第一篇：幽默短文

幽默短文又連貼了（哈哈）

Mr and Mrs Smith married thirty years ago........2001-08-24(408 reads)[1 comment]

Mr and Mrs Smith married thirty years ago, and they have lived in the same house since then.Mr Smith goes to work at eight 0'clock every morning, and he gets home at half past seven every evening, from Monday to Friday.There are quite a lot of houses in their street, and most of the neighbours are nice.But the old lady in the house opposite Mr and Mrs Smith died, and after a few weeks a young man and woman came to live in it.Mrs Smith watched them for a few days from her window and then she said to her husband, 'Bill, the.man in that house opposite always kisses his wife when he leaves in the morning and he kisses her again when he comes home in the evening.Why don't you do that too?'

'Well,' Mr Smith answered, 'I don't know her very well yet.'

回復： 幽默短文又連貼了（哈哈）

There were men soldiers and women......2001-08-24(390 reads)[No comment]

There were men soldiers and women soldiers in an army camp, and every Sunday morning they all went to church, but a lot of the soldiers did not like it much.There was a choir of men soldiers, and Captain Jones was trying to find women soldiers to sing in it too, but none of the ones in the camp offered to do this.Then one day Captain Jones saw a new girl soldier.She was a tall, very beautiful girl.Captain Jones went to her and said, 'Will you come and sing in the choir at our church, please?'

The girl was very surprised and said, 'But, sir, I can't sing at all!' 'Oh, that's all right,' answered Captain Jones.'That doesn't matter at all.You don't need to sing: I only want someone to keep the men soldiers looking in front of them when they are in the church.'

The Benefit of Knowing Another Language

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Two mice(pl.老鼠)sat in their hole watching Cat lurk outside.“I know how to

make Cat go away,” said the first mouse.“How?” the second mouse asked in surprise.“Watch!Bow, wow！!” barked(吠叫)the first mouse.Peering(凝視)through their hole in the wall, they saw Cat running away in fear.“Ah, see the benefit of knowing another language

Frozen Parrot

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David received a parrot for his birthday.This parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary.Every other word was an expletive.Those that weren't expletives were, to say the least rude.David tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of to try and set a good example...Nothing worked.He yelled at the bird and the bird got worse.He shook the bird and the bird got more angry and more rude.Finally, in a moment of desperation, David put the parrot in the freezer.For a few moments he heard the bird squawking, kicking, and screaming-then suddenly there was quiet.David was frightened that he might have hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door.The parrot calmly stepped out onto David's extended arm and said: ”I'm sorry that I might have offended you with my language and action and I ask your forgiveness.I will endeavor to correctmy behavior.“

David was astonished at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what had made such a dramatic change when the parrot continued: ”May I ask what the chicken did?"

挨凍的鸚鵡

戴維生日時收到了一只鸚鵡。這只鸚鵡態度惡劣、言辭粗俗，而那些不是臟話的至少可以說是粗魯無禮。

戴維竭盡所能想改變鸚鵡的習慣，于是堅持一直說文雅的話，放輕柔的音樂，以及任何他所能想到的來盡力作出一個好榜樣。

但一切無濟于事。他朝著這鳥兒咆哮但只使事情更糟。他拼命搖晃鳥兒，鸚鵡就更加憤

怒和粗魯。

最終，在一陣絕望過后，戴維把鸚鵡送進了冰箱。過了一會兒他聽到鳥兒在抱怨，亂踢，還尖叫——接著突然安靜了下來。

戴維給嚇到了，他怕傷到了鳥兒趕緊打開冰箱門。鸚鵡鎮靜的踱上戴維伸出的手臂說：對不起，我的話語和行為可能冒犯了你，我請求你的原諒。我會盡力糾正自己的行為。”

戴維驚訝于它態度的急劇變化，正要問是什么導致了如此驚人的改變，鸚鵡卻繼續問道：“我可以問一下那只雞做過什么嗎？”

Heading for Heaven

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A man is waiting for wife to give birth.The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs.The son is just a head!But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion.After 21 years,the son is old enough for his first drink.Dad takes him to the barand tearfully tells the son he is proud of him.Dad orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy.With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief,the boy takes his first sip of alcohol.Swoooop!A torso pops out!

The bar is dead silent

第二篇：英語幽默小短文

英語幽默小短文

The Old Cat

An old woman had a cat.The cat was very old;she could not run quickly, and she could not bite, because she was so old.One day the old cat saw a mouse;she jumped and caught the mouse.But she could not bite it;so the mouse got out of her mouth and ran away, because the cat could not bite it.Then the old woman became very angry because the cat had not killed the mouse.She began to hit the cat.The cat said, “Do not hit your old servant.I have worked for you for many years, and I would work for you still, but I am too old.Do not be unkind to the old, but remember what good work the old did when they were young.”

第三篇：幽默英語演講短文

篇一：幽默英語演講小短文(2分鐘的)[1]1 幽默英語演講小短文(2分鐘的)as food is to the body, so is learning to the mind.our bodies grow and muscles develop with the intake of adequate nutritious food.likewise, we should keep learning day by day to maintain our keen mental power and expand our intellectual capacity.constant learning supplies us with inexhaustible fuel for driving us to sharpen our power of reasoning, analysis, and judgment.learning incessantly is the surest way to keep pace with the times in the information age, and an infallible warrant of success in times of uncertainty.determination to sweep away obstacles to our success and strangling our desire for the refinement of our character.lack of learning will inevitably lead to the stagnation of the mind, or even worse, its fossilization, therefore, to stay mentally young, we have to take learning as a lifelong career.學習之于心靈，就像食物之于身體一樣。攝取了適量的營養

一旦學習停止，單調貧乏的生活就開始了。視學校為汲取知識的唯一場所是種常見的謬誤。相反地，學習應該是一種無終止的歷程，從生到死。由于世界一直快速地在變動，只要學習停頓數日就將使人落后。更糟的是，蟄伏在我們潛意識深處的獸性本能就會復活，削弱我們追求高貴理想的意志，弱化我們掃除成功障礙的決心，而且扼殺我們凈化我們人格的欲望。缺少學習將不可避免地導致心靈的停滯，甚至更糟地，使其僵化。因此，為了保持心理年輕，我們必須將學習當作一生的事業。

2．heavy schoolwork【課業繁重】

in my opinion, the schoolwork now being assigned to high school students is too heavy.while it is true that students need to study, they need other things as well if they are to grow into healthy and well-rounded adults.high should be allowed more time for play.playing is not wasting time, as some think.it gives them physical exercise, and also exercise their imagination.which tends to be stifled by too much study.finally, the pressure put on high school students by excessive schoolwork can cause serious stress, which is unhealthy physically and mentally.i do not advocate the elimination of schoolwork.i do think, however, that a reduction of the current heavy load would be beneficial to students and to the society as a whole.我認為目前高中生的課業實在太重了，雖然說學生的確應當念書，但是要想長大成為健全的人，他門還需要一些其它的東西，所以應該給高中生較多從事娛樂的時間。娛樂并不如某些人所想的，是在浪費時間，它可以讓學生鍛煉身體，發揮被繁重課業扼殺的想象力。此外，繁重的課業加諸在高中生身上的壓力可能引起嚴重的情緒緊張，這對身心都有害。我并非主張廢除學校課業，但是我認為減輕目前繁重的課業對于學生和整個社會都是有益的。

3．time【時間】 lost time is never found again.this is something which i learned very clearly last semester.i spent so much time fooling around that my grades began to suffer.i finally realized that something had to be done.it was time for a change.now i have a new plan for using my time wisely.i have set my alarm clock ahead half an hour.this will give me a head start on the day.i have also decided to keep a log of what i do and when i do it.looking back on what i’ve done will give me some ideas on how to reorganize my time.時光一去不復返，這是我上學期清楚學到的教訓。我浪費很

多時間四處游蕩，以致于我的成績開始退步。最后我終于了解到我必須有所作為；該是痛改前非的時候了。

現在我有一個明智運用時間的新方法。我已將鬧鐘早撥半小時，這將使我這一天的作息提前開始。我也決定將我所做的一切及做這些事的時間記錄下來?；仡櫸宜龅氖虑闀l我如何重新安排我的時間。

4．work and play【工作與娛樂】

來說，適度的娛樂活動能提供各種管道，來渲泄你被壓抑的情緒，減輕單調生活中的緊張與不悅。

放學之后，我最常做的休閑活動，便是慢跑與看電影。通常我并不特地撥出時間來做運動，但是我很重視學校的體育課。在操場上慢跑幾圈，無疑地可以減輕一天的壓力。在周末時，我都去看早場電影，享受視覺饗宴。如此一來，我將有如再生般的充沛活力，去面對下一星期的工作量。

5．my first job【我的第一份工作】

my first job was at a cramming school.it was three years ago when i just graduated from junior high school and finished the entrance examination.since i had nothing to do that summer, i decided to find a job, tasting the joy of independence.i was responsible for answering the telephone and taking the message.i worked eight hours a day, six days a week.the work was not difficult nor heavy to me and i guess i did well.the most delighted thing was perhaps that i could spend the money i earned all by myself.我的第一份工作是在一家補習班做事。那是三年前我剛從國中畢業，考完聯考時的事了。既然我那整個夏天都閑著沒事，倒不如找份差事，嘗嘗獨立賺錢的快樂。

我負責接聽電話且紀錄留言的工作。我一天工作八小時，一星期工作六天。那份工作對我而言既不困難亦不沉重，所以我想我還滿稱職的。而最令人快樂的事大概莫過于花全部由自己 篇二：幽默英語演講稿

幽默英語演講稿

love your mother 愛你的母親

why are you crying, a young boy asked his mom? 你為什么哭?一個小男孩問他的媽媽.because im a woman, she told him.因為我是女人,她告訴他.i dont understand, he said.我不明白.他回答 his mom just hugged him and said, and you never will, but thats o.k........媽媽擁抱了他說,你永遠也不會明白,但沒關系...later the little boy asked his father, why does mom seem to cry for no reason?.后來小男孩問他的父親媽媽為什么似乎在無緣無故的哭泣? all women cry for no reason, was all his dad could say......所有的女人都會常常沒有原因地哭泣,這是他的父親唯一可以解釋的...the little boy grew up and became a man, still wondering why women cry.等到小男孩長大,成了男人的時候, 他仍然奇怪媽媽為什么哭.finally he put in a call to god and when god got back to him, he asked god, why do women cry so easily? 最后他把這件事禱告給上帝,他問上帝,為什么女人容易哭泣? god answered......上帝回答: when i made woman, i decided she had to be special.i made her shoulders strong enough to carry the weight of the world, yet, 當我創造女人的時候, 我決定把她造的很特別, 我讓她的雙肩強壯的足以能夠承擔整個世界,但是, 卻讓她的雙臂溫柔的足夠去安慰他人...i gave her the inner strength to endure childbirth 篇三：幽默英語演講小短文(2分鐘的)as food is to the body, so is learning to the mind.our bodies grow and muscles develop with the intake of adequate nutritious food.likewise, we should keep learning day by day to maintain our keen mental power and expand our intellectual capacity.constant learning supplies us with inexhaustible fuel for driving us to sharpen our power of reasoning, analysis, and judgment.learning incessantly is the surest way to keep pace with the times in the information age, and an infallible warrant of success in times of uncertainty.學習之于心靈，就像食物之于身體一樣。攝取了適量的營養食物，我們的身體得以生長而肌肉得以發達。同樣地，我們應該日復一日不斷地學習以保持我們敏銳的心智能力，并擴充我們的智力容量。不斷的學習提供我們用不盡的燃料，來驅使我們磨利我們的推理、分析和判斷的能力。持續的學習是在信息時代中跟時代并駕齊驅的最穩當的方法，也是在變動的世代中成功的可靠保證。

一旦學習停止，單調貧乏的生活就開始了。視學校為汲取知識的唯一場所是種常見的謬誤。相反地，學習應該是一種無終止的歷程，從生到死。由于世界一直快速地在變動，只要學習停頓數日就將使人落后。更糟的是，蟄伏在我們潛意識深處的獸性本能就會復活，削弱我們追求高貴理想的意志，弱化我們掃除成功障礙的決心，而且扼殺我們凈化我們人格的欲望。缺少學習將不可避免地導致心靈的停滯，甚至更糟地，使其僵化。因此，為了保持心理年輕，我們必須將學習當作一生的事業。

2．heavy schoolwork【課業繁重】 in my opinion, the schoolwork now being assigned to high school students is too heavy.while it is true that students need to study, they need other things as well if they are to grow into healthy and well-rounded adults.high should be allowed more time for play.playing is not wasting time, as some think.it gives them physical exercise, and also exercise their imagination.which tends to be stifled by too much study.finally, the pressure put on high school students by excessive schoolwork can cause serious stress, which is unhealthy physically and mentally.i do not advocate the elimination of schoolwork.i do think, however, that a reduction of the current heavy load would be beneficial to students and to the society as a whole.我認為目前高中生的課業實在太重了，雖然說學生的確應當念書，但是要想長大成為健全的人，他門還需要一些其它的東西，所以應該給高中生較多從事娛樂的時間。娛樂并不如某些人所想的，是在浪費時間，它可以讓學生鍛煉身體，發揮被繁重課業扼殺的想象力。此外，繁重的課業加諸在高中生身上的壓力可能引起嚴重的情緒緊張，這對身心都有害。我并非主張廢除學校課業，但是我認為減輕目前繁重的課業對于學生和整個社會都是有益的。

3．time【時間】 lost time is never found again.this is something which i learned very clearly last semester.i spent so much time fooling around that my grades began to suffer.i finally realized that something had to be done.it was time for a change.now i have a new plan for using my time wisely.i have set my alarm clock ahead half an hour.this will give me a head start on the day.i have also decided to keep a log of what i do and when i do it.looking back on what i’ve done will give me some ideas on how to reorganize my time.時光一去不復返，這是我上學期清楚學到的教訓。我浪費很多時間四處游蕩，以致于我的成績開始退步。最后我終于了解到我必須有所作為；該是痛改前非的時候了。

現在我有一個明智運用時間的新方法。我已將鬧鐘早撥半小時，這將使我這一天的作息提前開始。我也決定將我所做的一切及做這些事的時間記錄下來?；仡櫸宜龅氖虑闀l我如何重新安排我的時間。

4．work and play【工作與娛樂】

what i usually do to relax after school is jogging and seeing movies.usually i dont spare time for exercise, but i value the physical education class at school.jogging several rounds in the field certainly relieves the days pressure.on weekends, ill catch the morning movie for my visual enjoyment.i feel revived and energetic for another weeks work-load.工作與娛樂并不互相沖突，事實上，它們之間的關系還相輔相成。有句格言說：「整日工作而沒有休閑娛樂，會令人變得沉悶乏味?！贡还ぷ髦負鷫旱么贿^氣來的生活，將使你一事無成，因為你將對一成不變的例行公事感到厭煩。由另一方面來說，適度的娛樂活動能提供各種管道，來渲泄你被壓抑的情緒，減輕單調生活中的緊張與不悅。

放學之后，我最常做的休閑活動，便是慢跑與看電影。通常我并不特地撥出時間來做運動，但是我很重視學校的體育課。在操場上慢跑幾圈，無疑地可以減輕一天的壓力。在周末時，我都去看早場電影，享受視覺饗宴。如此一來，我將有如再生般的充沛活力，去面對下一星期的工作量。

5．my first job【我的第一份工作】

my first job was at a cramming school.it was three years ago when i just graduated from junior high school and finished the entrance examination.since i had nothing to do that summer, i decided to find a job, tasting the joy of independence.i was responsible for answering the telephone and taking the message.i worked eight hours a day, six days a week.the work was not difficult nor heavy to me and i guess i did well.the most delighted thing was perhaps that i could spend the money i earned all by myself.我的第一份工作是在一家補習班做事。那是三年前我剛從國中畢業，考完聯考時的事了。既然我那整個夏天都閑著沒事，倒不如找份差事，嘗嘗獨立賺錢的快樂。

我負責接聽電話且紀錄留言的工作。我一天工作八小時，一星期工作六天。那份工作對我而言既不困難亦不沉重，所以我想我還滿稱職的。而最令人快樂的事大概莫過于花全部由自己賺來的錢了！6．my favorite sports【我最喜愛的運動】

sports help everyone to keep healthy, happy, and efficient.so i pay special attention to games, especially table-tennis.table tennis is my favorite game.i play it almost every day.table-tennis is an ideal game us because it brings the whole body into action.it strengthens our muscles, expands our lungs, promotes the circulation of the blood, and causes a healthy action of the skin.besides, it is very amusing and does not cost us much money.table-tennis is very moderate;it is not so rough as football.it is an indoor game and can be played even on rainy days.thus, it is my favorite kind of exercise.運動能幫助每一個人保持健康、快樂和有效率。所以我特別重視運動，特別是桌球，桌球是我最喜歡的運動。我幾乎每天玩。

桌球對我們而言，是一項理想的運動，因為它可以使我們全身運動，它可以增強我們的肌肉，擴張我們的肺部，促進血液循環，并且使肌膚產生健康作用，此外，它很有趣而且所費不多。桌球是相當溫和適中的，它不像足球那么粗野。它是一種室內運動，甚至在下雨天也能玩。因此，桌球是我最喜愛的一種運動。

篇四：幽默英語演講小短文(2分鐘的)as food is to the body, so is learning to the mind.our bodies grow and muscles develop with the intake of adequate nutritious food.likewise, we should keep learning day by day to maintain our keen mental power and expand our intellectual capacity.constant learning supplies us with inexhaustible fuel for driving us to sharpen our power of reasoning, analysis, and judgment.learning incessantly is the surest way to keep pace with the times in the information age, and an infallible warrant of success in times of uncertainty.學習之于心靈，就像食物之于身體一樣。攝取了適量的營養食物，我們的身體得以生長而肌肉得以發達。同樣地，我們應該日復一日不斷地學習以保持我們敏銳的心智能力，并擴充我們的智力容量。不斷的學習提供我們用不盡的燃料，來驅使我們磨利我們的推理、分析和判斷的能力。持續的學習是在信息時代中跟時代并駕齊驅的最穩當的方法，也是在變動的世代中成功的可靠保證。

一旦學習停止，單調貧乏的生活就開始了。視學校為汲取知識的唯一場所是種常見的謬誤。相反地，學習應該是一種無終止的歷程，從生到死。由于世界一直快速地在變動，只要學習停頓數日就將使人落后。更糟的是，蟄伏在我們潛意識深處的獸性本能就會復活，削弱我們追求高貴理想的意志，弱化我們掃除成功障礙的決心，而且扼殺我們凈化我們人格的欲望。缺少學習將不可避免地導致心靈的停滯，甚至更糟地，使其僵化。因此，為了保持心理年輕，我們必須將學習當作一生的事業。

2．heavy schoolwork【課業繁重】

in my opinion, the schoolwork now being assigned to high school students is too heavy.while it is true that students need to study, they need other things as well if they are to grow into healthy and well-rounded adults.high should be allowed more time for play.playing is not wasting time, as some think.it gives them physical exercise, and also exercise their imagination.which tends to be stifled by too much study.finally, the pressure put on high school students by excessive schoolwork can cause serious stress, which is unhealthy physically and mentally.i do not advocate the elimination of schoolwork.i do think, however, that a reduction of the current heavy load would be beneficial to students and to the society as a whole.我認為目前高中生的課業實在太重了，雖然說學生的確應當念書，但是要想長大成為健全的人，他門還需要一些其它的東西，所以應該給高中生較多從事娛樂的時間。娛樂并不如某些人所想的，是在浪費時間，它可以讓學生鍛煉身體，發揮被繁重課業扼殺的想象力。此外，繁重的課業加諸在高中生身上的壓力可能引起嚴重的情緒緊張，這對身心都有害。我并非主張廢除學校課業，但是我認為減

輕目前繁重的課業對于學生和整個社會都是有益的。

3．time【時間】 lost time is never found again.this is something which i learned very clearly last semester.i spent so much time fooling around that my grades began to suffer.i finally realized that something had to be done.it was time for a change.now i have a new plan for using my time wisely.i have set my alarm clock ahead half an hour.this will give me a head start on the day.i have also decided to keep a log of what i do and when i do it.looking back on what i’ve done will give me some ideas on how to reorganize my time.時光一去不復返，這是我上學期清楚學到的教訓。我浪費很多時間四處游蕩，以致于我的成績開始退步。最后我終于了解到我必須有所作為；該是痛改前非的時候了。

現在我有一個明智運用時間的新方法。我已將鬧鐘早撥半小時，這將使我這一天的作息提前開始。我也決定將我所做的一切及做這些事的時間記錄下來。回顧我所做的事情會啟發我如何重新安排我的時間。

4．work and play【工作與娛樂】

what i usually do to relax after school is jogging and seeing movies.usually i dont spare time for exercise, but i value the physical education class at school.jogging several rounds in the field certainly relieves the days pressure.on weekends, ill catch the morning movie for my visual enjoyment.i feel revived and energetic for another weeks work-load.工作與娛樂并不互相沖突，事實上，它們之間的關系還相輔相成。有句格言說：「整日工作而沒有休閑娛樂，會令人變得沉悶乏味?！贡还ぷ髦負鷫旱么贿^氣來的生活，將使你一事無成，因為你將對一成不變的例行公事感到厭煩。由另一方面來說，適度的娛樂活動能提供各種管道，來渲泄你被壓抑的情緒，減輕單調生活中的緊張與不悅。

放學之后，我最常做的休閑活動，便是慢跑與看電影。通常我并不特地撥出時間來做運動，但是我很重視學校的體育課。在操場上慢跑幾圈，無疑地可以減輕一天的壓力。在周末時，我都去看早場電影，享受視覺饗宴。如此一來，我將有如再生般的充沛活力，去面對下一星期的工作量。

5．my first job【我的第一份工作】

my first job was at a cramming school.it was three years ago when i just graduated from junior high school and finished the entrance examination.since i had nothing to do that summer, i decided to find a job, tasting the joy of independence.i was responsible for answering the telephone and taking the message.i worked eight hours a day, six days a week.the work was not difficult nor heavy to me and i guess i did well.the most delighted thing was perhaps that i could spend the money i earned all by myself.我的第一份工作是在一家補習班做事。那是三年前我剛從國中畢業，考完聯考時的事了。既然我那整個夏天都閑著沒事，倒不如找份差事，嘗嘗獨立賺錢的快樂。

我負責接聽電話且紀錄留言的工作。我一天工作八小時，一星期工作六天。那份工作對我而言既不困難亦不沉重，所以我想我還滿稱職的。而最令人快樂的事大概莫過于花全部由自己賺來的錢了！6．my favorite sports【我最喜愛的運動】

sports help everyone to keep healthy, happy, and efficient.so i pay special attention to games, especially table-tennis.table tennis is my favorite game.i play it almost every day.table-tennis is an ideal game us because it brings the whole body into action.it strengthens our muscles, expands our lungs, promotes the circulation of the blood, and causes a healthy action of the skin.besides, it is very amusing and does not cost us much money.table-tennis is very moderate;it is not so rough as football.it is an indoor game and can be played even on rainy days.thus, it is my favorite kind of exercise.運動能幫助每一個人保持健康、快樂和有效率。所以我特別重視運動，特別是桌球，桌球是我最喜歡的運動。我幾乎每天玩。

桌球對我們而言，是一項理想的運動，因為它可以使我們全身運動，它可以增強我們的肌肉，擴張我們的肺部，促進血液循環，并且使肌膚產生健康作用，此外，它很有趣而且所費不多。桌球是相當溫和適中的，它不像足球那么粗野。它是一種室內運動，甚至在下雨天也能玩。因此，桌球是我最喜愛的一種運動。

第四篇：英語幽默小短文

英語幽默小短文

Wake up!Wake up!It's time for sleeping pills!

醒來！醒來！現在該吃安眠藥了！

The lecturer on evolution had been going on for nearly two hours.then he started again, and said he:“Let me ask the evolutionist a question---if we had tails like a baboon, where are they?”

“I'll venture an answer, ” said an old lady.“We have worn them off sitting here so long.”.教進化論的老師已經滔滔不絕地講了快兩個小時，他的話題又來了：“讓我向進化論者提個問題——如果我們曾經像狒狒那樣長著尾巴，那么現在尾巴到哪里去了？”

“我來試試看，”一位老太太說。

“該是我們在這里坐這么久把它們磨掉了吧?！?/p>

Late one night at the insane asylum(瘋人院）one inmate shouted, “I am Napoleon!”

Another one said, “How do you know?”

The first inmate said, “God told me!”

Just then, a voice from another room shouted, “I did not!”

瘋人院

一天晚上，在瘋人院里，一個病人說：“我是拿破侖！”另一個說：“你怎么知道？”第一個人說：“上帝對我說的！”一會兒，一個聲音從另一個房間傳來：“我沒說！”

Improvement

One student to another: “How are your English lessons coming along?”“Fine.I used to be one who couldn't understand the English men, and now it's the English men who can't understand me.”

進步

一位學生對另一位說：“你的英語最近學的怎么樣？”

“很好，我過去不懂英國人說話，可現在是英國人不懂我的話了?！?/p>

Half or Five Tenths?

Teacher: Would you rather have one half of an orange or five tenths?Gerald: I'd much rather have the half.Teacher: Think carefully, and tell me why.Gerald: Because you lose too much juice when you cut the orange into five

tenths.半個還是十分之五

老師：你愿意要半個柑橘，還是十分之五個柑橘？

杰拉得：我寧可要半個。

老師：仔細想想，說出理由來。

杰拉得：因為你如果把柑橘切成十分之五，那柑橘汁就損失太多了。

The Reason of Being Late

Teacher: Johnny, why are you late for school every morning?

Johnny: Every time I come to the corner, a guidepost says, 'School--Go Slow'.遲到的原因

老 師：約翰尼，為什么你每天早晨都遲到？

約翰尼：每當我經過學校附近的拐角處，就見路牌上寫著‘學校－緩行’。

When Do People Talk Least?

Student A: When do people talk least?

Student B: In February.Student A: Why?

Student B: Because February is the shortest month of a year.人們什么時候說話最少？

學生甲：人們在什么時候說話最少？

學生乙：在二月。

學生甲：為什么呢？

學生乙：因為二月是一年中最短的一個月。

The plural Form of “Child”

Teacher: What is the plural of man, Tom?

Tom: Men.Teacher: Good.And the plural of child?

Tom: Twins.“孩子”的復數形式

老師：湯姆，‘男人’這個詞的復數形式是什么？

湯姆：男人們。

老師：答得好。那‘孩子’的復數形式呢？

湯姆：雙胞胎。

All Except the Music

A keen young teacher wanted to introduce her class to the glories of classical

music, so she arranged an outing to an afternoon concert.To make the occasion even more memorable, she treated everyone to lemonade, cake, chocs and ices.Just as the party was getting back into their coach, she said to little Sally, “Have you enjoyed yourself today?”

“Oh, yes, miss!” said Sally, “It was lovely.All except the music, that is.”除了音樂

一位熱心的年輕教師想讓她的學生多了解一點優秀的古典音樂，就安排了一天下午去聽音樂會。為了使這次活動能給大家留下更深的印象，她請大家喝檸檬汽水、吃點心、巧克力和冰淇淋。在大家回來上汽車的時候，她問小薩莉：“你今天玩得好嗎？”

“噢，好極了，小姐，” 薩莉說，“除了音樂其它都很好?！?/p>

My Sister's Fingers

Teacher: Kevin, why are you late this time?

Kevin: Please sir, I bruised two fingers knocking in a nail at home.Teacher: I don't see any bandages.Kevin: Oh, they weren't my fingers!I told my little sister to hold the nail.我妹妹的手指頭

老師：凱溫，這次你怎么又遲到了？

凱溫：對不起，老師，我在家釘釘子，砸壞了兩個手指頭。

老師：怎么沒有扎繃帶呀？

凱溫：噢，砸的不是我的手指頭，我叫小妹妹扶著釘子的。

The Climate of New Zealand

Teacher: Matthew, what is the climate of New Zealand?

Matthew: Very Cold, sir.Teacher: Wrong.Matthew: But, sir!When they send us meat it always arrives frozen!新西蘭的氣候

老師：馬修，新西蘭的氣候怎么樣？

馬修：先生，那里的天氣很冷。

老師：錯了。

馬修：可是，先生！從那兒運來的豬肉都凍得硬邦邦的。

Lightning

Teacher: Why is it said that lightning never strikes the same place twice?Roy: Because after it's struck once the same place isn't there any more!閃電

老師：為什么說閃電從來不會兩次擊中同一個地方？

羅伊：因為它擊中一個地方一次以后，那個地方就不存在了。

Who Discovered Australia?

Teacher: Find Australia on the map for me, Johnny.Johnny: It's there, sir.Teacher: That's right.Now Sammy, who discovered Australia?

Sammy: Johnny, sir.誰發現了澳大利亞？

老師：約翰尼，在地圖上給我找出澳大利亞在什么地方。

約翰尼：先生，在這兒。

老師：對了。薩默，你來回答我是誰發現了澳大利亞？

薩默：先生，是約翰尼。

Essay

Teacher had set his class an essay in “A Game of Cricket”.After two minutes Simon Steel handed his paper in and was allowed to go home.His essay read: “Rain stopped play.”

作文

老師給學生出了個作文題：“一場板球賽”。兩分鐘后，西蒙。斯蒂爾交了作文，老師允許他回家了。他在作文上寫道：“下雨，比賽終止?！?/p>

How Many Rabbits?

Teacher: Now, Jonathan, if I gave you three rabbits and then the next day I gave you five rabbits, how many rabbits would you have?

Jonathan: Nine, sir.Teacher: Nine?

Jonathan: I've got one already, sir.多少只兔子？

老師：好，喬納森，假如我給你三只兔子，第二天我又給你五只，你一共有多少只兔子？

喬納森：一共有九只，先生。

老師：九只？

喬納森：先生，我本來就有一只。

To Go to Heaven

Sunday School teacher: Hands up all those who want to go to Heaven? Hands up.....what about you, Terry? You haven't got your hand up--don't you want

to go to Heaven?

Terry: I can't.My Mum told me to go straight home.去天堂

主日學校的教員：想去天堂的人舉起手來，把手舉起來。。你呢，哈里？你還沒舉手呢--你不想去天堂嗎？

哈里： 我去不了，因為媽媽讓我一放學就回家。

第五篇：英語幽默小短文

英語幽默小短文

Two birds

Teacher: Here are two birds, one is a swallow, the other is sparrow.Now who can tell us which is which? Student: I cannot point out but I know the answer.Teacher: Please tell us.Student: The swallow is beside the sparrow and the sparrow is beside the swallow.兩只鳥

老師： 這兒有兩只鳥，一只是麻雀。誰能指出哪只是燕子，哪只是麻雀嗎？

學生：我指不出，但我知道答案。

老師：請說說看。

學生：燕子旁邊的就是麻雀，麻雀旁邊的就是燕子。

The Fish Net

“Can you tell me what fish net is made, Ann?”

“A lot of little holes tied together with strings.” replied the little girl.魚網

“你能告訴我魚網是什么做的嗎，安？” 老師發問道。

“把許多小孔用繩子栓在一起就成了魚網了。” 小女孩回答道。

The New Teacher

George comes from school on the first of September.“George, how did you like your new teacher?” asked his mother.“I didn't like her, Mother, because she said that three and three were six and then she said that two and four were six too.....”

新老師

9月1日，喬治放學回到家里。

“喬治，你喜歡你們的新老師嗎？” 媽媽問。

“媽媽，我不喜歡，因為她說3加3得6, 可后來又說2加4也得6?！?/p>

A physics Examination

Once in a physics examination, Nick finished the first question very soon, while his classmates were thinking it hard.The question was: When it thunders why do we see the lighting first, then hear the thunderrolls?

Nick's answer: Because our eyes are before ears.一次物理考試

在一次物理考試時，當同學們都還在苦思冥想時，尼克很快就答好了第一個問題。這個問題是：為什么在打雷時，我們總是先看到閃電后聽到雷聲？

尼克的回答是：因為眼睛在前，耳朵在后

Sleeping Pills Bob was having trouble getting to sleep at night.He went to see his doctor, who prescribed some extra-strong sleeping pills.Sunday night Bob took the pills, slept well and was awake before he heard the alarm.He took his time getting to the office, strolled in and said to his boss: “I didn't have a bit of trouble getting up this morning.”

“That's fine,” roared the boss, “but where were you Monday and Tuesday?”

安眠藥

鮑勃晚上失眠。他去看醫生，醫生給他開了一些強力安眠藥。

星期天晚上鮑勃吃了藥，睡得很好，在鬧鐘響之前就醒了過來。他到了辦公室，遛達進去，對老板說：“我今天早上起床一點麻煩都沒有?！?/p>

“好啊!”老板吼道，“那你星期一和星期二到哪兒去了？”

Creative Applying for my first job, I realized I had to be creative in listing my few qualifications.Asked about additional schooling and training, I answered truthfully that I had spent three years in computer programming classes.I got the job.I had neglected to mention that I took the same course for three years before I passed.創造性

第一次求職時，我意識到在列舉我所具備的為數不多的條件時，得有點創造性。當問及我是否受過其它的培訓時，我老實地回答說我花了三年時間學計算機程序設計課。我得到了那份工作。

我沒有提到那門功課我重復學了三年才考及格

I knew that!There were two men who went out to eat together.They ordered fish.So on the table there were two fish.Normally not all the fish are alike in size, so there was one small, and one big.The first man just took the big one for himself without asking and feeling ashamed, or anything;and ate it.The other friend felt very disturbed and annoyed, he didn't know what to say.So he thought for a while, and then he said,“ If it were me,” I would have taken the smaller onefirst.“ So the other guy said,” See!I knew that!That's why I took the big one.“ He Won Tommy: How is your little brother, Johnny? Johnny: He is ill in bed.He hurt himself.Tommy: That's too bad.How did that happen? Johnny: We played who could lean furthest out of the window, and he won.他贏了

湯姆：約翰尼，你小弟弟好嗎？

約翰尼：他害病臥床了。他受了傷。湯姆：真糟糕，怎么回事兒？

約翰尼：我們做游戲，看誰能把身子探出窗外最遠，他贏了。I Have His Ear in My Pocket Ivan came home with a bloody nose and his mother asked, ”What happened?“ ”A kid bit me,“ replied Ivan.”Would you recognize him if you saw him again?“ asked his mother.”I'd know him any where,“ said Ivan.”I have his ear in my pocket.“ 他的耳朵在我衣兜里

伊凡鼻子流著血回到家里。他媽媽問，“發生了什么事？” “一個男孩咬了我一口，”伊凡說。“再見到他你能認出來嗎？”媽媽問。

“他走到哪里我都能認出他，”伊凡說。“他的耳朵還在我衣兜里呢?！?只剩一個引擎 One Engine Left

A 747 was halfway across the Atlantic when the captain got on the loud speaker, ”Attention, passengers.We have lost one of our engines, but we can certainly reach London with the three we have left.Unfortunately, we will arrive an hour late as a r esult.“ Shortly thereafter, the passengers heard the captain's voice again, ”Guess what, folks.We just lost our third engine, but please be assured we can fly with only one.We will now arrive in London three hours late.“ At this point, one passenger became furious.”For Pete's sake,“ he shouted, ”If we lose another engine, we'll be up here all night!“

一架747客機正在跨越大西洋時，喇叭里傳來了機長的聲音：“旅客們請注意，我們的四個引擎中有一個丟失了。但剩下的三個引擎會把我們帶到倫敦的。只是我們要因此晚到一小時。” 過了一會兒，旅客們又聽到機長的聲音：“各位，你們猜怎么啦 ？我們剛又掉了第三個引擎。但請你們相信好了。只有一個引擎我們也能飛，但要晚三個小時了。” 正在這時，一位乘客非常氣憤地說：“看在上帝的份上，如果我們再掉一個引擎，我們就要整夜都要呆在天上了?！?The Advantage of Wearing Glasses

Helen's eyes were not very good，so she usually wore glasses，but when she nineteen and began to go out with a young man，she never wore glasses when she was with him.When he came to the door to take her out，she would take her glasses off，and when she got back home again and he left，she would put them on.One day her mother asked her:

“But Helen，why do you never wear glasses when you are with Jim? He takes you to such lovely places in his car，but you can't see anything.”

“Well，mother，” said Helen.“I look prettier to Jim when I'm not wearing my glasses and he looks better to me，too.”

戴眼鏡的好處

海倫的視力不太好，所以他常戴眼鏡。她十九歲時開始和一個男青年交朋友。當和男朋友在一起時海倫從不戴眼鏡。每當男朋友到門口接她外出的時候，她就摘下眼鏡；回到家里，男朋友走了以后，海倫才戴上眼鏡。有一天媽媽問她：“海倫，你和吉姆在一起時為什么從不戴眼鏡？他開車帶你去優美的地方玩兒，可你什么也看不見?！焙愓f：“嗯，媽媽，我不戴眼鏡時吉姆看著我更漂亮些，同時我也覺得他顯得更順眼一些?！?A Gentleman 紳士

Dick was seven years old, and his sister, Catherine, was five.One day their mother took them to their aunt's house to play while she went to the big city to buy some new clothes.The children played for an hour, and then at half past four their aunt took Dick into the kitchen.She gave him a nice cake and a knife and said to him, ”Now here's a knife, Dick.Cut this cake in half and give one of the pieces to your sister, but remember to do it like a gentleman.“ ”Like a gentleman?“ Dick asked.”How do gentlemen do it?“ ”They always give the bigger piece to the other person.“ answered his aunt at once.”Oh“ said Dick.He thought about this for a few seconds.Then he took the cake to his sister and said to her,”Cut this cake in half, Catherine.“.迪克年齡七歲，他的妹妹凱瑟琳五歲。一天，媽媽把他們帶到姨媽家去玩，自己就到大城市去買些新的衣服。

孩子們玩了個把小時，在四點半的時候，姨媽領著迪克走進了廚房。她交給迪克一塊精美的蛋糕和一把刀子，并對他說：“喏，迪克，給你刀子，把這塊蛋糕一切為二，給你妹妹一塊。不過，你得記住要做得像一個紳士那樣。” 迪克問：“像一個紳士？紳士怎樣做呢？”

他姨媽馬上回答說：“紳士總是把大的一塊讓給別人的。” 迪克說了一聲“噢”。他對此想了一會，然后，他把蛋糕拿給妹妹，并對她說：“凱瑟琳，你來把這塊蛋糕一切為二吧?！?/p>

Where It Should Be Plugged

A mother is very good at using every chance to educate his son, who was only three years old.One day, she took a plug and said to her son, ” Look, there are two pieces of copper, so it must be plugged in a place where there are two holes.Where do you think it should be plugged?“ She waited for an answer expectfully.”Plug in nose.“ is the answer.插在何處

一位母親十分善于利用每一個機會對孩子進行教育。她的兒子只有三歲。一天，她拿著一個插頭對兒子說：“看，這里有兩個銅片，那它一定要插在有兩個孔的地方。你說它應該插在哪兒呢？”母親期待著兒子的回答。

“插在鼻子里！”兒子回答說。

A Good Boy Little Robert asked his mother for two cents.”What did you do with the money I gave you yesterday?“ ”I gave it to a poor old woman,“ he answered.”You're a good boy,“ said the mother proudly.”Here are two cents more.But why are you so interested in the old woman?“ ”She is the one who sells the candy一個好孩子小羅伯特向他媽媽要了兩美分?！澳阌梦易蛱旖o你的錢干什么了？”“我把它給了一個貧窮的老婦人。”他回答“你是個好孩子”媽媽驕傲地說?！斑@里有兩美分多，但為什么你對老婦人這么有興趣？”"她是一個賣糖果的”