第一篇：美國著名脫口秀主持人艾倫杜蘭大學畢業演講

Thank you.President Cowan.Mrs.President Cowen.distinguished guests, undistinguished guests.You know who you are, honored faculty and creepy Spanish teacher.And thank you to all the graduating class of 2009, I realize most of you are hangover and have splitting headaches and haven?t slept since Fat Tuesday, but you can?t graduate ?til I finish, so listen up.When I was asked to make the commencement speech, I immediately said yes.Then I went to look up what commencement meant.Which would have been easy if I had a dictionary, but most of the books in our house are Portia?s, and they?re all written in Australian.So I had to break the word down myself to find out the meaning.Commencement.Common, and cement.Common cement.You commonly see cement on sidewalks.Sidewalks have cracks, and if you step on a crack, you break your mother?s back.So there?s that.But I?m honored that you?ve asked me here to speak at your common cement.I thought that you had to be a famous alumnus –alumint –alumini – aluminum – alumis – you had to graduate from this school.And I didn?t go to college here, and I don?t know if President Cowen knows, I didn?t go to any college at all.Any college.And I?m not saying you wasted your time, or money, but look at me, I?m a huge celebrity.Although I did graduate from the school of hard knocks, our mascot was the knockers.I spent a lot of time here growing up.My mom works at(?)and I would go there every time I needed to steel something out of her purse.But why am I here today? Clearly not to steel, you?re too far away and I?d never get away with it.I?m here because of you.Because I can?t think of a more tenacious, more courageous graduating class.I mean, look at you all, wearing your robes.Usually when you?re wearing a robe at 10 in the morning, it means you?ve given up.I?m here because I love New Orleans.I was born and raised here, I spent my formative years here, and I like you, while I was living here, I only did laundry six times.When I finished school, I was completely lost.And by school, I mean middle school, but I went ahead and finished high school anyway.And I – I really, I had no ambition;I didn?t know what I wanted to do.I did everything from I shucked oysters, I was a hostess, I was a bartender, I was a waitress, I painted houses, I sold vacuum cleaners, I had no idea.And I thought I?d just finally settle in some job, and I would make enough money to pay my rent, maybe have basic cable, maybe not, I didn?t really have a plan.My point is that, by the time I was your age, I really thought I know who I was, but I had no idea.Like for example, when I was your age, I was dating men.So what I?m saying is, when you?re older, most of you will be gay.Anyone writing this stuff down? Parents? Anyway, I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life, and the way I ended up on this path was from a very tragic event.I was maybe 19, and my girlfriend at the time was killed in a car accident.And I passed the accident, and I didn?t know it was her and I kept going, and I found out shortly after that, it was her.And I was living in a basement apartment, I had no money, I had no heat, no air, I had a mattress on the floor and the apartment was infested with fleas.And I was soul-searching, I was like, why is she suddenly gone, and there are fleas here? I don?t understand, there must be a purpose, and wouldn?t it be so convenient if we could pick up the phone and call God, and ask these questions.And I started writing and what poured out of me was an imaginary conversation with God, which was one-sided, and I finished writing it and I looked at it and I said to myself, and I hadn?t even been doing stand-up, ever, there was no club in town.I said, I?m gonna do this on the Tonight Show with Johnny Carson.At the time he was the king “and I?m gonna be the first woman in the history of the show to be called over to sit down.” And several years later, I was the first woman in the history of the show, and only woman in the history of the show to sit down, because of that phone conversation with God that I wrote.And I started this path of stand-up and it was successful and it was great, but it was hard, because I was trying to please everybody and I had this secret that I was keeping, that I was gay.And I thought if people found out they wouldn?t like me, they wouldn?t laugh at me.Then my career turned into I got my own sitcom, and that was very successful, another level of success.And I thought, what if they find out I?m gay, then they?ll never watch, and this was a long time ago, this was when we just had white presidents this was back, many years ago and I finally decided that I was living with so much shame, and so much fear, that I just couldn?t live that anymore, and I decided to come out and make it creative.And my character would come out at the same time, and it wasn?t to make a political statement, it wasn?t to do anything other than to free myself up from this heaviness that I was carrying around, and I just wanted to be honest, And I thought, “What?s the worst that could happen? I can lose my career”.I did.I lost my career.The show was cancelled after six years, without even telling me, I read it in the paper.The phone didn?t ring for three years.I had no offers.Nobody wanted to touch me at all.Yet, I was getting letters from kids that almost committed suicide, but didn?t, because of what I did.And I realized that I had a purpose.And it wasn?t just about me and it wasn?t about celebrity, but I felt I was being punished…it was a bad time, I was angry, I was sad, and then I was offered a talk show.And the people that offered me the talkshow tried to sell it.And most stations didn?t want to pick it up.Most people didn?t want to buy it because they thought nobody would watch me.Really when I look back on it, I wouldn?t change a thing.I mean, it was so important for me to lose everything because I found out what the most important thing is, is to be true to yourself.Ultimately, that?s what?s gotten me to this place.I don?t live in fear, I?m free, I have no secret, and I know I?ll always be ok, because no matter what, I know who I am.So in conclusion, when I was younger I thought success was something different.I thought when I grow up, I want to be famous.I want to be a star.I want to be in movies.When I grow up I want to see the world, drive nice cars, I want to have groupies.To quote the Pussycat Dolls.How many people thought it was “boobies”, by the way? It?s not, it?s “groupies”.But my idea of success is different today.As you grow, you?ll realize the definition of success change.For many of you, today, success is being able to hold down 20shots of tequila.For me, the most important thing in your life is to live your life with integrity, and not to give into peer pressure, to try to be something that you?re not, To live your life as an honest and compassionate person.To contribute in some way.So to conclude my conclusion: follow your passion, stay true to yourself.Never follow anyone?s path, unless you?re in the woods and you?re lost and you see a path, and by all means you should follow that.Don?t give advice, it will come back and bite you in the ass.Don?t take anyone?s advice.So my advice to you is to be true to yourself, and everything will be fine.And I know that a lot of you are concerned about your future, but there?s no need to worry.The economy is booming, the job market is wide open, the planet is just fine.It?s gonna be great.You?ve already survived a hurricane.What else can happen to you? And as I mentioned before, some of the most devastating thing that happen to you will teach you the most.And now you know the right questions to ask in your first job interview.Like, “Is it above sea level?”.So to conclude my conclusion that I?ve previously concluded, in the common cement speech, I guess what I?m trying to say is life is like one big Mardi Gras.But instead of showing your boobs, show people your brain, and if they like what they see, you?ll have more beads than you know what to do with.And you?ll be drunk, most of the time.So the Katrina class of 2009, I say congratulations and if you don?t remember a thing I said today, remember this: you?re gonna be ok, dum de dum dum dum, just dance.

第二篇：艾倫杜蘭大學畢業演講

Thank you, President Cowan, Mrs.President Cowen;distinguished guests, undistinguished guestsaluminialumisI really, I had no ambition, I didn't know what I wanted to do.I did everything from“and I'm gonna be the first woman in the history of the show to be called over to sit down.” 我開始寫作，心里涌出一段我和上帝的對話，雖然只是我一個人的獨白，寫完了之后我閱讀了這個劇本，對自己說，我還沒有做過脫口秀，那里沒有夜總會，我對自己說要在“今夜秀”上與強尼卡森一起表演這一段，強尼卡森是當時天王級人物，我對自己說我要成為該節目史上第一個被邀請的女性，And several years later, I was the first woman in the history of the show, and only woman in the history of the show to sit down, because of that phone conversation with God that I wrote.And I started this path of stand-up and it was successful and it was great, but it was hard, because I was trying to please everybody and I had this secret that I was keeping, that I was gay.And I thought if people found out they wouldn't like me, they wouldn't laugh at me.數年之后，我成為這個節目史上第一位也是唯一一位被邀請參與的女性，就因為那段我寫的與上帝對話的己劇本，從此我開始做單人脫口秀，做得很成功，也很辛苦，因為我想討好每一個人，同時又不讓知道我是同性戀的秘密，我想要是別人發現了，就不會喜歡我了，就不會笑我了。

Then my career turned intothis was back, many years ago-and I finally decided that I was living with so much shame, and so much fear, that I just couldn't live that way anymore, and I decided to come out and make it creative.后來我又有了自己的情景喜劇，也很成功，更進一步的成功，我于是更擔心被別人擔心是同性戀后怎么辦，而且當時是很久很久以前，那是只有白人當總統的年代，好久好久以前。最終我還是決定，與其一直帶著恥辱和恐懼生活，不如對這種生活就此做個了結，于是我決定用創意的方式，讓劇中的主角和我自己同時出柜，And my character would come out at the same time, and it wasn't to make a political statement, it wasn't to do anything other than to free myself up from this heaviness that I was carrying around, and I just wanted to be honest.And I thought, “What's the worst that could happen? I can lose my career”.I did.I lost my career.The show was cancelled after six years, without even telling me, I read it in the paper.The phone didn't ring for three years.I had no offers.不是為了什么政治原因和其它，只是為了讓我自己從背負已久的學生枷鎖中釋放出來，我只是想做真我，我想，“最壞的結果是什么？我可能會失去我的演藝事業”。結果我失業了。我失去了我的事業，我的節目在做了6年后停播了，竟然沒有人通知我，我在報紙上才看到這一消息，家里的電話三年都沒有響起過，沒人找我做節目。

Nobody wanted to touch me at all.Yet, I was getting letters from kids that almost committed suicide, but didn't, because of what I did.And I realised that I had a purpose.And it wasn't just about me and it wasn't about celebrity, but I felt like I was being punished...it was a bad time, I was angry, I was sad, and then I was offered a talkshow.And the people that offered me the talkshow tried to sell it.And most stations didn't want to pick it up.Most people didn't want to buy it because they thought nobody would watch me.沒有人愿意啟用我。然后我卻一直收到想要自殺的同性戀孩子給我的來信，他們因為我的出現而沒有自殺，我這才感到，我在這個世上是有意義的，不是因為我，也不是因為名聲，但我覺得自己好像是受了懲罰一樣，那是一段痛苦的日子，我很憤世嫉俗，很難過。后來有人找我做脫口秀，找我做節目的制作公司努力推銷我的節目，然而大多數電視臺都不愿意買，他們都不愿意買，因為他們以為沒有人會想看我的節目。

Really when I look back on it, I wouldn't change a thing.I mean, it was so important for me to lose everything because I found out what the most important thing is, is to be true to yourself.Ultimately, that's what's gotten me to this place.I don't live in fear, I'm free, I have no secrets.and I know I'll always be ok, because no matter what, I know who I am.每當我回想起這段往事時，我覺得一切都應該這樣，真的，對我而言，失去一切太重要了，因為我發現最重要的是要做真我。最終，是我的選擇才有了今天的我。生活中沒有恐懼和秘密，而且我知道自己是沒問題的，因為無論怎樣，我都清楚知道自己是誰。

So In conclusion, when I was younger I thought success was something different.I thought when I grow up, I want to be famous.I want to be a star.I want to be in movies.When I grow up I want to see the world, drive nice cars, I want to have groupies.To quote the Pussycat Dolls.How many people thought it was “boobies”, by the way? It's not, it's “groupies”.所以總的來說，我對成功的看法不同，我想等我長大以后，我要出名。我要當明星，我要拍電影，長大后要環游世界，開名車，有一群影迷跟著，就象“小野貓”里說的那樣。順便問一句，有多少人聽成是“咪咪”？聽錯了，應該是影迷。

But my idea of success is different today.And as you grow, you'll realize the definition of success changes.For many of you, today, success is being able to hold down 20 shots of tequila.For me, the most important thing in your life is to live your life with integrity, and not to give into peer pressure.To try to be something that you're not.To live your life as an honest and compassionate person.To contribute in some way.So to conclude my conclusion: follow your passion, stay true to yourself.Never follow anyone else's path, unless you're in the woods and you're lost and you see a path, and by all means you should follow that.Don't give advice, it will come back and bite you in the ass.Don't take anyone's advice.So my advice to you is to be true to yourself and everything will be fine.但今天我對成功的看法不一樣了。當你長大，你會發現成功的定義在改變。對你們中的很多人來說，今天的成功是能灌下20杯龍舌蘭酒。對我來說，生命中最重要的事是：是真實地去生活！不要因為別人的壓力去逼自己做不是真正的自己，做一個真實的，有愛心的人，在某些方面有所貢獻的人。所以總結一下我的總結，追隨自己的熱情，絕對不要追隨別人的腳步，除非你在森林里迷路時看到了路，那你一定要跟上。別給別人忠告，吃力不討好；也別只是聽從別人的忠告。所以我忠告大家：做真實的自己，一切會好的。

And I know that a lot of you are concerned about your future, but there's no need to worry.The economy is booming, the job market is wide open, the planet is just fine.It's gonna be great.You've already survived a hurricane.What else can happen to you? And as I mentioned before, some of the most devastating things that happen to you will teach you the most.And now you know the right questions to ask in your first job interview.Like, “Is it above sea level?”.我知道在座的很多人都在擔心自己的前途，其實不用擔心，經濟正“發展迅速”，就業機會“一大把”，地球也“好得很”，一切都會很棒，你們都經歷過颶風了，還有什么可怕的？就象我以前說的那樣，最慘痛的經歷教育意義也最大。比如現在你第一次面試，就知道該問考官什么問題了，例如“咱公司的位置高于海平面嗎？”

So to conclude my conclusion that I've previously concluded, in the common cement speech, I guess what I'm trying to say is life is like one big Mardi Gras.But instead of showing your boobs, show people your brain, and if they like what they see, you'll have more beads than you know what to do with.And you'll be drunk, most of the time.So the Katrina class of 2009, I say congratulations and if you don't remember a thing I said today, remember this: you're gonna be ok, dum de dum dum dum, just dance.因此??總結一下我剛才總結過的總結，配合這個“常見的水泥”演講，我想我要說的是，人生猶如一場狂歡派對，不過要向人們展示你的頭腦，而不是你的胸部，如果人們欣賞你，你就不必擔心沒活干了，然后你就可以安枕無憂。2009年的畢業生們，恭喜大家，那怕我今天說的你全都會忘記，請記住這句：你沒問題的，噠噠噠，讓我們跳舞吧。

第三篇：脫口秀主持人Ellen 杜蘭大學2009畢業典禮演講

Thank you, President Cowan, Mrs.President Cowen;distinguished guests, undistinguished guestsaluminialumisI really, I had no ambition, I didn't know what I wanted to do.I did everything from“and I'm gonna be the first woman in the history of the show to be called over to sit down.” And several years later, I was the first woman in the history of the show, and only woman in the history of the show to sit down, because of that phone conversation with God that I wrote.And I started this path of stand-up and it was successful and it was great, but it was hard, because I was trying to please everybody and I had this secret that I was keeping, that I was gay.And I thought if people found out they wouldn't like me, they wouldn't laugh at me.Then my career turned intothis was back, many years ago-and I finally decided that I was living with so much shame, and so much fear, that I just couldn't live that way anymore, and I decided to come out and make it creative.And my character would come out at the same time, and it wasn't to make a political statement, it wasn't to do anything other than to free myself up from this heaviness that I was carrying around, and I just wanted to be honest.And I thought, “What's the worst that could happen? I can lose my career”.I did.I lost my career.The show was cancelled after six years, without even telling me, I read it in the paper.The phone didn't ring for three years.I had no offers.Nobody wanted to touch me at all.Yet, I was getting letters from kids that almost committed suicide, but didn't, because of what I did.And I realised that I had a purpose.And it wasn't just about me and it wasn't about celebrity, but I felt like I was being punished...it was a bad time, I was angry, I was sad, and then I was offered a talkshow.And the people that offered me the talkshow tried to sell it.And most stations didn't want to pick it up.Most people didn't want to buy it because they thought nobody would watch me.Really when I look back on it, I wouldn't change a thing.I mean, it was so important for me to lose everything because I found out what the most important thing is, is to be true to yourself.Ultimately, that's what's gotten me to this place.I don't live in fear, I'm free, I have no secrets.and I know I'll always be ok, because no matter what, I know who I am.So In conclusion, when I was younger I thought success was something different.I thought when I grow up, I want to be famous.I want to be a star.I want to be in movies.When I grow up I want to see the world, drive nice cars, I want to have groupies.To quote the Pussycat Dolls.How many people thought it was “boobies”, by the way? It's not, it's “groupies”.But my idea of success is different today.And as you grow, you'll realise the definition of success changes.For many of you, today, success is being able to hold down 20 shots of tequila.For me, the most important thing in your life is to live your life with integrity, and not to give into peer pressure.to try to be something that you're not.To live your life as an honest and compassionate person.to contribute in some way.So to conclude my conclusion: follow your passion, stay true to yourself.Never follow anyone else's path, unless you're in the woods and you're lost and you see a path, and by all means you should follow that.Don't give advice, it will come back and bite you in the ass.Don't take anyone's advice.So my advice to you is to be true to yourself and everything will be fine.And I know that a lot of you are concerned about your future, but there's no need to worry.The economy is booming, the job market is wide open, the planet is just fine.It's gonna be great.You've already survived a hurricane.What else can happen to you? And as I mentioned before, some of the most devastating things that happen to you will teach you the most.And now you know the right questions to ask in your first job interview.Like, “Is it above sea level?”.So to conclude my conclusion that I've previously concluded, in the common cement speech, I guess what I'm trying to say is life is like one big Mardi Gras.But instead of showing your boobs, show people your brain, and if they like what they see, you'll have more beads than you know what to do with.And you'll be drunk, most of the time.So the Katrina class of 2009, I say congratulations and if you don't remember a thing I said today, remember this: you're gonna be ok, dum de dum dum dum, just dance.謝謝，考恩校長和校長夫人、各位尊貴和沒那么尊貴的嘉賓——你自己知道自己是誰，以及各位杰出的教師和弱智的西班牙語老師。也感謝所有2009界畢業生，我知道你們大多沒睡醒并頭痛欲裂，狂歡節后就根本沒睡過，但我講完之前你們不能畢業，所以好好聽著。

有人找我做畢業致辭的時候，我立刻就答應了。然后，我轉身去查畢業致辭是什么意思。如果我有本詞典，很容易查得到。但我們家大部分的書都是波蒂亞的，它們都是用澳大利亞語寫的。（波蒂亞，澳大利亞模特，Ellen's partner）因此，我不得不自己把這詞拆開來，以明白它的意思。

畢業致辭（Commencement）就是普通（Common）和水泥（cement）。普通水泥。我們總在路上看到水泥。路上也有裂縫，一旦你踏進裂縫，就會摔壞你媽媽的背。//不明白//故，有此說。不過，我很榮幸，你們讓我在普通水泥上發言。

我以為，做畢業致辭的得是著名校友、小游、效尤、消油，總之，你得從這學校畢業。可我并不是這里畢業的，我不知道考恩校長知道么，我根本沒從任何大學畢業。任何大學。當然，我不是說你們浪費時間和金錢，但是看看我，我可是超級名流啊。

雖然我也在學校飽受磨難（knock），但我們的吉祥物就是門把手（knocker）//我又不明白了//我在這里長大。我媽媽也在這里工作（？），每次我要從她錢包里偷點錢的時候，我就到這里來。但是，今天我為什么到這里來呢？顯然，不是要偷東西，你們都離我太遠了，而且偷了東西我也跑不掉。我今天來這里是因為你們。沒有比你們更堅韌，更勇敢的畢業班了。我的意思是，看看你們，穿著長袍。一般來說，你早上十點穿著長袍，意味著你已經完蛋了。//還是不明白//我來這里，是因為我喜歡新奧爾良。我生在這里出生，在這里長大。和你一樣，當我住在這里，只洗過六次衣服。我從學校畢業的時候后，就完全失去了方向。我所說的學校，是指初中。無論如何我還是繼續，讀完了高中。我，真的，沒有什么抱負，我不知道自己想做什么。于是我什么都做，我做過剝牡蠣的、我做過女主持、我做過酒保、我做過服務員、我做過粉刷匠、我做過賣吸塵器的，我不知道做什么。我想，我最后會在某個工作固定下來，會有足夠的錢租房，也許還有基本的有線電視，也許沒有。我真的不知道，我是說，我在你們這個年紀的時候，我以為自己知道自己是誰，但是我不知道。例如，我在你們這個年紀的時候，我還跟男人約會呢。(本文作者系著名女同志，在八號提案被否決后，高調和女友結婚，雙方家長參加。)所以，我說的是，當你們長大以后，多會變成同性戀的。這句話有人記下來么？父母們記下來了么？

話說回來，那時候，我不知道我生命中想做什么，一件非常悲慘的事情讓我醒悟。那年我19歲，我當時的女友死于車禍。我從旁經過，不知道那就是她，我繼續走，過了會兒我才發現，那就是她。我住在一個地下室里，沒有錢，沒有暖氣，沒有新鮮空氣，有個床墊，就放在地板上，房間里滿是跳蚤。而我不斷的想，不斷的想，為什么她突然消失了，而跳蚤還在這里？//也不是很明白//我不能理解，但一定有一個旨意，如果可以拿起電話就打給上帝問這些問題，那多好啊。

于是，我開始寫東西，噴涌而出的就是我跟上帝的對話，單方面的。寫完了，我看著它，我對自己說——那時候我還沒做過脫口秀，小鎮里也沒有這樣的表演——我對自己說，“我要在約翰尼卡森的《今夜秀》上跟大家說這些” ——當時，他是脫口秀之王——“我會成為這個節目里第一個女嘉賓，第一個能坐下的女嘉賓”（因果不明，但是在某官員說同志不能結婚的時候，Ellen當著他的面立即說“以前你們還說我不能坐在這里呢”——用的是黑人婦女坐車的典故。）幾年之后，就因為我寫了跟上帝通電話，而成為這個節目里第一個女嘉賓，也是唯一的女嘉賓。之后我開始做脫口秀，很成功，很厲害，但也很難，因為我試圖討好每個人，而我心中有一個秘密：我是同性戀。我想，如果人們不喜歡我的話，他們就不會喜歡我的節目。//是這個意思吧？//

然后，我的職業生涯又轉到了電視劇，我自己的電視劇，很成功，另一個數量級的成功。可我想，如果他們發現我是同性戀，那么他們永遠不會看我的電視劇了。那是很久以前的事了，那時候我們還只有白人總統。回來，回到多年前。//不明//我的生活里已經有太多羞恥，太多恐懼，多得不能再多了，最后我決定出軌，而且要有創意。與此同時，我在電視劇里的角色也出柜了，這可不是政治宣言，這只是我在自己生活的這片空間里釋放了自己，我只是說實話，而我想，“最壞的可能是什么呢？失業吧。”我做到了。我失業了。節目被取消了，都沒有人告訴我，六年后我看報紙才知道的。三年里沒有一個電話面試。沒有工作機會。沒有任何人想跟我聯系。但是，我有收到孩子們的來信，本來要自殺的，但是因為看到我所做的而沒有做傻事。我意識到我自己有一個旨意。它不僅僅是關于我，也不是關于名流，而是我覺得自己好像受到懲罰。。日子不好過，我很生氣，我很悲傷，然后我終于得到一個做脫口秀節目的機會。//什么意思啊？！//節目做好，要賣出去的時候，多數電視臺看都不看。多數人不愿意買這個節目，因為他們覺得沒有人會要看我的節目。

當我回首這段，真的，我不想改變什么。我的意思是，失去一切對于我來說很重要，因為這讓我領悟到，對于我來說最重要的是，忠實于自己。正是忠實于自己，才讓我有機會到這里來致辭。我不再害怕了，我自由了，我沒有秘密，我知道自己沒什么問題，因為不管發生什么，我知道自己是誰。所以，總結一下，我年輕時候的對于成功的看法和現在不同。我想，當我長大了，我要出名。我想成為明星。我想做電影。當我長大了，我想環游世界，駕駛好車，我想有自己的粉絲（groupies）。以上引用Pussycat Dolls演唱組的話。嘿，有多少人聽成了蠢貨（boobies），不，我說的是粉絲。

但，今天我對成功的看法完全不同。等你長大，就明白成功的定義是會變的。今天，對于你們來，成功就是一口喝掉二十杯烈酒。對我來說，最重要的是忠實于自己，做完整的自己，不要因別人的壓力而改變自己，委曲不能求全。//這句怎么說才能好呢//做誠實的，有同情心的人，這里那里做出些貢獻。最后，總結一下我的總結：跟隨你的心，忠實于自己。不要走別人的路，除非你在樹林里迷路了，看到這么一條路，非走不可。也不要給別人亂出主意，它只會給你自己添亂。不要聽別人的意見。所以，我給你的意見是：忠實于自己，一切都會好的。

我知道，有不少人關心自己的前途，但沒必要擔心。經濟蓬勃發展，人才市場空著呢，坐飛機也不會死。//wide open怎么翻啊//會好起來的。你們都已經躲過了颶風。還有什么可以發生在你們身上？正如我前面提到的，發生在你身上最壞的事情會給你最深的領悟。現在，你知道了第一次面試的時候應該問的問題了。譬如說，“是海平面以上（安全的地方）對嗎？”。最后的最后，再來總結一下我普通水泥上的總結，我猜，我所想說的是，人生就是一場大的狂歡節。但，不要展示你的胸部，而是展示你的腦部，如果他們喜歡他們看到的，你會有更多珠子。//我不行了//多數時候，你都喝高了。好了，純潔的2009界畢業生，祝福你們畢業了。如果你完全不記得我今天說哪些，請記住這句：你沒什么問題。dum de dum dum dum，跳舞吧（Ellen DeGeneres's Show的結束音樂。）

第四篇：脫口秀主持人Ellen杜蘭大學2009畢業典禮演講

脫口秀主持人埃倫2009年杜蘭大學畢業演講稿英文版

Thank you, President Cowan, Mrs.President Cowen;distinguished guests, undistinguished guestsaluminialumisI really, I had no ambition, I didn't know what I wanted to do.I did everything from“and I'm gonna be the first woman in the history of the show to be called over to sit down.” And several years later, I was the first woman in the history of the show, and only woman in the history of the show to sit down, because of that phone conversation with God that I wrote.And I started this path of stand-up and it was successful and it was great, but it was hard, because I was trying to please everybody and I had this secret that I was keeping, that I was gay.And I thought if people found out they wouldn't like me, they wouldn't laugh at me.Then my career turned intothis was back, many years ago-and I finally decided that I was living with so much shame, and so much fear, that I just couldn't live that way anymore, and I decided to come out and make it creative.And my character would come out at the same time, and it wasn't to make a political statement, it wasn't to do anything other than to free myself up from this heaviness that I was carrying around, and I just wanted to be honest.And I thought, “What's the worst that could happen? I can lose my career”.I did.I lost my career.The show was cancelled after six years, without even telling me, I read it in the paper.The phone didn't ring for three years.I had no offers.Nobody wanted to touch me at all.Yet, I was getting letters from kids that almost committed suicide, but didn't, because of what I did.And I realised that I had a purpose.And it wasn't just about me and it wasn't about celebrity, but I felt like I was being punished...it was a bad time, I was angry, I was sad, and then I was offered a talkshow.And the people that offered me the talkshow tried to sell it.And most stations didn't want to pick it up.Most people didn't want to buy it because they thought nobody would watch me.Really when I look back on it, I wouldn't change a thing.I mean, it was so important for me to lose everything because I found out what the most important thing is, is to be true to yourself.Ultimately, that's what's gotten me to this place.I don't live in fear, I'm free, I have no secrets.and I know I'll always be ok, because no matter what, I know who I am.So In conclusion, when I was younger I thought success was something different.I thought when I grow up, I want to be famous.I want to be a star.I want to be in movies.When I grow up I want to see the world, drive nice cars, I want to have groupies.To quote the Pussycat Dolls.How many people thought it was “boobies”, by the way? It's not, it's “groupies”.But my idea of success is different today.And as you grow, you'll realise the definition of success changes.For many of you, today, success is being able to hold down 20 shots of tequila.For me, the most important thing in your life is to live your life with integrity, and not to give into peer pressure.to try to be something that you're not.To live your life as an honest and compassionate person.to contribute in some way.So to conclude my conclusion: follow your passion, stay true to yourself.Never follow anyone else's path, unless you're in the woods and you're lost and you see a path, and by all means you should follow that.Don't give advice, it will come back and bite you in the ass.Don't take anyone's advice.So my advice to you is to be true to yourself and everything will be fine.And I know that a lot of you are concerned about your future, but there's no need to worry.The economy is booming, the job market is wide open, the planet is just fine.It's gonna be great.You've already survived a hurricane.What else can happen to you? And as I mentioned before, some of the most devastating things that happen to you will teach you the most.And now you know the right questions to ask in your first job interview.Like, “Is it above sea level?”.So to conclude my conclusion that I've previously concluded, in the common cement speech, I guess what I'm trying to say is life is like one big Mardi Gras.But instead of showing your boobs, show people your brain, and if they like what they see, you'll have more beads than you know what to do with.And you'll be drunk, most of the time.So the Katrina class of 2009, I say congratulations and if you don't remember a thing I said today, remember this: you're gonna be ok, dum de dum dum dum, just dance.

第五篇：美國著名脫口秀主持人柯南在達特茅斯演講

美國著名脫口秀主持人柯南?奧布萊恩為2011年達特茅斯學院做了畢業致辭。前半部分有很多搞笑串場，后半部分柯南跟大家分享了自己的經歷和人生經驗：正是那些既定想法的失敗，才使我們成為獨一無二的人！以下是演講全文：

I've been living in Los Angeles for two years, and I've never been this cold in my life.I will pay anyone here $300 for GORE-TEX gloves.Anybody.I'm serious.I have the cash.Before I begin, I must point out that behind me sits a highly admired President of the United States and decorated war hero while I, a cable television talk show host, has been chosen to stand here and impart wisdom.I pray I never witness a more damning example of what is wrong with America today.Graduates, faculty, parents, relatives, undergraduates, and old people that just come to these things: Good morning and congratulations to the Dartmouth Class of 2011.Today, you have achieved something special, something only 92 percent of Americans your age will ever know: a college diploma.That’s right, with your college diploma you now have a crushing advantage over 8 percent of the workforce.I'm talking about dropout losers like Bill Gates, Steve Jobs, and Mark Zuckerberg.Incidentally, speaking of Mr.Zuckerberg, only at Harvard would someone have to invent a massive social network just to talk with someone in the next room.My first job as your commencement speaker is to illustrate that life is not fair.For example, you have worked tirelessly for four years to earn the diploma you’ll be receiving this weekend.That was great.And Dartmouth is giving me the same degree for interviewing the fourth lead in Twilight.Deal with it.Another example that life is not fair: if it does rain, the powerful rich people on stage get the tent.Deal with it.I would like to thank President Kim for inviting me here today.After my phone call with President Kim, I decided to find out a little bit about the man.He goes by President Kim and Dr.Kim.To his friends, he's Jim Kim, J to the K, Special K, JK Rowling, the Just Kidding Kimster, and most puzzling, “Stinky Pete.” He served as the chair of the Department of Global Health and Social Medicine at Harvard Medical School, spearheaded a task force for the World Health Organization on Global Health Initiatives, won a MacArthur Genius Grant, and was one of TIME Magazine's 100 Most Influential People in 2006.Good God, man, what the hell are you compensating for? Seriously.We get it.You're smart.By the way Dr.Kim, you were brought to Dartmouth to lead, and as a world-class anthropologist, you were also hired to figure out why each of these graduating students ran around a bonfire 111 times.But I thank you for inviting me here, Stinky Pete, and it is an honor.Though some of you may see me as a celebrity, you should know that I once sat where you sit.Literally.Late last night I snuck out here and sat in every seat.I did it to prove a point: I am not bright and I have a lot of free time.But this is a wonderful occasion and it is great to be here in New Hampshire, where I am getting an honorary degree and all the legal fireworks I can fit in the trunk of my car.You know, New Hampshire is such a special place.When I arrived I took a deep breath of this crisp New England air and thought, “Wow, I'm in the state that's next to the state where Ben and Jerry's ice cream is made.” But don't get me wrong, I take my task today very seriously.When I got the call two months ago to be your speaker, I decided to prepare with the same intensity many of you have devoted to an important term paper.So late last night, I began.I drank two cans of Red Bull, snorted some Adderall, played a few hours of Call of Duty, and then opened my browser.I think Wikipedia put it best when they said “Dartmouth College is a private Ivy League University in Hanover, New Hampshire, United States.” Thank you and good luck.To communicate with you students today, I have gone to great lengths to become well-versed in your unique linguistic patterns.In fact, just this morning I left Baker Berry with my tripee Barry to eat a Billy Bob at the Bema when my flitz to Francesca was Blitz jacked by some d-bag on his FSP.Yes, I've done my research.This college was named after the Second Earl of Dartmouth, a good friend of the Third Earl of UC Santa Cruz and the Duke of the Barbizon School of Beauty.Your school motto is “Vox clamantis in deserto,” which means “Voice crying out in the wilderness.” This is easily the most pathetic school motto I have ever heard.Apparently, it narrowly beat out “Silently Weeping in Thick Shrub” and “Whimpering in Moist Leaves without Pants.” Your school color is green, and this color was chosen by Frederick Mather in 1867 because, and this is true—I looked it up—“it was the only color that had not been taken already.” I cannot remember hearing anything so sad.Dartmouth, you have an inferiority complex, and you should not.You have graduated more great fictitious Americans than any other college.Meredith Grey of Grey's Anatomy.Pete Campbell from Mad Men.Michael Corleone from The Godfather.In fact, I look forward to next years' Valedictory Address by your esteemed classmate, Count Chocula.Of course, your greatest fictitious graduate is Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner.Man, can you imagine if a real Treasury Secretary made those kinds of decisions? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.Now I know what you're going to say, Dartmouth, you're going to say, well “We've got Dr.Seuss.” Well guess what, we're all tired of hearing about Dr.Seuss.Face it: The man rhymed fafloozle with saznoozle.In the literary community, that's called cheating.Your insecurity is so great, Dartmouth, that you don't even think you deserve a real podium.I'm sorry.What the hell is this thing? It looks like you stole it from the set of Survivor: Nova Scotia.Seriously, it looks like something a bear would use at an AA meeting.No, Dartmouth, you must stand tall.Raise your heads high and feel proud.Because if Harvard, Yale, and Princeton are your self-involved, vain, name-dropping older brothers, you are the cool, sexually confident, lacrosse playing younger sibling who knows how to throw a party and looks good in a down vest.Brown, of course, is your lesbian sister who never leaves her room.And Penn, Columbia, and Cornell—well, frankly, who gives a shit.Yes, I've always had a special bond with this school.In fact, this is my second time coming here.When I was 17 years old and touring colleges, way back in the fall of 1980, I came to Dartmouth.Dartmouth was a very different place back then.I made the trip up from Boston on a mule and, after asking the blacksmith in West Leb for directions, I came to this beautiful campus.No dormitories had been built yet, so I stayed with a family of fur traders in White River Junction.It snowed heavily during my visit and I was trapped here for four months.I was forced to eat the mule, who a week earlier had been forced to eat the fur traders.Still, I loved Dartmouth and I vowed to return.But fate dealt a heavy blow.With no money, I was forced to enroll in a small, local commuter school, a pulsating sore on a muddy elbow of the Charles River.I was a miserable wretch, and to this day I cannot help but wonder: What if I had gone to Dartmouth? If I had gone to Dartmouth, I might have spent at least some of my college years outside and today I might not be allergic to all plant life, as well as most types of rock.If I had gone to Dartmouth, right now I'd be wearing a fleece thong instead of a lace thong.If I had gone to Dartmouth, I still wouldn't know the second verse to “Dear Old Dartmouth.” Face it, none of you do.You all mumble that part.If I had gone to Dartmouth, I'd have a liver the size and consistency of a bean bag chair.Finally, if I had gone to Dartmouth, today I'd be getting an honorary degree at Harvard.Imagine how awesome that would be.You are a great school, and you deserve a historic commencement address.That's right, I want my message today to be forever remembered because it changed the world.To do this, I must suggest groundbreaking policy.Winston Churchill gave his famous “Iron Curtain” speech at Westminster College in 1946.JFK outlined his nuclear disarmament policy at American University in 1963.Today, I would like to set forth my own policy here at Dartmouth: I call it “The Conan Doctrine.” Under “The Conan Doctrine”:

-All bachelor degrees will be upgraded to master's degrees.All master's degrees will be upgraded to PhDs.And all MBA students will be immediately transferred to a white collar prison.-Under “The Conan Doctrine,” Winter Carnival will become Winter Carnivale and be moved to Rio.Clothing will be optional, all expenses paid by the Alumni Association.-Your nickname, the Big Green, will be changed to something more kick-ass like “The Jade Blade,” the “Seafoam Avenger,” or simply “Lime-Zilla.”

-The D-Plan and “quarter system” will finally be updated to “the one sixty-fourth system.” Semesters will last three days.Students will be encouraged to take 48 semesters off.They must, however, be on campus during their Sophomore 4th of July.-Under “The Conan Doctrine,” I will re-instate Tubestock.And I will punish those who tried to replace it with Fieldstock.Rafting and beer are a much better combination than a field and a beer.I happen to know that in two years, they were going to downgrade Fieldstock to Deskstock, seven hours of fun sitting quietly at your desk.Don't let those bastards do it.And finally, under “The Conan Doctrine,” all commencement speakers who shamelessly pander with cheap, inside references designed to get childish applause, will be forced to apologize—to the greatest graduating class in the history of the world.Dartmouth class of 2011 rules!

Besides policy, another hallmark of great commencement speeches is deep, profound advice like “reach for the stars.” Well today, I am not going to waste your time with empty clichés.Instead, I am going to give you real, practical advice that you will need to know if you are going to survive the next few years.-First, adult acne lasts longer than you think.I almost cancelled two days ago because I had a zit on my eye.-Guys, this is important: You cannot iron a shirt while wearing it.-Here's another one.If you live on Ramen Noodles for too long, you lose all feelings in your hands and your stool becomes a white gel.-And finally, wearing colorful Converse high-tops beneath your graduation robe is a great way to tell your classmates that this is just the first of many horrible decisions you plan to make with the rest of your life.Of course there are many parents here and I have real advice for them as well.Parents, you should write this down:

-Many of your children you haven't seen them in four years.Well, now you are about to see them every day when they come out of the basement to tell you the wi-fi isn't working.-If your child majored in fine arts or philosophy, you have good reason to be worried.The only place where they are now really qualified to get a job is ancient Greece.Good luck with that degree.-The traffic today on East Wheelock is going to be murder, so once they start handing out diplomas, you should slip out in the middle of the K's.And, I have to tell you this:

-You will spend more money framing your child's diploma than they will earn in the next six months.It's tough out there, so be patient.The only people hiring right now are Panera Bread and Mexican drug cartels.Yes, you parents must be patient because it is indeed a grim job market out there.And one of the reasons it's so tough finding work is that aging baby boomers refuse to leave their jobs.Trust me on this.Even when they promise you for five years that they are going to leave—and say it on television—I mean you can go on YouTube right now and watch the guy do it, there is no guarantee they won't come back.Of course I'm speaking generally.But enough.This is not a time for grim prognostications or negativity.No, I came here today because, believe it or not, I actually do have something real to tell you.Eleven years ago I gave an address to a graduating class at Harvard.I have not spoken at a graduation since because I thought I had nothing left to say.But then 2010 came.And now I'm here, three thousand miles from my home, because I learned a hard but profound lesson last year and I'd like to share it with you.In 2000, I told graduates “Don't be afraid to fail.” Well now I'm here to tell you that, though you should not fear failure, you should do your very best to avoid it.Nietzsche famously said “Whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger.” But what he failed to stress is that it almost kills you.Disappointment stings and, for driven, successful people like yourselves it is disorienting.What Nietzsche should have said is “Whatever doesn't kill you, makes you watch a lot of Cartoon Network and drink mid-price Chardonnay at 11 in the morning.” Now, by definition, Commencement speakers at an Ivy League college are considered successful.But a little over a year ago, I experienced a profound and very public disappointment.I did not get what I wanted, and I left a system that had nurtured and helped define me for the better part of 17 years.I went from being in the center of the grid to not only off the grid, but underneath the coffee table that the grid sits on, lost in the shag carpeting that is underneath the coffee table supporting the grid.It was the making of a career disaster, and a terrible analogy.But then something spectacular happened.Fogbound, with no compass, and adrift, I started trying things.I grew a strange, cinnamon beard.I dove into the world of social media.I started tweeting my comedy.I threw together a national tour.I played the guitar.I did stand-up, wore a skin-tight blue leather suit, recorded an album, made a documentary, and frightened my friends and family.Ultimately, I abandoned all preconceived perceptions of my career path and stature and took a job on basic cable with a network most famous for showing reruns, along with sitcoms created by a tall, black man who dresses like an old, black woman.I did a lot of silly, unconventional, spontaneous and seemingly irrational things and guess what: with the exception of the blue leather suit, it was the most satisfying and fascinating year of my professional life.To this day I still don't understand exactly what happened, but I have never had more fun, been more challenged—and this is important—had more conviction about what I was doing.How could this be true? Well, it's simple: There are few things more liberating in this life than having your worst fear realized.I went to college with many people who prided themselves on knowing exactly who they were and exactly where they were going.At Harvard, five different guys in my class told me that they would one day be President of the United States.Four of them were later killed in motel shoot-outs.The other one briefly hosted Blues Clues, before dying senselessly in yet another motel shoot-out.Your path at 22 will not necessarily be your path at 32 or 42.One's dream is constantly evolving, rising and falling, changing course.This happens in every job, but because I have worked in comedy for twenty-five years, I can probably speak best about my own profession.Way back in the 1940s there was a very, very funny man named Jack Benny.He was a giant star, easily one of the greatest comedians of his generation.And a

much younger man named Johnny Carson wanted very much to be Jack Benny.In some ways he was, but in many ways he wasn't.He emulated Jack Benny, but his own quirks and mannerisms, along with a changing medium, pulled him in a different direction.And yet his failure to completely become his hero made him the funniest person of his generation.David Letterman wanted to be Johnny Carson, and was not, and as a result my generation of comedians wanted to be David Letterman.And none of us are.My peers and I have all missed that mark in a thousand different ways.But the point is this : It is our failure to become our perceived ideal that ultimately defines us and makes us unique.It's not easy, but if you accept your misfortune and handle it right, your perceived failure can become a catalyst for profound re-invention.So, at the age of 47, after 25 years of obsessively pursuing my dream, that dream changed.For decades, in show business, the ultimate goal of every comedian was to host The Tonight Show.It was the Holy Grail, and like many people I thought that achieving that goal would define me as successful.But that is not true.No specific job or career goal defines me, and it should not define you.In 2000—in 2000—I told graduates to not be afraid to fail, and I still believe that.But today I tell you that whether you fear it or not, disappointment will come.The beauty is that through disappointment you can gain clarity, and with clarity comes conviction and true originality.Many of you here today are getting your diploma at this Ivy League school because you have committed yourself to a dream and worked hard to achieve it.And there is no greater cliché in a commencement address than “follow your dream.” Well I am here to tell you that whatever you think your dream is now, it will probably change.And that's okay.Four years ago, many of you had a specific vision of what your college experience was going to be and who you were going to become.And I bet, today, most of you would admit that your time here was very different from what you imagined.Your roommates changed, your major changed, for some of you your sexual orientation changed.I bet some of you have changed your sexual orientation since I began this speech.I know I have.But through the good and especially the bad, the person you are now is someone you could never have conjured in the fall of 2007.I have told you many things today, most of it foolish but some of it true.I'd like to end my address by breaking a taboo and quoting myself from 17 months ago.At the end of my final program with NBC, just before signing off, I said “Work hard, be kind, and amazing things will happen.” Today, receiving this honor and speaking to the Dartmouth Class of 2011 from behind a tree-trunk, I have never believed that more.Thank you very much, and congratulations.