哎，什么山它最有名哎，（合）哎哎嗨吆，什么地方真不錯哎，（合）哎哎嗨吆，什么人他真厲害呀，開的是個什么車哎？

荊軻手舞足蹈：哎，白云山它最有名哎，哎哎嗨吆，山下廣外真不錯哎，（合）哎哎嗨吆，廣外有個孫主任哎，開著奧迪辦MBA。（合）學校有個孫主任哎，開著奧迪辦MBA 趙高：牛！第二題，你知道jk羅琳寫的七本哈利波特的小說可以連成一句話嗎？ 荊軻雙手叉腰：哈哈哈哈哈，哈哈

趙高在旁邊數手指

李斯：厲害，請

荊軻興沖沖地就要往里走，趙高卻尖聲道：入殿前需得搜身。

趙高疑問：你不是來殺秦王的？

荊軻唱豫劇選段，李斯對著趙高：真的不像殺手啊，至于你信不信，反正我是信了

秦王上殿，音樂起

場白a：這就是秦王嬴政，本戲的第二男主角，以后一統天下的重量級人物，他出場了，秦王出場，一邊打電話一邊向觀眾揮手致意

場白b：哎，他長得好像一個電影明星耶...秦王握緊拳頭：王力宏，王力宏

場白a：曾?志偉

荊軻跪下：參見陛下

嬴政：算啦，免禮

秦王：（嚴厲）荊軻，你臉怎么黃了？

荊軻面對觀眾：防冷涂的蠟。

秦王：怎么又紅了?

荊軻：精神煥發！

秦王：荊軻，你不是一直想刺殺朕嗎？

荊軻：陛下，刺殺只是小伎倆。不殺，才是王道，是以大胸懷包容天下，那便是和平。一個人的痛苦，與天下人比便不再是痛苦；我與你的仇恨，放到天下也不再是仇恨

李斯動情狀：太帥了

趙高動情狀：太牛了

秦王豎起大拇指：太有型了，荊軻上前：陛下，你看我給你帶來了什么。

荊軻繼續遞上禮物——卷軸

秦王：??？？這是，這是2012廣外錄取通知書（面向荊軻），哎呀，我盼這東西已經很久啦，這么寶貴的禮物，這怎么好意思？

荊軻：We two who and who！

秦王呆?。簆a?pardon？

荊軻：We too who and who！咱兩誰跟誰！

秦王：咳，那廣外學費貴嗎？

荊軻：陛下您要是上的話，不貴，10萬兩黃金

秦王捂著胸口痛苦狀：10萬兩黃金？，那你還是把我刺殺了吧。

荊軻拿起秦王手機，走到一邊，打電話：ok,ok,ook,ok,ok,ook!

荊軻對秦王：陛下，我剛才請示了一下你們三人齊上，學費可以優惠8.8折

秦王：好好好！8萬8，卡卡就是發，咱們一起上。

秦王高興：哎呀，只要花8萬8，我就是高級ceo了

李斯高興：哎呀, 只要花8萬8，我就是高級打雜了

趙高難過：哎呀，花8萬8，我就是高級太監了

場白：荊軻刺秦的故事就到樂這里。故事還要繼續下去。過了一天又一天，一年又一年。3年后秦王統一了天下。他們中出現了高級CEO。高級打雜的。高級太監。（走秀上場）總之是11C班出來的都是高級的。全場演員謝幕（全劇終）

第三篇：小品劇本:荊柯刺秦前傳(搞笑版)

劇中人物：秦王、趙高、李斯斯,荊柯、孟姜女、武士

地點：皇宮大殿

時間：公元前228年xiexiebang.com-http://www.tmdps.cn/一上來，暗場，站坐有模樣：風風，大風，大風，風風，大風，大風，吹，吹得

腦瓜疼。

光起，皇上搖電話，有層次地喊：喂（表情很擰），喂（看看旁邊的兩人）

喂?。ㄐ沟桌铮?/p>

另三人都接電話：喂，是！嗨！

皇上拍腿（沒人理）其他還在繼續說我現在挺忙的皇上又拍氣憤地大喊還上不上朝了

兩人小賤樣皇上武士還在傻笑接電話

李斯斯一腳踹過去武士立馬擺提刀的動作一副很有架子的樣子

武士：有，有本。。早。。奏無本退，退，退，朝。。（像女生般撒嬌地說）

武士：誒，誒，（可帶手勢）對（結巴音）

李的手機響

皇上：哎呀！呀呀呀呀呀呀！

趙：一大白臉貼近皇上皇上你牙疼??？()

皇上：你才牙疼呢！

李：原詞在紙張

皇：一驚訝的樣子夸張的跳上凳子啥？？又來了？wenmi114.com那我讓你們修建的萬里長城進展怎么樣了？

武士在玩手機李又上前去踹了他一腳

武士一正步上前匯報：啟稟大王，一個月前已經修好了四百公里。

皇上：怎么四百公里？我不是讓你修八百里嗎？

武士：對啊，是四百公里?。。òl嗲）

皇上：八百里！（孩子氣地喊）

武士：四百公里！

皇上：八百里?。ǎ?/p>

武士：四百公里！

趙：皇上，他耍你呢?。ê苜\地說）

皇上：哦?。ɑ腥淮笪颍┠氵^來！（扯弓箭大聲喊）

武士：啊，不~~~

皇上趕緊給包工頭打電話催進度

趙李二人同時說：皇上他們欠費了

皇上：欠費？不是讓你給他們送充值卡了嗎？卡呢？！

趙李送了啊

皇上：送了？都送給你們的小相好了嗎

趙李：沒有~~

皇上：瞧你們這樣兵熊熊一個將熊熊一窩

趙：皇上息怒！我發明了一個新物件

皇上：什么東西？

趙：這個新物件，既能達到通訊效果，又能一分錢不花！

兩人共唱：兩個小娃娃呀一起打電話呀喂喂喂你在哪里呀啊啊啊我在商場啊

皇上：好東西！叫什么名字啊

趙：線話

皇上：記你一大功，馬上大批量生產！以供軍用和建筑。

武士手機又響

皇上：哎呀！呀呀呀呀

趙：皇上你又牙疼啊？

皇上：去去去！

武士：此時上前稟報！（原詞）

李：哦，那正好。?。磕遣蝗o我哭倒了嗎？那個女的呢？

武士：已經抓來了，請大王發落。

皇上：把那個女的給我帶上來。

趙李：傳孟姜女的上殿！

大長今的音樂 衣服（韓國舞武士在她后面美滋滋地跟著她幫她托紗裙）

孟姜女唱：呼啦啦呼啦啦呼啦啦拉。。

皇上起初很美地跟著打拍子，忽然一下覺得不對，大喊一聲：別‘啦’啦！

武士：皇上，就是她！

孟姜女：（忽然從懷里掏出筷子，敲節奏）小女我自幼很善良，嫁了個男人叫萬喜良，三天前我倆入了洞房，我那苦命的萬郎被抓去修了破城墻，不知是誰造的謠，說要想使長城萬壽無疆，就必須在他腳下埋上萬郎?？蓱z我孤苦的孟姜女，可悲我那慘死的萬喜良，要想知道罪魁禍首他是誰呀他是誰（眾人也問：他是誰呀他是誰？）他就是那個豬狗雞鴨蛤蟆蟑螂都不如的臭大王，臭大王！

（其他人跟著節奏伸脖子）

孟姜女說完，武士忽然大喊一聲：好?。ê鋈灰庾R到不對又說）好你個大膽的孟姜女，敢罵皇上！

孟：就罵就罵我就罵，暴君暴君暴君君。（做鄙視的手勢）

趙：還罵！

李：罵一句得了！

皇上：也！她鄙視我，她個孟姜女，把我的長城哭倒了，她還這么囂張，（跟旁邊的人說，然后掏家伙，兩人立馬拉著他）我，我，我要剁了你?。ɑ噬霞樱┡赃吚罾蛔?。

武士：稟告皇上~~~，包工頭荊柯求見！

皇上：啥？荊柯，帶上來！

武士：是！

荊柯上場，一沖上來大板跪，染著頭發，穿戴時髦還戴金器，非常自我陶醉耳朵唱：求求你給我個機會，別再對工錢說無所謂！已經拖欠這么久，你的錢到底給不給?。〝[生活用品牙刷牙膏什么的還梳頭黑社會老大似的）

皇上：你。。？

荊柯：（非常土匪氣地用東北話說）我跟你說啊，今天要不給錢噢，今天我就不走了噢！（拿鬧鐘看時間調時間）我睡會噢！

武士：（忽然間嬌嗔）你好有男人味噢！

荊柯：滾！

皇上：呀！（對著旁邊兩人）然后低頭掏家伙！

兩人扒倒皇上（皇上摔到椅子下四仰八叉），然后一起掏家伙

趙李兩人：走到皇上前面擋住皇上，掏菜刀和砍刀。

皇上爬起來說：不

要亂！

荊柯：給我工錢

孟姜女：還我丈夫

（四遍停頓一下皇上在中間裝可愛打拍子忽然意識到不對大喊停！眾人呆住皇上大喊要錢?。?/p>

（秧歌四步走）

荊柯：給我丈夫

孟姜女：還我工錢

旁邊的人配合唱RAP調

皇上把趙李兩人手上的刀搶過來，自己拿著，大喊：給我起來！

孟姜女冷不叮

給皇上一刀，皇上問：這是什么？

孟姜女：刀啊秋水一般的寶刀啊

皇上：他敢捅我？忽然歪倒在地！

荊柯走近皇上，呀他死（SHI）了把一按彈一下

孟大喊一聲：呀！荊柯刺秦啦！

大家都湊近說你倆過來補兩刀互相放電趙李站起來拉著手荊柯刺秦啦

武士：啊，他刺秦啦！然后跑走

起音樂

第四篇：荊柯刺秦英語劇本

一、Emperor and the Assassin 荊珂刺秦王搞笑英語話劇劇本 旁白(Aside)/介紹（Introduction）： Long ago there was a crazy country, in this crazy country there were some crazy people, trying to show the crazy history by crazy ways.Mr Jingke was the most famous sWordsman and was sent to kill king of Qing, “Yingzheng”.But finally he failed.Do you want to know what happened at that time? Okay, next show will tell you the truth.Action I

太子丹（上，掏出鏡子梳頭，做自戀狀）：Mirror, mirror, tell me, who is the most pretty man in the world?(畫外音：It’s you, Prince Dan!太子丹高興狀)Thank u mirror!（面對觀眾）I’m Prince Dan, the magic mirror said I am the most attractive man in the world.But Ying Zheng is a jealous guy, I feel he will kill me if mirror told him the truth.I am so scared.So what can I do?(向幕里大叫)Where is my minister? 阿三(畢恭畢敬): Honey, I am coming.太子丹：I’ve told you again and again that you should call me “my most beautiful、graceful、handsome、charming、cute、smart and dearest Prince Dan”!阿三：Sure, honey!I have a good idea.We can find a hero to kill YingZheng~~~（作殺狀）太子：Oh yeah~~~.What is the most expensive commodity in this century? Talent!（二十一世紀最需要的是什么，人才！這句話要跟觀眾交流，最好由觀眾來回答，然后拍阿三肩膀，做贊許狀）Good idea!But who is the right candidate? 阿三：After screening I have two promising persons on hand.One is Miss LiMoChou, the other is Mr JinKe.Tomorrow they will PK for the NO1 killer of the world.太子：Well, show me the winner as soon as possible, OK? 阿三：Yes.Action II（《十面埋伏》中劉德華&金成武決斗時的音樂）荊軻

Are you Li mochou? 李莫愁 Yes.荊軻

OK.I’m Jingke, you know, I will let you know I am the king of the killers’ world.李莫愁

Are you challenging me? 荊軻

Off course!聳聳肩表示同意 李莫愁 Come on!音樂起

兩人沖上前來

“人在江湖漂啊，哪有不挨刀啊，一刀砍死你啊，兩刀砍死你啊。?！?/p>

李莫愁倒地 荊軻大笑

李莫愁痛苦狀：What happened? Why aren’t you hurt? 荊軻: We don't need any reason to win a person.Don't we? Do we?（贏一個人需要理由么，不需要么，需要么？）

李莫愁：Momma always said: “Life is like a box of chocolates, Mochou.You never know what you're gonna get.” I got it, Momma is right.荊軻再次大笑

太子丹上（抱拳）：How are you? 荊柯：Fine, thank you, and you? 太子丹：Oh my God!Could you give me an innovative answer to “How are you”? 荊柯：Sure!太子丹：How are you? 荊柯：Fine, thank you, and your wife? 太子丹暈倒

荊柯：Hey, man, I’m kidding!太子丹：Oh, I’m kidding too!（畢恭畢敬）May I have your name card, please? 荊軻從兜里掏出一卷紙，上面寫著：

To be or not to be, that's a question.阿三：Hero，we need your help.荊柯：I am busy now!太子丹：You can get a lot of money.荊柯：I am very busy now!阿三：IC, ID, IQ card? 荊柯：I am very very busy now!阿三(手指上場的美女，激動狀): Look!She is the most beautiful girl in the world.If you say O.K., she is yours.荊柯（流口水）：I have to say she is a very sexy and beautiful girl, but TCM is my only love!阿三：What? What’s the TCM? 荊柯;Hey, guy!You look so smart but why you didn’t know TCM? Any of them can give you the answer.阿三：Excuse me? What’s the TCM? 觀眾甲：TCM-Traditional Chinese MM.太子丹：I must show you the trump card.Ladies and gentlemen, this is Lipton Slimming tea.It is a brand new product of Unilever China.荊柯（激動）：Slimming tea!I have dreamed of it for thousands of times.My wife always threatens to leave me if I couldn’t reduce my weight.阿三：You want? Speak up if you want!Why do you keep silent? Why are you looking at me? Although your eyes are full of sincerity, I’m very glad, you still have to speak up.Take it!Do you really like? Really?你不是真的想要吧？難道你真的想要嗎??（《No matter》音樂起，荊軻先與阿三跳探戈，擁入懷中，又甩出去，阿三做嘔吐狀。然后荊軻與太子丹跳倫巴，最后太子丹擺一個女性化的造型，向后彎腰并抬其中一條腿，荊軻做調戲狀。）荊柯(誠懇狀)Just tell me what should I do? I will do anything for you.太子丹與阿三（撞胯，擊掌）Yeah!

Action Ш（《大話西游》主題曲響起）

荊珂挽著妻子，太子丹,阿三在后.阿三：Hero, we have already reached Yishui River.荊珂：Just stop here, please.Farewell, my friends 太子丹：I will miss you, baby.（太子丹，阿三下。停頓?！短┨鼓峥颂枴分黝}曲起，荊軻與妻子做Jack和rose在船頭的經典造型，忽然荊軻看到一個美女——此時一個中國古典美女經過，向荊軻拋媚眼，并拋下定情手絹。荊軻高興的盯著美女看，妻子發覺不對，扭過頭來。）荊珂（急忙收斂）：Darling, I love you.妻子：I love you!You mean more to me than anything in this whole world!（《肖申克的救贖》）荊珂(流淚)：I love you more.In spite of you and me and the whole silly world going to pieces around us, I love you.(哪怕是世界末日我都會愛著你，選自《飄》)妻子：Well.Be a man, just do it!I will be right here waiting for you.荊珂（欲走還留，執子之手又曰）：Sweetheart!You must do me this honor...promise me you will survive...that you will never give up...no matter what happens...no matter how hopeless...promise me now, and never let go of that promise（泰坦尼克號沉船時，Jack對Rose的傾訴）.妻子:“I promise.” 荊軻:“Never let go.“

妻子:”I promise.I will never let go, Jack.I'll never let go.“（荊軻的發音和jack很像，所以加了一些《泰坦尼克號》的臺詞。）妻子努力擠出幾滴眼淚，荊珂上船，漸漸遠去

妻子：It’s a good day to die.Never come back.Never?? Never??

妻子(掏出手機撥號，阿三接手機)： Thank you very much.As soon as I get the life assurance $1000, 000, I will transfer half of it, $500,000 to your account.阿三：Okay okay!旁白：Then Jingke was sent to Qin and finally killed by Yingzheng.The End

二、7人英語話劇劇本-Net Friend,互聯網交友

Is it correct to make friends on the Internet? Will it be dangerous? Bill, Hillary's younger brother, is a rude and impolite boy.Everyone in his school doesn't like him.However, he really wants to have a girlfriend, so he asks his sister to help him.Then Hillary pretended to be Bill on net and met a nice girl, Monica.Three months later, Hillary asked Monica to go out with ”Bill“(Her brother), and arranged everything for them.When they met each other at McDonald's, Monica found that Bill wasn't the one who she talked to on net.Then...Finally, Monica understands that it's very dangerous to date with strangers and trusts everything of which her net-friend told her.And we all should be very careful when we're on net.Scene I

(In school cafeteria, students are having lunch)

Bill: Hey, Jessie.(He pushed her shoulder very rudely)Can I join you?(Jessie didn't say a Word, and Bill just sat down)

Bill: Wow!Wow!Wow!You are wearing a nice dress today!Jessie: Thanks!

Bill: Oh!What a beautiful hair clip.Where did you buy it?(Jessie didn't say anything..)

Bill: Hey, you have a nice watch.(He held her hand strongly and Jessie got angry.)

Jessie: Don't touch me!I don't want to talk to you.Leave me alone!(Bill stood up and walked toward Carol.Bill sat down beside Carol without asking her)

Bill: Hey, beautiful!How could you eat so little!It's not good for your health!Take this!(Bill wanted Carol to eat his food)

Carol: No.Bill: Take it!(He was very rude and the plate fell down.)Carol: Hey!What are you doing!This is my new skirt!Bill: I'm sorry!

Carol: Go away!You're such a rude guy!(Carol went away.)

Bill: Did I do something wrong?(He talked to himself)

Scene II

(In Hillary's room.Hillary was surfing the net)

Bill: Sis....Bill: Hillary!

Hillary: Oh!Hi!Bill!How long have you been sitting there? Are you trying to scare me?(Bill didn't say a Word.)

Hillary: Bill? What's wrong with you? What happened?

Bill: I tried to draw some girls' attention but they just ignored me!Hillary: Hmm....Maybe the way you used was wrong.Bill: Yeah, maybe.But I don't know how to attract them.Hillary, I just want to have a girlfriend? Hillary: Girlfriend? Bill: Yeah.Hillary: Let me see what I can do.Bill: So, can you help me?

Hillary: Ok!Since you really want to have a girlfriend, I'll try to help you.Bill: Great!Thank you!You are a doll!

(At this moment, Hillary's net-friend is calling her.)

Hillary: Oh..My net-friend!

Bill: Ok!Waiting for your good news!

(Bill left Hillary's room and Hillary was thinking how she helped Bill.)

Hillary: Yeah!That's it!I can pretend to be Bill and find a girlfriend on the Internet!(She opened the PC and saw a girl's name ”Monica“...)

Hillary:(Laughing......)Monica!(A little bit surprised)

Hillary:(Talked to herself)It is the same name as the girl of Clinton's sexual scandal.Hmm.Let me send a message to her.Hillary: Hi!I'm Bill!Glad to meet you!

Monica: Hello, Bill!, Glad to meet you, too.I'm a college student, and you? Hillary: Me three

Monica:(Laughing...)You're a humorous person!Hillary: Thanks!I guess you're a female, aren't you? Monica: Yes, I am.Hillary:(Talked to herself)Great!She's a girl.Monica: And you?

Hillary: Oh...I'm a ”boy“

Monica: Which school club are you in? Hillary: Computer Information Club.Monica: Oh!Really? So you must be a computer expert!Hillary: You can say that again.Monica: You know I'm interested in computers, too.So, can you teach me or tell me something about them?

Hillary: Sure!It's my pleasure!(.....Two hours later.....)

Hillary: Oh!It's interesting to chat with you.Monica: Yeah!I'm very happy, too.IIiIIaiy: Will you be here tomorrow? At the same time? Monica: I think so, I hope we can meet again.Hillary: Ok, I'll be here tomorrow, Bye!Bye!Monica: Bye!

Saying: From then on, Monica and Hillary continue chatting with each other after school.(At Monica's room.As soon as Monica came back home from school, she started surfing the net.Then, her mom came into her room.She knocked her door, but no oneanswered the door)

Mom: I'm coming!

Mom: Oh!Monica, my darling!I've just baked some cookies.Want some? Monica: No, thanks!I have something important to do.Mom: What are you busy doing?

Monica: I'm surfing the net and talking to my net-friend.Mom: Net-friends！They are strangers.You even don't know who they are.I read from the newspapers.Lot's of things happened on net.You should be more careful and you have to watch out for your net-friends, You're so young

Monica: Ok..ok..I know, Mom.Don't worry about me.(Mom walked out her room.and Monica saw Hillary)

Monica: Hello!Bill!

Hillary: Hi!Monica!How's school today? Monica: Wonderful!It's really a nice day!

Hillary: Monica!I think we've known each other for a long time.And I just wonder whether you would go out with me?

Monica:(Talk to herself)Go out with him?

Monica: Sure, I would like to.I think you're a polite and humorous person.It may be interesting to go out with you!

Hillary: That's great!How about we meeting at McDonald's on Ming-Chang Road this weekend? Monica: All right!It's a deal!But how can I recognize you?

Hilillary: I'll wear a blue shirt, blue jeans, a blue caps and also carry a blue knapsack.Besides, I'll stand beside the trash can.Monica: All in blue!Wow!Ok!That will be easy for me to recognize you.Hillary: Yeah!I'll be waiting for you!Monica: Ok!See you

Monica:(Talk to herself)Ha!I'm looking forward to it!

Hillary:(Talk to herself)Yes, I made it.I'm going to tell Bill this good news!ScenceIII

(At McDonald's, Bill was waiting for Monica.A few minutes later, Monica saw Bill and walked toward Bill)

Monica: Hi...Are you Bill? Bill: Yes, I am.You're Monica? Monica: Yeah..that's right.Bill: You look great!

Monica: You're not bad, either.Hey, Let's find a table!

Bill: Yeah!How about that one? I've ordered some things.(They found a table and began talking.)

Monica: Bill!Bill: Monica!

Bill: Oh!Lady first!

Monica: Bill, have you already finished your computer report? Bill: Uh...Uh...Did I tell you that?

Monica: Yes, you did.You said it was about how to kill virus.Did you find out how to do that? Bill: Kill virus? That's easy for me.I'm a genius.Just use a knife.Monica: A knife?

Bill: Yeah!Knife can kill everything.Monica: What are you talking about? Alright!Alright!Forget it!And how about the novel we discussed last week?

Bill: Novel? I've read so many novels, which one?

Monica: ”The old man and the sea“, don't you forget? What happened to that old man? Bill: Yeah!That old man!He caught a big fish and then became a hero.Monica: Hmm.He has a strong will, doesn't he? He never gives up anything.And how about the fish?

Bill: Did you forget? He cooked the fish and ate it!

Monica: And~~it's delicious, right? Bill: You got it!It's very delicious!

Monica: Nonsense!The fish was eaten by the sharks.You're not Bill, are you? Bill: Of course I'm Bill.”B~I-L-L“

Monica: But you seem different from the way you are on net.Who are you for God's sake?

Bill: Ok.I tell you the truth.I'm Bill, but not the one you talked to on net.That was my sister, Hillary.Monica: Are you kidding me?

Bill: No, that's true.I really want to have a girlfriend, so she helped me out.She met you on net and thought you're a nice girl.So she arranged us to meet each other.Monica: That means both of you tricked me? Bill: So what? That's Hillary's idea.Monica: You...You.....(She is very angry)

Monica: Gosh!I was tricked for such a long time!Scence IV

(Monica left McDonald angrily)

(At Monica's room, again.)Monica:(Crying)How foolish I was!What on earth was I doing?(Still crying)I think I need someone to talk to.(She looked around and saw the time)

Monica: Ah, 8:30.It's ”Paula's Time.“(She turned on the TV)

Paula: Welcome to ”Paula's Time" I'm Paula Jones, not Dow Jones.Today we'll discuss some net problems.Nowadays Internet helps modern people live more convenient lives, get the latest information.You can say that we live in an Internet world.However, some bad guys made use of Internet to do illegal deals or trick people.So, today we will listen to some friends' problems and help them solve it.Our hot line number is 111-1234.Please dial it as soon as possible.I'm waiting for your call-in.OK.Who's the first friend? Monica: Hi, Paula, I'm Monica.Paula: Yes, Monica, what do you want to share with us?

Monica: I met a girl, Hillary, on net three months ago.She pretended to be her brother, Bill, and chatted with me.But I didn't know the truth until yesterday that we arranged to meet each other.He told me that Hillary surfed the net to help him find a girlfriend.And that was me.I felt I was tricked and I was very sad.Do you think I'm wrong?

Paula: It seems like Bill takes special interests in Monica just like our president.Monica, it's a serious and common social problem in modern society.Lots of people want to make friends on the Internet.But you must be careful.On the net, people use nicknames to protect themselves, or even trick others to do something bad.Everyone on the net wears a mask.Sometimes it's evil that hides under the mask.So you had better watch out.Never date with strangers by yourself.Strangers are dangerous.Monica: Thanks, Paula.You do help me a lot.I know what I should do now.(Suddenly someone is calling Monica on net)

Starr: Hi!Monica!I'm Starr.May I make friends with you? Monica: Oh!No!Not again!(Lights out)

The End

三、Scene I(Green Garden St.)(During the rush hours, when the street is crowded , Mr.Green is driving past the red light , unexpectedly a car accident happens...Two people came out of their cars angrily...)Miss Blue: Oh!It's you, Mr.Green...Do you know how to drive your car? Mr.Green: You see that I was driving across the road!Wow!There is a dent on my beloved BENZ.Miss Blue: My BMW has got a dent too, you should compensate me.(While they are quarrelling, later on, the police comes.)Police: What's happened? Mr.Green: She has bumped into my car!Miss Blue: No!It is himself that drove past the red light...(Quarrel again...)Police: Has any one been injured? Mr.Green: I feel headache , foot ache , ache very much.Miss Blue: I ache all over too.(Both of them mourn painfully...)Police: Then I'll call an ambulance(O-E-O-E...).Scene II(Blue Sky Hospital-Emergency)(Ambulance sends them to the hospital)Nurse: Who is injured?(Both of them say it is themselves at the same time...)Nurse: What's your name, Mr.? Mr.Green: Call me DPP Green.Nurse:(Unhappy facial expression)Oh!Go to the corner and sit there.Mr.Green: But...(nurse interrupts)Nurse: Go!Don't speak any words.....what's your name, Miss? Miss Blue: My name is KMT Blue.Nurse:(gentle and smiles)Oh, Miss this side, please.Would you tell me how you are feeling? Miss Blue: Oh!I ache all over...Nurse: OK!I'll help you stop the pain first, and then the doctor will treat you in a while.(Mr.Green comes over to require medical treatment, but rejected)Mr.Green: Nurse, I...I feel...Nurse: Wait there, didn't you hear me?(Mr.Green goes back helplessly, the doctor comes over at this moment...)Nurse: The young lady called KMT Blue...KMT Blue.Doctor: Ok!I see...How are you, Miss? Miss Blue: I got an car accident and I ache all over...Doctor:(Check)It's ok...don't worry about it.I'll give you some medicine.You'll get well soon......Miss Blue: Thank you, doctor..(Miss Blue leaves.)Doctor: Next one.(Mr.Green comes in and Dr.reads his medical record)You are called DPP Green!Mr.Green: Yeah!Any problem with that ? Doctor: Hmm...(Consider)DPP Green(Raise up voice)? What's wrong with you? Mr.Green: I ache all over-headache, toothache and foot ache(The doctor interrupts him impatiently)...Doctor: I...I...I see, Miss Lin – give Mr.Green an injection...Mr.Green: What? An injection?(Nurse takes out the syringe)Nurse: Where do you want to inject?(Mr.Green is frightened and shivering...)Mr.Green: Well, doctor...that...I do not ache anymore, I...I want to leave.Nurse: Wait!Don't go...(Nurse pulls Mr.Green and forces him to enter the injection room)Mr.Green: Wow!......That hurts!(Miss Blue goes out of the emergency room, but Mr.Green leaves in terrible pain.)孔雀東南飛

焦仲卿Johnny(J for short)劉蘭芝Lunch(L for short)焦母Johnny’smother(JM for short)劉母Lunch’smother(LM for short)太守之子Mayor’s son(MS for short)強盜Burglars(A B and C)Prologue(J作被打狀跑上臺,內砸出一卷紙筒,J被打中,狼狽不堪)J: Everybody says that I’m henpecked ,but in fact, I’m as strong as atiger ,(小聲)while my Wife is Wu Song.(指著上臺處的門大聲道)I’m not afraid of you!(內砸出一臉盆,Ｊ接住當成盾牌護著頭)Then ,I’m afraid of whom? My wife Lunch is the most famous woman in the neighbor-hood.She is braver than me, Smarter than me and stronger than me..All this I do not care.I only want her to be tender Than me.But she is not!Having a wife like this is just like living in the hell!(內又砸出一卷紙筒,擊中J)My God!Who can help me?(下)Act1(序幕結束時,JM作竊聽狀)JM(拄拐棍上):I can!(對門內)Lunch!Lunch!Where are you? L(扎著圍裙,拿著鍋鏟,從門內跳出來):I’m here!What’sup mum? JM: I’ve told you again and again that you should call me “my most beautiful graceful and Dearest mother-in-law”.L: OK.My most beautiful graceful and dearest mother-in-law, what’s up? JM :Since you married my son you have behaved so badly.You have been so rude so brusque ,so lazy…… L: But……

JM: Never interrupt me!L: Never interrupt me!Since I married your son, that terrible Johnny, I have been working hard all day long, cooking and washing.I have raised tens of thousands of pigs and ducks and chicken and…… JM: But all those you have done are not as valuable as a grandson!L(生氣地揮動著鍋鏟):Oh, you want a grandson, don’t you?(開始解圍裙)Go and ask your son.I’m leaving!(扯下圍裙,扔在JM的臉上,下)Act2(LM坐在臺上打毛線,L拿著鍋鏟上)L: Mum, I’m back!LM: You are back? Why? What happened? L: I was kicked out by my most beautiful graceful and dearest mother–in-law.LM(驚訝,但隨即露出幸災樂禍的神情):See!I have already told you!When you insisted on Marrying that terrible John, I told you that he is ugly stupid and poor, But you did not listen to me.Look at yourself…… L: But, mum……

LM: Never interrupt me!L: Mum, I’m not interrupting you.I just want to tell you that you a real way OK? And I’ll marry whom ever you want me to.LM(大喜):Nice girl!Just now, I met the mayor’s son in the market.He said:“If you daughter Haven’t been married, I really really wan to marry her!” Now you are free again, I’ll go And tell him.(下)L(驚愕):What? The mayor’s son? The most famous playboy in the neighbor-hood?(手中的鍋 鏟掉在地上)What as illy thing I have done!(下)Act3(J睡眼惺忪上)J(邊走邊道):Lunch!Lunch!Where are my socks?(走了幾步,在地上撿起襪子)Here they are!(聞一下)Er!How smelly!They are still dirty!(突然想起)Lunch has gone!I have to wash them myself.(他的肚子似乎咕咕叫了起來)Oh, I’m so hungry!But there’s no breakfast!(撿起地上的圍

裙)This is what Lunch always swears!I miss her so much, and her excellent cooking skill!Now She has gone.I have to cook for my mother and myself.JM(上):Where’s my breakfast Where’s Lunch? Has’nt she got up yet? J: Mum, can’t you remember? Lunch has gone!JM(沉吟片刻):Well, to tell you the truth Johnny, as on with out a wife is useless.Lunch is a nice girl, go and take her back!J(立正敬禮):Yes madam!Act4(J開心地走著，忽然跳出來三個強盜)A: Hey you!Stop and listen to us!The road is built by me!(抬腳重重地踩在一塊大石頭上)B: And I planted one tree!(亦抬腳踩在同一塊石頭上)C: If you want to go by this street---(欲踩石頭，但踩到了A的腳)AB&C: Give us all your money!J(搜遍了每一個口袋，掏出１角硬幣):Is 1 mao enough?(三強盜暈倒狀，接著三人聚在一邊商量)A: What bad luck!This guy is broken!B: If we can not rob any money today, we will have nothing to eat tonight!C:I heard that the mayor’s son is going to marry Miss Liu Lanzhi next month.WE can go and Rob the wedding!A&B: Good idea!J(驚訝):What? What? Lunch is going to get married? It’s impossible!AB&C: Why? A pretty girl and a rich man, what a good couple!J: But Lunch is my wife!We haven’ t got divorced yet!(突然有了主意)I’ve got an idea!You are going to rob the wedding ,don’t you? I’ll go with you.You take the money and I take the bride.B: Have you got any experience? J : No.But I’ve got this!(J脫下鞋子從里面摸出一張支票，上書＄１，０００，０００)Act5(轉眼已到了婚禮之期．MS意氣風發用紅綢牽著新娘上，J蓋著紅蓋頭極不情愿地被拉上臺)(J和三強盜躍至臺中)ABC&J: Hey you!Stop and listen to us!A: The road is built by me!B: And I planted one tree.C: If you want to go by this street---J: Give us all your money!(L聽到J的聲音，掀起了蓋頭)L(驚喜萬分):Johnny!(不顧一切地飛奔到J的身邊并躲到了的身后)(MS大怒，揮拳向J打來．J矮身一躲，MS打中了J身后的L，L暈倒)J(火冒三丈):How dare you beat my wife!（揮拳向MS沖去）(J與MS混戰，JM上，以拐杖擊暈MS)(J將MS胸前的新郎標志扯下戴在自己胸前)J(扶起L，關切地問):Honey, how are you? L(哭狀): I hurt a lot!J: Don’t cry baby.I’ll go and fetch the medicine.(下)L(起身去追):Wait for me!(跑下)(音樂起 Can You Celebrate)

第五篇：小品劇本:荊柯刺秦前傳(搞笑版)

劇中人物：秦王、趙高、李斯斯,荊柯、孟姜女、武士

地點：皇宮大殿

時間：公元前228年xiexiebang.com-http://www.tmdps.cn一上來，暗場，站坐有模樣：風風，大風，大風，風風，大風，大風，吹，吹得

腦瓜疼。

光起，皇上搖電話，有層次地喊：喂（表情很擰），喂（看看旁邊的兩人）

喂！（歇斯底里）

另三人都接電話：喂，是！嗨！

皇上拍腿（沒人理）其他還在繼續說我現在挺忙的皇上又拍氣憤地大喊還上不上朝了

兩人小賤樣皇上武士還在傻笑接電話

李斯斯一腳踹過去武士立馬擺提刀的動作一副很有架子的樣子

武士：有，有本。。早。。奏無本退，退，退，朝。。（像女生般撒嬌地說）

武士：誒，誒，（可帶手勢）對（結巴音）

李的手機響

皇上：哎呀！呀呀呀呀呀呀！

趙：一大白臉貼近皇上皇上你牙疼??？()

皇上：你才牙疼呢！

李：原詞在紙張

皇：一驚訝的樣子夸張的跳上凳子啥？？又來了？fwsir.com那我讓你們修建的萬里長城進展怎么樣了？

武士在玩手機李又上前去踹了他一腳

武士一正步上前匯報：啟稟大王，一個月前已經修好了四百公里。

皇上：怎么四百公里？我不是讓你修八百里嗎？

武士：對啊，是四百公里?。。òl嗲）

皇上：八百里！（孩子氣地喊）

武士：四百公里！

皇上：八百里！（）

武士：四百公里！

趙：皇上，他耍你呢！（很賊地說）

皇上：哦！（恍然大悟）你過來！（扯弓箭大聲喊）

武士：啊，不~~~

皇上趕緊給包工頭打電話催進度

趙李二人同時說：皇上他們欠費了

皇上：欠費？不是讓你給他們送充值卡了嗎？卡呢？！

趙李送了啊

皇上：送了？都送給你們的小相好了嗎

趙李：沒有~~

皇上：瞧你們這樣兵熊熊一個將熊熊一窩

趙：皇上息怒！我發明了一個新物件

皇上：什么東西？

趙：這個新物件，既能達到通訊效果，又能一分錢不花！

兩人共唱：兩個小娃娃呀一起打電話呀喂喂喂你在哪里呀啊啊啊我在商場啊

皇上：好東西！叫什么名字啊

趙：線話

皇上：記你一大功，馬上大批量生產！以供軍用和建筑。

武士手機又響

皇上：哎呀！呀呀呀呀

趙：皇上你又牙疼??？

皇上：去去去！

武士：此時上前稟報！（原詞）

李：哦，那正好。??？那不全給我哭倒了嗎？那個女的呢？

武士：已經抓來了，請大王發落。

皇上：把那個女的給我帶上來。

趙李：傳孟姜女的上殿！

大長今的音樂 衣服（韓國舞武士在她后面美滋滋地跟著她幫她托紗裙）

孟姜女唱：呼啦啦呼啦啦呼啦啦拉。。

皇上起初很美地跟著打拍子，忽然一下覺得不對，大喊一聲：別‘啦’啦！

武士：皇上，就是她！

孟姜女：（忽然從懷里掏出筷子，敲節奏）小女我自幼很善良，嫁了個男人叫萬喜良，三天前我倆入了洞房，我那苦命的萬郎被抓去修了破城墻，不知是誰造的謠，說要想使長城萬壽無疆，就必須在他腳下埋上萬郎?？蓱z我孤苦的孟姜女，可悲我那慘死的萬喜良，要想知道罪魁禍首他是誰呀他是誰（眾人也問：他是誰呀他是誰？）他就是那個豬狗雞鴨蛤蟆蟑螂都不如的臭大王，臭大王！

（其他人跟著節奏伸脖子）

孟姜女說完，武士忽然大喊一聲：好！（忽然意識到不對又說）好你個大膽的孟姜女，敢罵皇上！

孟：就罵就罵我就罵，暴君暴君暴君君。（做鄙視的手勢）

趙：還罵！

李：罵一句得了！

皇上：也！她鄙視我，她個孟姜女，把我的長城哭倒了，她還這么囂張，（跟旁邊的人說，然后掏家伙，兩人立馬拉著他）我，我，我要剁了你！（皇上激動）旁邊李拉他，拉不住。

武士：稟告皇上~~~，包工頭荊柯求見！

皇上：啥？荊柯，帶上來！

武士：是！

荊柯上場，一沖上來大板跪，染著頭發，穿戴時髦還戴金器，非常自我陶醉耳朵唱：求求你給我個機會，別再對工錢說無所謂！已經拖欠這么久，你的錢到底給不給！（擺生活用品牙刷牙膏什么的還梳頭黑社會老大似的）

皇上：你。。？

荊柯：（非常土匪氣地用東北話說）我跟你說啊，今天要不給錢噢，今天我就不走了噢?。敏[鐘看時間調時間）我睡會噢！

武士：（忽然間嬌嗔）你好有男人味噢！

荊柯：滾！

皇上：呀?。▽χ赃厓扇耍┤缓蟮皖^掏家伙！

兩人扒倒皇上（皇上摔到椅子下四仰八叉），然后一起掏家伙

趙李兩人：走到皇上前面擋住皇上，掏菜刀和砍刀。

皇上爬起來說：