第一篇：小學英語笑話帶翻譯

The Brain Surgeon was about to perform a brain transplant.“You have your choice of two brains,” he told the patient, “For $1000 you can have the brain of a psychologist, or for $10,000 you can have the brain of a politician.”

The patient was amazed at the huge difference in price.“Is the brain of a politician that much better?” he asked.The Brain Surgeon replied, “No, it’s not better, just unused.”

腦移植

一個外科醫生正要作一個腦移植手術。

“你可以從兩個腦子中選一個給你。”醫生告訴病人，“一個心理學家的大腦1000美元，一個政治家的大腦10000美元。

病人很驚訝二者之間這樣大的差別，“政治家的大腦好一些嗎？”他問。

醫生說：“不是好一些，只是沒有用過。”

第二篇：英語演講稿帶翻譯笑話

we are the world ,we are the future someone said “we are reading the first verse of the first chapter of a book, whose pages are infinite”.i don’t know who wrote these words, but i’ve always liked them as a reminder that the future can be anything we want it to be.we are all in the position of the farmers.if we plant a good seed ,we reap a good harvest.if we plant nothing at all, we harvest nothing at all.we are young.“how to spend the youth?” it is a meaningful question.to answer it, first i have to ask “what do you understand by the word youth?” youth is not a time of life, it’s a state of mind.it’s not a matter of rosy cheeks, red lips or supple knees.it’s the matter of the will.it’s the freshness of the deep spring of life.a poet said “to see a world in a grain of sand, and a heaven in a wild flower, hold infinity in the palm of your hand, and eternity in an hour.several days ago, i had a chance to listen to a lecture.i learnt a lot there.i’d like to share it with all of you.let’s show our right palms.we can see three lines that show how our love.career and life is.i have a short line of life.what about yours? i wondered whether we could see our future in this way.well, let’s make a fist.where is our future? where is our love, career, and life? tell me.yeah, it is in our hands.it is held in ourselves.we all want the future to be better than the past.but the future can go better itself.don’t cry because it is over, smile because it happened.from the past, we’ve learnt that the life is tough, but we are tougher.we’ve learnt that we can’t choose how we feel, but we can choose what about it.failure doesn’t mean you don’t have it, it does mean you should do it in a different way.failure doesn’t mean you should give up, it does mean you must try harder.as what i said at the beginning, “we are reading the first verse of the first chapter of a book, whose pages are infinite”.the past has gone.nothing we do will change it.but the future is in front of us.believe that what we give to the world, the world will give to us.and from today on, let’s be the owners of ourselves, and speak out “we are the world, we are the future.”

世界是我們的，未來是我們的

一些人說“我們正在讀一本無窮的書中的第一章的第一節。”我不知道誰寫了這些話，但是我一直很喜歡它，因為它提醒了我，我們能夠創造我們想要的未來。我們都是農夫。如果我們播下好的種子，我們將會豐收。如果我們的種子很差，有很多草籽，收割的將是無用的莊稼。如果我們什么也不播種，什么收獲也沒有。

我們是年輕的。“怎樣度過青春？”這是個有意義的問題。為了去回答它，我首先要問“從?青春?這個詞中你能理解到什么？” 青春不是人生的一個時期，而是精神的一種狀態。青春不是桃面、丹唇、柔膝，而是深沉的意志。青春是生命的深泉在涌流.一位詩人說“從一粒沙看世界，從一朵花看天堂，把無限放在你的手掌，永恒在一剎那里收藏”。幾天前，我有了一個聽講座的機會，從中我學到了很多東西。現在，我想把這些與大家共享。讓我們伸出右手，我們可以看到手掌中的展示我們的愛，事業和生活的三條線。我在生活方面這條線很短，那你們的呢？我想知道我們是否可以用這種辦法去看我們的未來。好的，讓我們一起握拳。我們的未

來在哪兒？我們的愛、事業和生活在哪兒？告訴我！是的，它們就在我們的手中。它們被我們自己掌握著。

我們所有人都希望未來能比過去更美好，但是未來能自己變得更好。不要因為結束而哭泣，微笑吧，為你的曾經擁有。從過去來看，生活是艱苦的，但我們是更堅強。我們知道我們不能選擇感覺，但是我們能選擇和它相關的東西。失敗并不意味著你不擁有成功，它只意味著你應該用另一種方式去做這件事。失敗并不意味著你應該放棄，只意味著你應該更加努力。

正如我在前面所說的“我們正在讀一本無窮的書中的第一章的第一節。”過去的已經過去，無論我們無力改變，但是未來卻在我們前方。相信“我們給了世界什么，世界也將給我們”。并且從今天起，讓我們一起做我們自己的主人，一起大聲說出“世界是我們的，未來是我們的。”篇二：中英文幽默演講

幽默演講——調侃自己（中英對照））

演講者如何調侃自己

創新句子：你們或者睡覺，或者不睡，只要不打呼嚕，我就接著講。

幽默注釋：演講者講得太糟糕了，組織者哭得很傷心。

演講結束時，宴會主人感謝你從繁忙的日程中抽出時間來——你泰然自若，優雅地點頭微笑著，心里非常清楚你日歷上唯一的事情就是就早餐后喝點咖啡。

poise is when you finish your speech and the toastmaster thanks you for taking time out of your busy schedule to be a part of their program---and you nod and smile graciously knowing full well that the only thing on your calendar is a little coffee from breakfast.幽默注釋：一些老干部退休后沒什么事干，有人請他參加一些活動，他還假裝很忙，好象推開了很多事才趕去似的。

過去我演講時常常會比較緊張，但那時我看到一條信息說如果你想象所有的觀眾都是裸體會有所幫助。此時此刻，我站在這里想象著觀眾都是裸體，真的起作用，我不再緊張了，但眼睛有些疲勞。

i used to get nervous when giving a speech but then i read that it helps to think of the entire audience as being naked.and so, at this very moment, i’m standing up here imagining every one in this audience as being naked.and it really works.i no suffer from nervousness.eyestrain.yes.幽默注釋：把觀眾想象成裸體，意思是我不怕你們，就不緊張了。

創新句子：大部分人站在講臺上都會有點兒緊張，我屬于少部分人，我非常緊張。

我本人不自負——我簡直不能告訴你們我是多么欽佩我這一點。personally, i have never been conceited---and i can’t tell you how much i admire myself for that.幽默句子：他因為自己不自負，所以變得非常驕傲。

創新句子：我一點兒都不自負，我希望別人也這么看我。

我先用簡單明了的英語演講，以后我再翻譯給律師聽。

let me put this into plain english.i’ll translate it for the lawyers later.幽默注釋：律師總喜歡用復雜的語言，簡單的話都聽不懂了。

創新句子：我的講話有三個版本，小學生版本，中學生版本，大學生版本，你是聽小學一年紀版的，還是小學二年紀版的？

如果你聽過這個故事，請不要打斷我，我就知道這一個故事。if you’ve already heard this story, please don’t stop me because it’s the only one i know.幽默注釋：就是你知道兩個故事，講故事前也可以這么說。

創新句子：我講個笑話，如果你們聽過，也希望裝做沒聽過，我也這樣照顧你們。

演講就象給草坪澆水，如果有四分之一的水滲下去你就滿意了。

making a speech is like watering a lawn.you’re satisfied if just a quarter of it sinks in.幽默注釋：有人打呼嚕，有人說話，都是正常的，有四分之一觀眾聽就不錯了。

幽默句子：即興演講的開場白。

創新句子：我不知道你們會不會喜歡我的演講，我不知道我要講點兒什么。

開始前我想告訴你們下面的演講已經編輯成了電視節目，我現在少講20分鐘，我們能夠及時趕回家看2臺的節目。

before i begin, i want you to know that the following speech has been edited for television.i cut 20 minutes out of it so we could all get home in time for the game on channel 2.幽默注釋：放著現場不看，偏要回家在電視上看。

可能你們有些人知道我今晚出現在這里有兩個原因：第一個原因是你們的計劃委員會一直在設法尋找一個聰明、有趣、老練的演講者，——他們找到了。第二個原因是那個人病了，所以就打電話把我找來了。

幽默注釋：一開始好象在說自己很牛，其實就是個臨時替場。

創新句子：我認為我演講很風趣，可為什么沒人笑呢？

有人有舞臺恐懼癥，我沒有；舞臺不會怎么樣我，是觀眾快把我嚇死了！some people suffer from stage fright.i don’t.the stage doesn’t bother me at all.it’s the audience that scares the hell out of me!幽默注釋：stage fright舞臺恐懼癥，而不是舞臺嚇唬我。

我們每個人都希望能在某一時刻把時鐘撥回去。如果我能夠把時鐘撥回去 at one time or another, i think each of us has wished we could turn back the clock.i know if i could turn back the clock just 45 minutes, i’d be the happiest person in this room.because that’s when i left my speech on the kitchen table.幽默注釋：自己上臺前還在刻苦練習，演講稿落家里了，講錯了希望觀眾包涵。

我不想吹牛，但上次我演講時所有的觀眾都站了起來，他們再也沒有坐下，直到走到他們的汽車那兒。

i don’t want to brag, but the last time i did this it brought the audience to its feet.and they never sat down again until they reached their cars.幽默注釋：觀眾聽他演講，都站起來走了，他還在吹牛呢。

創新句子：我演講時用一種平緩的語速娓娓道來，觀眾睡得很香甜。

如果我有點兒猶豫，你們一定要原諒我，這是我第一次飯后演講——在賣當勞里沖我的小孩兒喊叫除外。if i’m a little hesitant, you’ll have to excuse me.this is the first after-dinner speech i’ve ever made---except for yelling at my kids in mcdonald’s.幽默注釋：自嘲自己演講沒什么經驗。

創新句子：你可能知道我已經養成了飯后演講的習慣。

我不習慣面對這么多觀眾演講，讓我鼓起勇氣的一件事情就是我在談論我最喜歡的題目——我。

i’m not used to speaking to such a large audience.the one thing that gives me courage is that i’m speaking on my favorite subject---me.幽默注釋：電視上老是邀請一些名人在那兒大談自己，這些人開場可以這么說。

第三篇：英語小笑話 帶翻譯

One day a person meet god......God suddenly decide to give the man a wish......God asked......What wishes do you have......The man thinking......Heard that cats have9 lives......Would you please give me9 lives......God said......Your wish come true......One day, the boring...Want to say one death to die......There are9 life lying on the tracks......The results of a train in the past......The man was dead......Why is this?

Because the train compartment having10day......有個人一天碰到上帝......上帝突然大發善心打算給那人一個愿望......上帝問......你有什么愿望嗎......那個人想了想......聽說貓都有9條命......那請您賜給我9條命吧......上帝說......你的愿望實現咯......一天，那個人閑來無聊......想說去死一死算了......反正有9條命嘛 就躺在鐵軌上......結果一輛火車開過去......那人還是死了......這是為什么呢？

因為那列火車的車廂有10節......Music class the teacher played a Beethoven song

Xiao Ming asked her:“ do you understand music?”

Xiaohua:“ yes”

Xiao Ming:“ you know what teachers do in the shells?”

Xiaohua:“ piano.”

音樂課上 老師彈了一首貝多芬的曲子

小明問小華：“你懂音樂嗎？”

小華：“是的”

小明：“那你知道老師在彈什麼嗎？”

小華: “鋼琴。”

Traveler: Can I catch the three o'clock train to Toronto?

Ticket agent: That depends on how fast you can run.It left fifteen minutes ago.旅行者：我還能趕上3點鐘那班到多倫多的火車嗎？

售票員：那得看你跑得有多快。火車15分鐘前開出。

第四篇：英語短文笑話(帶翻譯)

1、How much English can you speak?

“Your Honor, I want to bring to your attention how unfair it is for my client to be accused of theft.He arrived in New York City a week ago and barely knew his way around.What's more, he only speaks a few words of English.” The judge looked at the defendant and asked, “How much English can you speak?” The defendant looked up and said, “Give me your wallet!”

中文翻譯

“法官先生，我的當事人被指控偷竊，這是多么不公正啊。他一周前才來到紐約，幾乎不認路。而且，他只會說幾個英語單詞。” 法官看了看被告，問道：“你會說多少英文？” 被告抬起頭，說：“把你的錢包給我！” 2

A husband, proving to his wife that women talk more than men, showed her a study which indicated that men use on average only 15000 words a day, whereas women use 30000 words a day.She thought about this for a while and then told her husband that women use twice as many words as men because they have to repeat everything they say.He said, “What?” 丈夫給妻子看了一項調查結果，為了向她證明女人比男人啰嗦。研究表明男人平均每天使用15000個字，而女人每天使用30000個。

妻子想了一會兒說，女人每天說的字數是男人的兩倍，因為她們必須重復已經說過的話。他問：“什么？” 3

Boy: Is this seat empty? Girl: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.男孩：這個座位是空的么？

女孩：是的，如果你坐下，我的座位也將是空的。

4、“Tom, what's the matter with your brother?” asked the mother in the kitchen.“He's crying.” “Oh, nothing, Mum,” replied Tom.“I'm eating my cake.He is crying because I won't give him any.” “But has he finished his own cake?” “Yes.” said Tom.“And he also cried when I was helping him finish that.” “湯姆，你弟弟怎么了？” 媽媽在廚房里問。“他在哭。” “沒事兒，媽媽，” 湯姆答道。“我在吃我的蛋糕。他哭是因為我不給他吃。” “他已經吃完自己的了么？” “是的。” “我幫他吃完時，他也哭了。”

2009-6-7

A guy says to his friend, “Guess how many coins I have in my pocket.” The friends says, “If I guess right, will you give me one of them?” The first guys says, “If you guess right, I'll give you both of them!” 路人甲對路人乙說，“猜猜我兜里有幾個子兒？” 路人乙說：“我猜對了，你能給我一個不？” 路人甲說：“你要猜對了，我兩個全部給你！”

2009-6-6研究生和本科生的區別

“I can always tell a graduate class from an undergraduate class,” said an instructor at a university graduate engineering course.“When I say 'Good afternoon,' the undergraduates respond 'Good afternoon.' But the graduate students just write it down.” 一個教師在研究生工程學課堂上說：“我一眼就能看出來哪些是本科生，哪些是研究生。” “我說'下午好'的時候，本科生回答'下午好'，而研究生則把這句話記在本子上。”

2009-6-5

Dad: Tom, please tell me, which month has 28 days? Tom: Every month.爸爸：告訴我湯姆，哪個月有28天呢？ 湯姆：每個月都有啊！

2009-6-4making faces

Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms Smith stopped to gently reprimand the child.Smiling sweetly, the Sunday school teacher said, “Bobby, when I was a child I was told if I made ugly faces, my face would freeze and stay like that”.Bobby looked up and replied, “Well, Ms Smith, you can't say you weren't warned.” 史密斯小姐發現她的一名學生在操場上向別人做鬼臉，便去輕責他。

這位主日學校的老師甜甜地微笑著，說：“博比，我小的時候，有人告訴我如果我做鬼臉，我的臉就會僵硬，永遠都那么丑。” 博比抬頭看了看老師，說：“史密斯小姐，你可別說沒人警告過你啊。”

2009-6-3

A guy goes to visit his grandma and he brings his friend with him.While he's talking to his grandma, his friend starts eating the peanuts on the coffee table, and finishes them off.As they're leaving, his friend says to his grandma, “Thanks for the peanuts.” She says, “Yeah, since I lost my dentures I can only suck the chocolate off.”

一名男子帶著朋友去探望他的祖母。

當他和祖母聊天時，他的朋友開始吃咖啡桌上放的花生，并把花生都給吃光了。他們離開時，他的朋友對祖母說:“謝謝您的花生。” 結果祖母說:“唉！自從我牙齒掉光后，我就只能吮掉花生豆外層的巧克力了。”

2009-6-2

A father was trying to teach his son the evils of alcohol.He put one worm in a glass of water and another worm in a glass of whiskey.The worm in the water lived, while the one in the whiskey curled up and died.“All right, son,” asked the father, “What does that show you?” “Well, Dad, it shows that if you drink alcohol, you will not have worms.” 一位父親打算讓自己的兒子知道酒精有多么可怕。

他把分別把兩只蟲子放到一杯清水和一杯威士忌里做對比。清水里蟲子安然無恙，結果威士忌里的蟲子蜷縮了幾下就掛掉了。

“所以，兒子啊，”父親問道，“得出什么結論？” “恩，這說明，你只要喝酒的話，肚里就不會長蟲了！”

2009-6-1

Looking very unhappy, a poor man entered a doctor's consulting-room.“Doctor,” he said, “you must help me.I swallowed a penny about a month ago.”

“Good heavens, man!” said the doctor.“Why have you waited so long? Why don't you come to me on the day you swallowed it?”

“To tell you the truth, Doctor,” the poor man replied, “I didn't need the money so badly then.”

中文翻譯：

一個看起來很難受的窮人走進大夫的診室。

“大夫！”他說，“幫幫我！一個月前我吞了一分硬幣！”

“天哪，”大夫說，“早干嘛去了？你當時怎么不來看？”

“實話告訴您吧，大夫，”窮人說，“我當時還不缺錢！”

2009-5-31

Boy: Hi, didn't we go on dates before? Onec or twice? Girl: Must've been once.I never make the same mistake twice.男孩：嗨，我們之前是不是約會過，是一次還是兩次，我忘記了。

女孩：應該只有一次吧，我從不犯兩次同樣的錯誤。

2009-5-30

In an entrance examination of a conservatory of music, a teacher asked one of the boys, “What is the most important physiological quality of a musician?” “To be deaf,” replied the boy.“Nonsense!” said the teacher angrily.“Why, sir!Don't you know that the famous musician Beethoven was deaf?” the boy asked in reply disdainfully.在一次音樂學院的入學考試中，老師問其中一個男孩：“音樂家最重要的生理素質是什么？” “耳聾，”男孩答道。

“胡說！”老師氣憤地說。

“怎么了，先生！難道您不知道大名鼎鼎的音樂家貝多芬是個聾子嗎？”男孩輕蔑地反問道。

2009-5-28

A man sat at a bar, had the saddest hangdog expression.Bartender: “What's the matter? Are you having troubles with your wife?” The man: “We had a fight, and she told me that she wasn't going to speak to me for a month.” Bartender: “That should make you happy.” The man: “No, the month is up today!” 一個男人坐在酒吧里，傷心至極。

酒吧招待：“你怎么了？跟老婆鬧矛盾了？” 男人：“我們吵了一架，她說一個月都不跟我說話。” 酒吧招待：“那你應該高興才是啊！” 男人：“不，今天是這個月的最后一天。”

【Laughter】2009-5-27 A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.女人找了老公之前都在擔憂未來。男人娶了老婆之前從來不為未來擔憂。

2009-5-26

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants.A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.男人想要的東西，要是值1塊錢卻賣2塊，他也會買；而對于女人，即使是不想要的東西，要是值2塊錢卻只賣1塊，她也會買。

2009-5-25

The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students and vice versa.“Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time.Anybody caught breaking this rule the

2nd time will be fined $60.Being caught a 3rd time will incur a fine of $180.Are there any questions?” At this moment, a male student in the crowd inquires, “Umm...How much for a season pass?” 女生宿舍將全面禁止男生進入，男生宿舍也同樣不得女生光臨。

“不論是誰，一旦違規，初犯將被罰款20美元。再犯要被罰款60美元。第3次被抓需要交180美元的罰款。還有什么疑問么？” 這時人群中一個男同學問道，“那么一個季度通行證需要多少錢？”

2009-5-24

Boy: Can I buy you a drink? Girl: Actually I'd rather have the money.男孩：我可以給你買杯飲料嗎？ 女孩：你不如直接把錢給我得了。

2009-5-22

Doctor: Your cough sounds much better today.Patient: It should.I've been practicing all night.醫生：聽上去你咳嗽今天好多了。

病人：應該如此。我昨晚練習了一整夜。

2009-5-21

Pete: “The last time I was out hunting, I stepped off a high cliff, and would you believe it, while I was falling every fool deed I'd ever done came into my mind.” Bob: “Must have been a pretty high mountain you fell from.” 皮特：“我上次出去打獵，跌下了很高的懸崖，信不信由你，當我跌落的時候，我腦海里浮現了我做過的所有蠢事。” 鮑勃：“你一定是從萬丈高山上跌落的吧。”

2009-5-19

Spending the night with their grandparents, 2 young boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers at bedtime.The younger boy began praying at the top of his lungs:“I PRAY FOR A BIKE...I PRAY FOR A NEW DVD...” His older brother nudged him and said, “Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf.” To which the little brother replied, “No, but Grandma is!” 2個男孩與祖父母一起過夜，他們跪在床邊做睡前禱告。弟弟聲嘶力竭地祈禱: “我祈求一輛自行車，一張新DVD……” 哥哥用肘輕推他: “你為什么大喊著祈禱？上帝又不聾。” 弟弟答道:“上帝是不聾，但是奶奶聾。”

2009-5-18

A cop spotted a woman driving and knitting at the same time.Coming up beside her, he said, “Pull over!” “No,” she replied, “a pair of socks!” 巡警發現一名婦女邊開車邊織毛衣，便開車上前，說：“靠邊停車(套頭衫)！” “不，” 她回答，“是一雙襪子！”

In order to prove the harmful effect of alcohol,the teacher put a bug into a glass filled with alcohol,soon the bug died.The teacher asked a student,“what does this show?”

The student answered,“It shows that people won't get parasites if they drink more alcohol.”

酒的好處

為了證明酒精對生物的危害，老師把一只蟲子放入裝有酒精的杯子里，蟲子很快就死了。老師問一個學生：“這說明了什么？”

學生答道：“說明人多喝酒，就不會長蟲子。”

1.Teacher:Some students are becoming arrogant.Do you remember the story about race between the hare and the tortoise?Now,Xiaoming,will you please tell us why the hare was defeated by the tortoise?

Xiaoming:Because the hare fell asleep.Teacher:Absolutely right!What should we do so that the hare won't fall asleep?

Xiaoming:Exchange the tortoise for the wolf.把烏龜換成狼

老師：有些同學開始驕傲了，大家還記得龜兔賽跑的故事嗎。小明，你說說看，兔子為什么輸給烏龜？

小明：因為它睡覺了。

老師：對極了！我們應該怎么做才能讓兔子不睡覺呢？

小明：把烏龜換成狼！

Jonesie The Great Lion Hunter

A small village was troubled by a man-eating lion.So its leaders sent a message to the great hunter, Jonesie, to come and kill the beast.For several nights the hunter lay in wait for the lion, but it never appeared.Finally, he told the village chief to kill a cow and give him its hide.Draping the skin over his shoulders, he went to the pasture to wait for the lion.In the middle of the night, the villagers woke to the sound of blood-curdling shrieks coming from the pasture.As they carefully approached, they saw the hunter on the ground, groaning in pain.There was no sign of the lion.“What happened, Jonesie? Where is the lion?” asked the chief.“Forget the damn lion!” he howled.“Which one of you idiots let the bull loose?” 偉大的獵手Jonesie

有個小村莊正為一只吃人的獅子而煩惱。于是，村長派人去請偉大的獵手Jonesie來殺死這只野獸。

獵手躺著等了幾個晚上，但獅子一直沒有出現。最后，他要求村長殺只羊然后把頭皮給他。把羊皮披在身上后，獵人到草原上去等獅子。

半夜，村民被從草原傳來的聲嘶力竭的尖叫聲驚醒。他們小心地靠近后，看到獵手正躺在草地上痛苦地呻吟。沒有獅子出沒的蛛絲馬跡。

“Jonesie，怎么了？獅子在哪？”村長問。

“哪有獅子！”獵人怒吼道，“哪個傻瓜把公牛放出來了？”

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Weather Predict

A film crew was on location deep in the desert.One day an old Indian went up to the director and said, “Tomorrow rain.” The next day it rained.A week later, the Indian went up to the director and said, “Tomorrow storm.” The next day there was a hailstorm.“This Indian is incredible,” said the director.He told his secretary to hire the Indian to predict the weather.However, after several successful predictions, the old Indian didn't show up for two weeks.Finally the director sent for him.“I have to shoot a big scene tomorrow,” said the director, “and I'm depending on you.What will the weather be like?”

The Indian shrugged his shoulders.“Don't know,” he said.“Radio is broken.” 天氣預報

一個電影攝制組在沙漠深處工作.一天,一個印度老人到導演跟前告訴導演說“明天下雨.”第二天果然下雨了.一周后,印度人又來告訴導演說,“明天有風暴.”果然,第二天下了雹暴.“印度人真神,”導演說.他告訴秘書雇傭該印度人來預報天氣.幾次預報都很成功.然后,接下來的兩周,印度人不見了.最后,導演派人去把他叫來了.“我明天必須拍一個很大的場景,”導演說,“這得靠你了.明天天氣如何啊?”

印度人聳了聳肩.“我不知道,”印度人說,“收音機壞了.”

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I Am Acting Like a Lady

One day when women's dresses were on sale at the FarEast Department Store, a dignified middle-aged man decided to get his wife a piece.But he soon found himself being battered by

frantic women.He stood it as long as he could;then, with head lowered and arms flailing, he plowed through the crowed.“You there!” challenged a thrill voice.“Can't you act like a gentleman?”

“Listen,” he said, “I have been acting like a gentleman for an hour.From now on, I am acting like a lady.”

我要表現得象位女士

一天，遠東百貨公司的女裝大減價，一位高貴的中年男士想給太太買一件。可是，沒過多久，他發現自己已被瘋狂的女人沖得踉踉蹌蹌。

他竭力忍耐著。后來，他低下頭，揮動雙臂，擠過人群。

“你干嘛？”有人尖聲叫道，“你難道不能表現得象位紳士嗎？”

“聽著，”他說，“我已經象紳士一樣表現了一個小時。從現在起，我要表現得象個女士。”

第五篇：簡單的英語笑話帶翻譯

Blonde's Appendicitis-金發美女的闌尾炎

A blonde has sharp pains in her side.The doctor examines her and says, “You have acute appendicitis.”

The blonde says, “That's sweet, doc, but I came here to get medical help.”

一個金發美女的腹部側面感到劇痛。醫生檢查之后告訴他：“你得了急性闌尾炎。（金發美女聽成acute 以為是a cute，一個可愛的闌尾炎）”

金發美女說：“您真貼心，醫生，但是我是來求醫的。”

Little Johnny...Finding Jesus 小強尼-尋找耶穌

A Sunday school teacher is concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus, so he asks his class, “Where is Jesus today?”Steven raises his hand and says, “He's in Heaven.”Mary answers, “He's in my heart.”Little Johnny waves his hand furiously and blurts out, “He's in our bathroom!”The surprised teacher asks Little Johnny how he knows this.“Well,” Little Johnny says, “every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?!'”一名主日學校的老師擔心他的學生們有可能對耶穌感到困惑，于是他問他的學生們：“耶穌今天在哪里？”斯蒂芬舉起他的手，說道：“他在天堂。”瑪麗回答：“他在我心里。”小強尼用力揮了揮手，脫口而出：“他在我們浴室里！”大吃一驚的老師問小強尼他怎么知道這個。“這個嘛，”小強尼說：“每天早上，我父親起床后，都會敲浴室的門喊著?基督-耶穌，你還在里面啊？?”

Little Johnny...Know It All 小強尼什么都知道

Little Johnny asks his mother her age.She replies, “Gentlemen don't ask ladies that question.”Johnny then asks his mother how much she weighs.Again his mother replies, “Gentlemen don't ask ladies that question.”The boy then asks, “Why did Daddy leave you?”To this, the mother says, “You shouldn't ask that,” and sends him to his room.On the way, Johnny trips over his mother's purse.When he picks it up, her driver's license falls out.Johnny runs back into the room.“I know all about you now.You are 36 years old, weigh 127 pounds and Daddy left you because you got an 'F' in sex!”小強尼問他母親的年齡是多少。她回答道：“紳士們是不會問女士們這個問題的。”于是強尼問他母親她的體重是多少。他的母親再一次回答：“紳士們是不會問女士們這個問題的。”于是這孩紙問：“為什么爸爸離開了你？”對于這個問題，這位母親說：“你不應該問這個問題。”然后把他送回他自己的房間。在走的時候，強尼被他母親的錢包絆倒。當他把錢包撿起來的時候，她的駕照掉了出來。強尼跑回母親的房間說：“現在關于你的問題我都知道答案了。你36歲了，體重127磅，還有爸爸離開你的原因是因為你在sex上的考評是F！”（got an 'F' in sex，孩紙啊，你想歪了，那是“性別：女”啊……）

Little Johnny...Definite Definition 小強尼-肯定的定義

The preschool teacher says, “We're going to do vocabulary today.Who can use the word 'definitely' in a sentence?”Mary raises her hand and exclaims, “Me me me!”The teacher says, “Go ahead, what's the sentence?Mary replies, ”The sky is definitely blue.“"That's good, Mary,” says the teacher, “but the sky can also be gray or white.”Sam raises his hand and states, “Grass is definitely green.”The teacher says, “That's good, Sam, but grass can be brown, too.”Little Johnny raises his hand and asks, “Do farts have lumps in them?”

The teacher says, “No Johnny, why do you ask that?”Little Johnny replies, “Well, I definitely sh*t my pants.”幼兒園老師說：“我們今天要做詞匯題了。誰能在句子里運用“肯定”這個詞？”瑪麗舉了手大聲說：“我我我！”老師說：“你說吧，什么句子？”瑪麗回答：“天空肯定是藍藍的。”“回答得不錯，瑪麗”老師點評道：“但天空也可能是灰色或者白色的。”山姆舉手說道：“草地肯定是綠色的。”老師說：“回答得不錯，山姆，但是草地也可能是棕色的。”小強尼舉手問道：“屁會結成塊兒嗎？”老師說：“不會的，強尼，你為什么問這個問題？”小強尼回答：“好吧，我“肯定”大便在褲襠里了。”

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